The Jeff Kenna League – Page 64 – The world's leading London pub-based fantasy football league

Belgian Benteke books Pirates berth in cup final

Tidy pirate — Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)

A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.

The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.

“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.

Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.

Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”

Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.

Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.

Emperor Ming — Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager

The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.

“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”

Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.

Cup results

Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2 RVP

FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar Lukaku, Benteke x3

*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”

League table

Week 34 - 30 April 2013 — Week 34 – 30 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	50	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	43	2
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	37	4
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	32	2
5	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
7	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
8	Woking	Mike	25	0
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	0
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	2
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	1
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	1
15	Headless Chickens	John N	19	0
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
17	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	13	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Benteke, C – AVL – STR
		Club	Spartak Mogadishu

Feeding Luis

Lone wolf: Luis Suarez has been the outstanding player for his team this season

THE ALLEYWAY behind the high street was dimly lit and perfect. No one had passed in either direction for at least 20 minutes. As time drew on the task seemed more achievable, albeit no less irksome.

It had become a desperate occupation, but there was no other choice if the team was to continue performing well. The amount of money riding on these nocturnal expeditions was so high that ethics were irrelevant. The star striker must retain his outstanding form, especially considering the indifferent performances of his teammates.

It was just after 10pm. Four hours ago the lid had almost been lifted on one of the biggest secrets in football. He’d got a result from the match and managed to palm off the press in the post-match interview, but he needed tonight to go off without a hitch to complete the run in to the end of the season. He could feel the low thud of adrenaline.

At first this little whim, as he thought it was then, seemed as harmless as wearing lucky underwear or kissing rabbit’s foot. The manager wasn’t a superstitious man, but plenty of his players were. He surveyed the dark street from the car he’d hired and wondered how it had come to this.

He’d noticed something strange about Luis Suarez a few days after becoming his manager. He’d called the striker in for a one-to-one and offered him his complete trust, as he did with all his players. Suarez had seemed shifty then, and it wasn’t until responding to a panicked, late night phone call to the striker’s home that he discovered why. Fortunately, no one asks questions when a middle-aged vagrant disappears.

Already he had sussed out the rest of the squad as a bunch of overpaid underachievers, and he needed his best player to be as happy as possible to produce his best football. Once he’d overcome the initial shock and been assured that no one else knew, he offered the striker his full support. League performance was everything.

The goals kept going in, but the demands to be sated became increasingly frequent and acquired. Homeless men didn’t do for long and by Christmas women were the preferred choice. Not just any woman, but a particular type that had he given this heinous menu more thought beforehand, he would never have guessed.

Just as humans prefer a fatted calf, Luis preferred the larger lady. The sort who wear XXXL fleeces, scrape their lank hair back in a Croydon facelift and march around with a determined expression and a box of Mayfair Menthol clutched in stubby fingers were ideal. Luckily this was the north west of England, and like the stolen credit card and fake driving licence he’d used to hire the car, this commodity was in no short supply.

And so he found himself waiting for the end of shift at the back door of Superdrug. This was the seventh different market town he’d visited in two months, but that afternoon’s outburst had shown the situation was getting out of control. Whatever the cost, he needed those goals.

A few yards away a metal door squeaked open and a figure lumbered into view. For a moment the face was illuminated until a plume of smoke rose into the night air.

He readied the chloroform.

League table

Week 33 - 23 April 2013 — Week 33 – 23 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	54	3
2	PSV Mornington	El Pons	52	0
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	50	3
4	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	46	4
5	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	46	2
6	Headless Chickens	John N	44	2
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	3
9	Bala Rinas	Lewis	41	1
10	FC Testicluadew	James N	41	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	36	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	35	0
13	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	34	1
14	Just put Carles	Carles	33	0
15	Piedmonte	Phil	33	0
16	Woking	Mike	33	0
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	32	1
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0

In too deep

Woking manager Sky Sports News — Never Woking up again: Three days later a dog walker found Natalie Sawyer’s battered corpse on Chobham Common

THE CAR pulled to a stop and he killed the lights. It was late at night and only the glow of the radio illuminated their faces. He turned to her.

