The Jeff Kenna League – Page 22 – The world's leading London pub-based fantasy football league

Kenna League tells Pirates manager he must give his players pillage even when they lose

THE only Somali manager in a London-pub based fantasy football league says he ‘reserves the right’ to share the spoils of pillage from the high seas after the Kenna League questioned the arrangement.

The Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager said he gives the team ‘some booty or the like’ if they win, otherwise they’ve got to plunder their own loot.

The Kenna League has ‘demanded an explanation’ from The Pirates manager since the package isn’t part of the standard player contract.

“Sometimes when we win I’ll give the lads a bottle o’ rum and some gold doubloons. If they lose they’ve got to buy their own rocket-propelled grenades, get on a skiff and put to sea,” said the ISIL manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

“Now I’ve received a letter from Kenna League blazers asking why I don’t share treasure with the crew when we lose.

“We’ve just been knocked out the Krakow Cup and instead of turning my attentions to keeping us out of the relegation zone I’ve now got to kidnap eleven tourists for my players to ransom.”

Krakow Cup – quarter final second leg results

Walthamstow Reds 40 (69) – 15 (35) Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 16 (40) – 19 (43) Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 23 (57) – 27 (65) Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 16 (39) – 22 (51) Don’t Know Yet

Semi finals first leg – 24 April

Walthamstow Reds v Pikey Scum
WNS v Don’t Know Yet

Kenna League – week 31

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 31 - 10 April 2018 — Kenna week 31 – 10 April 2018

Scum double hangs in the balance

Kenna League leaders Pikey Scum were held to a draw in their Krakow Cup quarter final first leg by last season’s title winners Thieving Magpies.

The 24-point apiece encounter means Scum will be looking for Harry Kane and Marcus Rashford to rediscover the form that has put the club top of the table for most of season and kept them in with a chance of a second domestic cup for the manager.

Just three weeks ago, Scum were enjoying a 59-point gap over the pack and waltzing past the hapless Sleptember XI in the last sixteen of the cup.

A stellar string of performances from Raheem Sterling and Jamie Vardy – which will surely dry up the second they both touch down in Russia – has seen second-placed Two Goals One Cup cut the lead to 35 points.

To determine if any manager has thrown away such a cushion in the last seven weeks of the season would take statistical analysis beyond the capacity to tear oneself away from tonight’s Anfield abattoir.

Nevertheless, it feels like it would be an unprecedented circumstance for Pikey Scum to lose the title from here.

The double, however, hangs on this weekend’s cup clash with Thieving Magpies.

Krakow Cup – quarter final first leg results

Walthamstow Reds 29 – 20 Young Boys
Thieving Magpies 24 – 24 Pikey Scum
Piss Poor 34 – 38 Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate 23 – 29 Don’t Know Yet

Second leg to be played 10 April

Kenna League – week 30

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 30 - 2 April 2018 — Kenna week 30 – 2 April 2018

The nerve

British security services have been placed on high alert after military-grade nerve agent was found in preparations for the Dmitri Kharine Russia World Cup auction.

The incident happened at the Fiddlers Harris training facility of Kenna League outfit Young Boys of Vauxhall. The club manager, and Kenna vice chairman, is ‘organising’ the June auction.

Several people in and around Fiddlers Harris were treated by paramedics. Emergency services are yet to confirm which of those was affected by the nerve agent and which were people thrown out of Vauxhall clubs with a barbiturates overdose.

The Young Boys manager was taken to hospital as a precaution. Initially doctors thought exposure to the toxic substance had left the manager with curious psychological side effects, but club officials confirmed he’d always been like that.

The attack has sparked a diplomatic row between the UK and Russia with diplomats expelled from both countries. Nevertheless, Number 10 and the Kremlin released a joint statement expressing relief the Dmitri Kharine auction is still set to go ahead.

Said to be planned for Tuesday 12 June, the Kharine auction will be the earliest in the working week since the Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction six years ago.

On that occasion in 2012 the Pirate resigned, tactical Brambling was born and managers almost came to blows.

