Weekly updates – Page 4 – The Jeff Kenna League

Who needs enemies when you’ve got managers like these?

THE Kenna League chairman has vowed to crack down on managers who refuse to pay their subs after receiving ‘the lowest form of insult’ in the post.

Holding up a piece of chocolate money and a losing scratch card, the chairman said time is now up for managers failing to pay monies owed to the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league.

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who is more than two years behind in payments, is reported to have sent the items to Kenna HQ after being humiliated before Christmas when he was snapped in the pub with fellow debtor the Dulwich Red Sox manager.

‘This really is the lowest form of insult. I’d rather receive death threats than this guff. It’s the final straw,’ said the chairman.

Rumours at Kenna HQ are subs dodgers will receive any prize money payouts relative to how much they’ve paid in, which sounds a pecuniary alarm bell to debtors.

Fat Ladies‘ third place finish in 2019 and Pikey Scum‘s August 2019 Manager of the Month prize, and their fantastic form this season, will see the managers of both clubs most out of pocket unless they contact the treasurer immediately.

The Pirate and JPF manager are even further behind in their payments, but so unlikely to win anything in the Kenna their local health authorities sent them letters to say they’re ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’.

Transfer window details announced

The season’s only transfer window will take place remotely on Friday 5 February, it was announced today.

Managers must release unwanted players by the 12pm deadline on Tuesday 2 February.

The Cowley Casuals manager will have to decide (but probably not for long) on ditching either Ross Barkley or Jack Grealish, who are both Bramble tied.

Eight loan players will also be made available for the window:

Trent A-A (42 points) – Bala Rinas, 1st in the league
Sebastian Haller (41) – Dynamo Charlton, 5th
Joelinton (35) – Bunch of Kuntz, 13th
Oliver McBurnie (28) – Thame Network Solutions, 6th
Luke Shaw (23) – Cowley Casuals, 8th
Fred (19) – Piss Poor, 3rd
Gareth Bale (10) – Judean Peoples’ Front, 20th
Thiago (5) – Lokomotiv Leeds, 17th

Auction non-attendees the vice chairman and the Dagger’n’Redbridge manager are yet to discover the identity of their loan players.

A live head-to-head challenge between the two managers just before the transfer window begins has been tabled. The winner will decide the loser’s loan player.

Dennis Praet (33 points, vice chairman) and Bobby De Cordova-Reid (44 points, Daggers) are front runners.

Covid Cup

This season’s cup competition will see four groups of five in a seeded draw at the window, with the top two teams from each advancing straight into a quarter-final knockout stage.

Week	Scores published	Notes	Transfer window	Cup
16	12 January
17	19 January
18	26 January	Double GW
19	2 February		Friday 5 February	Draw
20	9 February
21	16 February			Group fixture 1
22	23 February			Group fixture 2
23	2 March			Group fixture 3
24	9 March			Group fixture 4
25	16 March			Group fixture 5
26	23 March
		Internationals
27	6 April
28	13 April			QF first leg
29	20 April			QF second leg
30	27 April
31	4 May			SF first leg
32	11 May			SF second leg
33	18 May	15 May – FA Cup Final
34	25 May			Final

Kenna table week 15

Kenna week 15 - 6 January 2021 — Kenna week 15 – 6 January 2021

Kenna table week 14

Kenna week 14 - 29 December 2020 — Kenna week 14 – 29 December 2020

Kenna table week 13

Kenna week 13 - 22 December 2020 — Kenna week 13 – 22 December 2020

Unpaid

NEARLY £500 of unpaid Kenna subs have been photographed at large walking a tightrope of pandemic restrictions in a London pub.

The grainy image emerged on Tuesday evening and featured the Judean Peoples’ Front manager and former Dulwich Red Sox manager taunting the league chairman from a table of Czech lager.

The Red Sox manager is reported to still be defending his debt with a seven-year-old story of a botched ‘first goal of the season’ sweepstake excuse involving Daniel Sturridge.

The JPF manager is said to be unrepentant and even failed to acknowledge a demand for payment disguised as a ‘Congratulations’ card sent by Kenna HQ on the birth of his second child earlier this year.

