Weekly updates – Page 9 – The Jeff Kenna League

‘Matthew Falder blackmailed me into a Bramble’

A former Kenna League manager has claimed the notorious ‘dark web paedophile’ Matthew Falder forced him to sign the footballers who went on to derail his season.

Cambridge graduate Falder (pictured) was sentenced yesterday to 32 years in prison for manipulating dozens of victims online into performing humiliating and unspeakable acts.

The ex-Sleptember XI manager says Falder blackmailed him into signing the likes of Joe Hart, Marcus Rojo and Diego Costa at the Kenna League August auction.

He also claims Falder made him buy an illegal player to trigger the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and start the campaign with Stan Collymore in attack.

Falder gained blackmail material after approaching the manager on the dark web under false pretences on the dark web.

According to the manager, he was duped into thinking Falder was a representative of Kenna HQ collecting information for the league’s private medical insurance scheme, and emailed nude photographs of himself as evidence of his hardihood.

“It was a living nightmare, and now I’ve seen all these other victims he’s abused I know it must have been him who was behind it. It explains so much,” said the ex-Sleptember manager in a press conference at his local Wetherspoon’s.

“I was at the summer auction watching rivals sign Harry Kane and Roberto Firmino, and Falder was messaging me saying ‘sign Fernando Llorente for at least £10m or I’ll post *those* photos on your club’s fan forum’.”

The manager bought Llorente for £14m and blames Falder for the huge loss he went on to make at the October transfer window when Sporting Lesbian snapped up the Spaniard for £0.5m.

Sleptember XI, 21st in the league at the time, sacked the manager shortly afterwards, installing Stan Collymore as interim.

The club is still 21st in the league.

In response to the claims, a statement from Kenna HQ read: “Opting in to the Kenna League private medical insurance scheme has never been easier. Just email your documents and supporting evidence to the manager experiences department.”

Krakow Cup – knockout fixtures

Draw to be broadcast live this weekend. Probably from a snooker club.

Last 16
First leg – 6 March
Second leg – 12 March

Quarter finals
First leg – 2 April
Second leg – 10 April

Semi finals
First leg – 24 April
Second leg – 1 May

Final
15 May

Kenna table – week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 - 13 February 2018 — Kenna week 24 – 13 February 2018

Kenna table – week 25

Kenna week 25 - 20 February 2018 — Kenna week 25 – 20 February 2018

Press release: Kenna League appoints Van Hauwermeiren as new charity director

Kenna HQ, London, 11 February 2018 – The Kenna League, the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, has appointed Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the league’s charity arm, the Kenna Foundation.

Van Hauwermerien, 68, brings experience from the charity sector having worked for such prestigious organisations as Oxfam and Action Against Hunger, providing humanitarian aid to the globe’s most exploited regions .

As director of the Kenna Foundation, Van Hauwermieren will be responsible for the charity’s work bringing substance misuse support to washed-up fantasy football managers.

The Kenna chairman said: “We’re delighted to appoint Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the Kenna Foundation. Roland has a wealth of experience bringing succour to some of the world’s most exploited people.

“Whether people are displaced in Chad or recovering from an earthquake in Haiti, Roland has been right there on the frontline getting relief, day-in day-out. It seems his colleagues never had a bad word to say about him.

“He’s full of ideas and has already suggested setting up Kenna Foundation projects in Colombia, Ukraine and Thailand.

“Once we go through the small formality of getting his references checked, Roland will immediately begin work in a remote villa in a developing country.”

Kenna table – week 23

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 23 - 6 February 2018 — Kenna week 23 – 6 February 2018

All-male fantasy football managers ‘grope’ their way through transfer night

PRESSURE groups are calling for a London fantasy football league to be discontinued because the all-male managers ‘grope’ their way through boozy evenings in the pub.

The shocking allegations were revealed in an undercover sting by a Financial Times journalist who infiltrated the Kenna League auction in August last year.

‘This secretive and alcohol-fuelled group of men make out they’re football experts but in reality they’re just groping their way through the evening,’ said the reporter.

‘In one instance at the August auction I witnessed a manager buy Diego Costa at auction at least a week after the striker had moved to Atletico Madrid.

‘The manager was quite clearly fingering his way around in the dark but the rest of the league, all men, either because they were drunk or wanted the manager to fail, or both probably, waited until the hammer came down and then burst out laughing.

‘It was a disgusting.’

Grainy footage at the auction showed how one manager became so drunk he bought a second Chelsea player and lost Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling.

‘He stalked off and played with his phone for a bit while everyone else jeered like animals.’

Following the reports, lobby groups are campaigning for this Friday’s Kenna transfer window to be called off.

