evra – The Jeff Kenna League

Testiculadew toppled

Having forged what looked like an unassailable lead by September, FC Testiculadew have lost the top spot to Lokomotiv Leeds.

The northern club have mounted a growing challenge in recent weeks due to strong showings from Rafa Van der Vaart, Yaya Touré and Daniel Sturridge.

It was a goal and clean sheet from Slovak Martin Skrtel that made the difference this weekend as Lokomotiv pipped FCT at the table top by three points.

However, a dark shadow hangs over Leeds’ title hopes as Yaya Touré could be off to Africa.

Another dark shadow hangs over other parts of the Kenna in the form of rac1sm. Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez was handed an eight-match ban for comments made to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Thieving Magpies are also set to face more woe as defender John Terry is expected to be charged with rac1sm.

“I don’t understand it, you couldn’t meet a nicer guy,” lied the ‘Pies boss.

Pikey Scum (first window)

Manager: Mr Jack Bowley

Since: 2005 (founder member)

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point

Sympathies: Spurs

Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Evra, P	MUN	£18.5m
Johnson, G	LIV	£0.5m
Richards, M	MCY	£8.5m
Santos, A	ARS	£0.5m
Bannan, B	AVL	£6.5m
Gutierrez, J	NEW	£2.5m
Eagles, C	BOL	£1.5m
Meireles, R	CHE	£0.5m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£43m
Bendtner, N	SUN	£13m
		£95.5m

PHONEJACK-ERR

The Pikey Scum manager’s transfer window preparations were left in tatters last night after he was arrested.

Police collared the Scum boss on the grounds that the stolen iPhone incident he was apparently the victim of on Tuesday was allegedly an elaborate insurance fraud.

Details have emerged that the chief suspect in the case was known to the Scum manager beforehand and was actually his defender Patrice Evra.

“I’m telling you, the guy was a honky!” pleaded the Scum gaffer as stoney-faced policemen placed him in handcuffs at the club’s home stadium Trailer Park.

Evra was brought in for questioning, but he just shrugged a lot while chainsmoking Gauloises. Both men were bailed in the early hours.

Police initially followed up leads that a third man was involved and arrested the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

He was later released due to lack of evidence.

“This be gettin’ ridiculous,” said the Spartak manager this morning outside the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility. “If ye tryin’ to throw me in the brig, ye should try doin’ it for summint I actually done, like those French tourists I got locked in me….um….shivver me timbers, be that the time? I must be away to get shipshape for ye transfer porthole.”

PIKEY SCUM!

The Pikey Scum manager is making an charitable appeal after his iPhone was snatched yesterday.

In an incident laced with irony, the Scum manager’s phone was grabbed by a passing cyclist while he was trying to resolve the weekend’s incident involving his star defender Patrice Evra.

The assailant is still at large.

“I’ll be raising money to buy a new iPhone at the transfer night,” said the optimistic Scum manager.

A CCTV still photo has been released of the suspect. It shows a black man in his 20s wearing a sleeveless hooded top and riding a bicycle just before the incident.

Police initially brought in the Spartak Mogadishu manager for questioning, but he was later released due to lack of evidence.

“I prefers to do me plunderin’ at cutlass point,” said the Spartak manager.

Dropping the N-bomb

Luis Suarez and Patrice Evra — "Where's your caravan?"

The Kenna was rocked this week by allegations of derogatory remarks made during a match to Pikey Scum defender Patrice Evra.

Superfuzz striker Luis Suarez, who stands accused of using the ‘N’ word, denies any wrongdoing and has the full backing of his manager.

“Like all my players, Luis epitomises the civility, taste and style of Superfuzz FC and I can’t imagine him ever coming out with this type of remark during a match,” said the manager, after putting in a discreet telephone call to Ebony Entertainments Ltd to cancel down the surprise stripper for the club’s Halloween party.

The Pikey Scum manager defended claims that his defender fabricated the incident to draw attention away from another lacklustre performance.

“Being the Pikey Scum of the Kenna it’s a sad fact that we’ve grown used to these sort of comments and this type of negative stereotyping,” he said, while loading scrap metal into an untaxed van under the cover of darkness. “But, to call Patrice a ‘nomad’ during league play, that’s just unacceptable.”