London 38 bus route pub crawl

New 38 bus — Any excuse: The new number 38 bus.

ONE QUESTION was only the start of it. How could we ride the new model number 38 bus?

It was accepted that the ‘hop-on, hop-off’ routemaster-style bus only runs around once an hour on one bus route – the number 38.

Despite its meandering path through the boroughs of Hackney, Islington, Camden and Westminster – taking in some of the most iconic sights in London – there was one problem: none of us ever used it.

All of a sudden the answer was clear: a number 38 bus route pub crawl.

The curious mix of order and chaos that happened on Saturday 20 October 2012 is chronicled below. Where applicable comments about the route, the pubs and learning points have been noted. It is hoped these will instruct, inform and entertain both the crawl aficionado and the casual drinker.

Photos are courtesy of World of Tim, and in some cases have been anonymised to mitigate backlash from AA sponsors. Maps have been pinched from the rather excellent Transport for London website.

The plan

A little research found that despite the best efforts of the valiant Bob fabled therein, the last recorded effort along the same route two years previously had mostly fizzled out around halfway along the seven-mile route.

We immediately determined to make the excursion as achievable, fun and damaging to the liver as possible. We had three considerations:

Number of pubs – Circle Line or Monopoly board pub crawls have two flaws, there are too many stops to take in surroundings, and everyone drink halves. We decided on visiting 10 pubs, so we could comfortably spend 38 minutes in each one.

Direction of travel – this was simple, start in north east London and travel south west to Victoria. No one wants to be without their wits in Clapton Pond on a Saturday night, an area on a stretch of road commonly referred to as ‘The Murder Mile’.

38 bus route pub crawl: Top right to bottom left (almost).

Pub locations – establishments should be chosen at even intervals along the route, and as much as possible on the same side of the road as convenient bus stops. This second point would prove invaluable in the later stages.

A Sunday morning bicycle ride two weeks beforehand identified a number of suitable boozers, rubber stamped by a kangaroo committee. The route would not be followed to its absolute end because, as any Londoner will tell you, there are no decent rub-a-dub-dubs in Victoria.

Here’s the list:

The Clapton Hart, Clapton Pond
The Cock Tavern, Hackney Central
The Duke of Wellington, Ball’s Pond Road
The George Orwell, Essex Road
The Old Queen’s Head, Islington
The Old Red Lion Theatre, Angel
The Exmouth Arms, Exmouth Market
The Old Crown, New Oxford Street
The Marquis of Granby, Cambridge Circus
Ye Grapes, Mayfair

The crawl

Each pub name links to it’s location on Google maps. The nearest bus stop is also included.

1. The Clapton Hart, Clapton Pond

At 1pm a handful of intrepid souls, including Vicki the Bus Spotter, fat Peter Sutcliffe and the athletic frame of the Vasco De Beauvoir manager, met near the Lea Bridge Roundabout. The weather was overcast, but not inclement.

The Clapton Hart has an airy, pleasant feel with respectable staff, and for a moment the social depravity of the surrounding neighbourhood was forgotten, until a regular ambled in with a dog on a string.

Lunch was adequate, but had that fairtrade, made-of-recycled-principles taste about it and the cauliflower was purple. In hindsight, three pints was excessive.

A couple of new 38s idled in the middle of the Lea Bridge Roundabout, but the clock was ticking. There’d be plenty of time for that.

2. The Cock Tavern, Hackney Central

Beer pumps — Trendy Cock: More pumps than you could shake a vintage cardigan at.

A few minutes ride on a boring old Wirght Gemini 2 and we discovered that Jesus was wrong: the meek did not inherit the earth. The meek grew up and moved to east London to work in digital marketing and stay up since last Thursday banging meow meow. A trio of such specimens scratching around the Cock early doors hinted at the clientele, but by thunder did the place stock ale.

After a quick beer we emerged to see… Not already? No, it couldn’t be? It was the new 38!

In a moment not unlike an episode of long-running ITV police drama series The Bill, we crashed along the pavement towards the bus stop, except instead of chasing drug dealers through a notorious Sun Hill housing estate, we were trying to take pictures of an arriving bus. And what a bus it was.

Vee the Bus Spotter — At the end of the route it took three bus drivers to get her off.

Decadent maroon soft furnishing tastefully intertwined with the luxuriant caramel glow of the hand rails. The step entrance was pristine, yellow trim shining, with not a drop of chewing gum, blood or urine tarnishing its surface. The ‘new car smell’ was yet to be overpowered by half-eaten boxes of fried chicken and old people.

