cup – The Jeff Kenna League

Dynamo dealt Walcott injury blow

Theo Walcott on holiday — On the beach: Dynamo Charlton’s Theo Walcott looks set to miss the rest of the season and the World Cup (photo courtesy of Oliver Sparrow)

DYNAMO Charlton look set for a third season of trophyless woe after star midfielder Theo Walcott was ruled out with injury for six months.

Walcott scored in the weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup group stage before being stretchered off with an ‘anterior cruciate ligament of his left knee’, according to club quacks.

The Dynamo Charlton manager took to Twitter yesterday to vent his frustrations. He can only look forward to next month’s Kenna transfer window to freshen up the side, although his decision to sign Scott Sinclair and Peter Odemwingie in the October window has become the cause of some unrest among fans.

The lone Walcott goal wasn’t enough for Dynamo as they lost by two to in-form St Reatham FC, Gaston Ramirez and Mohamed Diame finding the net.

@jeffkennaleague @abdinw1 That’s my one man team decimated.

— Alex Bass (@alexbass75) January 6, 2014

Seven sides qualified for the knockout stages of the Canesten Combi Cup with a game to go.

Mathematically, every team can still progress in the tournament except Pikey Scum, whose single point saves them from the total ignominy suffered by Bala Rinas 12 months ago.

Outside the club’s Caravan Park training facility, a downcast Pikey Scum manager said yesterday: “One point from four games is shameful. I think the most I can hope for is sneaking a Manager of the Month award and getting reduced entry to the World Cup. I think even that is hopeful.”

Piedmonte, who have to beat PSV Mornington by at least eight goals in the last game to go through, are likely to follow Pikey Scum out of the cup.

It’s been a tough week for the Piedmonte manager. Having topped the table before Christmas, the club slipped to fourth place in the league. Can he stem the decline?

Canesten Combi Cup – group stage standings

Cup groups - 7 January 2014 — Cup groups – 7 January 2014

Cup fixtures

21-Jan-14	Team Panda Rules OK	v	Dulwich Red Sox
21-Jan-14	Still Don’t Know Yet	v	Judean Peoples Front
21-Jan-14	KS West Green	v	This is Sparta…Prague
21-Jan-14	Just put Carles	v	Dynamo Charlton
21-Jan-14	Pikey Scum	v	Rapids De Cullons CF
21-Jan-14	FC Testiculadew	v	St. Reatham FC
21-Jan-14	Spartak Mogadishu	v	Newington Reds
21-Jan-14	Northern Monkeys	v	Young Boys
21-Jan-14	Headless Chickens	v	Sporting Lesbian
21-Jan-14	PSV Mornington	v	Piedmonte
21-Jan-14	Bala Rinas	v	Hairy Fadjeetas

Kenna table

Kenna week 18 - 7 January 2014 — Kenna week 18 – 7 January 2014

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	58	5
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	55	5
3	Headless Chickens	John N	55	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	55	2
5	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	53	3
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	52	4
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	49	1
8	St. Reatham FC	Mike	47	1
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	45	2
10	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	41	2
11	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	41	2
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	35	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
14	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	0
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	30	2
17	KS West Green	Stix	28	1
18	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	2
19	Just put Carles	Carles	27	1
20	FC Testiculadew	James N	26	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	25	0
22	Team Panda Rules OK	George	23	2
23	Piedmonte	Phil	21	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	19	Bony, W – SWA – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

Podium race bursts into life for final match

Beach volleyball — Difficult to focus on the game: Many Kenna managers have had one eye on the beach for some time (photo courtesy of k1studio)

DIMITAR Berbatov and Loïc Rémy responded to accusations from these very pages last week that they had one eye on the beach to both notch for FC Testiculadew.

The two goals, alongside a Steven Pienaar assist and John Ruddy clean sheet, put defending champions FCT to within 56 points of Sporting Lesbian.

The 19th goal of the campaign from Lesbian’s £2.5m midfielder Michu puts one hand on the title for the debut manager.

The chasing pack with one week to go:

Judean Peoples’ Front
Another all-action display from the defence – Joe Hart, Ashley Cole and Jose Enrique have scored over 400 points between them – and a brace from Emmanuel Adebayor put the club just 15 points off second place. An excellent season from the Anders Breivik doppleganger manager whose previous league best was ninth.

