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Tottenham Network Solutions 2018/19

Will and Gunnersaurus Rex — Influences at the highest echelons of the game: The TNS manager (left)

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Home ground: King George’s Park

Training facility: The Alma

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Kenna Index rating: N/A
2010/11 – 8th
2012/13 – 19th (relegated)
2013/14 – did not enter
2014/15 – did not enter
2015/16 – 7th
2016/17 – 10th
2017/18 – 13th

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £10m
Spend: £0.5m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £9.5m

Leno, B	ARS	£10.00
Otamendi, N	MCY	£18.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£11.00
Pereira, R	LEI	£5.00
Lindelof, V	MUN	£0.50
Zaha, W	CRY	£21.00
Anguissa, A (TW1)	FUL	£0.50
Doucoure, A	WAT	£6.00
Gueye, I	EVE	£0.50
Giroud, O	CHE	£14.00
Defoe, J	BOU	£6.00
		£92.50

Auction XI

Leno, B	ARS	£10.00
Otamendi, N	MCY	£18.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£11.00
Pereira, R	LEI	£5.00
Lindelof, V	MUN	£0.50
Zaha, W	CRY	£21.00
Savile, J	BRM	£8.00
Doucoure, A	WAT	£6.00
Gueye, I	EVE	£0.50
Giroud, O	CHE	£14.00
Defoe, J	BOU	£6.00
		£100.00

Piss Poor 2018/19

Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)
2017/18 – 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £16m
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £16m

Schmeichel, K	LEI	£11.00
Kompany, V	MCY	£5.00
Trippier, K	TOT	£15.00
Coleman, S	EVE	£8.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£9.00
Jorginho	CHE	£6.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£7.00
Mooy, A	HUD	£5.00
Lingard, J	MUN	£17.00
Sturridge, D	LIV	£9.00
Vietto, L	FUL	£2.00
		£94.00

Auction XI

Schmeichel, K	LEI	£11.00
Kompany, V	MCY	£5.00
Trippier, K	TOT	£15.00
Coleman, S	EVE	£8.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£9.00
Jorginho	CHE	£6.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£7.00
Mooy, A	HUD	£5.00
Lingard, J	MUN	£17.00
Sturridge, D	LIV	£9.00
Vietto, L	FUL	£2.00
		£94.00

Hairy Fadjeetas 2018/19

Manager: Aiden (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @Br15land

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bikini Lane

Training facility: The Growler

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2011/12 – 15th
2012/13 – 9th
2013/14 – 13th
2014/15 – 10th
2015/16 – 17th (relegated)
2016/17 – 3rd
2017/18 – 8th

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Darts music: Inner Circle – Sweat

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £20m
Spend: £0.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget: £19.5m

Dubravka, M	NEW	£2.00
Aurier, S	TOT	£0.50
Monreal, N	ARS	£0.50
Mawson, A (TW2)	FUL	£0.50
Digne, L	EVE	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£29.00
Mata, J	MUN	£5.00
Pritchard, A	HUD	£3.00
Anderson, F	WHM	£11.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£33.00
Ings, D	SOT	£15.00
		£100.00

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £10m
Spend: £0.5m
Player sales: £0.5m (Christensen to Craven Cottaging)
Remaining budget: £10m

Dubravka, M	NEW	£2.00
Aurier, S	TOT	£0.50
Monreal, N	ARS	£0.50
Moses, V (TW1)	CHE	£0.50
Digne, L	EVE	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£29.00
Mata, J	MUN	£5.00
Pritchard, A	HUD	£3.00
Anderson, F	WHM	£11.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£33.00
Ings, D	SOT	£15.00
		£100.00

Auction XI

Dubravka, M	NEW	£2.00
Aurier, S	TOT	£0.50
Monreal, N	ARS	£0.50
Christensen, A	CHE	£0.50
Digne, L	EVE	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£29.00
Mata, J	MUN	£5.00
Pritchard, A	HUD	£3.00
Anderson, F	WHM	£11.00
Firmino, R	LIV	£33.00
Ings, D	SOT	£15.00
		£100.00

Turnpike Pirates 2018/19

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Form
2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)
2015/16 – 16th
2016/17 – 5th
2017/18 – 18th

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £12m
Spend: £6.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget: £m

