Category: Weekly updates

EXCITEMENT around Kenna HQ was palpable.

It was more than just the buzz from a festive excess of cheese, sloe gin or the realisation you can buy a round for the whole of a country pub for the price of two pints on Theobalds Road.

The treasurer apparently had some investment news.

The promise of a windfall was affecting different football administrators in different ways.

The vice chairman booked out the board room and was phoning his ‘contact’ for a bumper order ahead of the second transfer window. It was rumoured he would be organising the event in the chairman’s likely absence.

Giggles of glee could be heard from the charts and graphs department in anticipation of entering big numbers in their little boxes.

The chalkstripes from speculations had headed to the Kenna HQ local, the Goalshy Badger, especially early and were bounding around the public bar pool table in high spirits in between unusually long stints in the gents.

The most hubbub, however, came from the chairman‘s office.

“We can finally open the Kenna club, buy premises, get those club ties!” he was heard shouting over the din of his cocktail cabinet.

“Finally, we can attract a higher class of manager. I won’t have to slum it with these taffs, pirates and tactical dimwits,” he later claimed was misheard.

After lunch, the Kenna committee gathered in the lounge bar of the Goalshy Badger for the treasurer’s full report. The chairman opened the meeting.

“Mr treasurer, we understand you have good news for me….ahem…for the league. Pray share this update with the committee.”

As the treasurer stood preparing to speak, the chairman leafed through a brochure of commercial premises in Mayfair. The vice chairman continued to pour the contents of a small plastic bag into urine sample pots of cider.

“Our investment vehicle has made a return for the first time in 10 years,” announced the treasurer to an expectant committee.

“Tell us,” demanded the chairman, “Tell us how much? Is it £50k? £100k? No, no, you don’t mean you got a visit from Agent Million?”

Shaking, the head of charts and graphs knocked back one of the urine sample pots.

The treasurer looked embarrassed.

“Umm, it’s £25,” he said.

The room went quiet. After a few moments the chairman arose, stuffed seven urine sample pots into his pockets and disappeared over the road into the Kenna HQ executive toilet.

It would be some time before he emerged.

Krakow Cup fixtures – second group match

Group A	Piss Poor	0	0	Newington Reds
Group A	Craving Cottaging	0	0	Turnpike Pirates
Group B	Clotted Cream First	0	0	Thieving Magpies
Group B	Daegger’n Redbridge	0	0	FC Testiculadew
Group C	Fat Ladies	0	0	Tottenham Network Solutions
Group C	Still dont know yet	0	0	Test team please ignore
Group D	Hairy Fadjeetas	0	0	Pikey Scum
Group D	Young Boys	0	0	Dynamo Charlton
Group E	Mo me the Mane	0	0	Dulwich Red Sox
Group E	Cowley Casuals	0	0	Chairman’s XI
Group F	Lokomotiv Leeds	0	0	Bala Rinas
Group F	Judean Peoples’ Front	0	0	Sporting Lesbian

Kenna week 18

Kenna week 17

Kenna week 16

THE government of UAE has officially pardoned the manager of Hairy Fadjeetas today after the team went top of the Kenna League, but they say he is still ‘shit’.

The Dubai-based boss of the Fadges has been in custody in the Arab state for the last six months after being found guilty of having an empty trophy cabinet since 2011.

In a news conference in Dubai, a UAE spokesman showed a video of the Fadges boss allegedly confessing to ‘being shit at the Kenna’.

The club claims their manager did not understand the charges brought against him since he does not speak Arabic.

The Fadges gaffer was granted a ‘presidential pardon’ once it emerged he was number one in the Kenna, the first time a manager in the Middle East has topped the league.

The UAE spokesperson went on to say the manager was free because of “the state’s extreme clemency in the face of him signing Victor Moses, Martin Dubrawka and Danny Ings at the August auction.”

