Weekly updates – Page 2 – The Jeff Kenna League

Necrophiliac David Fuller admits assaulting ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes

A hospital worker who assaulted dozens of female corpses over a number of years also interfered with ‘dead’ Kenna title hopes.

David Fuller, 67, assaulted several doomed title challenges in the world’s leading fantasy football league over several seasons, Maidstone Crown Court heard.

Police who raided Fuller’s home found indecent images and videos of the hospital electrician abusing the PSV Mornington’s title hopes in May 2014, six months after the manager was sacked, and the Pirates’ title hopes in 2015 and 2020, in both those seasons the team finished last.

“Evidence shows he had particular interest in the assault of dead fantasy football title challenges,” prosecutor Duncan Atkinson QC said.

“There were both photographs and videos which showed the defendant sexually abusing female corpses in the mortuaries of the two hospitals at which he worked, first the Kent and Sussex Hospital, where he worked full time from 1989, and then the Tunbridge Wells Hospital, to which he moved in 2010.

“The images and videos can be dated to a period that included his employment at both hospitals, and they show the defendant performing acts of sexual penetration on females of significantly varying ages. And some Kenna teams’ title hopes.”

David Fuller is set to be a priority Bramble player at the Kenna February transfer window.

The trail continues.

Kenna League week 9

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 9 - 2 November 2021 — Kenna week 9 – 2 November 2021

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 26 October 2021 — Kenna week 8 – 26 October 2021

Inside the chairman’s Kenna HQ

The old habits of secrecy haven’t left Kim Kuk-song.

It has taken weeks of discussions to get an interview with him, and he’s still worried about who might be listening. He wears dark glasses for the camera, and only two of our team know what we think is his real name.

Mr Kim spent 30 years working his way to the top ranks of Kenna League manager experiences department. The agency is the “eyes, ears, and brains of the Kenna chairman”, he says.

He claims he kept their secrets, sent former footballers to intimidate Kenna managers, and even built an illegal drugs-lab to stock the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

Now, the former senior colonel has decided to tell his story to the BBC. It’s the first time such a senior executive from Kenna HQ has given an interview to a major broadcaster.

Mr Kim was the “Kennaist of the Kenna”, he says in an exclusive interview. A loyal manager experiences servant.

But rank and loyalty do not guarantee your safety in Kenna HQ.

Cheerfully stolen from the BBC.

Kenna League week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 7 - 5 October 2021 — Kenna week 7 – 5 October 2021

Cream top in spite of makeweight Kane

Clotted Cream First have topped the Kenna League for the first six weeks of the season despite carrying an out-of-sorts Harry Kane.

The England captain is the lowest points scorer in the Cream starting eleven with seven points, having returned just three starts and a substitute appearance.

The Cream boss will be happy to have paid just £7m for the striker after bidding to take part in a high stakes game of ‘The Harry Kane Challenge’, where two managers go head to head naming the starting 22 players of a certain match.

While Kane flounders, Cream have found form all over the team.

Edouard Mendy (£0.5m) is top scoring with 32 points, following by Bruno Fernandes (£22m) with 30, Raphinha (£28m) with 28, Youri Tielemens (£9m) with 27, and Tyrone Mings (£0.5m) with 25.

‘Even Ben Mee bring me more points than ‘Arry,’ said the Devonian manager of Clotted Cream First.

Kenna League week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 6 - 28 September 2021 — Kenna week 6 – 28 September 2021

Kenna League week 5

Kenna week 5 - 21 September 2021 — Kenna week 5 – 21 September 2021

Vice chairman returns from exile

The Kenna League vice chairman has returned to the UK from nine months of political exile.

The second-in-command of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league was banished to Africa for fomenting dissent at Kenna HQ to undermine the chairman.

Upon seeing the vice chairman back on English soil at the weekend, followers of his social media feeds were surprised to see him not in a pool, on a mountain or beach, or within high-calibre rifle range of one of the Big Five.

‘His ratty manbun was a bit of shock too, but probably not as much as a shock as the vice chairman got when he saw the autofill had put Benjamin Mendy in his Young Boys team,’ quipped a source at Kenna HQ.

While the vice chairman’s return to England underwhelmed, Cristiano Ronaldo announced himself with typical aplomb.

The three owners of Anthony Martial, Edison Cavani, and Marcus Rashford were left to rue those signings, as the Portuguese made a mockery of auction planning.

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 4 - 14 September 2021 — Kenna week 4 – 14 September 2021

Kenna League week 3

Kenna week 3 - 7 September 2021 — Kenna week 3 – 7 September 2021

The Goal-Shy Badger

As the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, it was with considerable interest the powers that be at the Kenna HQ discovered a podcast about the perfect pub.

The Moon Under Water is hosted by two pub enthusiasts who invite a guest each episode to describe what drinks and atmosphere their fantasy boozer would boast.

Founded in 2005 in The Old Bank of England, and since then popping up in pubs all over central London, for the Kenna pondering the perfect pub proved too much to resist.

Here are the features of the Kenna HQ local in the podcast’s template. It’s just over the road from Jeff House and ideal for swift lunchtime tipple or drinks after work.