Hart, J	BUR	£2.00
Maguire, H	LEI	£12.00
Bamba, S (TW2)	CAR	£0.50
Holebas, J (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Bailly, E	MUN	£6.00
Billing, P (TW2)	HUD	£6.00
Mkhitaryan, H	ARS	£19.00
Redmond, N (TW1)	SOT	£8.00
Knockaert, A (TW1)	BTN	£0.50
Heung-min, S	TOT	£18.00
Rondon, S	NEW	£12.00
		£84.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £10.5m
Spend: £9.5m
Player sales: £1m (Danilo and Wilshere to Craven Cottaging for £0.5m each)
Remaining budget: £2m

Hart, J	BUR	£2.00
Maguire, H	LEI	£12.00
Kenny, J (TW1)	EVE	£0.50
Holebas, J (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Bailly, E	MUN	£6.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£8.00
Mkhitaryan, H	ARS	£19.00
Redmond, N (TW1)	SOT	£8.00
Knockaert, A (TW1)	BTN	£o.50
Heung-min, S	TOT	£18.00
Rondon, S	NEW	£12.00
		£86.50

Auction XI

Hart, J	BUR	£2.00
Maguire, H	LEI	£12.00
Danilo	MCY	£0.50
Soares, C	SOT	£3.00
Bailly, E	MUN	£6.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£8.00
Mkhitaryan, H	ARS	£19.00
Wilshere, J	WHM	£7.00
Besic, M	EVE	£12.00
Heung-min, S	TOT	£18.00
Rondon, S	NEW	£12.00
		£99.50

Lokomotiv Leeds 2018/19

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Leeds)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Home ground: Bellend Road

Training facility: The Train Shed

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th
2017/18 – 4th

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £27m
Spend: £
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Begovic, A	BOU	£1.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£5.00
Morrison, S	CAR	£6.00
Papastathopoulos, S	ARS	£5.00
Duffy, S	BTN	£0.50
Sanchez, A	MUN	£30.00
Sigurdsson, G	EVE	£8.00
Fernandinho	MCY	£0.50
Tielemans, Y (TW2)	LEI	£0.50
Grant, K (TW2)	HUD	£0.50
Joselu (TW1)	NEW	£11.00
		£68.00

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £28m
Spend: £11.5m
Player sales: £0.5m (Bonatini to Mo Me The Mane)
Remaining budget: £17m

Begovic, A	BOU	£1.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£5.00
Morrison, S	CAR	£6.00
Papastathopoulos, S	ARS	£5.00
Duffy, S	BTN	£0.50
Sanchez, A	MUN	£30.00
Sigurdsson, G	EVE	£8.00
Fernandinho	MCY	£0.50
Lanzini, M (TW1)	WHM	£0.50
Morata, A	CHE	£25.00
Joselu (TW1)	NEW	£11.00
		£92.50

Auction XI

Begovic, A	BOU	£1.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£5.00
Morrison, S	CAR	£6.00
Papastathopoulos, S	ARS	£5.00
Duffy, S	BTN	£0.50
Sanchez, A	MUN	£30.00
Sigurdsson, G	EVE	£8.00
Fernandinho	MCY	£0.50
Fabinho	LIV	£0.50
Morata, A	CHE	£25.00
Bonatini, L	WLV	£0.50
		£82.00

Newington Reds 2018/19

English food: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: Krakow Cup 2018

Form
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th
2017/18 – 6th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £83.5m
Spend: £84m
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Fabianski, L	WHM	£1.00
Evans, J (TW1)	LEI	£0.50
Robertson, A	LIV	£14.00
Coady, C	WLV	£0.50
Taylor, C (TW1)	BUR	£11.00
Milivojevic, L	CRY	£5.00
Hojbjerg, P (TW2)	SOT	£0.50
Camarasa, V (TW1)	CAR	£0.50
Babel, R (TW2)	FUL	£18.00
Murray, G	BTN	£0.50
Higuain, G (TW2)	CHE	£65.00
		£116.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £84.5m
Spend: £12m
Player sales: £1m (Phil Jones and Andre Gomes to Cowley Casuals for £0.5m each)
Remaining budget: £73.5m

