fantasy football – Page 15 – The Jeff Kenna League

Khashoggi set for surprise Kenna appearance

MISSING journalist Jamal Khashoggi is expected to make a shock appearance at the Kenna League transfer window on Friday (19 October).

Turkish authorities alerted news outlets to Khashoggi’s disappearance earlier this month with allegations of undercover involvement by a Saudi Arabia government unhappy with the journalist’s criticism of the regime.

Sources inside Kenna HQ contradict that narrative.

They claim a set of CCTV stills proves beyond doubt the journalist was kidnapped by the Kenna HQ manager experiences department, a notorious wing of the fantasy football league’s apparatus involved in blackmail, kidnapping and ‘wet work’.

It is thought Khashoggi is set to make his debut as a Titus Bramble forfeit player at Friday’s window.

Khashoggi will join Jimmy Savile, Barry Bennell, Ian Brady, Rolf Harris, Harold Shipman and Stuart Hazell as a Bramble player, the others being released by managers ahead of today’s noon player release deadline.

A source at the Saudi consulate concurred with the Kenna HQ account in quotes cited reported by Al-Jazeera: “Khashoggi did visit the consulate but left via the back door. There were a few guys outside, he talked to them and then they got into a Hertz rental car. One of the guys looked a lot like Emanuel Pogatetz.

“Like we said, it’s just a total coincidence the Saudi consul decided to redecorate his residence afterwards.”

In a statement earlier, the Kenna chairman said: “To think the Saudis would abduct and murder a man on foreign soil just because he criticised the regime. How ridiculous! What’s next: Russian spies unleashing nerve agent in English cathedral cities?

“Anyway, we’re really getting our money’s worth out of that Saudi Arabia bunting we bought for the Kharine World Cup.”

A total of 18 players were released by managers today (below). As usual the auction spendthrift Dynamo Charlton manager takes the biggest war chest into the transfer window: £37.5m.

Khashoggi style – alternative journalist disappearance in pictures

Biggin Hill Airport – A private plane registered to Kenna HQ is spotted preparing for take off the night before Khashoggi’s disappearance.

Ataturk Airport, Istanbul – Members of the Kenna manager experiences department, including Clint Dempsey and Emanuel Pogatetz, are seen being waved through airport security.

North London – Jamal Khashoggi seen arriving at Kenna HQ this week under the watchful eye of manager experiences department ‘muscle’.

Released players and remaining budgets

*indicates a manager absent from the auction receiving the average remaining budget

Manager	Releases	Remaining budget	Remaining budget (inc. bonus)	Auction attendance
Dynamo Charlton	Hernandez (WHU, ST)	27.5	37.5	Present
Dulwich Red Sox	None	19.5	29.5	Present
Lokomotiv Leeds	Fabinho (LIV, MF), Bonatini (WLV, ST)	18	28	Present
Dark Lord	Clyne (LIV, DF)	11.5	21.5	Present
Sporting Lesbian	Guaita (CRY, GK), Kongolo (HUD, DF), Schar (NEW, DF)	9	19	Present
Dagger’n’Redbridge	None	8.5*	18.5	Absent
The treasurer	Balogun (BTN, DF), Joselu (NEW, ST), Perez (WHU, ST)	8.5*	18.5	Absent
Pikey Scum	None	8.5*	18.5	Absent
Newington Reds	Phil Jones (MUN, DF), Mawson (FUL, DF), Andre Gomes (EVE, MF)	8.5*	18.5	Absent
Test Team	None	7	17	Present
JPF	Lovren (LIV, DF), Moses (CHE, DF), Niasse (EVE, ST)	7	17	Present
Craving Cottaging	Ian Brady (BRM DF), Stuart Hazell (BRM, DF), Delph (MCY, MF), Gabbiadini (SOT, ST)	7	17	Present
Piss Poor	None	6	16	Present
Fat Ladies	Herrera (MUN, MF), Puncheon (CRY, MF)	4.5	14.5	Present
Mo Me The Mane	Barry Bennell (BRM, MF), Rolf Harris (BRM, ST)	3	13	Present
Cowley Casuals	Fredricks (WHU, DF), Lichsteiner (ARS, DF), Fred (MUN, MF)	3	13	Present
Chairman	None	2	12	Present
Still Don’t Know Yet	Batshuayi (VAL, ST), Romero (MUN, GK)	1.5	11.5	Present
Clotted Cream First	Lanzini (WHU, ST)	1	11	Present
Young Boys	Heaton (BUR, GK), Harold Shipman (BRM, MF), Llorente (TOT, ST)	0.5	10.5	Present
The Pirate	Danilo (MCY, DF), Besic (MID, MF), Wilshere (WHU, MF)	0.5	10.5	Present
Magpies	None	0	10	Present
Fadges	Christiansen (CHE, DF)	0	10	Present
Tottenham Network Solutions	Jimmy Savile (BRM, MF)	0	10	Present