Krakow Cup last 16 – second leg (last week)

AJFC 35 (74) – 44 (101) Walthamstow Reds
Bala Rinas 28 (32) – 24 (48) Young Boys
Lokomotiv Leeds 16 (55) – 25 (57) Thieving Magpies
Sleptember XI 18 (39) – 41 (76) Pikey Scum

Piss Poor 24 (54) – 18 (46) JPF
Dynamo Charlton 35 (62) – 37 (65) Wandsworth Network Solutions
Don’t Know Yet 35 (52) – 30 (64) The Pirate
No Fiesta without Iniesta 20 (59) – 34 (63) Burqini Pool Party

Quarter final fixtures – first leg on 2 April

Walthamstow Reds v Young Boys
Thieving Magpies v Pikey Scum
Piss Poor v Wandsworth Network Solutions
The Pirate v Don’t Know Yet

Kenna table – week 29

Kenna week 29 - 20 March 2018 — Kenna week 29 – 20 March 2018

Kenna table – week 28

Kenna week 28 - 13 March 2018 — Kenna week 28 – 13 March 2018

Football ponders ‘ghost’ cup draw

MYSTERY surrounds the Krakow Cup knockout draw. No one saw it.

First leg results of the round of last 16 were published today, but no Kenna League manager remembers seeing the draw made when the usual custom is for three people, sometimes four, to watch the draw live on social media.

Kenna HQ remains tightlipped about how the teams were chosen to play each other.

Pikey Scum kept their chances of a double open with a strong showing over the struggling Sleptember XI.

Defender Lewis Dunk took his goal/own goal tally up to -3 to extend Scum’s lead in the league over Two Goals One Cup in second, closely followed by Lokomotiv Leeds in third.

Krakow Cup last 16 – first leg

AJFC 39 – 57 Walthamstow Reds
Bala Rinas 4 – 24 Young Boys
Lokomotiv Leeds 39 – 32 Thieving Magpies
Sleptember XI 21 – 36 Pikey Scum

Piss Poor 30 – 28 JPF
Dynamo Charlton 27 – 28 Wandsworth Network Solutions
Don’t Know Yet 27 – 34 The Pirate
No Fiesta without Iniesta 39 – 29 Burqini Pool Party

Kenna week 27

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 26

‘Matthew Falder blackmailed me into a Bramble’

A former Kenna League manager has claimed the notorious ‘dark web paedophile’ Matthew Falder forced him to sign the footballers who went on to derail his season.

Cambridge graduate Falder (pictured) was sentenced yesterday to 32 years in prison for manipulating dozens of victims online into performing humiliating and unspeakable acts.

The ex-Sleptember XI manager says Falder blackmailed him into signing the likes of Joe Hart, Marcus Rojo and Diego Costa at the Kenna League August auction.

He also claims Falder made him buy an illegal player to trigger the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and start the campaign with Stan Collymore in attack.

Falder gained blackmail material after approaching the manager on the dark web under false pretences on the dark web.

According to the manager, he was duped into thinking Falder was a representative of Kenna HQ collecting information for the league’s private medical insurance scheme, and emailed nude photographs of himself as evidence of his hardihood.

“It was a living nightmare, and now I’ve seen all these other victims he’s abused I know it must have been him who was behind it. It explains so much,” said the ex-Sleptember manager in a press conference at his local Wetherspoon’s.

“I was at the summer auction watching rivals sign Harry Kane and Roberto Firmino, and Falder was messaging me saying ‘sign Fernando Llorente for at least £10m or I’ll post *those* photos on your club’s fan forum’.”

The manager bought Llorente for £14m and blames Falder for the huge loss he went on to make at the October transfer window when Sporting Lesbian snapped up the Spaniard for £0.5m.

Sleptember XI, 21st in the league at the time, sacked the manager shortly afterwards, installing Stan Collymore as interim.

The club is still 21st in the league.

In response to the claims, a statement from Kenna HQ read: “Opting in to the Kenna League private medical insurance scheme has never been easier. Just email your documents and supporting evidence to the manager experiences department.”

Krakow Cup – knockout fixtures

Draw to be broadcast live this weekend. Probably from a snooker club.

Last 16
First leg – 6 March
Second leg – 12 March

Quarter finals
First leg – 2 April
Second leg – 10 April

Semi finals
First leg – 24 April
Second leg – 1 May

Final
15 May

Kenna table – week 24

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 24 - 13 February 2018 — Kenna week 24 – 13 February 2018

Kenna table – week 25

Kenna week 25 - 20 February 2018 — Kenna week 25 – 20 February 2018

Press release: Kenna League appoints Van Hauwermeiren as new charity director

Kenna HQ, London, 11 February 2018 – The Kenna League, the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league, has appointed Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the league’s charity arm, the Kenna Foundation.

Van Hauwermerien, 68, brings experience from the charity sector having worked for such prestigious organisations as Oxfam and Action Against Hunger, providing humanitarian aid to the globe’s most exploited regions .

As director of the Kenna Foundation, Van Hauwermieren will be responsible for the charity’s work bringing substance misuse support to washed-up fantasy football managers.