For a few intense, heady minutes at the front of the top deck we sailed along Graham Road and over Dalston Junction. Then it was time for another drink.

3. The Duke of Wellington, Ball’s Pond Road

Coca cola — Coked up: Some struggled to keep the pace on alcohol alone.

Charming island bar and abundance of natural light aside, the Duke always feels brittle, as though ordering a round of Jägerbombs for the whole pub would reduce it into a delicatessen. One notable feature is the former doorway turned into a cosy corner which still boasts the original floor mosaic bearing the pub’s name.

At this point latecomers – including Anders Breivik doppleganger the Judean Peoples’ Front manager – swelled our numbers and the throng dutifully moved onto pub number four. Vicki the Bus Spotter was beside herself: at the next bus stop we took another new 38.

4. The George Orwell, Essex Road

Orwell famously treatised of the perfect London pub where the punters were friendly, barmaids affable and beer well served. When visiting his namesake establishment in Canonbury the dream the author weaves, like Boxer the horse in Animal Farm, takes an ugly one in the knackers. Not quite Room 101, but a bit more Down and out than Moon Under Water.

More joined the ranks, with even a one-year-old child putting in a shift.

5. The Old Queen’s Head, Islington

Baby pint — Baby P: My part in his downfall

Whether the Old Queen’s Head is an accurate representation of what’s going on inside the monarch’s noggin is uncertain, but if years of wet paint fumes have finally got to the old girl then why not retro furniture, a slim fit crowd and a baby seeing off a pint of bitter?

6. The Old Red Lion Theatre Pub, Angel

Middle-aged men in turtle neck sweaters using the shallow cover of literary drama to crack onto impressionable, young girls awkwardly asserting their creative independence having thrown off the shackles of a sheltered, suburban upbringing – is what you expect to find in a theatre pub. We found Norwich City Football Club fans. Loads of them.

A Canary army had descended on the Old Red Lion to watch their team play Arsenal in the dim red glow of the pub’s quasi ghost train decor. Some crawlers had something to eat. It could have been chips.

7. The Exmouth Arms, Exmouth Market

Downing a pint — The Exmouth Arms: Peter Sutcliffe rips through a pint of bitter, Yorkshire style.

At the introduction of the 50p game in the Exmouth Arms events spiralled out of control. For the uninitiated, if a 50p piece is dropped into your glass while you’re holding it, you must immediately drink its contents. The coin is then yours with which to cause mischief.

Many of the unsuspecting crawl were seven pints to the good and, as it would go on to do a week later, the game caused no little degree of mayhem.

8. The Old Crown, New Oxford Street

Small. Really small. The Old Crown was the next boozer on the 38 route of any claim. A small claim. A small claims court. Girl Guides. Lots of 50ps.

9. The Marquis of Granby, Cambridge Circus

Peroni — The Cambridge: So bad there’s only one answer.

Composure regained, we found the Marquis of Granby was shut – a common symptom of central London pubs on weekends. Panic spread through the camp, but it turned out there were lots of other pubs nearby and everyone realised they weren’t really that fussed anyway.

We went to the Cambridge. A horrendous place that only exists to convince thousands of tourists every year who know no better that they’ve been to a traditional English public house. The former Young Boys of Kilburn manager ordered a large glass of red wine thinking it would be exempt from the 50p game.

10. Ye Grapes, Mayfair

Barmaid — Ye Grapes: “10 pubs? Pathetic.”

Ye Grapes is also the last pub on the official Monopoly pub crawl, which meant they were used to people wandering in on the sharp end of 14 pints. This was fortunate, as through a consequence of bizarre, delayed trauma to having their childhood television memories recently besmirched in the media, some crawlers were singing the theme song to Jim’ll Fix It.

A fair amount of leering at the barmaid took place, people bought poppies and the Lokomotiv Leeds manager took it upon himself to neck pints with astonishing speed.

So there it is: 10 pubs, one bus route. Easy.

A spring offensive is on the drawing board…

The Year of the Goatee

FCT manager at the auction — Bearded: The FCT manager’s public image suffered in 2012

DESPITE Luis Suarez and Sergio Aguero notching them up like John Terry’s bedpost, Sporting Lesbian go into the New Year with only a slender lead over the reigning champions.

FC Testiculadew shaved a point from the gap since Boxing Day morning with goals from Jonny Evans, Steven Pienaar and Dimitar Berbatov.

