A Mata of expedience

A record 75 players were culled this week as managers attempt to improve their team’s chances ahead of tomorrow night’s transfer window.

FC Testiculadew’s Jose Bosingwa and Bala Rinas’s Andrey Asharvin were among the high-profile names to contraversially find a P45 in their pigeonholes yesterday, as their respective managers deemed them surplus to requirements.

“Bosingwa’s made one of his best starts to any season. He has the odd wobble, but in that position he’s the best player we’ve got and he just signed a new contract,” said the Chelsea fan in the office in a rare moment of reasoned analysis.

There was scandal surrounding the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who in a leaked communique entitled ‘sweeping changes’ described his team as an “underperforming bunch of tossers”. The club released six players.

The Pikey Scum boss went one better, releasing seven signings back into the pot, including Bacary Sagna.

Just Put Carles, who currently lie second in the table, were the only team not to release any players.

Below is a list of footballers, rightly or wrongly, discharged by managers.

On the right, find a document entitled ‘Available players’, split into positions and ordered in points scored.

Players released by Kenna clubs
In no particular order

1. FC Testiculadew
Maicon
Ireland
Lennon
Bosingwa

2. Newington Reds
Rio Ferdinand
Michael Dawson
Kolo Toure
Marc Albrighton
Grant Holt

3. Pikey Scum
Gomes
Sagna
Alex
Emerton
Petrov, S
Carroll
Beckford

4. Spartak Mogadishu
Carlos Teves
Jay Bothroyd
Cesc Fabregas
Ryan Nelson

5. Lurliners
Ivanovic, B
Zabaleta, P
Rodriguez, M
Dong-Won, J
Doyle, K

6. Vasco De Beavoir
Sneijder
Ebanks-Blake
Shittu

7. Hairy Fadjeetas
Djourou
A Hughes
Pienaar
Miereles
Kevin Davies

8. Lokomotiv Leeds
Heitinga
Wilshere

9. Polonia Forsyth
Rodallega
Fabianski
Essien

10. Dan Terry Seduction
Pennant
Squillaci
Kyrgiakos

11. Young Boys
Huth
Rafael
Jerome Thomas
K Richardson
DJ Campbell

12. PSV Mornington
Aurelio

13. Headless Chickens
Lee Chung-Yong
Berbatov
Kalou
Enrique

14. Dynamo Charlton
Phil Neville
Etuhu
Giggs
Gyan

15. Judean Peoples’ Front
G Johnson
Bramble
Berra
Taarabt
Valencia
Heskey

16. Superfuzz
S Harper
Higginbotham
Senderos
Diaby

17. Bala Rinas
Owen
Super Pav
Bardsley
N’Somnia
Asharvin

18. Thieving Magpies
Vermaelen
Gera
K Dyer
Bilyaletdinov
Kenwyne Jones

19. Just Put Carles
No transfers

Dropping the N-bomb

Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra — "Where's your caravan?"

The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.

“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.

The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.

“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”

Transfer deadline day – just three hours left!

Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.

Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.

These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.

Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.

For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.

For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.

Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.

Strikers

Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points

Midfielders

Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points

Defenders

P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points

Goalkeepers

Vorm – 29 points
Begovic – 28 points
Krul – 26 points
Rudd – 7 points
Lindegaard – 6 points

Once all transfer submissions have been made, a full list of available players will be shared in the next two days.

Quick guide to transfer night

George W Bush — "Dempsey, go big on Dempsey!"

The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.

Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.

Here are the key points:

Submitting transfers

A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman (either personally or through [email protected]) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.

Forced transfer submissions

If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).

Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.

Budget

The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.

Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.

Available players

The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.

Transfer night auction

Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings

Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.

Bramble ruling

Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.

Attendance

Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.

Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).

Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.

Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.

Bikini bottom

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.

Bottom pressure

Whiskey — Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?

Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.

Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.

“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.

“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”

One club currently under pressure is Polonia Forsyth.

The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.

Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.

“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.

Week 7's round up — Demba Ba's hat trick was a boost to Newington Reds

Defoe coming good

The PSV manager — Upbeat: the PSV manager gave a spritely post-match interview on Sunday

Things are finally happening for the PSV Mornington manager.

After seeing his striker Jermaine Defoe pick up a goal and assist (10 points), the PSV boss looked optimistic and relaxed in his post-match interview on Sunday.

Currently lying seventh in the table, the highest place since joining the Kenna in 2009, PSV’s three years of faith in the diminutive target man ultimately seems to have paid off.

The interview was in stark contrast to the manager’s humble apology in May, after they spent most of the season at the bottom of the table.