‘Sham slut’ rule set to wake up next Friday’s window

TUMULT is expected at next Friday’s Kenna transfer window when a new ‘sham slut’ rule will be imposed for the first time.

Rather than the evening disintegrating into a beery haze of meandering signings and unkept promises of all-night drinking in Bermondsey, transfer dealings are set to cease when an old alarm clock sounds at 10pm.

The new rule is likely to cause disarray with canny managers who prey on their competitors’ lack of moderation. And of course, the Pirate.

“Managers will have exactly three hours from 7pm to sign players through the traditional auction method. Once the alarm clock sounds there will be no more sales,” warned a Kenna HQ statement.

“Anyone who hasn’t made their signings before the window ‘shams slut’ will have their side auto-filled”, a tactic working quite well for the Pikey Scum manager, Kenna HQ failed to add.

Kenna table – week 8

The ballad of Aaron Lennon

RECORD numbers of managers in the Kenna League this season means pickings will be their slimmest ever in the first transfer window two weeks on Friday.

Predictably, the best-performing available players combined would be top of the league and come from unfashionable clubs like Cardiff, Huddersfield and Wolves.

Available XI – 260 points

Etheridge – Cardiff goalkeeper – 23 points

Otto – Wolves defender – 31 points
Holebas – Watford defender – 30 points
Bennett – Wolves defender – 26 points
Wan-Bissaka – Palace defender – 23 points

Billing – Huddersfield midfielder – 22 points
Hughes – Watford midfielder – 21 points
Costa – Wolves midfielder – 20 points
Knockaert – Brighton midfielder – 26 points
Lennon – Burnley midfielder – 24 points

Ward – Cardiff striker – 14 points

Wolverhampton in particular enjoy overrepresentation among Kenna managers, no fewer than three Wulfrunians compete this season – Reds, ‘Pies and Casuals.

Even though eleven Wolves were signed in August, three are still at large awaiting vastly inflated price tags at the Kenna window on Friday 19 October.

But one available player name from Burnley stands out above the rest.

Aaron Lennon.

The winger has recovered from his personal problems to be a surprise package in the Kenna this season with 24 points already.

That’s two points less than Lokomotiv Leeds players Alexis Sanchez (£30m) and Alvaro Morata (£25m) put together.

Managers can anticipate to dig deep for Aaron Lennon, despite his patchy Kenna history.

Lennon burst into the Kenna off the back of World Cup appearances in 2006.

Vazmanian Devils paid a whopping £21.5m for the domestic services of the diminutive Yorkshireman following the international tournament, only to finish last in the league.

(Incidentally, only two players to feature in the Kenna that season were signed this summer: Jermaine Defoe and Cesc Fabregas. Rob Green remains unsigned.)

Lennon’s highlight of the rest of the noughties was a 2nd place finish with Recreativo Brockley in May 2008.

Since then the winger’s most notable contribution to the Kenna was a £14m signing for This is Sparta…Prague in 2013, where he ended up in a midfield with Jesus Navas, Jozef Fritzl and Jeremy Forrest.

TIS…P finished the season 20th, one place above the relegation zone.

It’s one of many lower table finishes Lennon has enjoyed in his Kenna career.

But with little on offer at the transfer window in two weeks, Aaron is bound to be snapped up.

The question is: will he continue to perform or will he leave his new manager stranded on the roadside?

Aaron Lennon’s Kenna career

August 2006 – £21.5m to Vazmian Devils (finished 9th – last)

August 2007 – £3m to Recreativo Brockley (finished 2nd)

August 2008 – £7m to the chairman (finished 9th)

August 2010 – £15m to Deportivo Kensington (finished 9th)

August 2011 – £10m to FC Testiculadew. Released in October and bought by Hairy Fadjeetas for £8.5m in February 2012. FCT won the double, Fadges finished 17th.

August 2012 – £8.5m to Greendale Rockets (finished 17th)

August 2013 – £14m to This is Sparta…Prague (finished 20th)

August 2014 – £3m to Still Don’t Know Yet (finished 18th)

August 2017 – £0.5m autofill to Judean Peoples’ Front. Released on October and signed in February 2018 to a desperate Young Boys manager for £13m (finished 12th).

Kenna table – week 7

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 7 - 2 October 2018 — Kenna week 7 – 2 October 2018

Scum boss ‘relieved’ to be knocked from Kenna summit

THE Pikey Scum manager has talked of his ‘utter relief’ at being knocked from the top of the Kenna League table just short of 12 months up there.

Young Boys assumed pole position this week ending a Pikey Scum run which started on 7 October 2017 – game week seven of last season.

The Scum boss first aired his concerns upon winning the Dmitri Kharine World Cup in July.

“I’ve got to be honest, it was starting to get embarrassing,” said the Scum boss from his New York home.

“While the rest of the league were physically at the auction, responding to dynamics of the event I was picking up the odd player through silent bids and patchy Whatsapp messages. How do you think I ended up signing Mitrovic?

“How everyone else continually failed to beat someone bidding from 2,000 miles away is really beyond me. Although saying that, I hardly won anything when I actually attended auctions.”

Kenna HQ has dismissed concerns the choice of holding auctions in the pub leads to reduced decision-making capabilities in managers present.

“Kenna managers are dedicated to the league and not easily distracted from the seamier diversions of London life,” said the Kenna chairman in a press conference this lunchtime called outside The Holborn Whippet.

“This is the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league and we take that title very seriously. It’s not like we’re all abusing alcohol or getting high.”

Kenna table week 6

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 6 - 25 September 2018 — Kenna week 6 – 25 September 2018

My chairman wrote a porno (about Asier Del Horno)

STACY Amplebean was working late in her new temping role.

She had found an admin job with a football league to earn some extra money. The work was okay, the money was good, and the people were nice.

In particular, she was a little fascinated with her supervisor Asier. They had worked together quite closely over the last few days and she was taken by his simple but forceful Latin looks. He was in his late thirties he looked like he still kept in shape. He had been a professional footballer.

It was shortly after six o’clock and it was just Stacy and Asier left in the office. Even though it was September the weather was still warm, and Stacy had taken to wearing a short skirt and little top to work in the stuffy storeroom taking inventory.

She was making small talk to pass the time: “People in the office say you were a defender and your tackle is very hard.”

Asier stopped and turned, looking a little sly. He said: “Did they tell you how hard?”

“I suppose I’ll have to find out for myself,” Stacy replied, tilting her head a little to one side.

Asier gave a small laugh and raised an eyebrow. Stacy immediately stopped resisting an urge she’d had for the last week, stepped towards him and kissed him softly on the lips.

As she pressed her body to his, she felt just how hard his tackle was becoming. “Del Horno by name…” said Stacy, before dropping to her knees.

Having undone his belt buckle, she slid his trousers and underwear down. The movement ended with Asier springing back to attention like a corner flag recovering from an errant sliding challenge.

Stacy began to softly caress him with her hands. “It’s true what they say then,” she giggled.

“Now it’s my turn, Miss Amplebean,” he said. Stacy knew exactly what he meant, having heard the reference to her surname many times.

“I didn’t know your English was so accomplished,” she replied, stood and lifted her skirt to reveal a small patch of white cotton already a little moist.

In his experienced, Basque hands her panties put up as much resistance as Real Sociedad under David Moyes.

Before long he was massaging her, his fingers working as deftly and with as much timing of a fin de siècle Arsenal back four springing the offside trap.

Stacy moaned, breathing harder, and thought of Nigel Winterburn.

Kenna table week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna week 5 - 18 September 2018 — Kenna week 5 – 18 September 2018

Craven Cottaging 2018/19

Manager: Andrew

Since: 2018

Home ground: Bishop’s Park

Training facility: The Gents

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Fulham

Darts music: Fast Love – George Michael

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £17m
Spend: £5.5m
Player sales: £0.5m (Gabbiadini to Bala Rinas)
Remaining budget: £12m

de Gea, D	MUN	£18.00
Danilo (TW1)	MCY	£0.50
Lowton, M	BUR	£4.00
Christensen, A (TW1)	CHE	£0.50
Stanislas, J	BOU	£1.00
Wilshere, J (TW1)	WHM	£0.50
Mane, S	LIV	£30.00
Alli, D	TOT	£25.00
Torreira, L	ARS	£0.50
Gayle, D (TW1)	NEW	£4.00
Calvert-Lewin, D	EVE	£0.50
		£81

Auction XI

de Gea, D	MUN	£18.00
Ian Brady	BRM	£4.00
Lowton, M	BUR	£4.00
Stuart Hazel	BRM	£5.00
Stanislas, J	BOU	£1.00
Delph, F	MCY	£1.00
Mane, S	LIV	£30.00
Alli, D	TOT	£25.00
Torreira, L	ARS	£0.50
Gabbiadini, M	SOT	£4.00
Calvert-Lewin, D	EVE	£0.50
		£93.00

Russian suspects named in Kharine ‘poisoning’ scandal

POLICE have released photos of two Russian agents suspected of poisoning managers at a World Cup fantasy football auction this summer.

Ruslan Borishov and Alexander Petrov were captured on CCTV at a train station (pictured) just hours before the Dmitri Kharine World Cup 2018 auction descended into chaos with several managers allegedly testing positive for a banned substance.

Thought to be agents of the Russian military intelligence unit GRU, the two men are suspected to have poisoned participants in ‘The Kharine’ held at the Hoop & Grapes on Farringdon Road.

Kharine managers have repeatedly denied reports Kenna League-backed doping. They claim the CCTV image ‘proves beyond doubt the Russians are behind everything’.

The manager of Breivik Babes, who finished fourth from bottom in the Kharine, says Russian interference cost him the chance of winning the competition.

He said: “During the Kharine auction I was briefly mindless and when I came to I’d bought Mauro Icardi. He wasn’t even in the Argentina squad.

“The Russians are definitely behind this. You’d never find me getting high at a Kenna auction.”

The Kharine ‘poisoning’ was so widespread a manager absent from the auction ended up winning the competition putting in silent bids from New York.

At the time the Pikov Scuminov manager said the victory ‘doesn’t feel right’.

Mo Me The Mané 2018/19

Manager: Mackay (Shrewsbury)

Since: 2018

Home ground: Salah Street

Training facility: The Sadio

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Show Me The Money – Mike Diva

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £13m
Spend: £12.5m
Players sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £0.5m

Lossl, J	HUD	£5.00
Rose, D	TOT	£8.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£4.00
Tarkowski, J	BUR	£6.00
Matip, J	LIV	£5.00
Silva, D	MCY	£22.00
Seri, J	FUL	£11.00
Hughes, W	WAT	£3.00
Brooks, D (TW1)	BOU	£12.00
Rashford, M	MUN	£12.00
Bonatini, L (TW1)	WLV	£0.50
		£88.50

Auction XI

Lossl, J	HUD	£5.00
Rose, D	TOT	£8.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£4.00
Tarkowski, J	BUR	£6.00
Matip, J	LIV	£5.00
Silva, D	MCY	£22.00
Seri, J	FUL	£11.00
Hughes, W	WAT	£3.00
Barry Bennell	BRM	£16.00
Rashford, M	MUN	£12.00
Rolf Harris	BRM	£5.00
		£97.00

Clotted Cream First 2018/19

Bloody Mary: The Clotted Cream First manager

Manager: Oli (Devon)

Since: 2018

Home ground: The Dairy

Training facility: Princetown

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: Exeter City

Darts music: Devonshire Cream and Cider – Malcolm McEachern

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £11m
Spend: £10m
Player sales: £0.5m (Lanzini to Lokomotiv Leeds)
Remaining budget: £1.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£15.00
Alexander-Arnold, T	LIV	£6.00
Ake, N	BOU	£4.00
Lascelles, J	NEW	£7.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£8.00
McArthur, J	CRY	£2.00
Xhaka, G	ARS	£0.50
Costa, H (TW1)	WLV	£8.00
Barkley, R (TW1)	CHE	£2.00
Aguero, S	MCY	£40.00
Austin, C	SOT	£11.00
		£103.50

Auction XI

Lloris, H	TOT	£15.00
Alexander-Arnold, T	LIV	£6.00
Ake, N	BOU	£4.00
Lascelles, J	NEW	£7.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£8.00
McArthur, J	CRY	£2.00
Xhaka, G	ARS	£0.50
Lanzini, M	WHM	£5.00
Izquierdo, J	BTN	£0.50
Aguero, S	MCY	£40.00
Austin, C	SOT	£11.00
		£99.00

Dagger’n Redbridge 2018/19

Rob anon — Hay carumba: The Dagger’n Redbridge manager

Manager: Rob (London)

Twitter name: @pixelbasheriser

Since: 2018

Home ground: Elm Park

Training facility: Rippleside Knife Bin

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
Debut season

Sympathies: QPR

Darts music: Chelsea Dagger – The Fratellis

Second transfer window – February 2019

Starting budget: £118.5m
Spend: £44.5m
Player sales:
Remaining budget:

Ryan, M	BTN	£0.50
Tarkowski, J	BUR	£3.00
Smith, A	BOU	£0.50
Morgan, W	LEI	£0.50
Rice, D	WHM	£9.00
Foden, P	MCY	£1.00
Matic, N	MUN	£0.50
Ibe, J	BOU	£12.00
March, S	BTN	£15.00
Llorente, F	TOT	£0.50
Gray, D	LEI	£15.00
		£57.50

First transfer window – October 2018

Starting budget: £108.5
Spend: N/A
Player sales: N/A
Remaining budget: £108.5m

Ryan, M	BTN	£0.50
Tarkowski, J	BUR	£3.00
Smith, A	BOU	£0.50
Morgan, W	LEI	£0.50
Klavan, R	LIV	£0.50
Foden, P	MCY	£1.00
Matic, N	MUN	£0.50
Dembele, M	TOT	£0.50
Romeu, O	SOT	£0.50
Ayew, J	CRY	£0.50
Abraham, T	CHE	£0.50
		£8.50

Auction XI

Ryan, M	BTN	£0.50
Tarkowski, J	BUR	£3.00
Smith, A	BOU	£0.50
Morgan, W	LEI	£0.50
Klavan, R	LIV	£0.50
Foden, P	MCY	£1.00
Matic, N	MUN	£0.50
Dembele, M	TOT	£0.50
Romeu, O	SOT	£0.50
Ayew, J	CRY	£0.50
Abraham, T	CHE	£0.50
		£8.50