bikini – The Jeff Kenna League

Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball — Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013 — Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	3
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	41	2
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	3
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	35	2
6	Headless Chickens	John N	35	2
7	Piedmonte	Phil	31	2
8	Woking	Mike	31	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
10	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	25	1
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	0
12	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
13	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	0
14	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	3
15	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	1
16	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	1
20	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
		Club	Newington Reds

Hennessey injury hits Fadjeetas

FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.

The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.

And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.

With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.

Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.

Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January — Cup results – 24 January

Bikini bottom

It’s an unnerving time for the mid-table Kenna manager.

Dangling above, FC Testiculadew are slowly drawing in to tea bag the rest of the league.

Lying below, the tangled mess of Hairy Fadjeetas writhes unenticingly with just seven points this week.

“Sh1t! Football is sh1t!” fumed an apoplectic Fadjeetas boss from the rolled-down driver’s window of his 1995 Renault Clio, before checking the mirror, looking both ways and pulling away at a brisk, but ultimately sensible, speed from the hack pack outside the club’s Bikini Lane ground.

Somehwere between the rotten balls and manky bush lurks the thorny issue of seks and drug allegations in the Judean Peoples’ Front camp.

“We’re doing everything we can to get Titus back to full two-appearance-points status,” said the JPF manager, while breathing heavily down the phone to a girl on the witness protection scheme.