RUNNING a football league allows few moments of comedy, especially at Kenna HQ.
But one small pleasure, amongst the endless committee meetings about goal-line technology and the appropriate amount of chutney in the boardroom cheese and pickle sandwiches, is the things that the good old general public want to find when they stumble across your website.
Take Mary Poppins. A Victorian pillar of respectability capable of silencing even the most incongruous of audiences with a single glance.
A more useful asset to any organisation could not be hoped.
Idle speculation aside, no one at Kenna HQ had ever felt so inclined to dwell upon what happened below Miss Poppins’ petticoats as to conduct a more detailed enquiry.
Perhaps they should, as there appears to be a niche market out there.
You can delete your cookies, but you can’t hide them from Jeff.
FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.
The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.
The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.
And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.
With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.
Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.
Fjord defence: JPF boss was quick to refute lookalike claims
DESPITE goals from Robin Van Persie and Ramires this week, Judean Peoples’ Front are yet again struggling to maintain their public image.
The club’s press office was sent into overdrive as world events came crashing through the door of the Kenna and right into the mid-table club.
As millions of people watched the trial of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik it dawned. He looks remarkably like the JPF manager.
The media immediately began drawing parallels. The remorselessness shown by the Bond villain henchman-esque Scandinavian was likened to that of the JPF boss during the Ashley Williams transfer affair.
Eager to avoid a repeat of that last PR disaster, the JPF boss was quick to call a press conference.
“Now look here, I may have told the odd ginger joke and don’t get me started on the bloody English, but I share none of Breivik’s extremist views on multiculturalism,” said the manager of the team with one of the fewest black minority ethnic players in the league.
Comments made by the JPC manager at a post-match interview on Wednesday evening ignited the row.
“N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires!” fumed the JPC boss, in a language only a handful of people understand, when asked what it was like to be below PSV for the first time in the season.
Yesterday morning’s front cover of Sport, Catalonia’s best-selling sports daily, featured a cartoon depicting the PSV boss trying to lure passers by into an empty stadium.
“Tallo el bacallà!”
The PSV manager’s response was unequivocal. Interviewed through the window of his Continental city car arriving at work yesterday he said: “Sabràs dos i dos quants fan. Està tocat del bolet. Tallo el bacallà!”
By Thursday lunchtime, the quote was all over the news. Photoshopped pictures of the JPC boss eating cod and mushrooms went viral.
“Ets un somiatruites i un tap de bassa!,” said the JPC manager emerging from his afternoon siesta when quizzed by reporters about his rival Catalan’s comments.
Mexican stand-off
Late Thursday evening, the PSV boss was forced to abandon his customary, midnight, family paella to address the rabble of hacks assembled outside his house.
“No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna,” is all he would explain to Sky Sports News while eating a suspiciously-large piece of nougat and making a flicking gesture with his thumb and front teeth.
Even though just five points separate the two teams, both managers repeatedly refuse to acknowledge they are in a ‘Mexican stand-off’ for 12th place.
They outrageously claim the British media are ‘portraying negative stereotypes of Hispanic culture’.
As the Kenna moves into the final month of the season, the spat appears far from over.
Quick guide to Catalan idioms
N’hi ha per llogar-hi cadires! > You could even rent chairs with this!
(I can’t believe it / this is incredible – in a negative context)
Sabràs dos i dos quants fan > you know what two and two make
(There will be consequences if I do not get my way)
Està tocat del bolet > He is touched by the mushroom
(He is crazy)
Tallo el bacallà > I cut the cod
(I’m in a position of power)
Ets un somiatruites > He is an omelette dreamer
(He is a daydreamer)
No sabeu el pa que s’hi dóna > You do not know the bread that is given
(You do not really know what is this about)
For more information about Catalan idioms and the region itself visit All about Catalonia.
We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.
In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.
Spoonful of sugar: Balotelli has Polonia boss walking on air
ROBERTO Mancini may be critical of the performance, but Mario Balotelli certainly put a smile on the face of his Kenna manager on Saturday.
Turning his shots into more success than Gavin Henson on a morning flight to Cardiff, the maverick striker’s 12 points have lifted Polonia Forsyth to a good position in the relegation fight.