“I really need this,” he said over his Genesis CD.

“Look, Mike, it’s not that easy. I can’t just click my fingers and get you a job,” she said nervously. There was no other light around them as far as the eye could see, except the dim red suggestion of the M3 a couple of miles away. He’d seemed so pleasant and well mannered in the studio, but he was different now. He probably didn’t have any rare Brentford Football Club memorabilia to show her.

“But you must be able to,” the tension in his voice was clear. “You’re one of their most popular anchors. The Woking job, that’s over now. The board called me in yesterday.”

She took a deep breath: “Not all ex managers make good pundits. I know you did okay in the screen test today, but there are other factors. Do you know how many former managers we have coming in? Lots of…”

“But I could do it,” he cut in. “I’ve got the experience. To manage a team propping up the league for most of the season, well, it gives you plenty to analyse. It gives you perspective,” he was louder now, and the Home Counties twang he worked so hard to hide was becoming more pronounced.

“We’ve already got a team of well known pundits who the punters love,” she was firmer, and trying to steer the conversation towards getting away from the desolate spot in which she found herself. “They’re not some one-season pony with three worst manager of the month awards and a string of ill-advised signings. They’re household names: Jeff Stelling, Matt Le Tissier, Alan McInally…”

“Screw Alan McInally!” His hands hit the steering wheel in frustration. Her head snapped round to see a wild look in his eyes as he stared into the darkness. His breathing was deep, animal.

“If I don’t get this then there’s nothing,” he continued. “Nothing. I’ve been talking to my agent and there are no offers to manage another club. No job in football’s top flight and my life’s over. You have to get me a job, Natalie.” His knuckles were white. His eye twitched.

“I’d like you to drive me home now,” she made the sound, but it was barely audible. The end of the sentence was swallowed by the realisation that she’d seen Sam for the last time.

He opened the door and stepped into the chill of a Surrey spring night. She became more rigid in her seat as he retrieved something from the boot. In a flash her door was opened.

“Get out!” He shouted. Then without waiting he grabbed her sleek dark hair and dragged her out of the car. She screamed but there was no one to hear. The noise was enveloped by the lonely isolation.

He threw her to ground and stood over her. The lichen was damp and cold against her tights.

“I’ve been patient,” he said, the strain of his team’s poor league performances and early cup exit very much apparent. “But you’re negativity is starting to anger me. You don’t understand. No one understands. You just think the Kenna League is a bunch of guys in the pub doing a fantasy football auction. Do you know how much my back still stings from wearing the Bramble Jersey during the January transfer night? This is serious, more serious than you could ever imagine in your cosy studio.”

“I understand. I agree with you,” she simpered.

“You’re mocking me,” he snarled. Something briefly shined at his side.

“Please, please don’t hurt me,” she sobbed. Tears were streaming from her dark eyes. In places they were beginning to stick hair to the sharp curves of her Slavic features.

The open car door was the only window of light in the wide open space of the dark heathland, made blacker still by the overcast and starless night sky. Not even an owl hooted.

The melancholy voice of Phil Collins coming from the radio drifted over the purple flowering heather and sweet scented gorse, punctuated by 17 blows from a socket wrench.

Coloured performance chart

MOTM Augst 2012 - March 2013 — Coloured performance chart – August 2012 to March 2013

Cup results

Canesten Combi Cup semi final first leg

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 2 Just Put Carles
van Persie Maloney, Arteta

Spartak Mogadishu 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

Second leg to be played 30 April.