“The first thing I spoke to Jermaine after the game on Sunday was ‘¿Dónde puñeta has estado? En el pasado, haces lo que le sale de los cajones, y ahora es la verga andando!‘

“I think he understands what I meant,” said the PSV manager, grabbing his crotch.

On the last week’s evidence, PSV look to have some form in the team with David De Gea and Danny Murphy both setting out markers.

The question remains whether ‘El Jefe’ can keep getting enough out of his team to challenge the 17-goal dominance of FC Testiculadew.

Arteta and Barton’s scores will be fully updated by next week’s update.

Week 6 - week's points — PSV topped the weekly scores

Fulham 2 – 2 Man City

Fulham v Man City — Fulham make a rare first-half appearance in the City area

The Vasco De Beauvoir boss was tempted to do his own ‘Poznan’ in the Johnny Haynes stand as Sergio Aguero (12 points) added to his remarkable string of performances.

The Argentine striker was ably assisted by Just Put Carles‘ Silva (5 points) and FC Testiculadew‘s Dzeko (5 points).

Fulham players looked incapable of picking up any points in the first hour, as they kept tight and let City stroke the ball around in their half.

However, after that JPC picked up a Zamora goal (7 points) and PSV Mornington celebrated a Danny Murphy strike in the 75th minute (7 points).

Young Boys (Kompany), Thieving Magpies (Lescott), Pikey Scum (Richards), Headless Chickens (Clichy) and the club formally known as The Dan Terry Seduction (Hart) will all be thoroughly annoyed that they failed to pick up six points for a clean sheet.

In what must be a Kenna first, all the players booked (Sidwell and Barry) were unsigned.

Fulham 1 – 1 Blackburn

Fulham v Blackburn — Good seats courtesy of the Headless Chickens manager

A changable Sunday afternoon at Craven Cottage gave two Kenna managers the chance to scout some mid-table talent.

It was just as well because Vasco De Beauvoir (N’Zonzi and Schwarzer – 3 points) and Hairy Fadjeetas (Givet and Hughes – 4 points) had a mediocre afternoon at the 1-1 draw.

PSV Mornington‘s impeccably turned out Miguel Salgado, who looks like Gerard Depardieu on a daytrip to Bruges, was slow and booked (1 point).

The Judean Peoples’ Front manager needs a quiet word about Damien Duff. The left footer spent the first half on the right delivering poor crosses with his weaker foot, and the next 45 at left back (2 points).

The only significant Kenna display came from Just Put Carles striker Zamora finding the net (7 points).

As in most matches outside the top four, it was unsigned forwards who stole the show.

Former Barcelona youth player Ruben Rochina scored an excellent goal that came off the underside of the bar.

Junior Hoillet was busy and exciting on the wing, and almost scored the winner in injury time but for being knocked out cold by Vasco’s Schwarzer.

However, two Premiership debutants Ruiz and Goodwillie looked shaky.

Despite a lone plea from the the Johnny Haynes stand to ‘Release Bryan!’, Ruiz will do well to look on the bright side of life after failing to make any sort of an impact, falling over a lot and getting subbed off at half time.

David Goodwillie may be Scotland’s player of the year, but, well, that says it all really.

Thank you to the Headless Chickens manager for the tickets.

The Kenna welcomes match reports and photos from managers.

So Long Gyan for Silver

Kenna table week 5 — Kenna table - week 5

The Dynamo Charlton manager has been left stunned by Assamoah Gyan’s decision to leave the bright lights of the Kenna for the obscurity of the Etisalat Pro-league in the UAE, despite telling Jeff All News otherwise.

The Dynamo boss blamed so-called ‘parasites’ who emerged after Gyan’s excellent performance at a friendly against England in March.

“He’s been unsettled now, if we are being brutally honest, for weeks and months,” the Dynamo manager said.

“Since that game at Wembley, all the parasites, as I call them, hover around.

“Real Madrid was the first one, which I laughed at five months ago, but it started with that and it’s ended up with the United Arab Emirates.”

FC Testiculadew extended their lead at the top to 35 points with a hat trick from Wayne Rooney.

It looks increasingly difficult to stop the charge of the club, especially as they dominate the table without Bosnian goal machine Edin Dzeko.

“Bankers are morally inferior to looters,” said the FCT manager to nonplussed hacks outside the VD Stadium, when asked about his decision to leave Dzeko on the bench.

Elsehwere, Lokomotiv Leeds‘ Daniel Sturridge emerged as striker elect in west London.

Linking up with El Chicharito, Lokomotiv’s front men rustled up three goals this week to score the most points.

This is bads new for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, as Fernando Torres spent the weekend looking on from the sidelines and looks ever more marginalised.