The real Super Pav

Cossack dance — Cossack caper: Pavel Pogrebnyak's having a party

PAVEL Pogrebnyak continued his emergence as one of the surprise packages of the season after adding a perfect hat-trick to his goal tally.

The striker’s heroics have Headless Chickens, whose ability to score was once in doubt, knocking on the door of the top four.

Theo Walcott’s return to form has also been welcome, while recent-signing Ashley Williams is having the last laugh after his unceremonious January exit from Judean Peoples’ Front.

The Chickens manager is now enjoying a similar fortunes to his sibling’s team FC Testiculadew.

Clint Dempsey chalked up two more goals, Rooney one and Szczesny made a penalty save, as FCT extended their lead at the top to 131 points.

The FCT and Chickens managers are fast becoming known as ‘The Mitchell Brothers of the Kenna’.

“If we catch any other managers giving it the Barry after a few in the Queen Vic, they’ll find themselves tied up in the Arches with a shooter in their Chevy and claret on their whistle,” said the Chickens and FCT gaffers in a joint statement.

Mario me!

Mario Balotelli has been urged to get married after being docked two weeks’ wages for visiting a strip joint two days before a match.

The manager of crisis-club Polonia Forsyth made the plea to improve the striker’s form on the pitch.

“Marry me, Mario,” she said before the Italian revealed he was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘Why always me?‘

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye

Bottom — Mired bottom: Polonia are in crisis

Mario Balotelli finding the net was the only glimmer of hope in another sorry week for crisis-club Polonia Forsyth.

Despite the manager’s startling battle cry a few weeks ago, the club have occupied last place since January.

“I’m fair plucked from telling the lads to ‘keep the heid or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug’, but they nae respond,” said the Polonia Forsyth boss.

The side also failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup which gets underway today.

The Bala Rinas manager, who also didn’t qualify, will be particularly happy he’s no longer staking his season on cup success. Laurent Koscielny has just scored an own goal.

Another day in paradise

Points: Steven Gerrard began to warrant his £26.5m price tag

Steven Gerrard emerged as player of the week in a competition that, remarkably, wasn’t a bar brawl.

The Just Put Carles midfielder picked up four assists as the opposition imploded, scoring just as many own goals.

For a side boasting David Silva and Kyle Walker, JPC are having an indifferent season.

“A top-four finish would be a trophy for us,” said a resigned JPC boss, as David Haye burst into the press conference and put on some Phil Collins.

Superfuzz made the best fist of a quiet week.

Striker Luis Suarez missed a penalty, but netted and provided to help them into the top four.

“Top four, bottom four: who cares? We just want to beat Pikey Scum,” said the Fuzz manager.

King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII — King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”

They think it’s all Ober…it is now!

Crash and burn — Ober and out: Gabriel's wings have been clipped

A strike in the seventh minute of stoppage time was not enough to keep Gabriel Obertan at Thieving Magpies.

The French midfielder scored one of six goals this week for the beleaguered club to catapult them out of the relegation zone for the first time since November.

Fellow Magpie Darren Pratley notched his first of the season too, but both players had the hangover from hell when the manager handed them their P45s the next day.

“It’s just too little, too late and to be honest, after buying Obertan in a phone bid, his contribution to the club hasn’t paid back the cost of the UK evening call,” said the ‘Pies gaffer while waiting until 7pm to call Karl Henry’s agent.

Another French, midefield, goal-scoring casualty this week was Charles N’Somnia.

The Newington Reds boss jettisoned the playmaker just hours before he netted his first of the term.

“Luckily there’s a lot of high-class talent out there to be signed,” said the Reds manager before meeting Youssouf Mulumbu for lunch at Subway.

Mouldy Balls!

Even with Rooney and Dzeko doing their best Shrek and Donkey impression up front, FC Testiculadew dominate the Kenna.

The club now enjoy an 82-point lead atop the league.

Attacking midfielder Clint Dempsey was the hip hop superstar a fortnight past.

‘Deuce’ the goal robot popped up again with another player-of-week hat-trick.

Two assists from Shaun Wright-Phillips, one from Marouane Fellaini and a John O’Shea clean sheet completed the rout.

“I’ve put off this kind of talk so far, but now I’ve got one hand on that tax-free prize money come May,” said the FCT boss, or ‘Monsieur Pickles Quarte-vingts’ as he’s known at the gaming tables of the principality.

Clucking banker

Cock: the Chickens boss has answered critics

Barely 19 days since a two-footed lambasting from these very pages, Headless Chickens have answered critics on the pitch.

Leon Best, Shane Long and Gamst Pedersen were singled out for their meagre contribution to Chickens’ trifling goal tally.

All three players scored this week.

Theo Walcott also netted, putting Chickens one rung up the golden boot league to third from bottom.

“People view me now as a competent Kenna manager and at the end of my tenure here when ever that might be I would like to think they will think of me as a great Kenna manager,” flapped the Chickens boss, sounding remarkably like a Welshman in Queen’s Park.

Struck by African absenteeism, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds both lost ground to FC Testiculadew.

Helped by a returning-to-form Edin Dzeko goal, the leaders moved 40 points clear of the mêlée.

What the Deuce!

FCT press conference — Testiculadew: health concerns marred post-match celebrations

A Clint Dempsey hat-trick put FC Testiculadew back on top of the Kenna in spectacular fashion.

Known as ‘Deuce’ during his keepy-uppy, rapping forays into the American ‘hood, Dempsey’s dope performance has left the FCT manager trippin’.

Commenting on his team’s emphatic week from a drop-top Cadillac full of b1tches driving at 5mph, da gaffer said: “FCT is the wickedest. Kenna say I’m pussy? I dare you to stick your dick in this.

“If I was pussy I’d be filled with syphillis, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, gettin rid of ya.”

A considerably less-than-fly week for Lokomotiv Leeds has left them 33 points off the lead.

Lokomotiv steam into 2012

The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.

The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.

However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.

“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.

Meanwhile, Judean Peoples’ Front defender Titus Bramble faces a third $exual assault charge.

“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”

Chickens Long past their Best

The Headless Chickens manager was left choking on his Christmas leftovers this week as former striker Dimitar Berbatov racked up over double the score of Leon Best and Shane Long.

The Bulgarian hitman scored 23 points over Christmas, while the Chickens’ current front two got 11 between them.

Chickens occupy tenth spot going into the New Year. They would look poised to move up the table, but for a lack of goals: only eight have been scored by the whole side this term.

“I have every confidence in every department of my team to produce the goods, not just Leon and Shane,” squawked the Chickens boss, whose £9m midfielder Pedersen is currently playing at left back.

Meanwhile, Lokomotiv Leeds extended their lead over FC Testiculadew at the top of the table, despite goals from FCT’s Dempsey and Mata.

Vasco De Beauvoir’s awful run of form has landed them in the relegation zone for the first time since before their double-winning 2009/10 season.

“The fans are starting to restless but I’m sure we can answer our critics with results on the pitch,” said the Vasco De Beauvoir gaffer-OUT, while trying to tempt Craig Gardner down from his hiding place in a tree.

Weekly scores - 29 December 2011 — Christmas was a points bonanza for some