FCT enjoyed the added advantage of Danny Simpson missing Saturday evening’s game, while Lesbian Davide Santon had seven knocked past him and got booked.

Much maligned for the heinous crime of tactical Brambling during May’s Euros auction, the FCT boss hopes to regenerate his public profile in the New Year, as well as becoming the first manager to defend the league title.

“For some reason I’ve earned a bad reputation, but I hope that everyone can leave that unfortunate, summer misunderstanding in 2012 and see that behind the sinister facial hair I’m just a stand-up guy who can get the best from his team in all competitions,” said cad and bounder the FCT manager, while counting out 11 bullets into envelopes addressed to the Sporting Lesbian first team.

At the bottom, Bala Rinas climb out of the drop zone thanks to Gareth Bale and Daniel Agger. Wandsworth Window Lickers sink down most likely because their top scorer this week was Gabriel Obertan.

Looking into 2013, managers’ immediate focus will be on the cup ahead of this week’s fixtures, with every team in with a chance of progressing to the knockout stages.

League table

Week 18 - 31 December 2012 — Week 18 – 31 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	75	6
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	59	6
3	PSV Mornington	El Pons	59	4
4	FC Testicluadew	James N	50	3
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	49	3
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	48	4
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	48	2
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	48	2
9	Just put Carles	Carles	45	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	4
11	Piedmonte	Phil	43	4
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	43	3
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	43	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	37	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	36	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	30	1
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	25	1
19	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	1
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Walcott, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Pikey Scum

A Christmas Carroll

A KNOCK at the door announced the manager’s two o’clock meeting. Brief fumbling at the knob was followed by the entrance of the team’s star striker.

“Hello, Andy. Please take a seat. Have a mince pie,” said the Headless Chickens manager from behind his desk.

The lofty striker approached the chair eyeing the plate of Mr Kipling’s on the desk. Sitting down, he picked up one of the pies, sniffed it gingerly and wolfed it down.

“Andy, I’ve asked you in today to talk about your performances,” said the manager. “Remember at the start of the season…”

“Andy did a goal!” Interrupted the striker, banging his fists on the arm rests, wild excitement in his eyes.

“Yes, back at the start of the season Andy ‘did a goal'” conceded the Chickens manager. “But the problem is that Andy hasn’t scored many goals since then.”

The striker looked at the floor with sorrowful eyes and then meekly up at his manager.

“Well, we’re really here about a serious matter but…oh, alright then, but only because it’s Christmas,” the manager produced a banana from a drawer and threw it at the striker, who greedily unpeeled and ate it. The procedure demeaned them both, but the Chickens target man was always calmed by the yellow fruit and the manager had just had new carpets fitted.

“Now, Andy, remember those days when you first played in the Kenna?” said the manager.

“Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal! Andy did a goal!” Screamed the striker over and over again, jumping up and down on the chair and beating his fists on his chest.

After congratulating himself for not offering the glass of sherry the season’s custom had supplied his other visitors that day, the manager stood and tried to calm his player down, as always having to fall back on the usual ultimatum: “Look Andy, if you don’t stop this now, you’ll have to stay at Uncle Kevin’s house again!”

The effect was immediate. Andy stopped dry humping the cocktail cabinet and returned to his seat.

“Now Andy, unless you start producing the goods (no, put that away!) I’ve got no alternative than to put you on the transfer list for February’s window, and you know what that means.”

The striker nodded slowly. Everyone knew what it meant but the manager wanted to make his point.

“It means you’ll end up playing for some relegation-doomed outfit like Woking or Vasco De Beauvoir when everyone’s scratching around for players at the end of the transfer night. And do you think the managers there will give you bananas? So, you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals and you’re going to start ‘doing’ goals good.

“Now onto brighter things. It’s the club Christmas party tonight. By the way, what was your last club’s Christmas party like?”

The striker grinned: “Andy did a hole!”

League table

Week 17 - 25 December 2012 — Week 17 – 25 December 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	41	2
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	40	1
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	36	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	2
6	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	3
8	Greendale Rockets	Stu	28	1
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
10	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	25	2
11	Just put Carles	Carles	25	1
12	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	1
15	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	14	1
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	14	0
19	Woking	Mike	12	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	10	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	13	Gerrard, S – LIV – MID
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Camisas de futbol

In the grand scheme of things, $45US may seem like a drop in the ocean, but as the starting price for a counterfeit Mexican club football top it was high. Too damned high.

