Category: Weekly updates

DYNAMO Charlton are thought to be lining up a £50m bid Anthony Martial at tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window, it emerged tonight.

Having waved ‘cheerio’ to global brand Jermaine Defoe, the Dynamo manager is unhindered by the Titus Bramble ruling and any rival with a war chest to challenge his own.

The stage is set for Dynamo Charlton to make shorter work of the season’s first transfer window than a cartoon superhero calling upon ‘speed of the puma’ to punch the Spaniard (pictured).

Nearly 50 points off leaders Young Boys, Dynamo have been desperate for goals and snaffling Martial will put the manager firmly in the chase for his debut league title.

The Young Boys manager released just one player, John Terry, who is officially Bramble-tied with Pedro and unofficially still in the doghouse for making an indecent proposal to the Catalan winger’s wife.

The YB boss will join many others in the hunt for one of Craig Cathcart, Allan Nyom and Sebastian Prodl, all of whom has made an overachieving start to the campaign.

Striker Jamie Vardy, midfielder Cheikhou Kouyate and defender Craig Dawson are also among targets likely to attract ludicrously overinflated bids when the league gathers in the Rugby Tavern, Bloomsbury from 6.30pm.

A total of 14 managers claimed the full £10m transfer window bonus by posting their released players to Kenna HQ by Wednesday’s deadline. Two sides claimed the £5m boon for a digital communication to administrators.

The managers of Just Put Carles, Judean Peoples’ Front and Uncertain all failed to interact at all with Kenna HQ. Only by releasing a one permitted wildcard player can they hope to do any business tomorrow.

Remaining budgets and available players were published tonight exclusively on KennaLeague.com.

Remaining budgets

Player list (spreadsheet available here)

Kenna table – week 7

Weekly scores

Bala Rinas made a clear statement in the early Kenna stakes with a brace from Graziano Pelle this week.

They were Pelle’s third and fourth goals this season. Not bad for someone who had all the hallmarks of a one-season wonder last year.

The lanky Italian and his lank hair were part of the phenomenon on the south coast which took everyone by surprise. Surely, no one thought it could continue, but either the Bala Rinas manager or his auction second had other ideas and the £15m investment is already paying dividends.

The Sporting Lesbian manager paid just £3m for the striker last summer when he was an unknown import. Quite whether Pelle will go on to replicate the form that saw him pick up 169 points and help Sporting Lesbian win the league is anyone’s guess and the treasurer’s hope.

It’s not the first time Sporting Lesbian have plucked a star from obscurity. In summer 2012, the manager snaffled Michu for just £2.5m.

Like Pelle last season, the Spaniard picked up 169 points and helped Sporting to the title. Spooky.

Michu could not keep it up. The following season he picked up just two goals and a handful of appearance points before disappearing from these shores altogether. It all made the Headless Chickens manager’s £27m auction transaction look a little foolish.

To find another such example of one-season wonder one must go back to the 2007-08 Kenna campaign.

Vasco De Beauvoir, the Kenna chairman‘s team, signed Roque Santa Cruz for £12m in the first transfer window, back then held in mid November.

It was a welcome change for the manager, who through some error of judgement at the auction fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling. Vasco played the first three months of the campaign with Lee Dong Gook in attack.

The Korean striker’s contribution was more than eclipsed by the Paraguayan’s. Roque went on to score 145 points for Vasco and was instrumental in the chairman picking up December’s manager of the month award.

Vasco finished seventh that May, which three months later was enough evidence for manager of Matty Taylor’s Titans (now in charge of Young Boys) to fork out £10m for Santa Cruz.

Partnered alongside Afonso Alves in attack, Roque didn’t last beyond the November window where he was released in favour of a £35m Robinho. Titans won the Canestan Combi Cup and finished third in the league.

So what’s the moral of the story?

When you release your Dong make sure it’s into the jaws of obscurity, rather than those of dead pig.

Kenna table – week 6

Weekly scores

THE Bala Rinas manager has been arrested on suspicion of sabotaging the David De Gea deal.

Wearing black balaclava, action jacket, combat trousers and toy night vision goggles, the Bala Rinas manager, who is also Kenna League treasurer, was stopped by security trying to sneak out of Fifa’s Zurich HQ with a pair of wire cutters.

Twenty minutes of interrogation and fondue in a Swiss police station were enough to break down the Bala manager, who admitted to subverting the deal in an attempt to keep the Spanish goalkeeper in with a chance of Kenna appearances.