League table

Week 32 - 16 April 2013 — Week 32 – 16 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	32	1
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	1
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	2
5	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	24	1
7	Woking	Mike	24	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	23	2
9	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	22	0
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	21	1
12	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	1
15	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	17	1
16	Greendale Rockets	Stu	17	0
17	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	14	0
18	FC Testicluadew	James N	12	0
19	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	12	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	10	Sessegnon, S – SUN – MID
		Club	Newington Reds

No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime — Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013 — Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	39	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	34	1
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	31	1
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	2
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
7	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
9	Woking	Mike	23	0
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	20	0
13	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	20	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	17	1
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	10	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Unsigned

League incompetence exposed

Spot the Luger: The Chairman claims he was never in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw

THE KENNA League has been accused of taking a ‘back of a fag packet’ approach in the wake of a cup results controversy.

On Tuesday Kenna HQ published aggregate scores of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals which were immediately called into question.

Sporting Lesbian were initially believed to have beaten Just Put Carles after their match at The Gash. It now appears that result was wrong and JPC will progress.

The Spartak Mogadishu manager also claims that his team had no chance of beating Northern Monkeys. Both goal counts are to be reviewed.

The league has come under severe criticism surrounding the matter, with the Chairman’s official visit to Poland pinpointed as the reason for the oversight.

Rumours abound that instead of attending to Kenna business the Chairman was making ‘guess where I am’ phone calls to his mates from the duty office of the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw.

“You can shine a desk lamp in my face and kick me in the knackers with a jackboot, but I’ll keep telling you the same story: what with eating a strange mixture of cabbage and pickled herring at mealtimes, and drinking myriad shots, I’ve had my hands full,” said the Chairman, who isn’t any less of a man for discovering a taste for quince vodka.

“You must appreciate that I’ve had no access to Microsoft Excel for a week, something the Headless Chickens manager will understand, and when I return to Kenna HQ all will be resolved.

“Right now I’ve got three more days of Poles giggling as I attempt to communicate with them in their native tongue.”

Nearly tripped by a Bramble

TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.

“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.

A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.

The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”

Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.

In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”

Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.

“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”

Still Don’t Know Yet 2 (3) – 0 (1) Vasco De Beauvoir
Kone, Gerrard

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 1 (2) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva

Spartak Mogadishu 2 (4) – 2 (3) Northern Monkeys
Taraabt, Benteke Bramble og, Cazorla

FC Testiculadew 3 (4) – 1 (4) Dynamo Charlton – FCT win 32-23 on second-leg points
Berbatov x2, Remy Tevez

Semi finals

Still Don’t Know Yet v Sporting Lesbian

Spartak Mogadishu v FC Testiculadew

League table and weekly scores are available by downloading The Rub from the link on the right-hand side of this page.

Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.

Kenna season two: Enter Ronaldo

Rooney sent off 2006 — The day English World Cup delusion died

FOR MANY Englishmen the Germany 2006 World Cup was a rude awakening.

In the build up to the tournament expectancy filled the air, and the airwaves. Everyone was telling us that this was England’s chance. The Golden Generation.

“Look at our players. Just look! They’re all playing for top clubs reaching the latter stages of the Champions League.”

“They’ve knighted Geoff Hurst! This must be an omen, because he beat the Germans in an era we can’t remember and from which we’ve never watched a full game, just the same clips over and over again.”

“All the World Cup winners since 1966 form a mathematical sequence that is completed only if England win in Germany. I’m not saying it’s in the bag, but by thunder it’s our best chance for years!”

Such were the sentiments fanning the flames of hope.

As with any tournament it all ended with tears for the English, and that was the moment most Kenna managers should have realised that no matter how many ‘years of hurt’ they’d undergone mediocrity should just be accepted.

Looking back now, the 90s – two semi-final finishes and a roller coaster of a game against Argentina in Massif Central – were the pinnacle of England’s international endeavour since lifting the Jules Rimet, but as managers assembled in the One Tun near Goodge Street tube station for the 2006-07 season’s auction in early August, the memory of that Madeirense eyelid movement on a field in the Ruhr still cut deep.

Most expensive summer signings

1	T Henry	£36.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
2	A Shevchenko	£35.5m	Tourette’s Allstars
3	W Rooney	£34m	Fat Ladies
4	S Gerrard	£29m	Thieving Magpies
5	J Terry	£28.5m	Fat Ladies

The auction became a morality play. Footballers were merited on their performance in Germany rather than their week-in, week-out trade at club level.

