On the eastern edge of the Andaman Sea, a tropical island sustains one of earth’s most fascinating species.
The local population is supplemented each winter by visitors from the northern hemisphere. A small group of these migrants are male and female couples, sometimes accompanied by infant offspring, but they are far outnumbered by their fellow Europeans: the Bridget Jones.
Occasionally roaming the island in pairs or groups of four, the Bridget Jones is more commonly found in threes.
Whether in public feeding areas or basking in the afternoon sun on a sandy coastline, these trios are instantly recognisable by their sensible tanning practices and somber social interaction.
It is thought their downturned demeanour stems from having reached the twilight of their prime with a catalogue of failed attempts at mating both in their domestic habitat and their travels.
Available male migrants on the island are deemed unsuitable by the Bridget Jones. Older, overweight and observed to be operating alone, the male appears wholly interested by members of the local populous considered far too young to be socially acceptable in their home environment.
Even deep into happy hour, spirits among the groups of Bridget Jones appear unnaturally low despite the warm climate and their lean physique.
EXCITEMENT coursed through her body as he closed the door.
She turned in the middle of the room to face him. The skin felt taut against her clothes as the goosebumps swept over her. This was going to be it.
The evening had been a slow, lovely, enchanting build up to this point. He’d taken her to an expensive bar where they sipped champagne and talked about her day and her life. As boring as she thought it was, his interest had made it so exhilerating. At one time he gently touched her hand when telling a joke and her stomach turned a somersault. It took every effort to maintain composure.
Afterwards they went to an Italian restaurant where the chicken had tasted so different to Nandos. As she ate she eyed him coquettishly while he quietly looked back. His eyes were as tender as the chicken and it was soon afterwards, between the main course and the banana split, she had felt her body, felt her soul, give over to him.
Now in the room her senses heightened as he bent forward to kiss her on the lips. A warm, fluttering feeling began to swirl deep inside her. She thought she was going to faint.
Their kissing became longer and more instense. His hands took her by the hips and pushed up the flimsy dress bit by bit. No one had ever touched her like this before. So firm. So gentle. She put her hands around his neck and let his tongue explore her mouth before moving his head back to help the dress over her head. She stood in nothing but black underwear and high heels. The air of the room tingled against her naked flesh. Her eyes were wide with anticipation.
“Take off your bra,” he commanded. It had been the first thing he said since leaving the restaurant. His voice was brusque and edgy, but by now she trusted him completely. She quivered before reaching behind her back and feeling for the clip. His eyes widened as the material came away to reveal her hard, throbbing…..
All of sudden there was a loud knocking at the door. His head snapped around and he tensed. When someone the other side shouted his name over and over again, his shoulders relaxed in recognition.
He motioned to her to hide in the bathroom. Once she closed the door she heard him let the stranger into the room. The newcomer whispered in harsh tones before both their voices raised. There was a short commotion before the bathroom door was flung open to reveal a tall man of fair complexion. She felt so small and cheap. She wanted to cry. The intruder examined her briefly before turning to her date.
“For God’s sake, Adam,” hissed the ginger. “Get her dressed and get her in a taxi home. We’ve got a Canesten Combi Cup fixture this week.”
MANAGERS have come out in universal admiration of the Kenna chairman’s probity after he admitted to an error that lost him star striker Sergio Aguero, according to the chairman.
The Young Boys manager was an unlikely candidate to lead the praise.
“He phoned the day after the announcement to personally congratulate me on my integrity,” said the chairman. “It was nice of him to take time out from his busy table tennis schedule in Bangkok.”
Tumbleweed: The KS West Green manager said in a press conference this morning Talbot had the delicate touch he was looking for up front.
FRED ‘The Weatherman’ Talbot has joined KS West Green for the rest of the season after it turned out the manager forfeit Sergio Aguero in last weekend’s transfer window.
The chairman, who manages Klub Sportowej West Green, lost the South American forward after signing defender John Stones and striker Ayoze Peres for a combined fee of £14m last Saturday. It wasn’t discovered until a few days later the side had overspent his remaining budget by £3.5m.
Colourful jumper and man-made waterway fan Talbot was retrospectively drafted into the side as a striker under the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.
This is the second time the chairman has waved cheerio to the Argentine talisman. When manager of Vasco De Beauvoir his side were made to start the 2012 campaign with wayward brawler Leeroy Lita in attack after losing Aguero ‘on a Bramble’ late in the auction.
“Nooooooooooooooooo!” said the chairman from behind a bottle of Red Label this morning. “It’s happened again! I started the window with £10.5m in the war chest and bought [John] Stones for what I thought was a couple of million.
“Somehow I then got locked in a bidding war for [Ayoze] Peres and ended up paying £8m. It wasn’t until charts and graphs sent through the updated teams a couple of days later I spotted I’d paid £6m for Stones. Being a model of integrity for the league I owned up straight away.”
