Season preview in one sentence (on 26 September): It’s not about glory, it’s about how many sex tapes Tom Hopper can knock out before relegation closes in.
Bala Rinas made a clear statement in the early Kenna stakes with a brace from Graziano Pelle this week.
They were Pelle’s third and fourth goals this season. Not bad for someone who had all the hallmarks of a one-season wonder last year.
The lanky Italian and his lank hair were part of the phenomenon on the south coast which took everyone by surprise. Surely, no one thought it could continue, but either the Bala Rinas manager or his auction second had other ideas and the £15m investment is already paying dividends.
The Sporting Lesbian manager paid just £3m for the striker last summer when he was an unknown import. Quite whether Pelle will go on to replicate the form that saw him pick up 169 points and help Sporting Lesbian win the league is anyone’s guess and the treasurer’s hope.
It’s not the first time Sporting Lesbian have plucked a star from obscurity. In summer 2012, the manager snaffled Michu for just £2.5m.
Like Pelle last season, the Spaniard picked up 169 points and helped Sporting to the title. Spooky.
Michu could not keep it up. The following season he picked up just two goals and a handful of appearance points before disappearing from these shores altogether. It all made the Headless Chickens manager’s £27m auction transaction look a little foolish.
To find another such example of one-season wonder one must go back to the 2007-08 Kenna campaign.
Vasco De Beauvoir, the Kenna chairman‘s team, signed Roque Santa Cruz for £12m in the first transfer window, back then held in mid November.
It was a welcome change for the manager, who through some error of judgement at the auction fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling. Vasco played the first three months of the campaign with Lee Dong Gook in attack.
The Korean striker’s contribution was more than eclipsed by the Paraguayan’s. Roque went on to score 145 points for Vasco and was instrumental in the chairman picking up December’s manager of the month award.
Vasco finished seventh that May, which three months later was enough evidence for manager of Matty Taylor’s Titans (now in charge of Young Boys) to fork out £10m for Santa Cruz.
Partnered alongside Afonso Alves in attack, Roque didn’t last beyond the November window where he was released in favour of a £35m Robinho. Titans won the Canestan Combi Cup and finished third in the league.
So what’s the moral of the story?
When you release your Dong make sure it’s into the jaws of obscurity, rather than those of dead pig.
It’s too early in the season to be drawing any conclusions from the Kenna League table, despite the bluster of the Young Boys manager.
Tweeting on the weekend he proclaimed himself ‘The Special One’, and while there’s no doubting he shares similar concerns of Pedro’s injury and John Terry’s decline to the Portuguese sneer, so bold a statement after a handful of of games will end up making him look ridiculous. Admittedly, that wouldn’t be hard.
So soon in the campaign, the keen follower or casual observer of the Kenna is drawn towards a manager’s misfortune, rather than his team’s overperformance before the vagaries of form and injury take their toll.
Managers take brave, but mostly foolish, decisions at the auction, only to come unstuck after a few games.
Berahino broke into the England squad last year, although that’s more due to a dearth of Three Lions strikers in the post-Owen era than any great shakes on the young striker. However, he still showed promise last term.
Now he shows promiscuity, his head turned by the swill of money and agents. Although anyone who’s visited Smethwick surely wouldn’t blame him if he was looking to improve his quality of life.
While Berahino gets all the laughs, Karim Benzema is the ultimate straight man, mainly because he’s not even there.
The exasperation of the Fadges boss over his forwards can only be matched by nonplussed bemusement of the French striker’s social media manager as Internet monitoring reports flood in of Karim’s move to London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.
Kenna table – week I’m flying to Barcelona in 10 minutes and don’t care
Season preview in one sentence (on 13 September): Rosicky, Carroll, Phil Jones: one expects this is the last time the manager misses the auction.
Butland, J
STO
£6m
Ward, J
CRY
£4m
Francis, S
BOU
£1m
Nyom, A (TW1)
WAT
£0.5m
Simpson, D (TW2)
LEI
£?m
Khazri, W (TW2)
SUN
£?m
Doumbla, S (TW2)
NEW
£?m
Ward-Prowse, J
SOT
£0.5m
Dembele, M (TW2)
TOT
£?m
Niasse, O (TW2)
EVE
£?m
Paloschi, A (TW2)
SWA
£?m
£?m
First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015
In
Nyom, A – Watford defender – £0.5m
Morrison, J – West Brom midfielder – £8m
Dyer, N – Leicester midfielder – £0.5m
Heung-Min, S – Tottenham striker – £14m
Out Fuchs, C – Leicester defender – free Can, E – Liverpool midfielder – free Rosicky, T – Arsenal midfielder – free Remy, L – Chelsea striker – free
In
Simpson, D – Leicester defender –
Khazri, W – Sunderland midfielder –
Doumbla, S – Newcastle midfielder –
Dembele, M – Tottenham midfielder –
Niasse, O – Everton striker –
Paloschi, A – Swansea striker –
Out Jones, P – Manchester United defender – free Morrison, J – West Brom midfielder – free Dyer, N – Leicester midfielder – free De Bruyne, K – Manchester City midfielder – free Carroll, A – West Ham striker – free Heung-Min, S – Tottenham striker – free
THE Bala Rinas manager has been arrested on suspicion of sabotaging the David De Gea deal.
Wearing black balaclava, action jacket, combat trousers and toy night vision goggles, the Bala Rinas manager, who is also Kenna League treasurer, was stopped by security trying to sneak out of Fifa’s Zurich HQ with a pair of wire cutters.
Twenty minutes of interrogation and fondue in a Swiss police station were enough to break down the Bala manager, who admitted to subverting the deal in an attempt to keep the Spanish goalkeeper in with a chance of Kenna appearances.
The treasurer remains in cantonal police custody, where he was informed of his rights and his defender Jolean Lescott’s move from West Brom to Aston Villa.
The Walthamstow Reds boss was left light up top as a transfer failed to materialise for speculative auction signing Charlie Austin.
Reds must scrape through to the October window with just Bojan in attack, who is yet to enter the field of play this season. It’s unlikely the manager will recuperate the £13m paid for Austin. Or indeed the £2m for Bojan.
Elsewhere, Just Put Carles are now without the services of American midfielder Bradley Johnson.
The only winners this August were the Young Boys manager, whose canny snaffling of Pedro helped the side to second in the table, and the Dynamo Charlton manager who collects the campaign’s first Manager of the Month award.
Season preview in one sentence (on 31 August): This was a good team last term.
Schmeichel, K (TW1)
LEI
£0.5m
Targett, M (TW2)
SOT
£?m
Cresswell, A
WHM
£5m
Stones, J
EVE
£6m
Darmian, M
MUN
£7m
Coutinho, P
LIV
£23m
Brady, R (TW1)
NOR
£6m
Townsend, A (TW2)
NEW
£?m
Ozil, M
ARS
£17m
Walters, J (TW1)
STO
£0.5m
Defoe, J (TW2)
SUN
£?m
£?m
First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015
In
Schmeichel, K – Leicester goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Northern Monkeys)
Brady, R – Norwich midfielder – £6m
Montero, J – Swansea midfielder – £0.5m
Walters, J – Stoke striker – £0.5m
Murray, G – Bournemouth striker – £0.5m
Out Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (to FC Testiculadew) Anya, I – Watford midfielder – free Nasri, S – Manchester City midfielder – free Bojan – Stoke striker – £2m (to FC Testiculadew) Austin, C – QPR striker – free
Season preview in one sentence (on 30 August): Strong start to the league season from the cup specialist, who yet again prepares for the October transfer window with the largest war chest.
