Chernobyl Forlov

Manager: Aiden

Nationality: England

Domestic club side: Hairy Fadjeetas

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 2nd (out of 15)

4-4-2

Pletikosa, S Croatia £0.5m
Chiellini, G Italy £12m
Rami, A France £7m
Torossidis, V Greece £0.5m
Safari, B Sweden £0.5m
Walcott, T England £5m
Mata, J Spain £0.5m
Obraniak, L Poland £0.5m
Hunt, S Rep of Ireland £0.5m
Gomez, M Germany £32m
Huntelaar, KJ Holland £22m
Total £81m
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The Horn of Africa

Manager: Abdi

Nationality: Somalia

Domestic club side: Spartak Mogadishu

Tournament history:

  • Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup: 13th (out of 15)

4-4-2

(‘TB’ denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble Ruling)

Sifakis, M Greece £0.5m
Pepe Portugal £5m
Piszczek, L Poland £16m
Shishkin, R Russia £4m
Olsson, M Sweden £7.5m
de Jong, N (TB) Holland £0.5m
Khedira, S Germany £13m
Busquets, S Spain £18m
Eriksen, C Denmark £12m
Carroll, A England £12m
Di Natale, A Italy £7.5m
Total £96m
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How to pick a winning tournament team

Andres Iniesta
Tempting at this time of year: Andres Iniesta scores goals and gets assists

MANAGING a team in regular fantasy football contests offers little true variance.

Sitting at your computer and picking the same two strikers 100,000 others have, while the War Office reminds you it’s bin day tomorrow is unpreferred.

Having to then spend the tournament logging on to make transfers and, God forbid, ‘pick captains’, is quite frankly unacceptable.

In the Olisadebe auction, managers lock horns in that most competitive of arenas, the pub.

Once the auction’s over, managers are free to enjoy the tournament in the patented Ruud Gullit ‘bars and discotheques’ style.

For the uninitiated, here an idiot’s guide to the rules:

  • Each manager has £100m to buy 11 players in a 4-4-2 formation
  • Each team may have no more than one player of each nationality
  • Managers breaking the rules are subject to the Titus Bramble Ruling.

The second rule in particular makes the Olisadebe ultimately challenging. Buying a bottom-drawer player from a top team is folly.

Going around the table, each gaffer takes it in turns to introduce a player to the bidding. The auction ends when every team is filled.

The Olisadebe ‘Brambles’ will be announced next week.

What experience tells us

Looking below at the top performers from the last international tournament, the Doctor Khumalo 2010 World Cup, the immediate thought is: what the bejabbers was someone up to spending £31.5m on a holding midfielder like Schweinsteiger?

During a domestic season, steady Eddies like Bastian ‘Pig-overseer’, making regular appearances and nicking the odd goal can be useful.

But in tournament football, where an absolute maximum of six games awaits, the only successful midfielders are those scoring just as many goals as their striking counterparts (Wesley Sneijder).

Forwards regularly finding the net and back fives from organised teams picking up clean sheets offer the best return on investment.

Creative wing backs getting assists and goals, while their side keeps clean sheets, are a handy addition.

The second thing you’ll notice from the table is that some household names went for chicken feed. There are three reasons for this:

  1. all the other managers had bought their quota from that country (Iker Casillas)
  2. those at the auction simply hadn’t considered that player of value (Thomas Muller)
  3. the player had initially been bought for a large sum, forfeited through the Titus Bramble Ruling and bought on the cheap later in the evening (David Villa)

Top European’s from the 2010 Khumalo World Cup in South Africa

Name

Position

Country

Points

Auction price

Thomas Muller

Striker

Germany

42

£0.5m

Wesley Sniejder

Midfielder

Netherlands

40

£36m

David Villa

Striker

Spain

39

£0.5m

Iker Casillas

Goalkeeper

Spain

35

£0.5m

Gerard Pique

Defender

Spain

33

£22m

Carlos Puyol

Defender

Spain

33

£1m

Sergio Ramos

Defender

Spain

28

£1m

Mesut Ozil

Midfielder

Germany

26

£0.5m

Miroslav Klose

Striker

Germany

25

£7m

Manuel Neuer

Goalkeeper

Germany

24

£0.5m

Phillipe Lahm

Defender

Germany

22

£13.5m

Arne Friedrich

Defender

Germany

22

£1m

Arjen Robben

Midfielder

Netherlands

21

£15m

Bastian Schweinsteiger

Midfielder

Germany

21

£31.5m

Andres Iniesta

Midfielder

Spain

20

£19m

Giovanni van Bronckhorst

Defender

Netherlands

20

£5m

Follow the auction live on Twitter @jeffkennaleague or #eurosauction on Tuesday 29 May from 7pm (BST)

Look out for more news and features about the Olisadebe in the build up to the auction.

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Winning the sack race

Sack
Sacked: the Seduction boss arrives at Liverpool Crown Court

LONG. Hard. Ending with a gooey substance on the face.

For two other managers, the Polonia Forsyth boss’s experiences echo the Kenna season.

Guaranteeing her place in the relegation zone with one week left to go, the Polonia boss faces being blackballed by the club board – a term she previously associated with an alternative warm-up exercise developed with Mario Balotelli.

Sadly, unless the ‘madcap’ Italian produces the performance of his life this weekend, the Polonia gaffer faces a similar fate to the Thieving Magpies manager.

At one point prohibited from going out in his own backyard, the ‘Pies ‘coach’ is already working up his CV for the summer, at all times omitting the £32m he paid for Darren Bent.

A tough sentence also awaits the Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Roofie Dan‘ may have made away with the branded stationery, but his career in the Kenna hangs in the balance.

The August titular fiasco perhaps a sign of the calamity to come, a summons to the Rochdale grooming trial has made the Seduction manager’s position untenable.

“But I didn’t know they wanted the pills for that,” he pleaded.

Meanwhile, FC Testiculadew march on towards their first Kenna league title.

FCT need to score 65 points this week to break the most-points-scored-in-a-season record, set by Vasco De Beauvoir in the inaugural Kenna 2005/06 season.

They could also scoop the second ever Kenna double by beating Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens in the Cannestan Combi Cup final on Sunday.

Vasco De Beauvoir won the first ever double in the 2009/10 season, before their manager went on to lift the 2010 Khumalo World Cup.

A preview of the cup final will be published later in the week.

Weekly scores - 9 May 2012
Weekly scores – 9 May 2012
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