Asked about KS West Green’s new acquisition in attack the chairman was remarkably upbeat.
“Fred’s a very personable guy and has already bonded really well with everyone at the club, particularly the youth team, who have all been to see his telescope. Once his CRB check comes through he’s taking them all up the canal.
“With the morale Talbot brings to the camp, even without Kun we’ll be pushing for a top four finish. I cannot see how things can go wrong.”
Vasco De Beauvoir were relegated from the Kenna League in 2012-13.
CASTING around for a pub for Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, league blazers found a previous auction venue had rebranded.
It was worthy of note only because The Golden Fleece in the City of London, which now belongs to the Metropolitan Pub Company, hosted the August 2012 auction scene of the infamous ‘Bramble Hour’. More of that later.
The Metropolitan Pub Company also runs the Kings Stores, a back street boozer in Spitalfields where managers congregated for Saturday’s second and final window of the Kenna League season.
The pub proved to be an excellent venue, but it wasn’t the interesting range of beers or smart decor that most remarkable. The table service available to the 10 managers gathered was superb.
The man on duty Tumi was attentive and friendly, always on hand to take a drinks order and keeping up with everyone’s individual tabs, all while rendering the same care to other patrons.
Service of this sort was thought to have died with the Victorian era, but the gaggles of passing Jack The Ripper tourists could well have marvelled that like beery conversations between Londoners in narrow thoroughfares outside buzzing pubs, this heritage survives into the 21st Century.
A Kenna tradition in no danger of being scotched is the transfer window turning into a farce after a couple of hours. The steady flow of craft lager did not disappoint.
Just as the summer 2012 auction saw 60 treacherous minutes of managers falling over the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling after a few drinks, Saturday saw two relegation-embroiled sides suffer from all sorts of recklessness.
Going into the window to make a record 10 changes to his side, the Fat Ladies manager even contrived to lose his one remaining player – and only decent one at that – Daniel Sturridge.
After watching the north London derby followed by three hours of transfer activity, the exact events are hazy. Nevertheless, a clear memory remains of the Fat Ladies labouring under the assumption Jonathan Walters was a midfielder, buying one striker too many and ending with a forfeit player.
So called ‘Bramble players’ are chosen as much for their current affairs status as for their inability to add any value to a club. For this window the outgoing members of Rotherham Council and convicted deviant Paul Gadd were being doled out to errant managers.
At the foot of the table, the Hoxton Pirates manager’s last chance of salvation was beached when he ended the night with two northern councillors and the former rock star numbered among his ranks.
Like the quality of the pub itself, the Pirates manager’s protest and the debate to follow therein will live long in the memory of all managers present. Gary Glitter: midfielder or defender?
All new signings will begin scoring from tonight. For a full roundup of the weekend’s scores download The Rub.
They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)
THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.
The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.
“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”
The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.
The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.
There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.
The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.
The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”
The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.
One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.
When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.
Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.
IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.
The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.
Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.
Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.
1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?
The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.
At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.
2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?
Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.
3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?
If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.
4. Who’s got the most money left?
No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.
At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?
Moneybags
Averagebags
Grotbags
Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m
Piedmonte – £26.5m
Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m
St Reatham FC – £20.5m
Fat Ladies – £20.5m
Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M
Bala Rinas – £16m
Just Put Carles – £15m
Headless Chickens – £14.5m
Cowley Casuals – £13.5m
Young Boys – £12m
Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m
Pikey Scum – £10m
Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m
Hoxton Pirates – £7m
Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m
Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m
FC Testiculadew – £2.5m
KS West Green – £0.5m
5. Who are the biggest targets?
Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.
Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.
Defenders Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.
Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.
Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.
Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)
A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.
The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.
Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.
Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.
The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.
“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.
Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.
The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.
Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.
Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.
SHOCK waves reverberated across the Kenna today as the transfer kitty of Switzerland-based St Reatham FC swelled by a mouthwatering 30 percent.
Details of the club’s new-found wealth emerged yesterday lunchtime after the Swiss National Bank abandoned a cap on the country’s currency value against the euro. Before the move it cost the Swiss 1.2 francs to buy one euro, just minutes later that cost fell to 80 cents.
That means St Reatham’s spending power has dramatically increased ahead of February’s transfer window.
A Euro cap
A financial analyst close to the Kenna said: “The club will effectively be getting Black Friday prices on any deal it tries to make, while everyone else will still be paying top whack.”
Speaking from his Alpine retreat, the manager of St Reatham FC, who is still wanted by police following an incident on Chobham Common in April 2013, declared: “It’s a rich man’s game and I’m rich. Filthy rich. Filthy.”
In a hastily-convened press conference the Kenna chairman denied being caught out by the ebb and flow of the global money markets: “We’ve had our top boys on this one for a few days now crunching the numbers and I’m confident that transfer budgets will not be affected by this Swiss decoupling. Who uses bloody euros anyway? The Kenna is a fine British institution.”
