Search for official Euros auction pub announced

The official Kenna gavel — Hammered: The perfect auction venue must have a bar

Media release

16 March 2012

‘Perfect’ London pub sought for auction night
Competition named as Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

KENNA HQ launched plans for this summer’s European Cup by announcing the search for the ‘perfect’ London pub to hold the auction.

Set for the evening of Thursday 31 May, the auction will involve no more than 16 managers battling it out for honours in the newly-named 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

Speaking from an ornamental fountain in the Middle East, the Kenna Chairman said: “We like our football auctions with a pint, and by pint I mean a pint of beer, so we’re looking for a central London pub with an upstairs bit or sort of funtion room we can use for an evening.

“We’ve used a few other adequate venues in the past, but we still haven’t found the perfect pub. We need an area where 16 managers can sit around a table with a steady flow of draft premium lager and without competing for noise with the uninitiated.

“If you know a pub that meets the criteria get in touch.”

The criteria

Central London pub
Space for 16 managers to sit around a table/s
Wi-fi available
Ready access to food and drinks
The Kenna is a not-for-profit organisation so cannot offer payment, but can offer some very thirsty patrons.

Please send suggestions to [email protected] or tweet @jeffkennaleague using #bestlondonpub

The Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup

Kenna HQ announced the name of the competition as the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe European Cup.

The Chairman said: “We’re absolutely delighted to have Emmanuel as our figurehead. His 11 goals in 25 appearances for Poland made him the stand-out candidate.

“Being an organisation proud of its diversity, we hope to use the tournament as an opportunity to highlight all that is multicultural about Poland, Ukraine and football itself; just like FIFA are doing with the 2022 Qatar World Cup.”

The competition will be limited to 16 teams. In the event that more managers wish to pick up the gauntlet, entry preference will be given to managers in the following order:

Kenna commitee members (x3)
Managers finishing highest in this season’s domestic league
Founding Kenna members
Other former Kenna managers
Ruud Gullit

Charm offensive

Champagne manager, beer football: Seduction are failing to woo supporters

FACES don’t come much more egg-stained than that of the Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Ever since the pre-season name change fiasco, the DTS boss has been struggling to impress.

His team have occupied the relegation zone for much of the campaign and £26m, one-goal Florent Malouda is a prime candidate for big money flop of the season.

“There have been positives, like the form of Sebastian Larsson,” said the Seduction gaffer to a young female reporter who’d come to his office to interview him for the local rag.

“But let’s not get bogged down in the nitty gritty, shall we?” he continued, dimming his office lights, putting on some Barry White and uncorking a bottle of Asda’s own champagne.

“You know, managing a team in the Kenna is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman.

“To be successful you’ve got to keep hammering it in the goal right to the end. And make sure things are nice and tight at the back.”

The Seduction boss had by now poured two glasses and moved around to sit on the desk very close to the journalist, leaning over her.

“I sense that you’re nervous. Is this your first big assignment?” he said, handing her a drink.

She rolled her eyes. “Actually no. I interviewed George Elokobi a couple of weeks ago. He told me how glad he was to be rid of this place. We drew straws in the office to see who would interview you.”

“I see you have spirit. Football can be a hard game. Have you much experience?” as he said this he toasted her and took a sip.

“Listen. I’ve to get a story filed in two hours. I think I’ve got enough here. You’ll probably get spiked for the story about a Headless Chickens defender turning up for training in nothing but a pair of comedy breasts anyway,” she said, putting down her glass and leaving.

The Seduction boss spent a few moments sitting on his desk after she left. Eventually he got up.

“Damn!” he said, looking at the untouched drink. “That’s another roofie wasted.”

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Release Bryan!

Life of Brian — Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

The real Super Pav

Cossack dance — Cossack caper: Pavel Pogrebnyak's having a party

PAVEL Pogrebnyak continued his emergence as one of the surprise packages of the season after adding a perfect hat-trick to his goal tally.

The striker’s heroics have Headless Chickens, whose ability to score was once in doubt, knocking on the door of the top four.

Theo Walcott’s return to form has also been welcome, while recent-signing Ashley Williams is having the last laugh after his unceremonious January exit from Judean Peoples’ Front.

The Chickens manager is now enjoying a similar fortunes to his sibling’s team FC Testiculadew.

Clint Dempsey chalked up two more goals, Rooney one and Szczesny made a penalty save, as FCT extended their lead at the top to 131 points.

The FCT and Chickens managers are fast becoming known as ‘The Mitchell Brothers of the Kenna’.

“If we catch any other managers giving it the Barry after a few in the Queen Vic, they’ll find themselves tied up in the Arches with a shooter in their Chevy and claret on their whistle,” said the Chickens and FCT gaffers in a joint statement.

Mario me!

Mario Balotelli has been urged to get married after being docked two weeks’ wages for visiting a strip joint two days before a match.

The manager of crisis-club Polonia Forsyth made the plea to improve the striker’s form on the pitch.

“Marry me, Mario,” she said before the Italian revealed he was wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words ‘Why always me?‘

Download a full breakdown of the scores from the ‘Details’ box on the right hand side of this page.

Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye

Bottom — Mired bottom: Polonia are in crisis

Mario Balotelli finding the net was the only glimmer of hope in another sorry week for crisis-club Polonia Forsyth.

Despite the manager’s startling battle cry a few weeks ago, the club have occupied last place since January.

“I’m fair plucked from telling the lads to ‘keep the heid or I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug’, but they nae respond,” said the Polonia Forsyth boss.

