daniel sturridge – The Jeff Kenna League

Window watch

Cougar — Form: Demba Ba and Juan Mata have both been in the points

BINOCULARS trained on the bedroom of next door’s saucy, late-30s divorcee can scarcely produce such a fascinating window as the dilemma facing one Kenna manager in the build up to 1 February’s transfer night.

Demba Ba’s move from the Big Market to Fulham Broadway leaves the PSV Mornington boss in the unenviable position of choosing between the goal hungry African or the twinkle-toed creativity of Juan Mata.

Under Kenna rules, no manager may have two players from the same Premier League club, and PSV must release either the Senegalese or the Spaniard come the 12pm deadline on Wednesday 30 January.

“El més calent és a l’aigüera. I’ll not make up my mind until the deadline, yo no soy mañana,” riddled the PSV manager, a proud Catalan who once tried to gain managerial inspiration by locking himself in his office for six days with nothing but a carton of moody Iberian cigarettes, a tub of arroz con leche and a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola.

At the prospect of the coveted signature of either Ba or Mata to boost their campaign, Kenna managers will be monitoring the situation in the window more closely than a teenage boy surveilling a rough and ready tradesman’s visit to the neighbourhood cougar.

Faced with a similar quandary – albeit child’s play in comparison – between Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson, and with no other Chelsea players in his side, fellow Catalan the Just Put Carles manager is a strong suitor.

If Demba Ba or Juan Mata joined JPC it would be a major coup for the manager after losing out in last season’s bitter midtable ‘Cat’-fight to his rival at PSV, and go someway towards closing the 39-point gap between the two clubs.

League table

Week 20 - 15 January 2013 — Week 20 – 15 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	42	2
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	33	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	32	3
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	30	2
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	29	1
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	29	1
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	27	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	25	0
10	Woking	Mike	24	1
11	Greendale Rockets	Stu	24	0
12	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	24	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	23	1
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	22	0
15	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	21	0
16	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
17	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
18	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	16	0
19	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	16	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0

Nothing to celebrate

Party popper — Step away from the party the popper: Celebrating goals is so 2012

A GARETH BALE goal was not enough to keep Bala Rinas from being dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup.

Four hapless group game defeats left the side without a point, and with his team also struggling in the league the manager, yet to win a trophy in six years in Kenna, is under increasing pressure.

“People are saying that I’ve got no silverware, I can’t bring success to the club and I’ll never know the difference between riding the normal team coach and riding an open-top bus, but of course I knows the difference – one’s got a fcuking roof and one fcuking ‘asn’t,” sing songed the Welshman.

Bala Rinas weren’t the only ones not celebrating this week. Footballers are fashionable creatures, and a new craze has swept through the Kenna: not celebrating goals.

Cup results - 8 January 2013 — Cup results – 8 January 2013

In Group D, Daniel Sturridge found the net to help Just Put Carles to their first cup win and a chance at the next round, but ‘out of respect’ the England striker did not cheer after scoring against his former club Lokomotiv Leeds.

Emmanuel Adebayor scored against Pikey Scum to give Newington Reds a vital lifeline in Group C, but the Togolese had moved to Reds from Scum in the October transfer window and refused to acknowledge the notch, even though he continues to don leisurewear from another former club.

In the other Group C match there were remarkable scenes at FC Testiculadew’s ground, the Death Star, where no players celebrated any of the eight goals in Sporting Lesbian’s 7-1 destruction of the hosts.

Hairy Fadjeetas, on the end of five-goal thrashing by Headless Chickens, were the only side to have the decency to avoid any awkward embarrassment by not scoring any goals at all.

The final cup game will be played on 29 January, where the top four from each group will go through to the last 16 knockout draw.

Teams below in yellow have already qualified, teams in red are out.

Group A - 8 January 2013 — Group A – 8 January 2013

Group B - 8 January 2013 — Group B – 8 January 2013

Group C - 8 January 2013 — Group C – 8 January 2013

Group D - 8 January 2013 — Group D – 8 January 2013

League table

Week 19 - 8 January 2013 — Week 19 – 8 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	66	7
2	Just put Carles	Carles	54	4
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	54	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	51	4
5	Headless Chickens	John N	50	5
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	49	3
7	Piedmonte	Phil	48	2
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	46	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	45	3
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	42	1
11	Woking	Mike	40	3
12	FC Testicluadew	James N	40	1
13	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	38	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	37	3
16	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	1
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	1
18	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	1
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	33	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	21	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Gone in 60 seconds

Empty buffet — Blink and it’s over: Last night’s buffet does an excellent impression of the JPC boss

POLICE have stepped up their search for the Just Put Carles manager who went missing during last night’s auction.

Discovered to be wearing an official London 2012 T-shirt, and hence being liable to buy the committee a round of drinks, the JPC boss was last seen receding faster than Usain Bolt’s hairline.

The Catalan left having bought just a handful of players: Kyle Walker, Mikel Arteta, David Silva, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck.

Having assessed all the other starting elevens, the Chalkstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department named JPC’s five-a-side team as third favourites for the title.

It was a record turnout for the Kenna as 20 managers battled it out in the bowels of the City of London’s Golden Fleece.

“The auction was just how we wanted it: fast, raucous and with plenty of managers being caught out by the Titus Bramble ruling,” said the Chairman resignedly, as his Vasco De Beauvoir side went over budget and saw Sergio Aguero replaced by Leroy Lita.

There was a blow for the Spartak Mogadishu manager too, as new signing Luka Modric announced his medical in Madrid about an hour after the Somali picked him up for £1m.

“Yarrrrrr! If I catch the bilge rat within cannon shot, he be findin’ he’self in Davey Jones’ locker,” said the Spartak manager outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility.

Teams will be published here over the coming week.