The Jeff Kenna League – Page 82 – The world's leading London pub-based fantasy football league

Cannestan Combinations

Groups after four rounds — Only five teams know their cup destiny

Two teams qualified to the knockout stages of the Cannestan Combi Cup with a game to spare.

Dynamo Charlton and Headless Chickens progressed from their respective groups this week after winning all three of their opening fixtures.

Just Put Carles, Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu have all been eliminated. The latter two without scoring a single group-stage point.

The last group game results will be published in a fortnight. Here are the permutations:

Group A

Vasco De Beauvoir rely on the small miracle of beating Hairy Fadjeetas by 15 points and hoping Lokomotiv Leeds lose to a strongly-placed Young Boys of Kilburn.

Group B

Bala Rinas or Polonia Forsyth can go through, but only if one of them wins by a country mile and Newington Reds lose by one to Headless Chickens.

Group C

Having played all their games, Superfuzz will be hoping PSV Mornington lose to Dynamo Charlton. The Dan Terry Seduction need to slay Spartak Mogadishu to have any chance.

Group D

Judean Peoples’ Front need a Herculean effort against Lurliners and in-form FC Testiculadew to be taken to task by Pikey Scum.

Rules clarification

If two teams finish the group stage on equal cup points and points difference, then whoever won the game between those two teams will go through. If that game was a draw, then the team with the most points ‘For’ will be deemed to be ahead.

If two teams finish with the same cup points, points difference, ‘For’ points and they drew their fixture, a tie break at the transfer night will decide the winner.

How fast can you neck a pint?

What the Deuce!

FCT press conference — Testiculadew: health concerns marred post-match celebrations

A Clint Dempsey hat-trick put FC Testiculadew back on top of the Kenna in spectacular fashion.

Known as ‘Deuce’ during his keepy-uppy, rapping forays into the American ‘hood, Dempsey’s dope performance has left the FCT manager trippin’.

Commenting on his team’s emphatic week from a drop-top Cadillac full of b1tches driving at 5mph, da gaffer said: “FCT is the wickedest. Kenna say I’m pussy? I dare you to stick your dick in this.

“If I was pussy I’d be filled with syphillis, herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, gettin rid of ya.”

A considerably less-than-fly week for Lokomotiv Leeds has left them 33 points off the lead.

The big mid-season review

: “It’s the Kenna mid-season review, sir. It won’t bite.”

Manager of the month awards
Player of the week tallies
Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Like the initial police investigation into the murder of Stephen Lawrence, the Kenna season’s only half done.

This leaves an opportunity to look back like over the last five months and consider the consequences of that heady night in August.

A bit like someone serving time for looting a bag of Tesco Value rice.

So before Jesse Jackson turns up to call for a more integrated Kenna, let’s get get this show on the road.

Manager of the Month awards

FC Testiculadew’s unprecedented goal scoring from Dzeko and Rooney saw them way out in front of the pack in August and scooping the MOTM prize.

Just Put Carles looked like early-season challengers and picked up the September award, but since then have dropped down the table.

After a slow start, Lokomotiv Leeds’ Sturridge, van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all sparked to help their boss take the October gong

Wholesale changes at the transfer night, including the key signing of the electric Emmanuel Adebayor, allowed the Pikey Scum gaffer to win the November prize.

And in December, even Victor Moses opened his Lokomotiv Leeds account to help the manager cement his side’s place at the top of the table.

MOTM - August to January — Managers and turkeys

As for the Turkeys of the Month, these have also been shared around.

Thus far, only Dynamo Charlton have managed to salvage any pride.

As for the rest, they’ll be fretting over the ‘Managers finishing in the relegation zone must come back at the helm of another club next season’ committee, due to be set up in Kenna HQ this spring.

Player of week tallies

Question: Which managers in the Kenna can bring the individual best out of their players?

Answer: Literally, none of them.

Find below the number of times a manager has coached a player of week.

Just what’s a Yak gotta do around here?

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen brings his brand of punditry to the Kenna:

“Pace. Power. Determination. Lokomotiv Leeds have it all in hatfuls.

“Solid at the back. Tight in midfield. When they get the ball in the final third, they’ve got that killer pass that makes all the difference.

“If I were to describe them in one word, it would be ‘quality’.

“When I was at Liverpool…..”

Okay, Alan, that’s enough. Back to the bar for you.

Performance guide August - January — Compare overall month-by-month performance with other clubs

Lokomotiv steam into 2012

The momentum at Lokomotiv Leeds showed no sign of easing over the festive period.

The side’s midfield engine room came up trumps as Victor Moses, Rafael van der Vaart and Yaya Toure all netted, while Elliot Bennett picked up two assists.

However, it’s thought that Touré’s impending African duty could threaten the balance of the side.

“I do not know how it is going to work. I always said we could have a problem in January. Yaya is an important player for us,” platituded the Lokomotiv boss.

Meanwhile, Judean Peoples’ Front defender Titus Bramble faces a third $exual assault charge.

“This is ridiculous. You should never go out with a loaded weapon,” said an almost-too-relaxed looking JPF manager. “Why can’t the guy just whack off at home before hitting town?”

