Category: Weekly updates

THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.

Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.

‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.

‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.

‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’

The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.

Covid Cup – quarter final first leg

Bala Rinas 26 – 12 Thieving Magpies
Cowley Casuals 22 – 24 The Dark Lord
Fadges 19 – 4 Lokomotiv Leeds
TNS 23 – 22 Craft Beer Wankers

Kenna League week 28

“I think the phrase rhymes with clucking may God.”

Covid Cup results

Bala 29 – 14 Dark Lord
Dynamo 39 – 36 Reds
Scum 27 – 44 Pies
Casuals 34 – 18 Kuntz
Chairman 36 – 32 Cream
TT 13 – 18 Fadges
PP 26 – 21 TNS
Barry 35 – 47 Lokomotiv

Kenna League week 21

Full scores available in The Rub.

THE Kenna League’s first fully remote transfer window starts tomorrow at 6pm.

This is the only window of the season – the Kenna usually has two – and presents the sole chance for managers to set up their teams for the campaign finale.

Here are five things Kenna managers will have a keen eye on tomorrow.

The Bala Rinas manager

The Bala Rinas manager has come a long way since signing Carlos Edwards in the upstairs bar of the Black Horse on Rathbone Place 14 years ago.

Not only did he become league treasurer, this season he’s flying at the top of the table, but his previous best is three third place finishes between 2014 and 2016, and he is unaccustomed to entering a transfer window at this altitude.

Will his fledging membership of the mile high club come to a premature end even before the stewardess opens the flaps on her drinks trolley?

Bala Rinas released ballast Saed Kolasinac and Oliver Norwood earlier this week, and Trent Alexander-Arnold ends his loan spell.

The manager needs to sign a midfielder and two defenders, a big ask with just £2.5m in the bank.

Tomas Soucek (87 points), Kurt Zouma (80), Jan Bednarek (78), and Thiago Silva (71) will be top of the Bala Rinas’ shopping list, but the manager could be in for a long evening.

Edison Cavani

Chiselled from marble and deadlier from close range than a Covid-contaminated queue outside Greggs, Cavani is a world-class striker.

Despite only making seven starts in 20 game weeks, the neo-classical goal threat has already racked up 56 points and is now a regular starter.

Rodrigo, McGoldrick, Welbeck and Benteke are the highest-scoring alternatives from the available forwards. The Uruguayan will come at a premium.

The Test Team (please ignore) manager – the window’s richest club with £34.5m at his disposal – may decide to wildcard Chris Wood to make way.

The other most affluent managers are all Bramble tied too. Could we see the likes of Victor Lindelof, Ivan Cavaleiro, David De Gea, or Obi Wan-Bissaka released on wildcards?

‘Lingardinho’

August 2018. That’s the last time Jesse Lingard was signed by a Kenna manager.

Since then his stock as a midfielder has fallen almost as low as Adam Johnson’s.

But then he moved south this week and scored two goals in one game.

Could he be a replacement for Mason Greenwood at Test Team (please ignore)? Or Dele Alli at Barry Town? Or Bill Cosby at Walthamstow Reds?

The Dark Lord’s wildcard

No stranger to controversy or a title challenge, the FC Testiculadew manager is set for another window of smoke and mirrors to cut the gap on league leaders Bala Rinas.

Releasing only his loan player Matheus Pereira, foremost in his thoughts will be Ross Barkley or Pascal Gross to fill the gap in midfield.

It’s hard to predict where FCT can improve a team of steady points accumulators, but every Kenna manager knows (and every Kenna administrator dreads) ‘the Tactical Brambler‘ will spend the next 24 hours deep in scheme.

The Pirate’s Bramble

Second from bottom in the league, the Craft Beer Wankers boss is the lowest-ranked manager not to have his team recruited completely by autofill.

Having released Glenn Murray, Felipe Anderson and Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Nilsen, the Pirate has just £1.5m to sign three players.

The question in every manager’s mind is: even knowing he can only spend point five on each player, will the Pirate drink enough of his home brew to Bramble on the likes of Cavani or Zouma? Or even buy a crocked Raul Jiminez?

Like a 100-year-old Second World War veteran admitted to hospital with Coronavirus, you know the writing’s on the wall.

Player releases and remaining budgets

Manager	Loan player	Releases	Bramble ties	War chest (£m)
Paul	Greenwood	Egan, Dubravka		34.5
Mackay	–	Alli, VVD, Batshit		27
Jack	–	Jack O’Connell, Gary Cahill		25
Dudley		D Sanchez, Basham, Neves, Bill Cosby, Martinelli		18.5
Will	McBurnie	Otamendi		17
Chairman	–	Ryan, J Rod		17
Alex	Haller	Diangana		15
Aiden	Rodrigo Leeds	Donny VDB		15
Stu	Barkley	Bryan, Ake, Barnes, Jiminez	Barkley, Grealish	14
Breivik	Bale	Ozil		14
Vice chairman		Robson-Kanu		14
Silver	Thiago	Dean Henderson, Mustafi, Austin, Dwight Gayle		14
Rob				14
Sadler	Joelinton	Gomez, Long, Havertz, Vinagre, Mitrovic, Rice		13
Oli	Gross	Caballero, Cyrus Christie		9.5
Dark Lord	Pereira West Brom			7
John Norris	Fred			7
Phil	–	Vertonghen, Trezeguet		3
Lewis	Trent	Norwood, Kolasinac		2.5
Abdi	–	Glenn Murray, Denis Nilsen, Felipe Anderson		1.5

Kenna League week 19

Full scores available from The Rub.

THE political world was rocked this week as dissenting fantasy football managers stormed Kenna HQ in protest at the chairman.

The managers of Judean Peoples’ Front, Dagger’n’Redbridge, Lokomotiv Leeds, and Young Boys overwhelmed security forces to occupy Kenna HQ, before desecrating the chairman’s cocktail cabinet, smashing up the Titus Bramble Lounge (pictured), and taking recreational drugs in the executive toilet.

The attack is thought to have been sparked by the perceived unfair treatment of the quartet of managers who failed to turn up to the September auction, and had their teams completed by autofill once all the best players had been sold.

Mobile phone footage of the insurrectionists shows them shouting slogans ‘free the absentees’ and ‘hell no autofill’.

Once the alcohol had run dry, the rebels got bored and left, telling TV news crews outside they would continue to take revenge at the transfer window two weeks on Friday.

The chairman, who was away from Kenna HQ in self isolation, played down security fears, putting the sedition down to jealousy.

‘Let’s not forget, these managers all failed to attend the auction, so if they end up with the likes of Mesut Ozil and Odion Ighalo they’ve only got themselves to blame.

‘They may have occupied Kenna HQ for a couple of hours, but they’ll be occupying four of the last five places in the table for the rest of the season.

‘Of course, the other place will be occupied by the Craft Beer Wankers manager who did attend the auction, but performed so badly he’s got Glenn Murray and north London serial killer Dennis Nilsen up front.’

Kenna League week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 16