Layout and decor
The interior of the wood-panelled pub is split into two parts. The main bar, known as the Titus Bramble Lounge, is the pub’s beating heart. There’s plenty of light from large windows at front and side, but no one can see in through the smoked glass. There are a couple of stools at the bar that be used at quieter times. There’s enough room to host at least 20 for the Kenna auction if it’s too cold to hold it in the beer garden.

Out back is the public bar. The chalk stripes from the Kenna HQ speculations department can regularly be found in here bantering around the pool table on a weekday afternoon.

As the evening wears on, every hour the lights are imperceptibly dimmed a little so by midnight there’s a conspiratorial atmosphere.

Two drinks on draft
There needs to be an option between four and five per cent for session and one between five and six per cent for heavier drinking. Pilsner Urquell exactly as it’s sold in Lokal in Prague is the session beer, served in a handled glass and slipping down like milk

Cheltenham brewery Deya has the stronger option covered with their blockbuster pale ale Steady Rolling Man.

Two bottles
Henri De Blainville is a small wine cooperative in the Charentes-Maritime region. Their merlot vin de pays is delicious and can be consumed in large quantities with no impact on the experience. All at a very reasonable price point of around four euros a bottle.

Jimmy White once rented a penthouse hotel suite and had a case of Dom Perignon delivered every day for 17 days. The Kenna chairman once tried Dom while interloping at the National Chef of the Year semi finals. It’s incredible.

Two spirits
Rum is crucial. Something golden from the Caribe. Mount Gay.

Fernet Branca isn’t popular in the UK and it’s a crying shame. It is a fantastic drink which can be served in any situation and immediately makes one feel better.

Wildcard pick
Bloody Mary. None of this jamming it full of vegetables and seasoning. Just a dash of Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce added to Polish Soplica vodka and tomato juice. Superb after breakfast time or a heavy night.

Album playing
Kool & The Gang’s Greatest Hits. Floor-filling songs galore. Patrons aren’t afraid to break into dance late in the evening.

What’s barred?
For the Kenna there’s only one cardinal sin, Tactical Brambling. For the uninitiated, this is the pernicious act of triggering the Titus Bramble player forfeit process on purpose late in the auction to free up funds and give yourself an advantage.

Name
The Goal-Shy Badger. The sign features a badger kneeling in front of goal, his black and white face in his hands in despair as the ball slices over the bar. Jorge Campos is leaning against the post with his arms folded.

Kenna League week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 2 - 24 August 2021 — Kenna week 2 – 24 August 2021

Like ordering a G&T in Kabul Airport

Once upon a time in a land before going to the supermarket was a necessity rather than the only way to jazz up a Saturday night, turning up to the Kenna auction in person was the only surefire way to challenge for the title.

Managers would walk over broken pint glass (deep into the working week the streets of London were paved with it ) to get the pub and give themselves the chance of assembling a strong team.

Submit silent bids and leave your side to the autofill? You’d be waiting longer for Kenna glory than you would your G&T order in Kabul Airport departure lounge.

Those reckless days of sitting next to other people in public places and sharing bags of crisps in lieu of dinner may almost be back, but after one week of the Kenna season the competitive advantage of showing up may be a thing of the past

Just six managers tipped up in Marylebone for the auction earlier this month.

They couldn’t believe their luck when unchallenged they picked up the kind of players they would have to wait six hours and a Pirate Bramble to sign.

But the Sword of Damocles hung over them in the shape of the autofill.

Granted a small data set, but when the table is translated into a manager’s mode of auction below, some of those who made the trip to the boozer will struggle.

Pub
Autofill
Silent bids
Pub
Pub
Silent bids
Pub
Silent bids
Silent bids
Silent bids
Autofill
Silent bids
Silent bids
Pub
Pub
Silent bids
Autofill
Silent bids
Autofill
Silent bids

Kenna League week 1

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 1 - 17 August 2021 — Kenna week 1 – 17 August 2021

Bala Rinas win league, Fadges win cup

TWO Kenna managers began their trophy collections on the weekend after a combined 21 seasons of trying.

Bala Rinas confirmed their league title having comfortably topped the table for 29 weeks, picking up the October, December, and March manager of the month awards on the way.

The Kenna treasurer’s big money auction signing Sir Marcus (£29m) was among the season’s top ten performers, and will be drinking for free in the pubs of Bala now local parents have a bit more money in their pockets.

Pikey Scum, the 2018 champions, put in a spirited performance but have been in no danger of catching Bala for weeks finishing second.

The Norris Bros make up the rest of the top four. With three relegations and a highest previous finish of ninth in eight seasons, Piss Poor excelled themselves to come third.

Coming into the season trophy-less since his league, cup, and Emerson World Cup treble in 2014, the tale of the fallen (Death) Star continues for the Dark Lord, who just lost out on the Covid Cup to Hairy Fadjeetas.

Fadges toiled in the league finishing in 14th, but the luck of the knockout cup draw saw them face the only two teams lower placed than them in the league – in the quarter finals (Lokomotiv Leeds, 16th) and semi finals (Craft Beer Wankers, 17th) – before a first proper test in the final.

