The Jeff Kenna League

THE Kenna League chairman has hit out at Sicilian authorities after having his passport stolen near Catania on Saturday.

Stripped of his ability to return to the UK as scheduled that evening, the chairman was forced to spend the next two days making his way to the British Embassy in Rome to get the required emergency documentation.

The incident happened when the chairman stopped off on the way to the airport to collect vital supplies.

As he browsed the isles of olive oil, wine, coffee and parmesan cheese, ruthless – yet admittedly, well-organised – thieves jimmied the lock on the chairman’s hire car making off with a suitcase full of clothes and a bag of valuables, including his passport and laptop.

“I lay the blame squarely at the feet of the Sicilian police and in particular that phony, Inspector Montalbano,” reasoned the chairman.

“You always see him on television darting around in that old Fiat Tipo making out like he’s in touch with the everyday people, but he’s obviously only interested in murder and long lunch breaks. When it comes to good, old-fashioned community policing this incident proves he’s come up short.”

Without a UK passport, the chairman was advised that only British consulates in Milan and Rome could provide the necessary assistance. He would also have to wait to until office hours on Monday morning to make an appointment.

Unfortunately, air traffic control strikes in Italy on Saturday meant all flights to Rome and Milan were booked up for the next three days.

Grounded until an available seat to Naples 24 hours later, the newlywed chairman unwillingly spent the night alone in a Catania youth hostel, living on a strict diet of fresh swordfish and repelling the drunken advances of exotic young women bent on testing his marriage vows to the limit.

“The whole incident has been incredibly stressful and has impacted on my duties running the league,” said the chairman from a trattoria in Rome yesterday afternoon, between mouthfuls pizza and local wine.

“Thank God it took place during an international break.”

10 things the chairman learned from getting his passport swiped in Sicily

1. Never get smug you’ll return the hire car without a ding until you’ve handed it back.
2. The security guy in the shopping mall car park is probably in on it.
3. To avoid future discomfort when buying emergency pants on an Italian street market, add an ‘X’ to your normal size.
4. A Mediterranean youth hostel is no place for a married man of 34.
5. Even in the usually drab confines of an airport departure lounge, the view at Catania Fontanarossa is never far from pleasant.
6. When you’ve been the victim of crime the last place you really want to fly into at 11pm on a Sunday night is somewhere with a reputation like Naples.
7. If you’re carrying three bottles of olive oil in your bag for a two-day trip through southern Italy one of them will break and begin to leak everywhere, probably from the overhead storage during a train journey.
8. The guy in the queue at the consulate who says ‘it’s ridiculous, it’s obvious we’re British’ one too many times is most likely to be the spy.
9. Walking around the sites of ancient Rome for three hours in cheap flip flops may result in blisters.
10. No matter how many you drink, espresso macchiato in Italy is always a pleasure.

Kenna table (from last week)