auction – Page 3 – The Jeff Kenna League

Mad Dog and Englishmen

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013 — Kenna table – 31 January 2013

50p blame

Click to watch video: Gareth Bale reauctioned — Watch the video: Gareth Bale auctioned off again after being lost by the Pikey Scum manager on a Bramble

THE 50P GAME has protested its innocence in one of the biggest Kenna transfer window cock ups of all time.

Towards the end of Friday’s event in the upstairs bar of The Roebuck, the Pikey Scum boss signed flash-in-the-pan-form striker Steven Fletcher for £30m, taking the total cost of his team over the allotted budget.

Under the Titus Bramble ruling the club were made to forfeit their most expensive player and prized asset Gareth Bale, who also cost £30m, to be replaced by Belgian no hoper Steve De Ridder.

The Scum manager was quick to find a scapegoat in the 50p game.

“If I hadn’t been made to drink a whole a pint of cider because some Herbert dropped a coin in it, I can categorically state that Gareth Bale would still be Scum,” said the Pikey boss afterwards from a park bench.

But the 50p game has struck back, claiming that the Pikey gaffer necked the cider five minutes after the Bale debacle.

“If he had half a pound of sense he’d see that it’s all his fault. He’s a spent force in the Kenna,” said the 50p game, a shadowy figure who’s never been seen in daylight but only turns up once the Judean Peoples’ Front manager is half cut.

The whole affair is widely being held as the biggest Bramble blunder since the Vasco De Beauvoir manager lost £40m Sergio Aguero at the pre-season auction in August and was left with the services of nightclub dust up’s Leroy Lita.

Gareth Bale went on to be bought by Bala Rinas for £26m. A video of the sale is the second highest result on a YouTube search of ‘Julian Assange Anders Breivik’.

Seasoned mariner

A goal from new signing Shola Ameobi was not enough to take away the bad taste left in the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s mouth after the transfer window.

“Yarrrr! Which yellow-bellied landlubber filled me bag with salt and pepper shakers? When I got back to me cabin me iPatch t’was covered with condiments! If I gets me hook on the scoundrel he’ll be keelhauled and that be certain!” threatened the briny Somali, who controversially did not wear a ‘Kick It Out’ T-shirt to the window.

Look out this Friday for the group stages draw of the Cannestan Combi Cup on Twitter @jeffkennaleague

League table

Week 9 - 30 October 2012 — Week 9 – 30 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	43	3
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	33	1
3	Headless Chickens	John N	29	1
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
5	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	2
6	Woking	Mike	28	1
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	1
10	Piedmonte	Phil	24	0
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	22	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	1
13	Just put Carles	Carles	19	2
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	18	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	1
16	Greendale Rockets	Stu	17	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	0
18	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	15	1
20	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0

Scenes we’d like to see

Newington Reds manager with fax — Out of ideas: Despite the club’s Head of Ideas working tirelessly at the photocopier, the Reds gaffer was at a loss

IN-FORM forward Moussa Dembele shrugging his shoulders in utter confusion and pulling a face after getting the boot from Newington Reds.

A life-sized cardboard cut out of Luka Modric holding a rocket propelled grenade launcher being dumped in the skip behind the club shop at Spartak Mogadishu’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager giving Mario Balotelli his marching orders before giving his full backing to errant Cameroonian Olympic womens’ reserve team goalkeeper Drusille Ngako.

A clip of Yohan Cabeye on a French television light entertainment show putting an effigy of the Woking manager made entirely of garlic bread into a guillotine.

Lukas Podolski winding down his car window as he leaves the FC Testiculadew training ground for the last time and tells journalists: “I cannot Adam unt Eve it. My loaf it goz in Angela Merkels.”

These are some of the images we’d like to bring you from this week’s transfer deadline day, but instead the best on offer is this picture of the Newington Reds manager struggling to get the club’s creaking infrastructure into action.

“I’ve tried sending the request through four times on the office fax, and a further three times on an internet-based free fax service but it just won’t work,” said the Reds boss late on Tuesday night, pinpointing exactly why it wasn’t working.

The legal team at Kenna HQ were beginning to research how many fax-based emails from one manager would constitute harassment when in waded the Chairman.

“It’s obvious the Newington Reds manager has done his best to complete transfer business well before the deadline and he’s provided evidence of his attempts to do so by fax, so we’ll award him the £10m transfer-fund bonus,” he said.

Upon discovering the girl in the background of the photo was the club’s Head of Ideas, the Chairman was not so magnanimous.

“I’ll give you an idea, love: get a new, bloody fax machine!” he said.

Tonight’s transfer window

This evening managers will go head to head at auction to fill the gaps in their teams. Bonuses for submitting transfers on time earlier this week by fax machine mean the small number of available players tonight will go for vastly inflated fees.

Managers can pick Premier League footballers from two separate lists, but may not buy back anyone they’ve released:

The Unsigned – Not recruited by any club in August’s pre-season auction, these players are still available.
The Journeymen – Deemed surplus to requirements, these players find themselves back on the market.

New signings will begin scoring points for their new clubs next weekend.