Piedmonte
Frank Lampard isn’t the Kenna star performer he once was, but two goals on the weekend, and assists from Ricky Lambert and Adam Johnson have their manager just 30 points away from equaling his best league finish – runners up in the 2006/07 season

Dynamo Charlton
Goals from Oscar and Robert Snodgrass found the net. Nathan Dyer and Carlos Tevez helped others to do the same. Even Danny Graham’s drought and Per Mertesacker can’t stop the Olisadebe Euro 2012 winning manager from an outside chance of second place.

Just Put Carles
The Catalan manager dropped down the table, but all eyes will be on this weekend’s Canesten Combi Cup final against Spartak Mogadishu. Goals from Silva, Henderson, Maloney & co could prompt a cup win and podium finish come Sunday.

Lokomotiv Leeds
It would take a Herculean effort for Lokomotiv to make up the 39 point gap to third place. The manager doesn’t look like achieving the runner up spot debut of last season.

Meanwhile at the other end, the relegation dogfight looks to have fizzled out. Even with the Lukas Podolski double scored in tonight’s match (not included in this update), Vasco De Beauvoir are closer to digging themselves further into oblivion than the other way. The end of an eight year tenure in the Kenna?

Wandsworth Window Lickers are trying to guide themselves into the end of a awful season. Their manager has whisked himself off to Colombia for a jolly, under the guise of having a nose for new talent – a move being sniffed at by his critics.

Surrey Police have found an abandoned car in Runtley Wood, thought to belong to the missing Woking manager. The manhunt continues.

League table

Week 37 - 14 May 2013 — Week 37 – 14 May 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	3
2	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	41	2
3	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	38	2
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	3
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	35	2
6	Headless Chickens	John N	35	2
7	Piedmonte	Phil	31	2
8	Woking	Mike	31	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
10	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	25	1
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	0
12	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
13	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	0
14	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	3
15	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	1
16	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	0
17	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
18	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	1
20	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	16	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
		Club	Newington Reds

No Sporting chance

Two girls with slime — Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.

Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.

The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.

The administrative error led to fierce criticism of the Chairman who is alleged to have been dicking around in the former Gestapo headquarters in Warsaw instead of attending to league matters. He has denied everything.

The recount sees Just Put Carles, who have been resurgent in league form of late, pitted against Still Don’t Know Yet, who haven’t.

In the other semi final Spartak Mogadishu will face cup holders FC Testiculadew.

Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.

For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.

At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.

Vasco De Beauvoir and Wandsworth Window Lickers are fast running out of time to mount a late charge for safety. The writing’s been on the wall a long time for Woking.

The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.

Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final recount

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 3 (4) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva, Henderson, Arteta

League table

Week 31 - 9 April 2013 — Week 31 – 9 April 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	39	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	34	1
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
4	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	31	1
5	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	27	2
6	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	1
7	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	25	2
9	Woking	Mike	23	0
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	20	0
13	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	20	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	17	1
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	10	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Rosicky, T – ARS – MID
		Club	Unsigned

Nearly tripped by a Bramble

TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.

“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.

A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.

The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”

Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.

In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”

Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.

“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”

Still Don’t Know Yet 2 (3) – 0 (1) Vasco De Beauvoir
Kone, Gerrard

Sporting Lesbian 1 (3) – 1 (2) Just Put Carles
Michu Silva

Spartak Mogadishu 2 (4) – 2 (3) Northern Monkeys
Taraabt, Benteke Bramble og, Cazorla

FC Testiculadew 3 (4) – 1 (4) Dynamo Charlton – FCT win 32-23 on second-leg points
Berbatov x2, Remy Tevez

Semi finals

Still Don’t Know Yet v Sporting Lesbian

Spartak Mogadishu v FC Testiculadew

League table and weekly scores are available by downloading The Rub from the link on the right-hand side of this page.

Cup preview: Second eggs poised for drama

Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)

EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.

As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.

Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.

Still Don’t Know Yet (1) v Vasco De Beauvoir (1)
Venue: Not Sure Avenue

A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.

Progression over the Chairman’s team would be a double victory for the SDNY manager, who holds the league accountable for an untoward nocturnal incident back in the August.

Prediction: Tie boiled down to points scored on second leg.