It was a Chivas shirt, red and white stripes with ‘Toyota’ across the shoulders and the irresistible logo of mass bakers ‘Bimbo’ on the front.

There was neither name nor number on the back, and in this regard it failed in any attempts to become a prized asset. An opening offer could be reckless, and introduced itself at five bucks.

Taking it as the usual jest of a holidaymaker haemorrhaging cash on Playa del Carmen’s main drag, the vender dropped to 42. When his customer stuck to five, the pidgin pleasantries ended.

“I don’t give these away for free! Especially to a cheapskate like you!” was, one thought, in poor taste considering the trifling wages of underage sweatshop workers I’d just pointed out.

For the casual reader wondering why the hell one would take such a bearding as this for a fake piece of polyester, it’s difficult to explain just how integral a part these tops are to the game’s culture.

Latin America’s landscape is just as much characterised by rich, tropical vegetation, breathtaking mountain panoramas and faded beer marketing as it is by a weatherbeaten campesino wearing a number 10 Carlos Valderama shirt.

Parallels with some tattooed chancer in Chelsea ‘home’ sounding off in a Surrey pub are soon forgotten in the heat, tinny salsa music and desperately-cheap rum cocktails.

Many tourists buy wooden masks or moody silver trinkets, but to take home a mid-90s Campos, a Club América Blanco or a River Plate Ariel Ortega is to have a much more tangible slice of a country’s aspirations, reverence and achievement. Advertising is also a lot more unrestrained and a lot less ethical than European counterparts.

Back in the tat shop on the Caribbean coast things were turning nasty.

“This shirt is professional. It’s good quality, not like this cheap crap that you wear,” said the Mexican sales assistant tugging at my t-shirt to a generous offer of $15US.

I forgave the slight to French Connection and soldiered on. I’d already been ejected from one shop in similar circumstances, but I couldn’t help feeling sorry for these guys. They wouldn’t last 10 minutes in Marrakech.

I tried to pick up the bits of good will smashed on the floor by going to twenty, just to give him a chance, but the train of overweight gringos thronging along Avenida Quinta had irrecoverably altered market conditions. I wouldn’t be held to ransom.

From Rome to Cartagena the equivalent of £15 was the most these things would ever be worth, and no one in their right mind would give even half of that for this Chivas disaster. I always thought there’d be plenty of other chances.

However, that was a week ago and despite having visited a good many more places on the Yucatán peninsula since there’s been a hearty lack of football shirts for sale.

Just two full days remain and it feels more and more unlikely that an opportunity will present itself on the current schedule, and as sure as eggs is eggs I’m sure not stooping to a Manchester United Chicharito effort.

Harry takes the Wii

Nintendo Wii — Taking the Wii: Kenna managers have accused Harry Redknapp of using punditry appearances as a shop window

A COLLECTIVE sigh of relief was heard on Friday in the vicinity of the relegation zone as Harry Redknapp took a new job.

The Bala Rinas, Woking and Vasco De Beauvoir managers were finding the maverick cockney’s ever-increasing punditry appearances uncomfortable viewing as he hinted at his future with every piece of analysis.

After seeing highlights of another awful performance from the last-placed club, Match of the Day’s Gary Lineker came straight out with it a week last Saturday, asking Redknapp if he fancied the job.

“As a recognised specialist of taking the reins of a struggling club just before the January transfer window and turning their fortunes around with a few chance signings that will financially drive them into the ground a couple of years after I’ve left, it would be inappropriate of me to comment on whether I’d take the job,” said Redknapp as a text from the Bala Rinas board with details of possible bonus payments for avoiding relegation silently buzzed in his jacket pocket.

“I happened to be in the De Beauvoir area this week, just driving around,” continued a deadpan Redknapp. “A TV reporter stopped me outside the ground and I did a quick interview through the car window like.

“He asked me if I’d seen the team’s latest defeat on the Roger Mellie, but I had to confess I hadn’t. I don’t get much chance to watch football because the daughter-in-law’s always round on the Nintendo Wii.

“Anyway, I’d rather watch her playing Just Dance 4 than this bunch of muppets.”

Canesten Combi Cup – latest scores

Ten matches have already been played in this week’s Cup group stage bumper fixture list. With another 10 to go only Headless Chickens have a clear advantage, although how their manager must rue selling Theo Walcott in the transfer window.