The Kenna chairman said: “We’re delighted to appoint Roland Van Hauwermeiren as director of the Kenna Foundation. Roland has a wealth of experience bringing succour to some of the world’s most exploited people.

“Whether people are displaced in Chad or recovering from an earthquake in Haiti, Roland has been right there on the frontline getting relief, day-in day-out. It seems his colleagues never had a bad word to say about him.

“He’s full of ideas and has already suggested setting up Kenna Foundation projects in Colombia, Ukraine and Thailand.

“Once we go through the small formality of getting his references checked, Roland will immediately begin work in a remote villa in a developing country.”

Kenna table – week 23

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 23 - 6 February 2018 — Kenna week 23 – 6 February 2018

All-male fantasy football managers ‘grope’ their way through transfer night

PRESSURE groups are calling for a London fantasy football league to be discontinued because the all-male managers ‘grope’ their way through boozy evenings in the pub.

The shocking allegations were revealed in an undercover sting by a Financial Times journalist who infiltrated the Kenna League auction in August last year.

‘This secretive and alcohol-fuelled group of men make out they’re football experts but in reality they’re just groping their way through the evening,’ said the reporter.

‘In one instance at the August auction I witnessed a manager buy Diego Costa at auction at least a week after the striker had moved to Atletico Madrid.

‘The manager was quite clearly fingering his way around in the dark but the rest of the league, all men, either because they were drunk or wanted the manager to fail, or both probably, waited until the hammer came down and then burst out laughing.

‘It was a disgusting.’

Grainy footage at the auction showed how one manager became so drunk he bought a second Chelsea player and lost Alvaro Morata under the Titus Bramble ruling.

‘He stalked off and played with his phone for a bit while everyone else jeered like animals.’

Following the reports, lobby groups are campaigning for this Friday’s Kenna transfer window to be called off.

‘Think of all the members who’ll be fondled and molested by these reckless and unrepentant Kenna managers drunk on Spanish-branded lager and the moody bottle of schnapps the league chairman plans to bring to the transfer evening,’ said a spokesperson for the Professional Footballers’ Association.

Kenna HQ is putting out an implacable front and insists the transfer window will go ahead as planned.

‘Managers have until midday on Thursday to send their released players to the Kenna, and bidding will begin in earnest at 7pm on Friday,’ said the chairman in a press conference held outside the Holborn Whippet at lunchtime.

‘We have nothing to fear. Our league will bear as much scrutiny as Glenn Murray’s…erm…accounts.’

Kenna table week 22

Full scores available from The Rub.

Mkhitaryan, Lacazette, Morata and Barkley all Bramble tied

TWO Kenna League managers find themselves with a tough decision to make ahead of Thursday’s midday transfer deadline.

Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Ross Barkley both made high-profile moves south mean Sporting Lesbian and Piss Poor respectively are both Bramble tied.

Sitting sixth in the table, Sporting Lesbian must now decide between releasing the Armenian midfielder or striker Alexandre Lacazette. Releasing either player could significantly add to the manager’s war chest of £10m.

Meanwhile the Piss Poor manager has make the choice between Ross Barkley and Alvaro Morata.

Piss Poor signed Morata in extraordinary circumstances in the August auction, and it’s thought he’ll stick with the Spaniard over the out of form Barkley.

The Piss Poor manager could be in the market for Mkhitaryan or Lacazette now his star player Alexis Sanchez has moved north.

Managers have until midday on Thursday (1 February) to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ.

The window will open at 7pm this Friday (2 February) in the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Kenna table week 21

Facades

DARK times at Kenna HQ.

Having failed to publish an update for three weeks, the chairman is under increasing pressure in the corridors of power.

What’s led to the hold up? Why have the Krakow Cup scores only been shared now six teams are eliminated?

Answers are unclear. Charts and graphs have sent weekly updates to the executive. The chairman has certainly been seen in the committee rooms and coffee bars of Jeff House, albeit with a bleak expression, a face like Barry Bennell turning up at the Speed family Christmas.

Whispers around Kenna HQ say perhaps the league has run out of things to say. The league has reached its nadir.

Others say they overheard the chairman – who it must be remembered built his team around Dele Alli – weeping in the executive toilet. Someone reckons they caught him staring into the middle distance with a cup of camomile tea.

Many hope this is just a temporary blip.

They know the chairman’s cocktail cabinet remains locked until the transfer window.

Send your released players to Kenna HQ by midday on Thursday 1 February. Transfer window hammer down at 7pm on Friday 2 February in the Hoop & Grapes, Farringdon Road.

Full scores available from The Rub.