Sporting Lesbian (2) v Just Put Carles (1)
Venue: The Gash

The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.

JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.

Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.

Spartak Mogadishu (2) v Northern Monkeys (1)
Venue: RPG Ground

One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.

The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.

Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.

FC Testiculadew (1) v Dynamo Charlton (3)
Venue: Scrot Rot Street

Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.

Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.

Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub — Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013 — Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	4
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	21	1
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	2
15	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
16	Woking	Mike	14	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	13	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Tevez, C – MCY – STR
		Club	Dynamo Charlton

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile — Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Cazorla
Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013 — Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	40	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	2
4	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	3
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	31	2
8	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
9	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	24	1
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	23	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	0
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	17	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	11	0
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Michu – SWA – MID
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Fingers in the cup

Cup group stage draw 2012 — No expense spared: The cup group stage draw was a lavish event

QUESTIONS are being asked by the Kenna HQ bean counters after the Chairman made a suspicious expenses claim for the Canestan Combi Cup group stage draw.

Dancing girls, lobsters and Nubian boys hired to pick only the blue M&Ms from hundreds of packets all found their way into a receipt submitted to the apparatus, as well as costs for an exclusive central London venue.

Sponsors and the media had been told the cup group stage draw, from which the top four teams from each group will progress to the knockout stages, had put Kenna HQ on a level with the London 2012 opening ceremony and the Queen’s Diamond Jubliee.

But evidence has been unearthed that the draw was a shabby, two-bit affair performed by the Chairman using nothing more than a handful of post-it notes, a beanie hat and four sides of A4 paper.

“These rumours are absolutely preposterous. There were girls in bikinis serving a lavish menu to a handful of global megastars. I can’t believe that social media reporting live from the event didn’t make that clear,” said the Chairman when confronted with a twitpic of the Spartak Mogadishu manager’s high top.

In light of the evidence, the Kenna HQ finance department is now asking for the £80,087,322 claimed by the Chairman back again.

The Canestan Combi Cup group stage matches will be played over five game weeks between now and the February transfer window.

In each game week two teams will compete head to head. The team that scores the most goals in that week will claim three points.

League table

Week 10 - 6 November 2012 — Week 10 – 6 November 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	33	0
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	2
4	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	31	4
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	31	0
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	28	1
7	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	27	1
8	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	24	0
9	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	0
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	23	0
11	Woking	Mike	23	0
12	Headless Chickens	John N	21	0
13	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	20	1
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	16	1
16	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	0
18	Just put Carles	Carles	15	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	14	0
20	Piedmonte	Phil	7	0

A Tale of Two Cissés

Charles Dickens — "It is a melancholy truth that even great men have their poor relations."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the £500k of wisdom, it was the £13m of foolishness.

It was the of 10 goals and assist of belief, it was the two goals and red card of incredulity.

It was the 76 points of Light, it was the 15 points of Darkness.

It was the spring of Spartak Mogadishu, it was the winter of Pikey Scum.

We had a league renaissance before us, we had a quarter-final cup exit behind us.

We were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

In short, the period showed that Papiss had so utterly outclassed Dijbrial since their January arrival in the Kenna, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted, for good or for evil, the name Cissé was in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Cup semi final first leg results

FC Testiculadew 54 – 36 PSV Mornington

Headless Chickens 28 – 34 Hairy Fadjeetas

Touré of Duty

Toyota Hilux — Hitting the road?: Toure torn between war and the Kenna

Title challengers Lokomotiv Leeds face a not-so-happy New Year with the prospect of losing their star midfielder Yaya Touré to the African Cup of Nations.

“Our country needs people like myself and Didier Drogba because there is a war and it’s important we do what we can for our people, but this is also a crucial time of the season,” said Touré, studiously doing keepy ups while seven friends carrying Russian assault rifles beckoned him from the rear of a 1988 Toyota Hilux.

Lokomotiv find themselves in a top three separated by only 18 points going into Christmas week.

“We’ve got plenty of talent in midfield to maintain pressure on FCT and Newington Reds in Yaya’s absence,” said the Lokomotiv manager at the club’s training ground, before diving for cover from another errant Victor Moses goal attempt.

Newington Reds are also set to lose prolific, Senegalese striker Demba Ba to the tournament in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea.

“Baaaaa!” opined the Reds gaffer.