Widely vilified for failing to find the net in the World Cup, Frank Lampard went for a paltry £18m to Thieving Magpies despite being one of the domestic game’s top performers the season previous.

On his Kenna debut the FC Gun Show manager, noted for his pragmatism, loose morals and Hackett socks, cleaned up.

As he bought diving Drogba for £5m, Berbatov for £18m and the anti-christ himself Cristiano Ronaldo for £22m, the rest of the league guffawed at the folly.

Story of the season – (see the Rub for the season)

Manager of the Month 2006-07 — Green: Manager of the Month, Red: Turkey of the Month

The Portuguese went on to enjoy a three-season reign of majestic dominance in the Kenna, and helped FC Gun Show become the second ever manager to win the league.

His three star players aside, only one other of the FC Gun Show manager’s original eleven chalked up over 100 points – Stewart Downing.

Thieving Magpies came second, although at the time their inability to do better was touted as further evidence that Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard can’t ‘dovetail’ in midfield.

Defending champions Vasco De Beauvoir could only muster third place, but were consoled by winning the inaugural Canesten Combi Cup competition, beating 120 Checkout in the final by 34 points to 19.

The Kenna’s first ever female manager bumped right into the glass ceiling. Building a team around Ricardo Vaz Te was held at fault, rather than gender issues.

Every manager learnt two important lessons that August night in Fitzrovia: no one wins the Kenna buying players they like and the One Tun is not a good auction venue.

They also discovered that the Kidderminster Harriers squad possessed more Premier League winners medals (one) than the Liverpool squad. And so the Stuart Watkiss League was renamed to become the Jeff Kenna.

Final league table

Kenna League - final standings 2006-07 — Kenna League – final standings 2006-07

Highest scorers

1	C Ronaldo	247	£22m	FC Gun Show
2	W Rooney	236	£34m	Fat Ladies
3	F Lampard	215	£18m	Thieving Magpies
4	D Berbatov	211	£18m	FC Gun Show
5	D Drogba	199	£5m	FC Gun Show

What a bunch of can’ts

Andorra — McIlroy toothache: Maybe the equipment’s to blame

THE WOKING manager can’t polish a turd.

The Sporting Lesbian manager surely can’t lose the title from here, something the Piedmonte manager can’t ever be expected to win buying under-performing English footballers for extortionate prices at auction. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager can’t visit Utoya Island ever again. One man still can’t believe that when he introduced them to the definition of the word ‘needster’, two people who had never met before the Newington Reds manager’s stag do in the Pyrenees simultaneously pulled up the same provocative Facebook photo of a girl in a bikini. Rival Catalans the Just Put Carles and PSV Mornington managers can’t eat their evening meals before midnight. A steady diet of lager and Jägerbombs can’t be sustained for longer than three days without an eerie taste of sick developing at the back of the throat. The Spartak Mogadishu manager can’t stop pillaging other’s first dates and making off with the booty, while the former Dan Terry Seduction manager can’t get laid, even using Rohypnol. Kenna HQ can’t afford to open premises in St James’s called the Point Fives Club with live tweets from the Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction framed on the wall of the billiard room. And someone who can snowboard can’t necessarily ski.

Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.

No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”

League table

Week 29 - 19 March 2013 — Week 29 – 19 March 2013

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	43	3
2	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	1
3	Piedmonte	Phil	33	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	1
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	2
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	1
7	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	2
8	Just put Carles	Carles	26	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	1
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	22	0
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	22	0
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	22	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	19	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	16	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	0
19	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	14	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Monreal, N – ARS – DEF
		Club	Judean Peoples’ Front

Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub — Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013 — Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	4
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	21	1
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	2
15	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
16	Woking	Mike	14	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	13	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Tevez, C – MCY – STR
		Club	Dynamo Charlton