The bottom-placed club now lie just 27 points off salvation; roughly equal to two ‘troubled’ Balotelli performances.
“I’d snog Gavin, marry lovely Mario and avoid that sourpuss Roberto,” said the Polonia boss when asked how she copes with the pressure of the drop zone.
Meanwhile, Kenna HQ insist there’s still plenty to be excited about at the top of the table despite the growing inevitability of FC Testiculadew and Lokomotiv Leeds‘ first and second places.
“This morning we had a three-hour item at the board meeting about whether we should put little arrows on next season’s table graphic to indicate changing league positions. It’s all work, work, work,” said the Chairman before disappearing to the golf course for the afternoon.
This weekend sees the Cannestan Combi Cup semi final first leg.
Rugs whacked: Hairy Fadjeetas moved both out of the relegation zone and into the cup semis
PAPISS Demba Cisse notched two goals as his team swaggered into the top half of the table.
Gareth Bale and Matt Jarvis added two more, while Sylvan Distin picked up two clean sheets in a bumper week for Spartak Mogadishu.
“Blistering barnacles!” said the Spartak boss, as balaclava-clad men carrying MP5s abseiled through his cabin windows and cable-tied his hands behind his back. “All this for a bunch of flip flops.”
Chickens will have to navigate their way past an unlikely Hairy Fadjeetas in the semis. The Fadges also clawed their way out of the relegation zone this week.
Kenna reigning champions Young Boys have now been knocked out of the cup and are struggling in the title race.
PSV Mornington will be hoping to make something of their season by overcoming FCT.
Strawberry fields: ginger warrior Bogdan watches another Spurs offensive fizzle out
QUIBBLES about value for money at top-flight English football matches were set aside for 10 days in north London.
For as little as £34 a ticket, the spectator was treated not just to a competitive 40 minutes of football abruptly ended by an ‘I was there’ life-time pub story, but a further match last night of great goalkeeping in the face of wave after wave of Spurs attack.
The first half belonged to ‘magic Magyar’ Adam Bogdan, whose acrobatic feats between the sticks were enough to keep out a dominant, yet leggy, Tottenham onslaught.
Bolton had little of the ball, but remained compact enough. It’s not just the journalist band wagon, without Lennon on the right and Bale hugging the left, Spurs looked out of sorts.
The second half began in much the same fashion. Modric and Bale dominated possession in midfield, but clear chances for Adebayor and van der Vaart were swatted away by the impressive, ginger Hungarian.
It was only after Jermaine Defoe replaced the jaded Scott Parker that pressure turned into goals.
An excellent van der Vaart free kick that hit the crossbar aside, Tottenham’s set pieces were distinctly underwhelming. Ironically, it was from a corner that the Lillywhites went ahead in the 74th minute. Kiwi veteran Ryan Nelsen nodded in his first for his new club.
Having not registered a victory in all competitions since a replay win against Stevenage, the atmosphere at White Hart Lane palpably relaxed when Bale found himself clear to notch the second.
The Spurs faithful were rolling out the Wembley chants when Kevin Davies netted a surprise comeback goal for Bolton in 90th minute.
Their nerves were calmed when Louis Saha bent one around Bogdan in the last minute of stoppage time. By his substitution choices and overall game plan, Owen Coyle gave the impression he’d rather concentrate on staying the Premier League anyway.
Of course, we all clapped before the match to recognise the efforts of the medical staff who attended Fabrice Muamba. Thankfully, the game didn’t turn into a reverential procession it could have done.
Harry Redknapp does need to pull his team’s finger out. They played a lot better when his dog was up at Southwark Crown for tax evasion…
Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres
FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.
Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.
A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.
“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.
The immediate treatment the 23-year-old midfielder received, as well as early access to a defibrillator, should give him the best chances of survival.
Up to then the match had all the chip and charge of an FA Cup tie.
Bolton took the lead in opening minutes through unsigned Darren Pratley.
Just Put Carles defender Kyle Walker responded with a sumptious hanging header at the back post, delivered from Spartak Mogadishu winger Gareth Bale’s cross.
Kenna HQ have called an extraordinary meeting with the FA to decide whether points from this match will count.
The Chairman said: “We wish Fabrice all the best.”