Fabianski, L	WHM	£1.00
Evans, J (TW1)	LEI	£0.50
Robertson, A	LIV	£14.00
Coady, C	WLV	£0.50
Taylor, C (TW1)	BUR	£11.00
Milivojevic, L	CRY	£5.00
Kenedy	NEW	£0.50
Camarasa, V (TW1)	CAR	£0.50
Lamela, E	TOT	£0.50
Murray, G	BTN	£0.50
Gray, A	WAT	£0.50
		£34.50

Auction XI

Fabianski, L	WHM	£1.00
Jones, P	MUN	£2.00
Robertson, A	LIV	£14.00
Coady, C	WLV	£0.50
Mawson, A	FUL	£0.50
Milivojevic, L	CRY	£5.00
Kenedy	NEW	£0.50
Gomes, A	EVE	£0.50
Lamela, E	TOT	£0.50
Murray, G	BTN	£0.50
Gray, A	WAT	£0.50
		£25.50

Kenna committee carry on raises eyebrows

EYEBROWS in the Kenna League are being cocked more times than Dick Turpin’s pistol as committee members dominate three of the top four spots in the table.

Murmurs of foul play are echoing around the league, especially since the auction night debacle that saw 27 appeals submitted when player sales were incorrectly logged.

Two times Kenna League and Cup double winner the Dark Lord, whose team sits 16th in the table, led the dissent.

“By now I should be wiping the floor with these impudent earthlings, easily overcoming their foolish fascination with paying big money for English players, but this season I’m lower mid-table.

“This is unacceptable. I shall crush them like an Imperial general’s windpipe,” he thundered at the club’s training facility The Death Star, overlooking his 14th-placed finish last season.

Nathaniel Clyne, Yerry Mina and Pablo Zabaleta are yet to register a single point between them for the Dark Lord’s side.

Pikey Scum continue to defend the maiden Kenna title they won last season, picking up August’s Manager of the Month award.

Silent bids for Aleksander Mitrovic, Harry Kane, Kyle Walker and Rui Patricio have all payed off, but the fact the Pikey Scum manager is the one who set up the spreadsheet that failed so epic a fashion has set tongues wagging.

“It’s embarrassing really,” said the Scum boss. “I won the [Dmitri] Kharine [World Cup 2018] with silent bids from New York because everyone at the London auction [allegedly] got high [on MRSA, allegedly] and made terrible buying decisions.

“What can possibly be your excuses this time?”

The chairman stands of accused of dereliction of duty during a trying month for the Kenna, buggering off the Algarve and soaking his liver in Super Bock and vinho verde.

“These rumours are heavily unfounded. I continue to work tirelessly for the good of the Kenna,” he told a press conference in Faro.

Kenna table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub

Kenna week 4 - 4 September 2018 — Kenna week 4 – 4 September 2018

Kenna table week 3

Kenna week 3 - 29 August 2018 — Kenna week 3 – 29 August 2018

Pikey Scum 2018/19

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Kenna League champions 2017/18, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review), Dmitri Kharine 2018 World Cup 2018 winner

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th
2017/18 – 1st

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £27m
Spend: £1.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Patricio, R	WLV	£5.00
Schindler, C	HUD	£0.50
Walker, K	MCY	£17.00
Clyne, N (TW2)	BOU	£0.50
Klavan, R (TW2)	LIV	£0.50
Walcott, T	EVE	£6.00
Iwobi, A	ARS	£0.50
Lanzini, M (TW2)	WHM	£0.50
Kante, N	CHE	£0.50
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
Mitrovic, A	FUL	£22.00
		£93.00

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £17m
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £17m

Patricio, R	WLV	£5.00
Schindler, C	HUD	£0.50
Walker, K	MCY	£17.00
Darmian, M	MUN	£0.50
Ward, S	BUR	£0.50
Walcott, T	EVE	£6.00
Iwobi, A	ARS	£0.50
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£0.50
Kante, N	CHE	£0.50
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
Mitrovic, A	FUL	£22.00
		£93.00

Auction XI

Patricio, R	WLV	£5.00
Schindler, C	HUD	£0.50
Walker, K	MCY	£17.00
Darmian, M	MUN	£0.50
Ward, S	BUR	£0.50
Walcott, T	EVE	£6.00
Iwobi, A	ARS	£0.50
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£0.50
Kante, N	CHE	£0.50
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
Mitrovic, A	FUL	£22.00
		£93.00