The Kenna ethics committee are particularly keen to speak to the vice chairman, who appears in the image with the two debtors, and crucially was delegated to organise a first goal of the season sweepstake seven years ago.

Upstanding Kenna managers will be pleased to note both Judean Peoples’ Front and the vice chairman’s side Young Boys are languishing at and near the foot of the table respectively.

French authorities are still keen to speak to the vice chairman over a string of suspected sex offences in the Midi Pyrenees region last month dubbed ‘Le Young Boys’ by local media.

Kenna table week 11

Kenna week 11 - 8 December 2020 — Kenna week 11 – 8 December 2020

Kenna League week 12

Kenna week 12 - 15 December 2020 — Kenna week 12 – 15 December 2020

Bala Rinas dancing to treasurer’s tune

THE Kenna League treasurer spent his fifth week running at the top of the table with a host of players performing strongly.

Jamie Vardy (57 points), Che Adams (46), Jarrod Bowen (43), Sir Marcus (39), and Hugo Lloris (37) have raced out the traps for a manager who’s highest Kenna finish is third in nine seasons of trying.

The Bala manager’s most expensive auction signing Trent Alexander-Arnold (£30m) has returned the fewest points (14) with the exception Saed Kolasinac, whose principle role in the team is as a car jacking deterrent.

‘It’s 10 weeks into the season and all the players and club staff are safe and well, so we can’t fault Saed’s commitment,’ said the treasurer.

Kenna debutants Bunch of Kuntz jumped into the top half of the table after a hat-trick from Riyad Mahrez and another penalty from Bruno Fernandes, his seventh goal of the campaign.

The Bunch of Kuntz manager will be looking forward to the February transfer window to patch up an incredibly shaky defence which includes Kevin Long (8 points), Ruben Vinagre (6) and Joe Gomez (2).

The highest performing unsigned defender Kurt Zouma will be a target, but the Kuntz manager will face stiff competition from the Pirate (Rudiger, 7 points) and Dynamo Charlton (Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty, 2).

Kenna League week 10

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 10 - 1 December 2020 — Kenna week 10 – 1 December 2020

French police hunt ‘Le Young Boys’

FRENCH police say they are tightening the net on a suspected sex offender at large in the south of the country.

Numerous reports have been made during the pandemic lockdown of a man hiding in wooded areas throughout the Midi-Pyrenees region waiting to pounce on teenagers who show any football talent.

French media have dubbed him ‘Le Young Boys’.

‘We’re very keen to speak to anyone who may know the whereabouts of this man. He’s around 40 years of age, and of medium height and build. He may identify himself as a Welshman or a Belgian, but strangely has no working knowledge of the Welsh, Flemish or French languages,’ said a Gendarmerie National spokesman.

‘Le Young Boys’ is said to approach targets with promises of a lucrative contract to play football in England.

One victim, who wished to remain anonymous, said: ‘He jumped out of a tree and said I’d be part of the richest league in the world. He insisted we toast the contract with a drink, which he provided.

‘I woke several days later in south London, locked in a cellar with Kostas Tsimikas and made to spend 15 hours a day making replica Marc Wilmots Belgium shirts from the 2002 World Cup.

‘I managed to escape but it was touch and go. I couldn’t find any way to leave the area apart from the number 88 bus which took forever. Later I was told ‘Le Young Boys’ had a place in Wandsworth.’

Authorities believe ‘Le Young Boys‘ may be part of a obscure fantasy football league formed in London, and struggling this season near the relegation zone.

Kenna League week 9

Kenna week 9 - 24 November 2020 — Kenna week 9 – 24 November 2020

[insert pithy headline here]

[insert withering takedown of modern life using Ollie Watkins as a metaphor here]

Kenna League week 7

Kenna week 7 - 3 November 2020 — Kenna week 7 – 3 November 2020

Kenna League week 8

Kenna week 8 - 10 November 2020 — Kenna week 8 – 10 November 2020

Cuckoo Lane

Turning into the pathway he stopped still and stared into the black.

Sodium lighting in the street was doing little to penetrate the narrow passage and he could only see a few feet of heavy stone wall disappearing into nothingness.