‘Think of all the members who’ll be fondled and molested by these reckless and unrepentant Kenna managers drunk on Spanish-branded lager and the moody bottle of schnapps the league chairman plans to bring to the transfer evening,’ said a spokesperson for the Professional Footballers’ Association.

Kenna HQ is putting out an implacable front and insists the transfer window will go ahead as planned.

‘Managers have until midday on Thursday to send their released players to the Kenna, and bidding will begin in earnest at 7pm on Friday,’ said the chairman in a press conference held outside the Holborn Whippet at lunchtime.

‘We have nothing to fear. Our league will bear as much scrutiny as Glenn Murray’s…erm…accounts.’

Kenna table week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Mkhitaryan, Lacazette, Morata and Barkley all Bramble tied

TWO Kenna League managers find themselves with a tough decision to make ahead of Thursday’s midday transfer deadline.

Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Ross Barkley both made high-profile moves south mean Sporting Lesbian and Piss Poor respectively are both Bramble tied.

Sitting sixth in the table, Sporting Lesbian must now decide between releasing the Armenian midfielder or striker Alexandre Lacazette. Releasing either player could significantly add to the manager’s war chest of £10m.

Meanwhile the Piss Poor manager has make the choice between Ross Barkley and Alvaro Morata.

Piss Poor signed Morata in extraordinary circumstances in the August auction, and it’s thought he’ll stick with the Spaniard over the out of form Barkley.

The Piss Poor manager could be in the market for Mkhitaryan or Lacazette now his star player Alexis Sanchez has moved north.

Managers have until midday on Thursday (1 February) to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ.

The window will open at 7pm this Friday (2 February) in the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Kenna table week 21

Facades

DARK times at Kenna HQ.

Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.

What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?

Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.

Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.

Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.

Many hope this is just a temporary blip.

They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.

Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Full scores available from The Rub.

Krakow Cup – 16 January 2018

Krakow Cup - 17 January 2018 — Krakow Cup – 17 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 9 January 2018

Krakow Cup – 5 January 2018

Kenna table week 20

Kenna table week 19

Kenna week 19 - 9 January 2018 — Kenna week 19 – 9 January 2018

Kenna table week 18

Full scores available from The Rub.

New Year message from the chairman

‘I’m on the wagon until the Kenna transfer window on Friday 2 February.

‘Yes. You have heard that one before.’

Kenna League table week 17

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 17 - 29 December 2017 — Kenna table week 17 – 29 December 2017

Killing time in West Pomerania

THE Berlin to Poznan train was fully booked.

Rather than shelling out for first class the next morning, the Kenna League chairman opted for a more roundabout route through Szczecin (or Stettin if you’re Teuton) and a maiden voyage into the region of West Pomerania.

The journey included onward travel so of course, the big question was: how do you kill 90 minutes in West Pomerania?

One of the nearest pubs to the Szczecin station was Irish.

It was the Friday before Christmas. Unlike Godless Brits, Poles view advent as a time of reflection rather than Prosecco and photocopied private parts. It was late afternoon and the majority of West Pomeranians were soberly going about their business.

The street was called Kaszubska, named after a region in Pomerania to the east. A few steps descent into the Irish Pub Dublin, the chairman walked into decor straight from the Guinness catalogue.

Dark wood, low lighting and mirrors with stout brands. The barman wasn’t Irish, a surprise to result in a clumsy exchange which left the barman quite certain the customer was English.

This may account for what happened next.

Settling down at a table with his pint of Pomeranian-brewed Kasztelan, the chairman all of a sudden heard the music stop. What would they put on the welcome the leader of the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league?

‘I’m forever blowing bubbles’ sang a rabble to the five punters in the pub. Then a beat, then lots of men effing and jeffing about West Ham. Oh dear, it was a Hammers CD.

The chairman sipped his Pomeranian beer, wondered what the reaction should be in West Pomerania and decided to do nothing.

Halfway through the second Hammers song the bar gave up and put Christmas music back on.

The chairman finished his pint, put on his hat and coat, and left the pub wondering if he’d been mistaken for a Green Street casual.

Krakow Cup – group stage round two

Krakow Cup round 2 - 19 December 2017 — Krakow Cup round 2 – 19 December 2017

Kenna League table week 16

Kenna table week 16 - 19 December 2017 — Kenna table week 16 – 19 December 2017

Puncheon above his Bony Kante

THE Christmas party at Kenna League club Puncheon the Bony Kante has been cancelled due to a culture of dressing room violence, it has emerged.

The side’s poor form and the manager’s strange choice of team name has led to macabre bust ups between players after matches.

A source at the club said: ‘Early in the season the manager walked into the dressing room to find Ashley Williams holding Mamadou Sakho in a headlock while Danilo hit him in the head shouting “I’m Puncheon the Bony Sakho Shit”.’