Cup scores latest - 28 November 2012 — Cup scores latest – 28 November 2012

League table

Week 13 - 27 November 2012 — Week 13 – 27 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Greendale Rockets	Stu	40	1
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	37	0
3	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	34	2
4	Headless Chickens	John N	33	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	31	2
6	FC Testicluadew	James N	31	1
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	1
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
9	Piedmonte	Phil	25	0
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	2
11	Woking	Mike	22	1
12	Just put Carles	Carles	21	0
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	0
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	19	0
15	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	19	0
16	PSV Mornington	El Pons	16	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	15	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	14	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	14	0
20	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	13	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Gomez, J – WIG – MID
		Club	Unsigned

A nice cup of hate and a sit down

Tea cup — Storm in a tea cup: Kenna suits are making spot checks on employees’ milk ratio

THE SOCIETY of Black Lawyers has waded into football matters yet again by lodging an official police complaint that tea is too milky at Kenna HQ.

Labelling the Kenna institutionally racist, the pressure group has linked the league’s alleged liberal use of dairy products to a fight in a Leicester nightclub and someone somewhere being called names.

Faced with an official police investigation, the Kenna League Chairman has been forced to defend the organisation in the media.

He said: “These accusations are baseless. I can’t stand milky tea and I won’t stand for it. The very thought that this kind of thing could be going on at the very heart of the Kenna makes me feel sick to the stomach.

“Why anyone would like milky tea – with its tepid, weak taste – is absolutely beyond me. Personally, I like to get something hot and black inside me first thing in the morning. I find nothing more exhilarating.”

Society of Black Lawyers Chairman Peter Herbert said: “The Luis Suarez and John Terry scandals over racism really highlighted just how much media coverage we could get for our cause. The problem now is that they’ve faded from the public eye, and so have we.

“We thought the incident involving Mark Clattenburg and John Obi Mikel might have legs, but nothing’s come of it, so really we’re just trying to jump of any bandwagon that will get me back on Sky News. Did I mention I’m available for after dinner speaking?”

Kenna diversity champion the Spartak Mogadishu manager rubbished claims that pigeonholing was rife in the league.

“Yarrrrr! Pigeonhaulin’? To be sure ye mean keelhaulin’, and every man in the league get a fair chance o’ that if he be crossin’ me,” said the swashbuckling Somali outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Kenna Chairman added: “Equality and diversity is very important to us and everyone has a right not to be victimised regardless of race, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.”

Fault-Les

Sporting Lesbian kicked off their attempt at the double with a thumping 5-0 win over Spartak Mogadishu in Canesten Combi Cup group C.

The only other team not to score a goal was Greendale Rockets, but fortunately for them Still Don’t Know Yet‘s Anton Ferdinand was there to put the ball into his own net.

Cup scores and scorers - 20 November 2012 — Cup scores and scorers – 20 November 2012

Cup groups - 20 November 2012 — Cup groups – 20 November 2012

League table

Week 12 - 20 November 2012 — Week 12 – 20 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	41	5
2	Headless Chickens	John N	38	2
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	36	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	30	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	28	2
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	27	2
7	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	25	1
8	Piedmonte	Phil	24	2
9	Bala Rinas	Lewis	23	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	1
11	Woking	Mike	22	2
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	21	2
13	FC Testicluadew	James N	21	0
14	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	1
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	1
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	18	0
17	Just put Carles	Carles	17	1
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	15	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	14	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Broken fantasy

Elf fair — Summer daze: What looks amazing in late August will often show severe cracks three months on

THERE COMES a time in most Kenna managers’ careers when they know that chances of winning the league are all but over for the season.

Despite the customary early-August, post auction-night complaint that the evening’s excess led to poor decision making and an impending mid-table finish, the pilot light of hope cannot but be ignited when Martin Skrtel starts a potentially record-breaking run by nodding in a couple of summer goals or Peter Crouch begins making runs as darting and incisive as a deer fleeing from an aggressive deforestation programme.

As any experienced boiler room Kenna sheepskin will tell you, these wholesome facades are quickly dashed in autumn, once the new guy who signed the most precocious and unpopular talent emerges as the favourite. The old adage stands firm: no one ever wins buying players they like, especially if those players are English.

