The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.
Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.
“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.
The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.
“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”
Jim White being filmed arriving at the Sky Sports studios to take us to the big moment.
Footage of the Spartak Mogadishu manager making Carlos Tevez walk the plank while jabbing him in the back with a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.
A clip of the Polonia Forsyth manager in a chintz dressing gown waving off Hugo Rodallega at her front door.
These are just some of the images we’d like to bring you as the close of submissions for the first transfer window approaches at midday today.
Instead, because of copyright restrictions, all we can provide you with on this momentous occasion is an abstract photo representing what opportunities await as we peep through the window.
For some, transfer night will bring goals, assists, clean sheets and most importantly points to managers looking to press on over the winter period.
For most, Thursday night will end in despair, desparation and the big-money signing of a player you’d never heard of at the pre-season auction.
Find below a list of the top five players in each position not to be part of the Kenna yet this season.
Strikers
Agbonlahor – 39 points
Adebayor – 35 points
Di Santo – 33 points
A Johnson – 31 points
Long – 31 points
Midfielders
Mata – 30 points
Pilkington – 27 points
Eagles – 25 points
B Johnson – 25 points
Diame – 23 points
Defenders
P Jones – 37 points
A Williams – 29 points
S Taylor – 26 points
J Evans – 25 points
The rapidly-approaching transfer window means a tin-pot guide to bringing in new personnel is in demand.
Transfer nights work in the same way as auction nights, but take a lot less time.
Here are the key points:
Submitting transfers
A manager should submit the players they wish to release by midday on Tuesday (18 October). They can do this confidentially by emailing the Chairman (either personally or through [email protected]) or messaging him on Facebook. The manager recieves the amount paid for each released back, which goes towards their transfer night budget.
Example: the Vasco De Beauvoir manager releases Sneijder (£0.5m), Ebanks-Blake (£2m) and Sh1ttu (£0.5m). He gets a total of £3m back.
Forced transfer submissions
If a player has moved Premiership clubs since the pre-season August, so that a manager has two players from the same club in their team, they must release one of those players. Managers unable to attend the transfer night must still release one of these players (see ‘Attendance’ below).
Example: because Luke Young moved from Villa to QPR, the Vasco manager has two QPR players (Young and Sh1ttu). As manager he must release either one. In this case Sh1ttu.
Budget
The amount received for released players is added to the amount the manager had left over after auction night. This will be their transfer night budget.
Example: the Vasco manager adds the £3m for the released players to the £22m leftover from auction night. This leaves a total transfer kitty of £25m.
Available players
The released players will be added to all the players not signed at the August auction night.
Transfer night auction
Managers attend the transfer evening next Thursday (20 October) and take part in an auction of the available players to fill the spaces in their teams. Bramble rulings
Example: having released Sneijder, Ebanks-Blake and Sh1ttu, the Vasco needs to sign a midfielder, striker and defender the transfer auction.
Bramble ruling
Usual auction rules apply. Managers going over budget or buying two players from the same Premiership club will be penalised under the Bramble Ruling.
Attendance
Managers unable to attend the transfer window can still release and acquire players. However, managers attending the transfer window will always successfully outbid absent managers.
Absent managers must release illegal players (as per ”Forced transfer submissions’ above).
Example: the Lokomotiv Leeds manager cannot attend the transfer night, but can still get back £20m for releasing Wilshere. He may leave some preferred choices of replacement with the Chairman, but he cannot outbid a manager present at the auction unless he makes a phone bid.
Hopefully, this makes sense. Any managers not attending but wishing to do business, should contact the Chairman to the discuss their options.
It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.
Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.
Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.
“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.
“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.
Early doors: how will managers handle 'drop zone' pressure?
Three managers will be reaching for the bottle in their bottom drawer a little earlier today as the Kenna table now contains a ‘relegation zone’.
Quite what will happen to managers who face the drop is unclear, so rumours abound.
“Here at Kenna HQ we have a long-term plan to introduce more statistics into the league,” said the Chairman in a corporate Betamax video filmed on the Norfolk Broads. “We want to make managers’ careers more transparent.
“We’re also looking at various options, but I think the possibility is emerging that those in the relegation zone at the end of the season will have to come back at the helm of another club next year….(cough, cough)…and pay an increased entry fee.”
The manager’s unorthodox man management methods drew a lot of profile to the club last season.
Local reports claim that the manager has divided her time between Michael Essien’s physio table and pining for the talents of Johan Elmander, and so the team’s performances have slipped.
“These rumours are totally unfounded,” said the Polonia manager, emerging from her office with a framed photo of the club’s top scorer last season and wearing a Black Stars shirt.
Demba Ba's hat trick was a boost to Newington Reds
A record number of managers took part in last night’s Kenna auction.
A staggering eighteen turned up to pit their wits at fantasy football’s highest table.
With almost £2bn spent on players, some city analysts are linking the auction with today’s global market crisis.
The Kenna Chairman said: “Our seventh auction was by far the best attended in the league’s history, and I’d like to thank managers for making it such an enjoyable evening”
Early indications of which team will become favourites are unforthcoming, but Dynamo Charlton’s strike force of Gyan and Drogba is being tipped as a formidable one.