The manager had to intervene but the incident has led to players ganging up on each other to come up with the best word play on the team’s name, claimed the source.

Shortly after the initial incident, a young Nigerian playmaker needed hospital treatment when someone coined ‘Puncheon Iwobi Kante’.

Then young English striker Lingard suffered a black eye when a teammate cracked ‘Puncheon the Jesse Kante’.

During the Rainbow Laces LGBT awareness weekend in November, striker Andre Gray found himself the unfortunate victim of ‘Fisting the Bony Kante’.

The striker was attacked again alongside midfielder Demarai Gray as teammates quipped ‘Puncheon two shades of Gray out the Kante’.

The situation came to a head last weekend when goalkeeper Caballero received life-changing injuries after his Gatorade was spiked with Viagra to tee up the punchline ‘Puncheon the Bony Willy’.

Languishing third from bottom in the league and losing the opening group game of the Krakow Cup, the pressure is on the mysterious debutant manager.

He’s responded by pulling the plug on the fairy lights and is rumoured to be taking advice on the issue from the England Cricket Board.

Krakow Cup group stage – results and standings

Kenna cup results - 12 December 2017 — Kenna cup results – 12 December 2017

Kenna table – week 15

Full scores available from The Rub.

Disappointing turn out for Krakow Cup draw

FIFA blazers are being blamed for the low turn out at the Kenna’s Cup draw in London, because they held the World Cup draw in Russia six days later.

Just three people, including the Kenna League chairman and former Bramble player Eric Djemba-Djemba, attended the Krakow Cup draw two weeks ago in the Pressure Drop brewery in Tottenham.

“We invited the cream of world football society – Maradona, Gordon Banks, Fabio Cannavaro and the like, the media and Zurich blazers but they turned us all down to get to the fleshpots of Moscow a week early,” said a downcast Kenna chairman to no journalists outside the brewery on the Lockwood Industrial Park.

Kenna League Krakow Cup draw at Pressure Drop taproom #fantasyfootball https://t.co/TJr4LExmp4

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) November 25, 2017

Sources at Kenna HQ say in the end the chairman got desperate and called former Bramble players to drum up some numbers.

“Christophe Berra had a crucial home game for Hearts against Hamilton Academical, Adam Johnson was otherwise detained and Eric Djemba-Djemba only showed up to demand £20k in cash to pay off some loan sharks,” said the Kenna deep throat.

Nevertheless, the Krakow Cup draw went ahead with holders AJFC drawn into six-team group C. The first fixtures take place this weekend.

In the league, Pikey Scum retain a slender 22-point lead over a surging Two Goals One Cup.

Fixtures

Tuesday 12 December

Tuesday 19 December

Tuesday 2 January

Tuesday 9 January

Tuesday 16 January

Group A

Sleptember
Bala Rinas
Dynamo Charlton
Cowley Casuals
No Hay Fiesta Sin Iniesta

Group B

Wandsworth NS

So Good Twice

Pikey Scum

Burquini Pool Party

Young Boys

Group C

Piss Poor

Puncheon the Bony Kante

Lokomotiv Leeds

Two Goals One Cup

Don’t Know Yet

AJFC

Group D

Magpies

ISIL

Sporting Lesbian

The Brambler

Breivik

Dudley

Kenna League table – week 14

Kenna table week 14 - 6 December 2017 — Kenna table week 14 – 6 December 2017

Kenna League table – week 13

Week 13 - 28 November 2017 — Week 13 – 28 November 2017

Brewery to host Kenna cup draw

THE Kenna League’s cup competition draw is to be held on a Tottenham industrial estate after this Saturday was designated ‘Beavertown Day’ by officials.

Teams from the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league will be drawn into four groups by Kenna HQ delegates visiting the Beavtertown Brewery on Lockwood Industrial Park in north London (pictured).

The decision to hold the draw in a taproom was a ‘strategic consideration’ according to Kenna HQ, and nothing to do with the chairman’s wife being away for the next few days in Krakow.

Whatsapp push notifications lit up across London with the ‘strategic consideration’.

Made up of picnic tables in a concrete car park and up to eight cheap and delicious beers flowing from 2pm to 8pm every Saturday, the Beavertown Brewery taproom is seen by many Kenna HQ gazers as a long overdue venue for official league activity.

Beavertown Brewery founder and owner Logan Plant, son of Led Zeppelin star Robert, said: “To have the Kenna League cup draw here is a real honour, but we’re still turning down a request for members of the Kenna executive committee to drink for free all day, despite promises of up to seven people watching the event live on Periscope.”

To mark this ‘seminal moment’ in the league’s history, the knockout competition has officially been renamed the Krakow Cup.

Fact: Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant once played fathers’ day cricket against former Kenna League competitor The Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Kenna table – week 12

Full scores available from The Rub.