So as the rugby club fireworks fizzle out and the giant green shopping centre reindeer go up, here are the warning signs that your chance of winning the league may not be all you think it’s cracked up to be:

You celebrate every one of your player’s goals so wildly the other half pops in to check you haven’t stepped in a bear trap
Two of your five signings in the first transfer window are yet to score, and unlikely to feature any time soon
Each time Wigan Athletic go one up you convince yourself it’s Emerson Boyce, only to be disappointed yet again by the vidiprinter
You’ve earmarked Jason Puncheon as an excellent way to strengthen your midfield in the February transfer window
Of your own free will, you bought Titus Bramble
The PSV Mornington manager phones to tell you how well his team are doing
When given the chance to discharge her at the transfer window, you opt to keep missing Cameroon Olympic women’s football team reserve goalkeeper Drusille Ngako
Watching Match of the Day is a constant reminder that everything you think you know about football is wrong.

Goal watch

The Canesten Combi Cup starts this weekend, with eight matches going on in the four groups.

The team scoring the most goals in each match will take three points.

“The new cup format, exclusive to the Kenna, encourages managers to take an active interest in the weekend’s goal action,” reads the condescending league-branded bumph.

“We suggest you check out your opponent’s team ahead of Saturday and feel everything scored going in, whether that be pleasurable or an unwanted surprise.

“And remember that own goals count against you.”

Group A

Bala Rinas v Woking

Greendale Rockets v Still Don’t Know Yet

Week off: Dynamo Charlton

Group B

Hairy Fadjeetas v Northern Monkeys

Vasco De Beauvoir v Judean Peoples’ Front

Week off: Headless Chickens

Group C

Pikey Scum v FC Testiculadew

Sporting Lesbian v Spartak Mogadishu

Week off: Newington Reds

Group D

PSV Mornington v Lokomotiv Leeds

Just Put Carles v Piedmonte

Week off: Wandsworth Window Lickers

League table

Week 11 - 13 November 2012 — Week 11 – 13 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	38	2
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	27	1
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	2
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	25	2
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
7	Just put Carles	Carles	25	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	0
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	2
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	22	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
13	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	18	1
16	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	18	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	10	0
20	Woking	Mike	9	0

Fingers in the cup

Cup group stage draw 2012 — No expense spared: The cup group stage draw was a lavish event

QUESTIONS are being asked by the Kenna HQ bean counters after the Chairman made a suspicious expenses claim for the Canestan Combi Cup group stage draw.

Dancing girls, lobsters and Nubian boys hired to pick only the blue M&Ms from hundreds of packets all found their way into a receipt submitted to the apparatus, as well as costs for an exclusive central London venue.

Sponsors and the media had been told the cup group stage draw, from which the top four teams from each group will progress to the knockout stages, had put Kenna HQ on a level with the London 2012 opening ceremony and the Queen’s Diamond Jubliee.

But evidence has been unearthed that the draw was a shabby, two-bit affair performed by the Chairman using nothing more than a handful of post-it notes, a beanie hat and four sides of A4 paper.

“These rumours are absolutely preposterous. There were girls in bikinis serving a lavish menu to a handful of global megastars. I can’t believe that social media reporting live from the event didn’t make that clear,” said the Chairman when confronted with a twitpic of the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s high top.

In light of the evidence, the Kenna HQ finance department is now asking for the £80,087,322 claimed by the Chairman back again.

The Canestan Combi Cup group stage matches will be played over five game weeks between now and the February transfer window.

In each game week two teams will compete head to head. The team that scores the most goals in that week will claim three points.

League table

Week 10 - 6 November 2012 — Week 10 – 6 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	0
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
4	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	31	4
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	31	0
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	28	1
7	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	24	0
9	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	0
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	0
11	Woking	Mike	23	0
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	1
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	0
18	Just put Carles	Carles	15	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	14	0
20	Piedmonte	Phil	7	0

50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned — Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012 — Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	43	3
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	33	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
5	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	2
6	Woking	Mike	28	1
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	24	0
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	19	2
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	1
16	Greendale Rockets	Stu	17	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0

Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax — Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team	Gaps	Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir	Five	£73.5m
Woking	Seven	£60m
Bala Rinas	Five	£52.5m
FC Testiculadew	Four	£51m
Pikey Scum	Four	£51.5m
PSV Mornington	Seven	£45m
Headless Chickens	Four	£44m
Northern Monkeys	Two	£40m
Dynamo Charlton	Three	£38m
Still Don’t Know Yet	Two	£36m
Hairy Fadjeetas	Two	£36.5m
Greendale Rockets	Four	£31m
Spartak Mogadishu	Three	£28.5m
Newington Reds	Four	£26m
Sporting Lesbian	Three	£26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers	Two	£25.5m
Piedmonte	Four	£25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds	Four	£16m
Judean Peoples’ Front	Four	£19m