Remaining budgets and gaps to fill

Team	Gaps	Budget
Vasco De Beauvoir	Five	£73.5m
Woking	Seven	£60m
Bala Rinas	Five	£52.5m
FC Testiculadew	Four	£51m
Pikey Scum	Four	£51.5m
PSV Mornington	Seven	£45m
Headless Chickens	Four	£44m
Northern Monkeys	Two	£40m
Dynamo Charlton	Three	£38m
Still Don’t Know Yet	Two	£36m
Hairy Fadjeetas	Two	£36.5m
Greendale Rockets	Four	£31m
Spartak Mogadishu	Three	£28.5m
Newington Reds	Four	£26m
Sporting Lesbian	Three	£26.5m
Wandsworth Window Lickers	Two	£25.5m
Piedmonte	Four	£25.5m
Lokomotiv Leeds	Four	£16m
Judean Peoples’ Front	Four	£19m

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Stix (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins

Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Al-Habsi, A	WIG	£2.5m
Harte, I	REA	£10m
Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Ferdinand, R	MUN	£6.5m
McAuley, G	WBA	£0.5m
Gutierrez, J	NEW	£5m
Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m
Ramires	CHE	£12m
Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Podolski, L	ARS	£40m
	Total	£119.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Kolorov, A	MCY	£19m	Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m	Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Hibbert, T	EVE	£5m	Kolarov, A	MCY	£19m
Pennant, J	STO	£1m	Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Rosicky, T	ARS	£1.5m	Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m
Borini, F	LIV	£19m	Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Lita, L (B)	SWA	£20m	Podolski, L	ARS	£40m

Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Huth, R	STO	£5m
Cahill, G	CHE	£7.5m
Boyce, E	WIG	£0.5m
Allen, J	LIV	£10m
Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Granero, E	APR	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£4m
Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m
Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m
	Total	£99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m	Allen, J	LIV	£10m
El Ahmadi, K	AVL	£3m	Granero, E	QPR	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	REA	£8.5m	Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
de Gea, D	MUN	£19m	Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Sagna, B	ARS	£11m	Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Bale, G	TOT	£30m	De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m
Downing, S	LIV	£8m	Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m	Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m

Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Johnson, G	LIV	£8m
Coloccini, F	NEW	£10m
Rafael	MUN	£2m
Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£16m
Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m
Lambert, R	SOT	£13m
	Total	£95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m	Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Dyer, N	SWA	£10m	Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£16m	Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Green, R	QPR	£0.5m	Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	WHM	£3m	Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m
van der Vaart, R	HAM	£17m	Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m

Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th last season and in 2008/09)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.

No Brambles.

Hart, J	MCY	£22m
Enrique, J	LIV	£13m
Cole, A	CHE	£17m
Monreal, N	ARS	£22m
Lowton, M	AVL	£0.5m
Valencia, A	MUN	£17m
Britton, L	SWA	£0.5m
Cole, J	WHM	£10m
Beausejour, J	WIG	£0.5m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m
Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m
	Total	£103.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Gallas, W	TOT	£17m	Monreal, N	ARS	£22m
Diaby, A	ARS	£0.5m	Cole, J	WHM	£10m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£21m	Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m
Rodallega, H	FUL	£0.5m	Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Hutton, A	AVL	£0.5m	Gallas, W	TOT	£17m
Squillaci, S	ARS	£0.5m	Lowton, M	AVL	£0.5m
Parker, S	TOT	£0.5m	Diaby, A	ARS	£0.5m
Tiote, C	NEW	£0.5m	Beausejour, J	WIG	£0.5m

PSV Mornington

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook: A lower mid-table club, and from the looks of this offering, lower mid-table ambition. A hotch potch back five and, £28m Mata and £17m Ba aside, a team that used to be sort of promising. Leiva’s a holding midfielder returning from long injury, just two goals were scored from Delap throw ins last season and Noble’s out of touch at this level. Gabby Agbonlahor? Didn’t he play for England once?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Chico	SWA	£6m
Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Mata, J	CHE	£28m
Noble, M	WHM	£8m
Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Agbonlahor, G	AVL	£7m
Jones, K	STO	£0.5m
	Total	£69.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m	Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Sahin, N	LIV	£7m	McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Ba, D	CHE	£17m	Jones, K	STO	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Gazzaniga, P (B)	SOT	£4.5m	de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	EVE	£6m	Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Senderos, P	FUL	£5m	Chico	SWA	£6m
Fabio	QPR	£5m	Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Brown, W	SUN	£3m	Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m
Delap, R	STO	£0.5m	Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
Leiva, L	LIV	£0.5m	Sahin, N	LIV	£7m

Lokomotiv Leeds

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: Runner up

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Lokomotiv Anthem

Outlook: Competent team with the potential to mount a challenge in their second Kenna season. All the money’s gone on Rising Sun Kagawa, Sigurdsson, and shoring up a defence that has already bagged two goals. Ryan Taylor’s free kicks a snip at point five. The manager will be hoping to avoid the downturn in form last season, after high flying at Christmas.

Cesar, J	QPR	£0.5m
Clichy, G	MCY	£15m
Riise, J	FUL	£10m
Ivanovic, B	CHE	£10m
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£14m
Kagawa, S	MUN	£26m
Larsson, S	SUN	£6m
Cabeye, Y	NEW	£0.5m
Bannan, B	AVL	£0.5m
Giroud, O	ARS	£6m
Walters, J	STO	£7m
	Total	£96m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Gorkss, K	REA	£0.5m	Vertonghen, J	TOT	£14m
Sigurdsson, G	TOT	£20m	Larsson, S	SUN	£6m
McCarthy, J	WIG	£0.5m	Bannan, B	AVL	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Federici, A	REA	£0.5m	Cesar, J	QPR	£0.5m
Fabio	QPR	£0.5m	Gorkss, K	REA	£0.5m
Holman, B	AVL	£0.5m	Cabeye, Y	NEW	£0.5m
Taylor, R	NEW	£0.5m	McCarthy, J	WIG	£0.5m