The side also failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup which gets underway today.

The Bala Rinas manager, who also didn’t qualify, will be particularly happy he’s no longer staking his season on cup success. Laurent Koscielny has just scored an own goal.

Another day in paradise

Points: Steven Gerrard began to warrant his £26.5m price tag

Steven Gerrard emerged as player of the week in a competition that, remarkably, wasn’t a bar brawl.

The Just Put Carles midfielder picked up four assists as the opposition imploded, scoring just as many own goals.

For a side boasting David Silva and Kyle Walker, JPC are having an indifferent season.

“A top-four finish would be a trophy for us,” said a resigned JPC boss, as David Haye burst into the press conference and put on some Phil Collins.

Superfuzz made the best fist of a quiet week.

Striker Luis Suarez missed a penalty, but netted and provided to help them into the top four.

“Top four, bottom four: who cares? We just want to beat Pikey Scum,” said the Fuzz manager.

Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final — Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

King Louis and the Bent pauper

King Louis XIII — King Louis: magnificent week for Saha

Thieving Magpies catapulted out of the drop zone as new signing Louis Saha racked up 18 points.

The struggling club are now basking in the relative sunshine of mid-table mediocrity.

Costing just half a million pounds in the last transfer window, King Louis’ contribution in just one week equates to almost a fifth of £32m Darren Bent’s total score this season.

“Darren’s doing a job for us,” said the Theiving Magpies manager, handing his striker a shopping list.

Some pundits have suggested Pies’ springboard into mid table only shows how many teams are in danger of relegation.

‘Sub-human scum’

Luis Suarez’s latest antics ended with his manager issuing an apology for comments made in a post-match interview.

The Superfuzz striker refused to shake hands with Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra before Saturday’s game.

Asked afterwards what he made of the incident, the Superfuzz manager called Sky Sports reporter Geoff Shreeves ‘bang out of order’.

“Handshake? What handshake?” said a confused-looking Fuzz manager. “I didn’t see anything like that. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

“Why would he shake Evra’s hand? He’s Scum. Sub-human Scum. You’re bang out of order, pal.”

Open to ridicule

The Vasco De Beauvoir manager has been criticised for his reaction to Steven N’Zonzi’s first goal of the season.

Visibly ecstatic when the midfielder scored at the weekend, the Vasco boss hastily arranged an open-top bus tour of De Beauvoir to celebrate.

Hackney Council received three official complaints after the bus held up traffic in the area around Southgate Road on Tuesday morning.

One onlooker said: “This guy smoking a cigar and swigging a bottle of champagne had his arm around N’Zonzi on the top deck and was cheering at some young mum’s with pushchairs. To be honest there weren’t many people around.”

A local shopkeeper said: “All the players looked really awkward, especially N’Zonzi. They seemed a bit embarrassed that London bus drivers were shouting at them to get out of the way.”

Houston, we have a problem

Ramsey strike takes out pop diva
‘We were aiming for Syrian leader’ says Dynamo boss

Bullseye: Ramsey boasts a better conversion rate than Victor Moses

Aaron Ramsey received the full backing of his manager today after mistakenly killing Whitney Houston.

The Dynamo Charlton midfielder’s 75th-minute strike on Saturday sounded the death knell for the troubled pop singer.

The diva is Ramsey’s fourth scalp. His previous three goals spelled the end of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, Apple boss Steve Jobbs and African tyrant Colonel Gaddafi.

In an eyebrow-raising press conference, the Dyanmo Charlton boss claimed the strike didn’t hit its intended target, but he’d have his player working extra hard in training to make up for it.

“We saw the job Aaron did taking out Bin Laden for the Americans last May and we knew then he’d be a good investment,” said the Dyanmo gaffer to stunned silence.

“If I told you that before the summer auction we’d pick him up for £2m, you’d never have believed me.

“Considering his awareness on the ball, his passing ability and the money Bill Gates was offering for Jobbs, there ain’t no way I was going to miss out on signing him.”

Assad day for soul

As journalists’ jaws hit the floor, the Dyanmo manager revealed that having successfully eliminated Colonel Gaddafi for the Libyan National Transitional Council, the club was approached by the United Nations.

“After hitting some red tape with the Russians and Chinese, the UN asked us to take care of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. Sadly, Whitney copped it instead. I suppose it was just one of those days.

“I said to Aaron after the game ‘I believe in you and me’, and we’ll be working extra hard this week in training,” the Dynamo boss said.

Fine

Under club rules, Ramsey will get have to cough up £50 towards the end-of-season party for missing the target.

“What can I say?” said the manager, shrugging his shoulders.”He’s hit three in four attempts.

“That’s a lot better than Victor Moses.”

Elokobi leaves Seduction on loan

Nottingham Forest have signed The Dan Terry Seduction left-back George Elokobi on loan until the end of the season.

The 26-year-old Cameroonian has scored only 18 points for the struggling club this season, with just three starts in the Kenna League.

Elokobi told BBC Radio Nottingham: “It hasn’t worked out for me this season. There’s just not enough to eat in the club canteen.”

The defender’s departure leaves the Seduction in a bitter fight against relegation.

“We hoped the fuss around the England job would distract the media from this embarrassing development,” said the Seduction boss.

“We’re doomed. The only thing left for us to do now is stash as much complimentary Kenna stationery as possible into the lock-up before our official relegation at the end of the season,” he continued, while backing the club’s Bedford Rascal into a Dalston industrial estate.