Still Don’t Know Yet

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: Domestic debut (entered The Olisadebe Euro 2012)

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Outlook: After a warm-up 12th in the Olisadebe in the summer, this was a chance to stamp some authority on the domestic game but the SDKY manager already finds himself under considerable pressure. Not content with being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, and hence have the services of missing reserve player from the Cameroon Olympic women’s team Drusille Ngako between the sticks, the SDKY boss unsuccessfully appealed against a controversial decision to remove defender James Collins from his side.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Brambling ruling

Ngako, D (B) AWOL £1m
Jagielka, P EVE £7.5m
Ferdinand, A QPR £4m
Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
Ferguson, S (B) NEW £1m
McAnuff, J REA £18m
Gerrard, S LIV £15m
Cattermole, L SUN £2.5m
Morrison, J WBA £2.5m
van Persie, R MUN £35m
Kone, A WIG £19m
 Total £109m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Jenkinson, C ARS £13m Pogatetz, E WHM £3.5m
O’Neil, G WHM £0.5m McAnuff, J REA £18m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Evans, J MUN £5m Jenkinson, C ARS £13m
Balotelli, M MCY £23m Kone, A WIG £19m
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Northern Monkeys

Manager: Hugo (Tyneside)

Twitter name: @Hugeist

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Newcastle

Darts music: How You Like Me Now? – The Heavy

Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Friedel, B TOT £0.5m
Hangeland, B FUL £11m
Distin, S EVE £6m
Bassong, S NOR £30m
Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Cleverley, T MUN £8.5m
deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Cazorla, S ARS £7.5m
Gardner, C SUN £5m
Dzeko, E MCY £1.5m
Cisse, P NEW £15m
 Total £119m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Terry, J CHE £14m Bassong, S NOR £30m
McAnuff, J AVL £9.5m deGuzman, J SWA £20m
Park, J CHE £6m Gardner, C SUN £5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Pearce, A REA £3m Ridgewell, L WBA £14m
Delph, F (B) AVL £7.5m McAnuff, J REA £9.5m
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Spartak Mogadishu

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe – The Captain Pugwash theme

Outlook: There were always concerns that the Mog manager’s haphazard approach to auction tactics would overshadow his campaign and, one or two players aside, they appear well founded. Midfield linchpin Luka Modric left for Spain hours after the Pirates signed him, leaving a dressing room bubbling with poor temperament, untested talent and indifferent previous.

Surprisingly, no Brambles.

Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £15m
Shawcross, R STO £11m
Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Riether, S FUL £0.5m
Lallana, A SOT £14m
Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Nolan, K WHM £5m
Taarabt, A QPR £1m
Lukaku, R WBA £14m
Benteke, C AVL £35m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m Reina, P LIV £0.5m
Shelvey, J ARS £11m Gosling, D (B) NEW £19.5m
Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m Benteke, C AVL £35m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Krul, T NEW £21m Pollitt, M (B) WIG £11m
Koscielny, L ARS £17m Bramble, T SUN £0.5m
Modric, L RMA £1m Shelvey, J LIV £11m
Campbell, F SUN £0.5m Ameobi, Shola NEW £0.5m
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Newington Reds

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 3rd

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Forever Young – Alphaville

Outlook: Fans of the club were resigned to the manager’s lack of silverware at this level, but after some competent signings at auction expectation is growing in N5. Light in midfield, but with the potential for goals from defence and up front, could this finally be their year?

No Brambles.

Howard, T EVE £8m
Samba, C QPR £17m
Vermaelen, T ARS £17m
Kolorov, A MCY £0.5m
Smalling, C MUN £0.5m
Sessegnon, S SUN £6.5m
Jarvis, M WHM £7.5m
Sissoko, M NEW £14m
Adam, C STO £0.5m
Sturridge, D LIV £43m
Long, S WBA £1.5m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Skrtel, M LIV £17m Samba, C QPR £17m
Rangel, A SWA £3m Kolorov, A MCY £0.5m
Mulumbu, Y WBA £1.5m Sissoko, M NEW £14m
Torres, F CHE £37m Sturridge, D LIV £43m
Adebayor, E TOT £1m Long, S WBA £1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Nelsen, R QPR £0.5m Smalling, C MUN £0.5m
Etherington, M STO £6m Sessegnon, S SUN £6.5m
Miyaichi, R WIG £5.5m Jarvis, M WHM £7.5m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m Adam, C STO £0.5m
Dembele, M TOT £2.5m Adebayor, E TOT £1m
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Sporting Lesbian

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: The Beverly Hills Cop theme

Outlook: Picked up the auction’s bargain Sergio Aguero for £12m, although devastating capabilities of the front two may be curtailed by casual racism. Very creative in midfield, but yet to be seen if Charles N’Somnia wakes up this term. No Brambles.