Chickens Long past their Best

The Headless Chickens manager was left choking on his Christmas leftovers this week as former striker Dimitar Berbatov racked up over double the score of Leon Best and Shane Long.

The Bulgarian hitman scored 23 points over Christmas, while the Chickens’ current front two got 11 between them.

Chickens occupy tenth spot going into the New Year. They would look poised to move up the table, but for a lack of goals: only eight have been scored by the whole side this term.

“I have every confidence in every department of my team to produce the goods, not just Leon and Shane,” squawked the Chickens boss, whose £9m midfielder Pedersen is currently playing at left back.

Meanwhile, Lokomotiv Leeds extended their lead over FC Testiculadew at the top of the table, despite goals from FCT’s Dempsey and Mata.

Vasco De Beauvoir’s awful run of form has landed them in the relegation zone for the first time since before their double-winning 2009/10 season.

“The fans are starting to restless but I’m sure we can answer our critics with results on the pitch,” said the Vasco De Beauvoir gaffer-OUT, while trying to tempt Craig Gardner down from his hiding place in a tree.

Weekly scores - 29 December 2011 — Christmas was a points bonanza for some

Testiculadew toppled

Having forged what looked like an unassailable lead by September, FC Testiculadew have lost the top spot to Lokomotiv Leeds.

The northern club have mounted a growing challenge in recent weeks due to strong showings from Rafa Van der Vaart, Yaya Touré and Daniel Sturridge.

It was a goal and clean sheet from Slovak Martin Skrtel that made the difference this weekend as Lokomotiv pipped FCT at the table top by three points.

However, a dark shadow hangs over Leeds’ title hopes as Yaya Touré could be off to Africa.

Another dark shadow hangs over other parts of the Kenna in the form of rac1sm. Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez was handed an eight-match ban for comments made to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Thieving Magpies are also set to face more woe as defender John Terry is expected to be charged with rac1sm.

“I don’t understand it, you couldn’t meet a nicer guy,” lied the ‘Pies boss.

The Cup of No Hope

The lower echelons of the table have never been a bad place to be, so long as there’s the good chance to get on a bit of cup run.

Sadly, this is not the case for any managers in this season’s Kenna, where two of teams in the relegation zone have also scored nil points in the Cannestan Combi Cup.

Heads may be nearing the block at Thieving Magpies and Spartak Mogadishu.

Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux — Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.

Cut out for mid-table

PSV coaching staff — The PSV Mornington coaching staff

The PSV Mornington manager stared down at the remains of his arroz con leche and sighed a heavy sigh.

His self-imposed exile of the last few days was not having its desired effect. He’d locked himself in his office and hadn’t seen anyone outside the room since Saturday night.

He turned up his face and spoke slowly: “Just when I was starting to get a run of form together Gary Cahill gets sent off and Frank Lampard misses a penalty. How can I make up the 36 points to climb the next place in the table with most of my team misfiring?”

This short outburst over the PSV manager returned his gloomy gaze to the table.

“I want my team to play with the freedom and the fluidity of yours. How have you made such a team of superstars gel, when I can’t even get Salgado and Wes Brown to spring an offside trap?” he said, as much to his glass of hot chocolate as to anyone else.

Utterly at odds with himself, the PSV boss wiped away a tear before heading to the sofa for this third siesta of the day.

The life-sized, cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola propped against the door stared in silence.

Weekly scores 6 December 2011 — Weekly scores - 6 December 2011

Lazy cup results

A Kenna board member announces the new TV deal — "We'll see you on Thursday, Channel 5"

Kenna HQ announced this week that they’ve sold the Cannestan Combi Cup TV rights to Channel 5.

A glamorous unveiling of the new deal, worth £50 and a 1995 Panini sticker of John Solako playing for Crystal Palace, was made in an exclusive central London venue.

The Chairman said: “Being positive about equal rights, we made sure there was a BME guy on stage when we announced the deal. It’s also good for business in the subcontinent.

“We tried to get John Barnes, but he was booked raising awareness for some cause or other.”

Kenna critics have pointed out that the cup is nothing more than a moneyspinner for the administration, and claim that the publication of last week’s table today shows a lack of committment to the competition.

A press release from Kenna HQ said: “The Chairman’s been so busy flying to Ukraine for the Euro 2012 draw that there simply hasn’t been time to post the results.

“The good news, however, is that the Chairman has successfully met with the president of the Polish FA in Kiev to get some advice on securing new premisis for Kenna HQ.

“In the cup last week some stuff happened. We’re pretty sure no one reads this far down anyway, and there are loads of group games left too, so who cares at this stage?”

Cup groups after game two - 29 November 2011 — Cup groups after two rounds

cup second round

Group A

Group B

Group C

Group D

Manager of the month awards

Player of the week tallies

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide

Manager of the Month awards

Player of week tallies

7. Unsigned (Yakubu x3, Berbatov, Pilkington, Klasnic, Andy Johnson)

2. Newington Reds (Ba x2), Vasco De Beauvoir (Aguero x2), FC Testiculadew (Rooney, Mata)

1. Just Put Carles (Silva), Hairy Fadjeetas (Klasnic), Judean Peoples’ Front (RVP), Superfuzz (Nani), Lokomotiv Leeds (Skrtel)

Hansen’s ‘coloured’ performance guide