Bookies are already offering odds on Vasco De Beauvoir’s defence of Shittu, Hutton, Boyce and Luke Young being the most disappointing.
“Disappointing? This is an outrage!” said the Vasco manager. “My defenders all have international pedigree. Emerson Boyce is the lynchpin of the Barbados side and Alan Hutton’s the Scottish Cafu.”
The success of auction night was slightly marred by reports of the Chairman allegedly embezzling league funds.
“It was a chicken kebab and a taxi fare. I’ll pay it back,” he stormed.
The auction: all the fun of dressing in a rubber suit
Approaching the auction night is like going to a fetish party for the first time. You prepare yourself beforehand with a mental checklist of exactly what you’d like to do, but the next day you wake up with a heavy feeling of remorse and eleven men to whom you wouldn’t normally give the time of day.
Managers have come up with many formulas for avoiding just this scenario over the years, with varying degrees of success. With the big night due tomorrow, here are some manager profiles you’re likely to spot:
The Shrewd One – outlay a fairly reasonable bit of cash on three or four solid players who’ll be certain to get points. Wait patiently for everyone else to blow their wad before scooping up proven creative talents from unfashionable teams unchallenged. Demands research.
The Blasé One – do no homework, warm up with a couple of beers, then turn on the war face and bid for every player going until snagged by the Titus Bramble ruling. Results can be haphazard and have never attained league or cup success.
The Frustrated One – be absolutely certain of targets pre-auction, but gradually miss out on more and more of them due to lack of funds after ill-advised, early-evening purchases. Become increasingly irked at lack of progress. Finish the night livid.
The Confused One – get a list of players to buy from a guy at the desk next to you earlier in the day and watch them disappear under the hammer while trying to work out what the hell’s going on. Repeatedly say to managers next to you ‘Is this guy any good?’ while mispronouncing foreign names.
The Tentative One – keep holding back the budget for those big signings, but get outbid each time when the price gets high. End the evening with a mid-table mentality that derails league campaign.
The Lucky One – pick a few good players who hit form for the season and sit back while you scoop the Kenna.
"What do you mean I've already bought a Tott... but... Titus who?"
The most infamous collection of names since the Nomenklatura has arrived.
Managers trying to buy an illegal player at next week’s auction will face the ignominy of fielding one of the Titus Bramble offerings below.
The players have been picked in the spirit of Bramble philosophy: they’ll play sometimes, they may even score on occaision, but most of time they’ll do less actual work than Sven Goran-Eriksson.
This season’s Bramble ruling has been tidied up to avoid a repeat of January’s ugly incident that left the Barking manager without a job.
The updated ruling – highlights
Managers will invoke the Bramble ruling if they buy, or try to buy:
More than one player from a particular Premiership club – the most expensive of the two will be replaced.
A player that causes them to exceed the £100m budget – their most expensive player, regardless of who they bought last, will be replaced.
Once they’ve undergone the Bramble ruling, the offending manager may not take part in the next round of bidding and must buy a pitcher of beer (get the next round).
Managers found to be consistently making illegal bids to drive up the value of players will invoke the Titus Bramble ruling.
Full league rules and regulations, including changes to the Bramble ruling, will be shared soon.
The Titus Bramble list – 2011/12
Under the updated ruling, Bramble players in each position will be awarded in the order they appear below.
If a manager has a player from the same club as the first available Bramble, then the next Bramble down will be awarded.
Each Bramble player will cost £0.5m.
Goalkeepers
1
John Ruddy
Norwich
2
Jose Moreira
Swansea City
3
Paddy Kenny
QPR
Defenders
1
Titus Bramble
Sunderland
2
Danny Shittu
QPR
3
Zak Whitbread
Norwich City
4
Angel Rangel
Swansea City
5
Rafik Halliche
Fulham
6
Christophe Berra
Wolves
7
Stotirios Kyrgiakos
Liverpool
8
Pablo Ibanez
West Bromwich Albion
Midfielders
1
Shaun Wright-Phillips
Manchester City
2
Josh McEachran
Chelsea
3
Emmanuel Frimpong
Arsenal
4
Christian Poulson
Liverpool
5
Hendry Thomas
Wigan Athletic
6
Darron Gibson
Manchester United
7
Michael Tonge
Stoke City
8
Dan Gosling
Newcastle United
Strikers
1
Michael Owen
Manchester United
2
Ji Dong-Won
Sunderland
3
Emile Heskey
Aston Villa
4
Conor Sammon
Wigan Athletic
5
Magaye Gueye
Everton
6
Sam Vokes
Wolves
7
Roman Bednar
West Bromwich Albion
8
Mamady Sidibie
Stoke City
Bramble players may be subject to change before the auction night, depending on transfers.
The word ‘wantaway’ crops up every summer to the chagrin of the Kenna manager.
With the auction taking place three weeks before the end of the transfer window, there’s always a risk of blowing the budget on a ‘top, top, top, top‘ player for him to do one before the season has even begun.
So with the potential for either player to stay in England and rack up a Kenna-winning points total, which player is more likely to go for the most money at auction?