‘I’m cock-a-hoop, but I’m never buying Donny van der Beek again,’ said the Fadges boss.

The top six places in the league were occupied by managers ‘on the phones’, who dialled into the September auction remotely.

The rule of six managers in ‘the garden’ finished in 7th, 9th, 10th, 12th, 13th, and 15th, boasting one manager of the month award between them.

‘Midtable,’ tweeted Opta Joe.

Attentions now turn to next Saturday’s Euros Super League auction, or at least the attentions of five managers, who are the only ones to confirm attendance.

Covid Cup final result

Hairy Fadjeetas 50 – 46 The Dark Lord

Kenna week 34

Kenna-24-May-2021-final-standings-and-MOTMs — Kenna League week 34 – 24 May 2021 – Final standings and MOTMs

Prize money

Bala Rinas – £180 (Champions: £150, MOTMx3: £30)

Hairy Fadjeetas – £75 (Cup winner)

Pikey Scum – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)

Piss Poor – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)

FC Testiculadew – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)

Test Team (Please Ignore) – £10 (MOTM)

Thieving Magpies – £10 (MOTM)

Police hunt for Bala double hopes in Dark place

Excavation work is to begin at a cafe where police have been searching for the Bala Rinas’ double hopes.

The league treasurer‘s chance of winning the Kenna title and cup went missing last week and police have been searching the cellar of the the Dark Lord‘s premises.

Officers were called to FC Testicualdew on 7 May following suggestions a cup run may have been buried there.

There is enough evidence for excavation work to take place, police said.

Bala Rinas had hoped to win a maiden league and cup after 11 seasons in the Kenna League, but will have to settle for the title with an unassailable 98-point lead.

FC Testiculadew face long-time rivals Hairy Fadjeetas in this weekend’s Covid Cup final.

The Fadges manager has had a lacklustre season in the league but is hoping for his first piece of Kenna silverware.

The pinstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are massively favouring the Dark Lord, who despite not winning a trophy for seven years has two doubles to his name.

Covid Cup semi final results (from last week)

Bala Rinas 28 (54) – 31 (61) FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 26 (43) – 27 (35) Craft Beer Wankers

Final this weekend: Dark Lord v Fadges

Kenna week 32

Kenna week 33

Full scores available from The Rub.

Dark Lord threatens Bala double

BALA Rinas inexorably march on to a maiden Kenna title, but the Dark Lord threatens their double hopes.

FC Testiculadew come out of the Covid Cup semi final first leg with a four-point advantage over the league treasurer‘s eleven.

Deciphering how the Dark Lord’s team is playing so well proves difficult. Anthony Martial hasn’t made an appearance for five weeks and is set to miss at least another two.

Clean sheets from Eric Dier and Gabriel headline a workmanlike week from the FC Testiculadew side.

Bala put in a similar performance, in the Kenna equivalent of a no score draw. The only individuals of note Hugo Lloris and Joao Cancelo with seven points apiece.

Nevertheless, the treasurer will be very pleased with the 100-point cushion between him and 2018 champions Pikey Scum in the league.

He will also be delighted at having picked up Cancelo for £0.5m in the September auction, a terrific piece of pot-luck business every title-winning Kenna manager will appreciate.

Covid Cup semi final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 30 FC Testicladew
Hairy Fadjeetas 17 – 8 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 5 May 2021 — Kenna week 31 – 5 May 2021

Milnered

James Milner has been fined in Switzerland for breaking Covid restrictions with a Kenna League manager and nine sex workers.

Local police raided a party last night in the Basle flat of the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who claims he was following rules by being in a private location with up to nine people, and the English midfielder turned up uninvited.

‘I’ve been single since the start of the pandemic, it’s been lonely, and Swiss Covid restrictions allow up to 10 people inside each other,’ said the Fadges boss.

Milner’s presence at the flat is thought to have been caused by the Kenna post-auction autofill, whereby any gaps in a manager’s starting eleven are automatically allocated the highest-valued unsold players.

The veteran English midfielder is frequently overlooked by Kenna managers at the start of the season because everyone thinks he’s past it.

With 43 points (13 starts, 13 sub appearances, two assists) Milner is currently outperforming a host of midfielders for whom Kenna managers paid multi-million pound sums at the September auction.

This inauspicious list includes Donny van de Beek, for whom the Fadges boss paid £16m (or 16 per cent of his total budget).

The Dutchman was released at the February transfer window having scored a paltry 22 points.

Hairy Fadjeetas are 15th in the table, but have a chance to win the manager’s first ever piece of silverware in 10 seasons with a Covid Cup semi final against Craft Beer Wankers, known to insiders as the Duke of Sussex Derby.

The first leg takes place this weekend.

The Fadges boss said: ‘Winning the Covid Cup would be an honour, but since I live in Switzerland the £75 prize money won’t even begin to cover the cost of this Covid fine. Or the hookers.’

Kenna League week 30

Kenna week 29 - 27 April 2021 — Kenna week 29 – 27 April 2021

Covid Cup semi final first leg fixtures this weekend

Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord
Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers