Sink or swim: The St Reatham FC gaffer’s hands off management approach has come under fire
PLAYERS and fans of St Reatham FC have been left stunned following news that the team boss has jetted away for a luxury break, just days before the Kenna League football season gets under way.
In what is being described as a ‘typical, career-defining PR gaffe’, the St Reatham manager has spent the past few days on the Amalfi coast, posting pictures on Facebook and enjoying the once-popular ‘poke’ function rather than concentrating on important on-field issues.
It’s understood that tactics for the coming campaign have yet to be discussed and training sessions have been cancelled.
This latest blunder follows bizarre claims that he preferred to join Saturday’s Kenna auction via video link from Switzerland because “it’s more befitting for a man of my status.”
In a statement released by the PR machine he co-owns, he said simply: “I’ve got Mata.”
Out of his depth: David Nugent floundered during his previous spell in the Kenna (photo: Liverpool Pics)
ANGRY fans have turned on the Hairy Fadjeetas boss before a ball has even been kicked in this season’s Kenna campaign.
Within hours of an auction ‘shambles’ that saw the Fadjeetas commit just £68 million of a £100 million transfer kitty, serious questions are being asked at Bikini Lane.
Particular venom has been reserved for the outfit’s new strike partnership of Glenn Murray and David Nugent.
Murray is unproven at the highest level in English football, while Nugent proved awful during his last stint in Kenna in 2007.
Cunny Lingus, general secretary of the Fans of Fadge supporter’s group, said: “There’s a real sense of frustration with the club after a rather insipid auction performance – particularly as we don’t have a strike force. Talk about cows’ arses and banjos, it’s a shambles.”
@jeffkennaleague Goals and creativity in midfield: The Ox, Rodwell, Barkley, Hazard. Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.
But hitting back on social media the Fadjeetas chief was quick to defend his tactics. “Goals and creativity in midfield,” he tweeted. “Hazard, The Ox, Rodwell and Barkley.” And in a not-so-veiled reference to last season’s lack of cutting edge: “Murray and Nugent better than Soldado and Hernandez.”
The City’s money men have also leapt to defend the tightening of purse strings with a source declaring: “He’s got Hazard for £23 million, that’s the cheapest he’s ever signed for and a real bargain. And there’s surely more goals up front than last year at a fraction of the cost.”
Hammered: The gavel seen in this picture went missing hours later, along with other auction paraphernalia
KENNA HQ has put out an urgent lost property alert across London after a black taxi disappeared with items essential to the league on Saturday night.
The Bramble Jersey, auction hammer and literally the keys to Kenna HQ among the effects lost following an unusual chain of events on Regent Street at around 11pm.
The chairman and two Kenna managers were making their way from the pre-season fantasy football auction at The Carpenter’s Arms in Marylebone to meet other league members for a debrief at the Empire Casino in Leicester Square.
Disembarking from a London black taxi to retrieve fare payment from a cash machine, the chairman’s party were stunned to find upon return that the cabbie had ‘done one’.
The joy of realising they had skipped a £15 fare was soon overtaken by anxiety when the chairman revealed all the Kenna auction equipment was still in the taxi.
“It was most singular,” the chairman told the Transport for London lost property office this morning. “There was a black bag containing an old HP laptop, a Wigan Athletic Titus Bramble shirt and the keys to Kenna HQ, as well as a wooden wine box holding an Alpine cow bell, a bicycle horn and two decks of pornographic playing cards.
“Aside from the playing cards, these items are of little value to anyone but absolutely essential to the smooth running of the Kenna League auction.”
The incident marred what had otherwise been a great day in celebration of the Kenna’s 10th anniversary auction.
A total of 17 managers battled through a Free Palestine rally to take part in proceedings in the upstairs room of a most welcoming pub The Carpenter’s Arms, with one manager linked live via Skype from Switzerland.
Managers toasted the future success of the league with champagne donated by the FC Testiculadew manager using the winnings from his recent Emerson World Cup win, before the auction started just after 3pm.
For the first time in years, no manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling, although the Greendale Rockets boss came close after being caught in a bid for a second Chelsea player.
All eyes now turn to the coming Saturday, where managers will find out just how ill-judged their auction purchases were.
Final teams will be published over the coming days.
The chairman issued a message to the hasty cabby: “Thanks for the free ride but please hand in these items to the proper authorities immediately, if you haven’t already done so.
“Keep a few of the playing cards for your own delectation if desired, we don’t use these for the auction any more.”
AUGUST is here, which for sports fans both sides of the Atlantic Ocean means it’s time to start preparing for the fantasy football season.
Whether it’s English Premier League, National Football League, association football, American football, soccer, footy or gridiron, the auction – or auction draft as our cousins across the Pond call it – is by far the best way for your league to pick teams – or rosters.
This Saturday (9 August) the Kenna League will hold it’s 10th anniversary auction. Since 2005 the Kenna has held nine Premier League, three World Cup and two Euros auctions, along the way looking to improve the overall experience of what can be a gruelling test for managers, but an even bigger one for organisers.
As more and more fantasy football disciples discover this ultimate format of selecting a team, it seems an ideal time to share our top 10 tips for running a fantasy football auction which will hopefully prove useful whether you’re a dilettante commissioner or veteran chairman.
1. Choose a good venue
Cornerstone: On Saturday the Carpenter’s Arms will become the 17th London pub to host a Kenna event (photo: Bob Walker)
Atmosphere is everything. An environment where managers can focus on the auction for a few hours without distraction is the key. Avoid online auctions at all costs, you want to see the pain on the opposition’s face when they lose out on a target.
Only cricket’s Indian Premier League can shell out to hire an exclusive hotel’s conference room for an auction (and they look dull anyway). YouTube evidence suggests our American cousins find a cheaper option to be someone’s house or garage, but the Kenna League is based in London, a city where flats are small and only Russian oligarchs or Arabian oil sheikhs can afford covered parking.
For the Kenna League there is only one place for an auction, and that’s where the league was born: the pub. Central London has thousands of boozers with function rooms that do just the job, providing a convenient travelling distance for managers across the capital and, crucially, easy access to a licensed bar.
Alcohol is a must. All the better if manager’s can order drinks at the bar while participating in a bid. Shots bring an added dimension and can lead to controversy, but if there’s one thing football supporters love it’s controversy.
Compared to our American counterparts, who appear to set limits up to $200 (£118) for each team, the Kenna is the poor relation. League entry cost just £25 ($42). For some reason in English slang this monetary value is known as ‘a pony’.
Uncle Sam may dismiss this value as trifling, but the advantage of a lower cost is that managers are more likely to enjoy the auction, rather than see it as some sort of medium-term investment opportunity. If you want a meeting with your bank manager about risk averse investment, he’ll tell you to stay away from football. Do yourself a favour and stay away from fantasy football auctions too.
For the Kenna entry fee of a pony, managers receive as assumed £100m budget to buy 11 players, which is more in keeping with the prices footballers fetch in real life.
Those still dismissing the paltry entrance fee must also consider that during the Emerson World Cup auction in June, 16 managers racked up a bar bill of £500 ($845).
3. Set one formation and a player quota
Blank canvas: Each Kenna manager must adhere to the classic, some-might-say out-dated 4-4-2 formation (photo: Alex Hempworth-Smith)
Every manager should be aware from the outset of what formation of players they need to complete their team. In the US, it can be the 2RB-3WR system with it’s quota of quarterbacks, running backs, wide receivers, tight ends etc.
For the Kenna it’s the classic 4-4-2: one goalkeeper, four defenders, four midfielders and two strikers. Ideally, the ratio should tally with the number of players in that position on the player list.
The Kenna has found an entertaining recipe for an auction to be the one-player-per-club quota, so managers may only have one player from Chelsea, one from Manchester United etc. It means competitors must think hard about who they want from each Premier League club, which can make life extremely difficult (see ‘7. Forfeits’ below).
4. Assign roles and rotate them
Entertainer: The auctioneer must add to the atmosphere (photo: peculiarhand)
The Kenna is lucky enough to have a professional auctioneer in its ranks, but even he could not keep the pace needed to host an engaging commentary for five hours. He also looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, which some people find unsettling when forced to see him for prolonged periods.
Pick anything from three semi-competent managers to take it in turns with the hammer. Likewise, select three or more managers to take it in turns recording sales on a central list or spreadsheet. Rotation means managers will be more engaged in proceedings.
5. Robust admin
Mugged off: Auction organisers not properly recording sales could find themselves facing difficult questions later the evening (photo: Craig Chew-Moulding)
Our American counterparts appear to prefer projectors or large flip charts to share sales with the room. While efficient in someone’s house or garage, it can be difficult managing these items in the pub.
The Kenna is fortunate enough to have the chaps in charts and graphs. They’ve created an Excel spreadsheet to record signings, flag up if a manager has exceeded their budget or player quota and automatically generate a list of completed sales.
Make sure you’re auction has a steadfast method of chronicling events. It’ll come in handy for those ‘I only paid this much for him’ arguments late in the evening.
6. Auction pace
Quick and easy: A bingo-style player draw is the fastest way to pick lots at an auction (photo: CT Young)
Attention levels must be maintained by running the auction at a brisk speed. Meandering bids and long gaps between lots are dull for everyone. Aim for around 45 players per hour. If you can get through one lot a minute you can reward the league with a cigarette break.
The pace can be sped up by introducing a random player draw instead of the tedious process of managers taking it in turns to pick a player. This Saturday the Kenna auction will see around 270 players go under the hammer. The 200 most desirable Premier League players will be drawn from a hat, meaning all managers will find the next player to be drawn of interest.
7. Forfeits
Shaking hands with a muppet: A good forfeit process will ensure those not bringing their A game get snared (photo: Alex Connock)
The Kenna League is too old and wily to believe that any manager bought an ineligible player by accident, particularly after one manager’s unchivalrous behaviour two years ago. Whether it’s too many players in one position or too many from one club, introduce a forfeit system to punish those either cheating or not paying full attention.
The Kenna introduced the Titus Bramble ruling as a forfeit system. Any manager caught transgressing the rules will immediately have the ineligible player removed and replaced with a bogey player from the Titus Bramble squad – a pre-selected list of footballers of questionable quality.
It would be interesting to hear from our American counterparts who they consider to be the Titus Bramble of their league.
8. Auction paraphernalia
Le Maillot Merde: Three times a year the Bramble Jersey is handed to the manager at the bottom of the table.
A printed player list and a pen are all each manager needs to take part. If everyone’s sitting around with their own laptop for six hours casually browsing the internet then all atmosphere is lost and you may as well be at a miserable great uncle’s wake.
Other items the Kenna has found contribute to surroundings include:
The Bramble Bell – an Alpine cow bell stolen from a bar in a French ski resort which is rung whenever administrators spot a Titus Bramble forfeit
The Horn of Africa – a bicycle horn squeezed when a sale is considered to be of poor value or a manager behaves inappropriately, named after The Horn of Africa manager’s decision to resign mid-auction when things didn’t quite go his way
The Bramble Jersey – a Wigan Athletic shirt allegedly worn by Titus himself which must be put on by the manager in last place in the rankings table at any league gathering.
9. Time limit
Bar billiards: Like the traditional pub game, this year the Kenna auction will have a time limit (photo: Matthew Armendariz)
If you organise an auction after work on a weeknight there’s always a risk the pub will shut before everyone’s had a chance to fill their teams.
If you organise an auction on a Saturday afternoon there’s always a risk some manager’s wife will book theatre tickets for the evening because many ladies, erroneously, consider Lion King On Ice more important than a fantasy football league.
Either way, you can be left in the ball ache of a position of having to retrospectively fill teams by email.
This Saturday the Kenna is looking to combat this administrator’s nightmare by introducing a time limit. The chaps in charts and graphs have come up with an ingenious spreadsheet that will automatically allocate remaining players based on desirability and managers’ remaining budgets.
If you don’t want to find yourself sending out lists of available players while nursing an auction night hangover, it’s suggested you find a similar solution.
10. Transfer windows
Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for last season’s February transfer window.
The Kenna meets twice during the Premier League season (early October and early February) for transfer windows. At these events managers sell their unwanted players at auction, and buy available players at auction.
Spice things up a bit by getting managers to submit their players two days beforehand in unusual ways by offering them bonuses for doing so. In the Kenna, the traditional method of sending in transfers by fax or mail attract the largest bonus. Avoid professional couriers, as some managers can just get these on their work accounts.
Conclusion
These are just a few pointers picked up in pursuit of hosting a great auction. We hope you found these tips useful, or at least enjoyed reading them.
Remember the most essential item in putting on the perfect auction is atmosphere. Picture the scene: it’s two hours in, everyone’s had a couple of drinks, teams are filling up, the mockery is flying, bids are flying, managers are starting to forfeit themselves, bells are ringing and one poor sod is sweating into a polyester football shirt.
In the Kenna that golden time is known as ‘The Bramble Hour’. Find it and managers will come flocking back to your league again and again.
Chicken wing tussle: Houston Dynamo defender Sofi Sarkodie (8) battles it out with Sporting KC striker Soony Saad (22) (photo: Troy Taormina-USA Today sports)
Will America’s left back solve the dynamism deficit at the BBVA Compass Stadium? The Kenna’s MLS correspondent the Team Panda Rules OK manager hopes so.
WHEN World Cup veteran DaMarcus Beasley first lines up in the orange shirt of the Houston Dynamo, he may well wonder why all the energy appears to be being spent off the pitch.
Because if my visit to watch La Naranja is anything to go by, it’s only the fans who are giving the Texas team any spark.
The Dynamo were simply awful in their 2-0 home defeat to Sporting Kansas City – even allowing for the absence of midfield general Brad Davis, who was Brazil-bound with Jurgen et al at the time.
But as bad as the Orange Crush were, their fans were terrific throughout – creating an atmosphere in sharp contrast to the one I found on my previous sojourn to Chicago Fire.
In all there were 18,396 Forever Orange fanatics pumped into the downtown stadium, which is just a short walk from the thoroughly recommended Flying Saucer and El Big Bad bars.
There were drums. A tangerine-faced version of Darth Maul. And at least a hundred Hispanic diehards blissfully unaware that their chants fitted perfectly with the melody of Karma Chameleon.
Well, this Boy George was impressed – and not just because the Dos Equis was flowing for a mere $10 a pop.
The majority of the noise – and it was constant – came from 200-300 standing fans behind one of the goals.
They didn’t let up for a second following the national anthem, and a bizarre pre-match video which saw Dynamo winger Andrew Driver boot a box of cereal and then a Battlefield Earth DVD into the air.
Driver, and his fellow Englishman Giles Barnes, would struggle to displace the chairman from his occasional appearance at Catford Power League on this showing (ouch! – the chairman).
Like the rest of the Dynamo, they were limp as could be, despite the advantage of the early sending off of Kansas midfielder, Antonio Dovale – an event which resulted in one orange-clad fan removing an actual red card from his pocket and waving it at the pitch.
From their rivals, only Seth Sinovic caught the eye – forever foraging down the left in the very realistic hope of finding more erratic Dynamo defending.
The experience of Beasley, who joined this week with Honduran midfielder Luis Garrido, will surely pay dividends both on and off the pitch.
I say off the pitch because the Texans have a very impressive club shop, with prices far more reasonable than their Windy City equivalents.
One expects a few Beasley shirts will be sold over the coming weeks. On this evidence, there aren’t many other names worth choosing from.
Death Star: Even with Alan Dzagoev the Testiculadew Land manager built an impenetrable team
WHEN the dust finally settles on a nail-biting Emerson World Cup in Brazil everyone will be asking themselves the same question: how can he be stopped?
Whether managing domestically in the Kenna League or at international tournaments, whether he’s present at the auction tactical Brambling or calling up remotely on WhatsApp in a tactical no show, even when he signs complete turkeys like Alan Dzagoev or Adel Taarabt, the manager in charge of the Testiculadew franchise cannot stop winning.
Until then a penalty shootout had looked likely. Up would have stepped Sergio Romero, in goal for second-placed Botafogo Pirates FC. Three penalty saves could have taken the booty to Somalia.
In the end the Testicualdew Land victory was inevitable. Daley Blind had already scored a goal in the third place play off, and a typically tight World Cup final played right into his hands.
Not even the abstract Emerson Unfair Play award was far away from the Testiculadew manager’s grasp. In theory his side could have picked up a red and yellow card in the final, lifted the inaugural award and still won the tournament.
As it is, Los Rojos almost lived up to their name with a single sending off for Claudio Marchisio and six cautions.
Burn out is a familiar phrase when talking of the international and domestic game. Managers have just 24 days to prepare for the 10th pre-season Kenna auction.
Can they raise their game to challenge the Tactical Brambler?
Rarely Kroos about it: The German midfielder is as technically brilliant as he appears to be modest
I THINK I’m in love with Toni Kroos.
The feeling first flickered on Tuesday evening, as Germany gave one of the most assured performances in World Cup history.
Before then I’d barley noticed this cog in the German machine. As so often happens at major tournaments the eyes of the beholder were drawn to a young pretender: the outstanding James Rodriguez.
The young Colombian was unbelievable in Brazil. Beating players, setting up and scoring goals with panache. The jaw-dropping chest, turn and volley versus Uruguay and the eye-contact penalty against Julio Cesar won James the admiration of the world.
If any parallels can be drawn between a multi-million dollar international football tournament in industrialised South America and a love story set in an early 19th Century rural community in Dorset, then it’s clear that Rodriguez assumed the role of the young, flash Sergeant Troy in Thomas Hardy’s pastoral masterpiece Far From The Madding Crowd.
Initially successful in wooing the much-sought-after Bathsheba Everdene, Troy didn’t last the distance, and from the fringes of consciousness the sturdy, honourable, hard-working shepherd Gabriel Oak figure of Kroos emerges to win the her heart.
For Kroos excels in attacking midfield. He moves the ball around with ease and picks out teammates with little difficulty, splitting the opposition in half with a subtle dink.
In between the battle cries of Thomas Müller and the all action swashbuckle of Bastian Schweinsteiger, the brilliance of Toni Kroos can be overlooked, and like Bathsheba rehiring Oak because he’s the only man who can cure her flock of sheep from bloat, I feel the fool for ignoring his talents for so long.
It wasn’t until this week’s semi finals, where the hubris of the tournament is stripped away to leave the most efficient and worthy teams – and sadly in this instance Brazil, Netherlands and Argentina – that one realises the person right in front of them all along is the true star. I felt a similar awakening four years ago when Diego Forlan scored a sublime long-range goal against the Dutch. While I was awaiting magic from household names, I suddenly realised Forlan had been doing this all along.
Kroos is not only an excellent player, he hasn’t succumbed to the celebrity of his peers. As others insert hair plugs or shave their squad number on the side of their head, Toni wears the quaff of a seven-year-old boy whose mum has just fiercely brushed it before the funeral of an elderly relative.
Even as one can imagine the rest of the German team whooping and hollering in the dressing room at half time in Belo Horizonte, of course before Jogi Löw slid in to cool enthusiasm, Toni would be quietly restoring his side parting, not out of vanity but because he wouldn’t want his family to get disapproving looks from neighbours.
At 24, Kroos can surely go on to be one the most enduring stars of world football and the most deserving lifter of the Jules Rimet on Sunday night. As an Englishman he makes me no longer feel ashamed of wanting to a replica Deutschland shirt to add to the collection of Italian club sides and Eastern European minnows.
There’s only one catch to this beautiful romance. It turns out Toni Kroos was signed at the Emerson World Cup fantasy football auction by the Testiculadew Land manager.
In second place with 170 points, Botafogo Pirates FC will rely on David Luiz, Jerome Boateng and Sergio Romero.
In third, Fat Ladies could add to their 169 points with performances from Thomas Müller, Martin Demichelis, Wesley Sneijder and, ahem, Fred.
In a cruel paradox for the rest if the league, T-Land are also a red and yellow card away from picking up the Emerson Unfair Play award.
Added to his Kenna league and cup double last season, the manager would enjoy the most successful year of any since the league was founded in 2005, taking the mantle from the chairman’s domestic double and Dr Khumalo World Cup in 2010.
But I’m not bitter. I just hope Toni Kroos is happy.
James Rodriguez: No flies on the Botafogo Pirates FC playmaker, just a massive grasshopper
BOTAFOGO Pirates FC pillaged their way to the top of the Emerson World Cup over the quarter final weekend, and with two of the tournament’s standout players it’s not hard to see why.
Colombian midfielder James Rodriguez and Uruguay defender Diego Godin walked into the Emerson Team of the Tournament so far, made up of one player from each country to be signed at the auction last month.
Rodirguez looks a snip at £17m for his 50 points, but it’s not all been plain sailing for his Somali manager – he also has three players in the worst team of the Emerson.
Quite how Botafogo Pirates FC find themselves top of the table with Xavi, Loic Remy and Samuel Inkoom, who have scored three points between them, remains a mystery.
At £10m for his two points, Xavi is almost the worst signing of the auction, yet the Pirates stand seven points clear at the top, largely due to their two stars. The manager will look to the trio of Jerome Boateng, David Luiz and Sergio Romero to carry his side over the line.
Many fingers will point when it comes to worst signing of the auction, but the Horn of Africa really should have sounded loudest for two players.
The first is Fabio Contreao of Kappa Wearers FC. For his £10m the manager didn’t even get an appearance. Pepe ended on nil points too, but at least he picked up a red card.
The second is Lokomotiv Leeds £10m gloveman Vorm, who after Saturday night’s penalty drama appears to be the only Dutch goalkeeper who isn’t part of Louis van Gaal’s plans.
Only four games remain of this scintillating World Cup. Will Testiculadew Land’s Leo Messi, Toni Kroos and Daley Blind close the eight-point gap on the Pirates? Have Fred, Wesley Sneijder, Martin Demichelis and Thomas Muller got at least seven points in the tank to take top spot? Who will win the Emerson Unfair Play award?
Look out after the semi finals for the next thrilling instalment.*
Massive Bel: The Kenna League’s most ardent Welshman is now claiming to be Belgian
FOOTBALL World Cups must put unnecessary strain on a Welshman.
Having not appeared in the tournament since 1958, and only then because the Suez crisis had made a farce of qualification, the Dragons have spent the last 56 years in the wilderness. Little wonder they’re always banging on about rugby.
Even the traditional schadenfreude of watching their enemy over the dyke lament the state of the English national side has been dampened by a universal lowering of expectations in the Three Lions.
And how confounding must it be for the rest of the world to ask why the future Prince of Wales is president of the English Football Association?
All of which should go some way to explaining the ever more erratic behaviour of the Young Brazilian Boys manager.
All his life a proud son of St David, the Welshman first began to show signs of mental fragility on the opening day of the competition. He turned up to the Emerson World Cup fantasy football auction three hours late wearing a replica Belgium shirt and made wild assertions about his nationality, like Tin Tin putting on a Welsh accent and telling Captain Haddock he did know the difference between an AC Cobra and a two tone BMW 525.
It was a matter of minutes before the Young Boys manager lost the power of addition, overspent his budget and forfeit his £75m Brazilian striker Neymar, becoming the biggest single victim of the Titus Bramble ruling ever recorded.
The next indication of the manager’s failing faculties happened a few days later. Under continued questioning on social media over his phoney Belgian credentials, the wayward Welshman set out to prove his place of birth was Brussels – previously his second favourite vegetable after leeks.
Paying little to no attention to the threat of identity theft, he tweeted an inconclusive photo of his passport to the world. Several individuals with supporting paperwork claiming to be the Young Boys manager have approached Emerson organisers since. The Belgian embassy have washed their hands of the affair.
By Wednesday it was clear the Welshman’s sanity was hanging by a thread. The manager published a pseudo-paramilitary photo on his Facebook page of himself in the same Belgium shirt he wore at the auction (has he taken it off in two weeks?), a flag, face paint, fag end jammed in his mouth, wearing pharmacy bargain bin sunglasses and a beret.
Metropolitan Police have increased security at local schools.
After the last 16 round of matches in the Emerson World Cup, only a few points separate the top few teams. It comes as little surprise that the Young Boys manager is nowhere among them.