A statement from Kenna HQ read: “From Riyadh to Ras El Hanout, regional experts are scratching their heads at the situation. In eight seasons in the league Fadges have finished 15th, 9th, 13th, 10th, 17th (relegated), 3rd and 8th^.

“You’d have thought they would cut off the hand he uses to bid for players.”

Kenna week 13

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 12

Kenna table week 11

Kenna table week 9

TUMULT is expected at next Friday’s Kenna transfer window when a new ‘sham slut’ rule will be imposed for the first time.

Rather than the evening disintegrating into a beery haze of meandering signings and unkept promises of all-night drinking in Bermondsey, transfer dealings are set to cease when an old alarm clock sounds at 10pm.

The new rule is likely to cause disarray with canny managers who prey on their competitors’ lack of moderation. And of course, the Pirate.

“Managers will have exactly three hours from 7pm to sign players through the traditional auction method. Once the alarm clock sounds there will be no more sales,” warned a Kenna HQ statement.

“Anyone who hasn’t made their signings before the window ‘shams slut’ will have their side auto-filled”, a tactic working quite well for the Pikey Scum manager, Kenna HQ failed to add.

Kenna table – week 8

THE Pikey Scum manager has talked of his ‘utter relief’ at being knocked from the top of the Kenna League table just short of 12 months up there.

Young Boys assumed pole position this week ending a Pikey Scum run which started on 7 October 2017 – game week seven of last season.

The Scum boss first aired his concerns upon winning the Dmitri Kharine World Cup in July.

“I’ve got to be honest, it was starting to get embarrassing,” said the Scum boss from his New York home.

“While the rest of the league were physically at the auction, responding to dynamics of the event I was picking up the odd player through silent bids and patchy Whatsapp messages. How do you think I ended up signing Mitrovic?

“How everyone else continually failed to beat someone bidding from 2,000 miles away is really beyond me. Although saying that, I hardly won anything when I actually attended auctions.”

Kenna HQ has dismissed concerns the choice of holding auctions in the pub leads to reduced decision-making capabilities in managers present.

“Kenna managers are dedicated to the league and not easily distracted from the seamier diversions of London life,” said the Kenna chairman in a press conference this lunchtime called outside The Holborn Whippet.

“This is the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and we take that title very seriously. It’s not like we’re all abusing alcohol or getting high.”

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

EYEBROWS in the Kenna League are being cocked more times than Dick Turpin’s pistol as committee members dominate three of the top four spots in the table.

Murmurs of foul play are echoing around the league, especially since the auction night debacle that saw 27 appeals submitted when player sales were incorrectly logged.

Two times Kenna League and Cup double winner the Dark Lord, whose team sits 16th in the table, led the dissent.

“By now I should be wiping the floor with these impudent earthlings, easily overcoming their foolish fascination with paying big money for English players, but this season I’m lower mid-table.

“This is unacceptable. I shall crush them like an Imperial general’s windpipe,” he thundered at the club’s training facility The Death Star, overlooking his 14th-placed finish last season.

Nathaniel Clyne, Yerry Mina and Pablo Zabaleta are yet to register a single point between them for the Dark Lord’s side.

Pikey Scum continue to defend the maiden Kenna title they won last season, picking up August’s Manager of the Month award.

Silent bids for Aleksander Mitrovic, Harry Kane, Kyle Walker and Rui Patricio have all payed off, but the fact the Pikey Scum manager is the one who set up the spreadsheet that failed so epic a fashion has set tongues wagging.

“It’s embarrassing really,” said the Scum boss. “I won the [Dmitri] Kharine [World Cup 2018] with silent bids from New York because everyone at the London auction [allegedly] got high [on MRSA, allegedly] and made terrible buying decisions.

“What can possibly be your excuses this time?”

The chairman stands of accused of dereliction of duty during a trying month for the Kenna, buggering off the Algarve and soaking his liver in Super Bock and vinho verde.

“These rumours are heavily unfounded. I continue to work tirelessly for the good of the Kenna,” he told a press conference in Faro.

Kenna table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna table week 3