fabio – The Jeff Kenna League

League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].

“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”

PSV Mornington

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook: A lower mid-table club, and from the looks of this offering, lower mid-table ambition. A hotch potch back five and, £28m Mata and £17m Ba aside, a team that used to be sort of promising. Leiva’s a holding midfielder returning from long injury, just two goals were scored from Delap throw ins last season and Noble’s out of touch at this level. Gabby Agbonlahor? Didn’t he play for England once?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Chico	SWA	£6m
Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Mata, J	CHE	£28m
Noble, M	WHM	£8m
Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Agbonlahor, G	AVL	£7m
Jones, K	STO	£0.5m
	Total	£69.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m	Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Sahin, N	LIV	£7m	McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Ba, D	CHE	£17m	Jones, K	STO	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Gazzaniga, P (B)	SOT	£4.5m	de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	EVE	£6m	Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Senderos, P	FUL	£5m	Chico	SWA	£6m
Fabio	QPR	£5m	Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Brown, W	SUN	£3m	Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m
Delap, R	STO	£0.5m	Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
Leiva, L	LIV	£0.5m	Sahin, N	LIV	£7m

Lokomotiv Leeds

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: Runner up

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Lokomotiv Anthem

Outlook: Competent team with the potential to mount a challenge in their second Kenna season. All the money’s gone on Rising Sun Kagawa, Sigurdsson, and shoring up a defence that has already bagged two goals. Ryan Taylor’s free kicks a snip at point five. The manager will be hoping to avoid the downturn in form last season, after high flying at Christmas.

Cesar, J	QPR	£0.5m
Clichy, G	MCY	£15m
Riise, J	FUL	£10m
Ivanovic, B	CHE	£10m
Vertonghen, J	TOT	£14m
Kagawa, S	MUN	£26m
Larsson, S	SUN	£6m
Cabeye, Y	NEW	£0.5m
Bannan, B	AVL	£0.5m
Giroud, O	ARS	£6m
Walters, J	STO	£7m
	Total	£96m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Gorkss, K	REA	£0.5m	Vertonghen, J	TOT	£14m
Sigurdsson, G	TOT	£20m	Larsson, S	SUN	£6m
McCarthy, J	WIG	£0.5m	Bannan, B	AVL	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Federici, A	REA	£0.5m	Cesar, J	QPR	£0.5m
Fabio	QPR	£0.5m	Gorkss, K	REA	£0.5m
Holman, B	AVL	£0.5m	Cabeye, Y	NEW	£0.5m
Taylor, R	NEW	£0.5m	McCarthy, J	WIG	£0.5m

DTS Grosvenor (second window)

The Dan Terry Seduction made no transfers in the second window

Manager: Mr Dan Terry (ENG)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Hart, J	MCY	£20m
Fabio	MUN	£1m
Elokobi, G	WLV	£0.5m
King, L	TOT	£0.5m
Martin, R	NOR	£0.5m
Tiote, C	NEW	£0.5m
Malouda, F	CHE	£26m
Larsson, S	SUN	£6.5m
Osman, L	EVE	£5m
Crouch, P	STO	£8m
Odemwingie, P	WBA	£19m
		£87.5m

DTS Grosvenor (first window)

Manager: Mr Dan Terry (ENG)

Since: 2010

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Hart, J	MCY	£20m
Fabio	MUN	£1m
Elokobi, G	WLV	£0.5m
King, L	TOT	£0.5m
Martin, R	NOR	£0.5m
Tiote, C	NEW	£0.5m
Malouda, F	CHE	£26m
Larsson, S	SUN	£6.5m
Osman, L	EVE	£5m
Crouch, P	STO	£8m
Odemwingie, P	WBA	£19m
		£87.5m