The treasurer remains in cantonal police custody, where he was informed of his rights and his defender Jolean Lescott’s move from West Brom to Aston Villa.

The Walthamstow Reds boss was left light up top as a transfer failed to materialise for speculative auction signing Charlie Austin.

Reds must scrape through to the October window with just Bojan in attack, who is yet to enter the field of play this season. It’s unlikely the manager will recuperate the £13m paid for Austin. Or indeed the £2m for Bojan.

Elsewhere, Just Put Carles are now without the services of American midfielder Bradley Johnson.

The only winners this August were the Young Boys manager, whose canny snaffling of Pedro helped the side to second in the table, and the Dynamo Charlton manager who collects the campaign’s first Manager of the Month award.

Kenna table – week 4

Weekly scores

GLOATING was inevitable.

Having signed Pedro while rumours of his move to England hovered over the auction, the Young Boys manager was thrilled to see the Spanish forward pick up a goal and assist in his first game.

“And Pedro scores…” he tweeted above the din of the chairman cursing his decision to sign Wesley Sneijder a few years ago when everyone had said it was a done deal.

It’s the first time since the Sneijder incident a Kenna manager has seen such instant success buying a player hors d’oeuvre. But second place in the Kenna after three weeks masks concerns at Young Boys.

Many believed that with Pedro on the pitch, defender John Terry got himself sent off in deference to the Titus Bramble ruling. It turns out the former England captain had other motives.

A few minutes after seeing red, Terry appeared in the Young Boys wags section of the stand and asked Pedro’s wife if he could park ‘ [my] open-top bus up [your] King’s Road’.

Eager to extinguish murmurs this was some sort of club initiation for players’ wives, the Young Boys manager held an informal inquiry into the matter, calling forward those connected with the club to give evidence.

The plan backfired when striker Diafra Sakho was found to be intimidating witnesses.

Kenna table – week three

Weekly scores

HAVING missed the Kenna League auction the Saturday before, the treasurer was keen to get up to speed on matters. It would be a busy day.

To begin he kept an appointment with his auction second. The treasurer had left detailed instructions with his trusted associate on who to sign and who to avoid. In particular, the treasurer had told his second to ensure only players likely to make plenty of appearances were bought.

They met for coffee.

It is was a painful latte. But leaving the coffee shop and walking in the summer air the treasurer began to feel more optimistic about his side, Bala Rinas. Andre Ayew, Graziano Pelle and Dimitri Payet had all made good starts to the campaign. Perhaps things weren’t so bad after all.

Entering the lobby of Kenna HQ, the treasurer even felt genuine enthusiasm about his chances. Passing the door of the speculations department he saw the chalkstripes inside busy working out the odds on the season’s outcomes. In between lines of hurry up.

He decided to pop in and test his confidence in Bala Rinas. He approached the head chalkstripe.

His biggest rival! Despite consistently acting the buffoon, the Anders Breivik lookalike and manager of Judean Peoples’ Front had auctioned enviously well.

It was only the second week of the campaign, but it was difficult not to get despondent.

The treasurer composed himself. His next meeting was with the chairman. A financial review of the auction. Bean counting, his true speciality. In his control. Fully. An excellent way to take his mind off things.

When he entered the Kenna executive suite, the chairman was in superb spirits. Literally. The executive cocktail cabinet was heavily disturbed.

The treasurer launched into review.

Kenna table – week 2

Weekly scores

A KENNA manager embezzled money from classic car sales to bankroll his team, it has emerged.

Five players from the Judean Peoples’ Front team were bought using £11m made from flogging a well-known, carrot top’s collection of Ferraris and Jaguars.

“It’s poppycock to suggest I’ve used the credit from classic car sales to buy Jay Rodriguez (£6m), Papiss Cisse (£0.5m), Ander Herrera (£0.5m), Tony Alderweireld (£3m) and Ryan Shawcross (£1m),” said the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, picking a ginger pube from between his teeth.

The controversy is the only blemish on an otherwise superb fantasy football auction held at the Hoop and Grapes in Farringdon on Saturday.

For nearly six hours, 16 managers battled it out. The auction was augmented by silent bids from a further three absent managers.

The Titus Bramble forfeit ruling was enforced just twice in the afternoon. The absence of the Somali manager of ISIL was largely agreed as the reason why Titus made such few appearances.

Full week one scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table

Weekly scores