Straining his ears after the dash along the pavement, urging the blood fizzing around his head to stop, he could only make out distant traffic from the London Road until he heard the faint scrape of a footstep up ahead.

He fished out his phone and flicked on the torch. Slowly at first he advanced, the phone illuminating a small circle of light just in front of him. The ground was littered with leaves in various stages of decay, the gauzy halo of lamplight reflected pale greens, white golds and tans. The foliage tangled with broken twigs and heavy rainfall from earlier in the day, all of which squished underneath his shoes. The smell of wet fauna and the cold, smokey aroma of evenings suddenly lengthened filled the air, and it almost felt like the damp and decomposing vegetation underfoot would seep through his leather soles and up his body, bringing with it anxiety, low self-esteem and a sense of doom lapping at his soul. Doctors might call it Seasonal Affective Disorder. Kenna managers knew the sensation simply as ‘the season’.

He ducked under an arched stone bridge, his trepidation and nerves echoing from the grimy walls. Stood upright the other side he paused and listened. Was that another footstep?

He ran. Slowly at first as he bowed to dodge a second arch, but then in full strides, the ends of his breath visible in the jolting ring of torchlight. Hanging birch leaves brushed his head and shoots of ivy lashed his eyes.

If he failed to catch the fleeing form before the end of the lane he knew it would be gone for weeks, only to reappear fleetingly just before the February transfer window.

Surfacing at the other end of the passageway he slowed to the disappointed jog/walk of a commuter styling out just missing the 76 to Waterloo.

That was it. In the quiet street opposite Rowlands Pharmacy – hands on his knees, long deep breaths inflating and collapsing his shoulders – he knew the chase was futile.

The ghost of J Rod’s form had vanished.

Kenna week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna League week 6 - 27 October 2020 — Kenna League week 6 – 27 October 2020

The five worst Kenna auction signings

IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?

For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.

The question is who you shouldn’t buy.

Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.

Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers

A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.

The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.

Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI

It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.

No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.

Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies

A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.

The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.

Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds

It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.

The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.

As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.

Reds are 16th in the league.

Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town

The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.

Kenna League week 5

Full scores available from The Rub

Dyathinkhesaurus?

MESUT Ozil has been disciplined by his club for secretly sending a second to take his place in training sessions.

The German playmaker was found to have paid the club mascot to pretend he was Ozil in a dinosaur suit and attend training on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.

A source at Ozil’s Kenna League club Judean Peoples’ Front says it took two days to uncover to the switch because a middle-aged man in an oversized comedy dinosaur suit shuffling around the training ground so resembled the Ozil the coaching staff have come to know.

‘To be honest we were surprised because he appeared to be putting in some effort for once. We thought he was trying to play his way back into the starting eleven,’ said the source.

‘Mesut Ozil has been suspended pending an internal investigation. It would be inappropriate to comment further while the investigation is underway,’ read a statement from club blazers.

It is thought the club investigation will centre on a tweet by Ozil offering to pay the mascot’s wages.

Judean Peoples’ Front have made a slow start to the season, which stems from the manager’s failure to attend the 12 September auction and have his team hatecrimed by autofill.

Asked about his ambitions for the campaign, another JPF midfielder Gareth Bale said: ‘Could you pass my six iron?’

I was so sad that Jerry Quy aka our famous & loyal mascot @Gunnersaurus and integral part of our club was being made redundant after 27 years. As such, I’m offering to reimburse @Arsenal with the full salary of our big green guy as long as I will be an Arsenal player… pic.twitter.com/IfWN38x62z
— Mesut Özil (@MesutOzil1088) October 6, 2020

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Hatecrimed by the autofill

YOU could almost pity the fantasy football managers absent from the Kenna auction who left their teams to be picked by autofill.

There are many reasons those regular attendees were unable to take part in the live event, which was delayed a month by sentient 5G masts.

Among the excuses there was the Lokomotiv Leeds manager’s house move, whatever the vice chairman was doing travelling slowly east through Turkey, and a child’s birthday for which the JPF manager has been summoned to Kenna HQ for a ‘priorities’ meeting.