Foster, B WBA £6.5m
Gibbs, K ARS £15m
Santon, D NEW £4m
Wilson, M STO £2m
Figueroa, M WIG £0.5m
Diame, M WHM £10m
Ramirez, G SOT £5.5m
Holtby, L TOT £19m
Michu SWA £2.5m
Suarez, L LIV £36m
Aguero, S MCY £12m
Total £113m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Granero, E QPR £5.5m Diame, M WHM £10m
Sandro TOT £0.5m Holtby, L TOT £19m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sessegnon, S SUN £13m Granero, E QPR £16m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £6.5m Ramirez, G SOT £5.5m
Marin, M CHE £0.5m Sandro TOT £0.5m
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Woking

Manager: Mike (Surrey)

Twitter name: @mister76mike

Since: Debut

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: You’re the best around – Joe Esposito

Outlook: Tentative debut auction for the Woking manager, with dogged pursuit of Sorensen and Ireland raising eyebrows in some quarters. Twitter lawyers stood down after frozen snack expert Rio Ferdinand lost on a Bramble and replaced by Gabriel Tamas. Micah Richards sidelined with injury for a month.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Krul, T NEW £4m
Baines, L EVE £22m
Cameron, G STO £5m
Scharner, P WIG £16m
Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Ramsey, A ARS £1m
Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Downing, S LIV £6.5m
Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Torres, F CHE £30m
Holt, G NOR £20m
£118.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Vlaar, R AVL £6m Cameron, G STO £5m
Richards, M MCY £12m Scharner, P WIG £16m
Larsson, S SUN £9m Huddlestone, T (B) TOT £5m
Allen, J LIV £7m Downing, S LIV £6.5m
     
Long, S WBA £30m Torres, F CHE £30m
Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m Holt, G NOR £20m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Sorensen, T STO £4m Krul, T NEW £4m
Tamas, G (B) WBA £5.5m Vlaar, R AVL £6m
Santos, A ARS £2.5m Baird, C FUL £0.5m
Cabeye, Y NEW £17m Ramsey, A ARS £1m
 
Ireland, S AVL £7m Benayoun, Y WHM £8.5m
Sharp, B SOT £1.5m Long, S WBA £30m
Hernandez, J MUN £5.5m Hoilett, J QPR £3.5m
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Gone in 60 seconds

Empty buffet
Blink and it’s over: Last night’s buffet does an excellent impression of the JPC boss

POLICE have stepped up their search for the Just Put Carles manager who went missing during last night’s auction.

Discovered to be wearing an official London 2012 T-shirt, and hence being liable to buy the committee a round of drinks, the JPC boss was last seen receding faster than Usain Bolt’s hairline.

The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.

Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.

It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.

“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.

There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.

“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Teams will be published here over the coming week.

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The Chairman’s auction night top tips

Chairman with Averna
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”

WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.

Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.

In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.

“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.

The Chairman’s top tips

Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.

Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.

Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.

Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.

Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.

Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.

A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.

Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.

A few other items of note:

  • Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
  • Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
  • Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
  • No Batman suits.
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Missing Cameroon keeper named in forfeit squad

African football pitch
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad

THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.

Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.

However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.

“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.

The hunt for the most mediocre players in the Premier League started a month ago and has claimed 16 footballers, including some names from big clubs.

“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.

Titus Bramble squad

Goalkeeper

Drusille Ngako (free agent)

Defenders

Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)

Midfielders

Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)

Strikers

Marouane Chamakh (Arsenal)
Bebe (Man U)
Apostolos Vellios (Everton)
Callum McManaman (Wigan)
Leroy Lita (Swansea)

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Premier League auction to be tweeted live

Director of Wry Tweets
Garlic bread?: New committee member relishes access to the executive Daewoo

FOR THE very first time the annual Kenna League auction is to be tweeted live.

Household names such as Wayne Rooney, Sergio Aguero and Ricardo Vaz Te will go under the hammer next Wednesday in a City of London pub.

Kenna HQ initially tweeted the Emmanuel Olisadebe auction live ahead of Euro 2012, but this is the first time the domestic season, now in its eighth year, will be broadcast to the world.

“We saw the overwhelming wave of reaction to the Olisadebe tweets and we’re pleased to bring the experience of  the Kenna to globe absolutely free of charge,” said the Chairman, referring to his bar bill and the three extra followers gained during the Euro 2012 auction night.

Follow the Kenna live on @jeffkennaleague from 7pm on Wednesday 15 August.

In preparation for the auction, the committee have appointed the Hairy Fadjeetas manager Director of Wry Tweets.

“The overriding reason I’ve accepted this position is because it brings access to the league’s executive Daewoo,” said the new addition to the committee, before shrugging that he probably won’t be able stay to the end of the evening.

The Fadges boss was chosen after his tweeting at the Olisadebe. Some of his wryest offerings from that fateful evening can be found below.

Global economic woes summed up in a bid for French school gates botherer Franck Ribery:

Debt tweet

The prospect of two ageing strikers taking on Europe’s elite:

Keane and Sheva tweet

Glib account of the Kenna’s first mid-auction resignation after a Bramble led to the loss of Dutch gnome Arjen Robben (from the bottom up):

Toys out of the pram

Phonetic German side by side with an intimate moment:

Fag and handjob tweet

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