Sky Sports News declare England phoney war

Gas masks
Kenna HQ is issuing protective equipment to managers until the England post is filled

Fabio Capello plunged domestic matters into chaos this week by resigning from the England post.

As managers tried to galvanise their teams after the transfer window, rolling sports news went into an unsettling overdrive.

The FC Testiculadew boss was the first to have his south London home surrounded by roving reporters.

“We’re over a hundred points in front, so it’s no time to be complacent and I’m totally focused on the league,” he said, which according to anchor Mike Wedderburn meant he’d not ruled himself out of the England job.

The cameras cut to Yorkshire, where the Lokomotiv Leeds gaffer had been stopped from driving to training by Geoff Shreeves.

“Yes, Geoff, many would say signing Phil Bardsely does show a lack of ambition, but I see it as a positive step towards catching the leaders,” answered the Lokomotiv boss from his car window, before checking his phone, most likely for missed calls from the FA, affirmed Shreeves afterwards.

Even foreigners can’t escape. Still.

In his weekly PSV Mornington press conference, the manager was explicit.

“¡Me cago en la leche!” he said, which after some deliberation studio translators confirmed meant ‘I’m working up my CV’.

Amongst the haitus, the Chairman issued a message to managers.

“Until a new England manager is appointed, it’s important that we all keep calm and carry on,” he said, before thinking that if you printed those words on mugs and T-shirts, in an ironic sort of way, it could really catch on.

Weekly scores - 9 February 2012
Weekly scores - 9 February 2012
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Polonia Forsyth (second window)

Manager: Miss Claire Forsyth (SCO)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Aberdeen, Spurs

Vorm, M SWA £0.5m
Vidic, N MUN £27m
Coloccini, F NEW £5m
Dunne, R AVL £5m
Neville, P EVE  £0.5m
Watson, B WIG £0.5m
Arteta, M ARS £12m
Petrov, M BOL £6m
Delap, R STO £10m
Balotelli, M MCY £25m
Hoilett, D BLR £0.5m
    £93.5m
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Superfuzz (second window)

Manager: Mr Pete Edwards

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Southampton

Krul, T NEW £0.5m
Kyrgiakos, S SUN £0.5m
Baines, L EVE £11m
Ivanovic, B CHE £0.5m
Dawson, M TOT £0.5m
Nani MUN £32m
Johnson, A MCY £9.5m
Dyer, N SWA £0.5m
Petrov, S AVL £0.5m
Holt, G NOR £3.5m
Suarez, L LIV £28m
£87m
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Thieving Magpies (second window)

Manager: Mr Phil Davis (ENG)

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trohpy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Notts County

Robinson, P BLR £4m
Terry, J CHE £28m
Lescott, J MCY £10m
Agger, D LIV £10m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Sidwell, S FUL £0.5m
Gibson, D EVE £1m
Pennant, J STO £0.5m
Park, Ji-Sung MUN £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £32m
Saha, L TOT £0.5m
£99m
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PSV Mornington (second window)

Manager: Mr Ramon Pons Condom (CAT)

Since: 2009

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Barcelona

de Gea, D MUN £16m
Ferdinand, A QPR £7m
Cuellar, C AVL £2m
Brown, W SUN £6m
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £28m
Murphy, D FUL £12m
Ben Arfa, H NEW £0.5m
Song, A ARS £3m
Defoe, J TOT £12m
Carroll, A LIV £6m
£93m
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Headless Chickens (second window)

Manager: Mr John Norris (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Liverpool

Mignolet, S SUN £6m
Huth, R STO £1m
Williams, A SWA £9m
Clichy, G MCY £8.5m
Johnson, R WLV £4.5m
Adam, C LIV £10m
Pedersen, M BLR £9m
Walcott, T ARS £17m
Parker, S TOT £6.5m
Pogrebnyak, P FUL £15m
Morison, S NOR £11m
£97.5m
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Pikey Scum (second window)

Manager: Mr Jack Bowley

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point

Sympathies: Spurs

Sorensen, T STO £0.5m
Evra, P MUN £18.5m
Johnson, G LIV £0.5m
Richards, M MCY £8.5m
Bassong, S WLV £0.5m
Drenthe, R EVE £1m
Gutierrez, J NEW £2.5m
Eagles, C BOL £1.5m
Meireles, R CHE £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £43m
Cisse, D QPR £13m
£90m
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Judean Peoples’ Front (second window)

Manager: Mr Sholto Gilbertson (WAL)

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Manchester United

Ruddy, J (B) NOR £0.5m
Heitinga, J EVE £8m
Gallas, W TOT £10m
Toure, K MCY £7m
Upson, M STO £4m
Scholes, P MUN £0.5m
Duff, D FUL £8m
N’Zogbia, C AVL £0.5m
Ramires CHE £9.5m
van Persie, R ARS £38.5m
Bellamy, C LIV £0.5m
£87m
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Hairy Fadjeetas (second window)

Manager: Mr Aiden Brisland (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Hennessey, W WLV £4m
Evans, J MUN £7.5m
Jagielka, P EVE £14.5m
Taylor, N SWA £0.5m
Givet, G BLR £3.5m
Etherington, M STO £12.5m
Lennon, A TOT £8.5m
Downing, S LIV £0.5m
Morrison, J WBA £0.5m
Torres, F CHE £27.5m
Ruiz, B FUL £2m
£81.5m
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Bala Rinas (second window)

Manager: Mr Seimon Lewis

Since: 2006

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Wrexham

Freidel, B TOT £4m
Luiz, D CHE £21m
Carragher, J LIV £9m
Rangel, A (B) SWA £1.5m
Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Sessegnon, S SUN £2m
Milner, J MCY £7m
Valencia, A MUN £0.5m
Pienaar, S EVE £12m
The Yak BLR £16m
Agbonlahor, G AVL £10m
£86m
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