So you could almost feel sorry for the four managers who couldn’t even dial in for a few minutes to stop all their whole starting XI get hatecrimed by the autofill. Almost. But there are two reasons why there is no pity.

First, given the infamous bureaucracy of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league the autofill didn’t happen for a week or so after the auction proper.

Which meant post-auction imports Thiago and Gareth Bale were part of the pick, so two of the four absent managers have world-class talent in their ranks alongside the usual mix of squad players, tweaked groins and Ahmed El Mohamady.

After some jostling on the Kenna Whatsapp group, the powers that be declared Thiago and Bale ‘on loan’, which means they’ll be released at the February transfer with only £0.5m going to their respective managers. Like unfortunate inhabitants of Epstein Island, those in charge want the talent to be part of the action, but also want them to make themselves available to Prince Andrew when the time comes.

Overall, though, those two managers who couldn’t be bothered to attend have done well. When the loan solution was first proposed, the chairman had to put down a minor insurrection from a poor man’s Tony Greig threatening to form a breakaway league. Oddly enough, now poor man’s Tony Greig is 38 points clear at the top of the table not another peep has been heard from him at Kenna HQ.

The remaining two sides have no stand out players to make loanees. Alex Iwobi? Bobby De Cordova-Reid? Dwight Gayle? Kepa? Punishment enough, one might assume.

But the league has devised an even more tortuous, slow-burn forfeit to choose their loan players. Just ahead of the much-feted February transfer window the remaining two managers will be subjected to the Wheel of Misfortune.

All eleven players from each team will be entered into an online wheel spin to determine the loan player. By that point a Dennis Praet or a Jorginho could be a valuable asset, and auction attendees can bathe in the schadenfreude of seeing them made available at the window.

You could almost feel sorry for those two managers. But then you remember the second reason why not. The fuss they tried make.

If you don’t turn up to the auction and then try to influence decisions about your autofilled team… well, it’s like standing up a third date and then wondering why the following Sunday with a severe case of Kežman’s Nostril they won’t respond to your 4am booty call.

Kenna League week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Martin – nez or nelli?

EVEN the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league is not beyond the reach of a global pandemic.

Usually, 20 managers gathering in a boozer to run an auction is enough to socially distance them from anyone who isn’t a ranting nutcase, a drunk dwarf or landlord with a ringing till.

Two weeks ago the league was forced to into the remote world of video conferencing.

But Kenna managers are a worldly bunch, and far from wholly unfamiliar with shutting themselves away in a dark room to stare at people performing strange acts online for hours on end.

The weirdest act of the auction came early in the day. Six managers who had gathered outside one household – which came to be known as ‘the garden’ – witnessed first hand one of the most unprovoked and suicidal acts of Brambling the league has seen for many a year (excluding the Pirate).

Having picked up midfielder Willian at a snip in opening game of chance The Wheel of Misfortune, the Walthamstow Reds manager then bid for and bought fellow Gooner Gabriel Martinelli, triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit for buying two players from the same club.

Once the schadenfreude has subsided and Willian replaced by Bill Cosby, the Reds manager appeared unable to account for his actions.

He said he thought he’d bought goalkeeper Emilio Martinelli, another Gooner who would have also lost him Willian.

“It was remarkable,” said the chairman. “There I was auctioning Martinez to a man who had just bought Willian. All through the bidding the Reds manager appeared confused, like he couldn’t stop himself from making this Kepa.”

Rumours immediately began circulating the Reds manager’s bulk order of six per cent Buxton beers may have been behind his peculiar error.

In other news, the Pirate now has Muswell Hill murderer Dennis Neilsen in attack after spinning The Wheel of Misfortune in a game of ‘North London’s finest’.

The two players the Somali missed out on – Aubameyang and Kane – ended up going to defending cup holders Clotted Cream First for £41m and £37m respectively.

After picking up Kyle Walker for £9m, the Cream boss rung off ‘the phones’ and left his side to autofill.

“People have tried to win the Kenna with two expensive strikers and dross. For all the good it’s done them they may as well have shoved it up their nose,” said a chalkstripe from the Kenna speculations department before entering a pub toilet.

Kenna League week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.