catalan – The Jeff Kenna League

Belgian Benteke books Pirates berth in cup final

Tidy pirate — Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)

A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.

The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.

“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.

Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.

Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”

Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.

Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.

Emperor Ming — Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager

The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.

“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”

Many neutrals will lament the semi final exit of Still Don’t Know Yet. On his Kenna debut their manager was enjoying a fairy tale cup run against a background of indifferent league form and some harsh treatment from the league’s Manager Experiences Department early in the season.

Cup results

Just Put Carles 2 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet (4-2)
Henderson x2 RVP

FC Testiculadew 2 – 4 Spartak Mogadishu (2-4)
Y Toure, Pienaar Lukaku, Benteke x3

*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”

League table

Week 34 - 30 April 2013 — Week 34 – 30 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	50	4
2	Just put Carles	Carles	43	2
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	37	4
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	32	2
5	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	2
7	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	25	0
8	Woking	Mike	25	0
9	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	1
10	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	0
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	2
12	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	20	1
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	1
15	Headless Chickens	John N	19	0
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	19	0
17	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	13	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	8	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Benteke, C – AVL – STR
		Club	Spartak Mogadishu

Window watch

Cougar — Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013 — Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	2
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	29	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	29	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
10	Woking	Mike	24	1
11	Greendale Rockets	Stu	24	0
12	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	22	0
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	0
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0

PSV boss rues ‘mean’ Clásico

Catalan flag donkey — Donkey punch: Barcelona suffered title hopes blow

JOSE Mourinho is facing fierce criticism over his tactics in Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona last night.

The Portuguese is sure to be unsettled by comments made in the wake of the away win by the PSV Mornington manager.

The Catalan put aside recent hostilities with his fellow countryman and gave a resigned press conference at the club’s Crescent stadium

“Yesterday evening it happened that Real Madrid played with 11 players behind the ball – something that should not honour a team with nine European cups – and were lucky enough to get two goals from three shots on target.

“I know, Barcelona did not have that many yesterday, but they had the ball just in front of their [Real Madrid’s] box for 80 per cent of the match, so normally this would mean a Barcelona win,” said the Catalan with a comical look on his face after Total Football’s insides had been kicked out for the second time in four days.

“Anyway, this happens in football, they have played us this way, very mean, for the last 10 matches and just got one win yesterday, one win in the extra time and eight losses – including 2-6, 5-0 and 1-3.”

Usually confident ahead of such fixtures, the PSV boss will endure a nailbiting 48 hours ahead of Barcelona’s ill-fated Champions League second leg with Chelsea.