FC Testiculadew 2018/19

‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Form
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th
2015/16 – 8th
2016/17 – 2nd
2017/18 – 14th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: The Imperial March (Family Guy elevator remix)

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £15.5m
Spend: £8m
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £7.5m

Arrizabalaga, K	CHE	£14.00
Otto, J (TW1)	WLV	£8.00
Mina, Y	EVE	£0.50
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£0.50
Mee, B	BUR	£4.00
Meyer, M	CRY	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£21.00
Elyounoussi, M	SOT	£0.50
Gundogan, I	MCY	£3.00
Lukaku, R	MUN	£41.00
Iheanacho, K	LEI	£6.50
		£98.50

Auction XI

Arrizabalaga, K	CHE	£14.00
Clyne, N	LIV	£3.00
Mina, Y	EVE	£0.50
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£0.50
Mee, B	BUR	£4.00
Meyer, M	CRY	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£21.00
Elyounoussi, M	SOT	£0.50
Gundogan, I	MCY	£3.00
Lukaku, R	MUN	£41.00
Iheanacho, K	LEI	£6.50
		£94.50

Technical issues plague Kenna auction

TECHNICAL issues at the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football auction saw the league descend in chaos.

A total of 27 appeals were made by managers following the annual, pre-season Kenna League auction as charts and graphs recorded sales incorrectly.

“The hand of the chairman was swift, resolute and had just the right amount of wrist in handling appeals after the auction,” read a press release from Kenna HQ in the aftermath of the appeals process, which saw the technical issues quickly rectified.

An unprecedented 24 managers entered the Kenna League, with many teams were left unfilled after more than five hours of bidding.

“Clusterfuck. It was a total clusterfuck,” said the vice chairman afterwards.

“Nowhere near as well organised as the Kharine auction in the summer,” where I spiked everyone with letters to paper over my administrative cracks, he failed to add.

Rumours abound Kenna HQ will be testing a timed transfer window in October, where after a certain time all bidding will finish and gaps in teams will be auto filled.

On the pitch, Cowley Casuals lead the Kenna after two weeks, Benjamin Mendy (£26m), Callum Wilson (£10m) and James Maddison (£9m) all enjoying productive starts to the campaign.

The 27 appeals

Zohore to Test Team for 0.5m
Neves to the Chairman for 17m
Valencia, Lanzini and Izquierdo to Clotted Cream for 0.5m each
Adjust value of PVA in Silver’s team to 5m
Harold Shipman moves from defence to striker for Young Boys
Gomez’ value changed to 0.5m for Young Boys
Rudiger in defence for Young Boys for 15m
Clyne to Tottenham Network Solutions for 3m – NOT UPHELD
FCT defence: Mee 4m, Mina 0.5m, Clyne 3m, Zabaleta 0.5m
FCT midfield: Gundog 3m, Meyer (Palace) 0.5m, Elyounoussi 0.5m, Ozil 21m
FCT strikers: Ihenacho 0.5m, Lukaku 41m
Eriksen to Don’t Know Yet for 29m.
Reopening bid for Aubameyang – NOT UPHELD
Duplicate Robertson to be removed from Reds
Treasurer signs Matt Doherty (DF, WLV) and Deulofeu for 0.5m each
Sporting Lesbians sign Chilwell for 3m
Piss Poor sign Lingard for 19m
Fadges sign Aurier for 0.5m rather than 2m
Craven Cottaging sign Mane for 29m and Alli for 25m
Dulwich Red Sox sign Ashley Young for 5m
Dulwich Red Sox sign Aaron Ramsey for 6m
Ross Barkley now a free agent (previously for Dulwich Red Sox)
Newington Reds sign Kenedy for 0.5m
Newington Reds sign Glenn Murray for 0.5m
Newington Reds sign Andre Gray for 0.5m
Treasurer signs Willian for 0.5m
Treasurer signs Lucas Perez for 0.5m

Kenna League – week 2

Full scores available from The Rub.

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Second transfer window – February 2019

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Second transfer window – February 2019

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Second transfer window – February 2019

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Second transfer window – February 2019

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Kenna table week 4

Kenna table week 3

Second transfer window – February 2019

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

First transfer window – October 2018

Auction XI

Kenna League – week 2

Kenna League – week 1