fantasy football – Page 24 – The Jeff Kenna League

Klünter #FCK

THE result of last night’s Europa League game between Arsenal and FC Köln is immaterial.

Instead many people will remember the occasion for the 20,000 Germans who tipped up in central London and stopped traffic. Much to the delight of social media and the surprise of police.

Belting out something in supposedly Rhine Valley accented German, FC Köln fans were recorded in a number of scenarios from marching through Soho…

FC Koln have arrived & theyve brought 70% of any atmosphere the emirates will have tonight. pic.twitter.com/wlm9sG1XHg

— EmanDaGoon (@EmanDaGoonn) September 14, 2017

…to doing a thunderclap outside the Oxford Street branch of Matalan.

Cologne Fc fans on Oxford street on the way to @Arsenal. More atmosphere in my meeting room than the Emirates #EuropaLeague #Arsenal pic.twitter.com/zF2zZmFL3f

— Jack Marczewski (@j_cheski) September 14, 2017

Fans then headed north to the Emirates to delay kick off by an hour. High spirits or hooliganism? It feels sensationalist to call it the latter.

But overall many will remember the game for the tremendous support.

The enlightened few, however, will remember it for number 24 on the FC Köln team sheet: Lukas Klünter.

There have been many outstanding names to emerge from Teutonic football. Stefan Kuntz, Julian Draxler and Pascal Zuberbühler to name but three.

Lukas Klünter though. It’s so delicious.

Even with limited knowledge of German pronunciation the umlaut on the ‘ü’ makes it sound like ‘Kloonter’.

Better though is saying it with the flat ‘u’ in English. Klunter.

Should the young defender progress to Die Mannschaft at a future tournament and be involved in either end of a career-ending tackle, surely his name will immediately pass into the English dictionary: ‘Ooh, that was a real Klunter.’

Marvelous.

Klünter has only made 12 appearances for FC Köln first team so far (last night he was subbed off for an attacker as his side chased the game), but we hope to see his name for many years to come.

Or at least until a cheap replica shirt is available on the internet.

Kenna League table week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna table week 4 - 12 September 2017 — Kenna table week 4 – 12 September 2017

Like Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House

THE chairman is to cede control of an auction in the world’s leading London pub-based fantasy football league for the first time in history, according to sources at Kenna HQ.

It’s believed the 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup auction next June will be coordinated and run by another member of the league.

In the 12 years since the Kenna League founded, the chairman has been responsible for running 13 domestic and six international tournament auctions.

The news prompted jubilant scenes at the Young Boys of Vauxhall training facility Fiddler’s Harris (pictured).

The Young Boys manager, who is also vice chairman of the Kenna League, is a long-time critic of the Kenna leadership, fomenting unrest at every opportunity.

The Welsh-Belgian has claimed he would have been chairman were it not for inherent racism against the people of Wales at Kenna HQ.

Last November, he used the #NotMyChairman protests among Kenna managers to further his own case for taking over the league.

Should the vice chairman assume control of the World Cup auction it’s thought he will make root-and-branch changes to the event.

Last August, the Welshman broke into a 10-minute rant at what he considered unfair processes with the league’s notorious forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

What’s become the traditional venue of the auction, the Hoop and Grapes on Farringdon Road, could also be under threat.

It’s feared the auction could move from a convenient central London location to the Young Boys’ Yewtree Lane home ground in the transport blackhole of Battersea.

‘The chairman’s been running these auctions well for years, but he feels now could be time to let someone else have a go,’ said the source at Kenna HQ.

‘Should he pass control of the auction to the vice chairman, I’m sure it’ll never come to be likened to Donald Trump giving Kim Jong un the keys to the White House.’

Don’t Know Yet 2017/18

Undecided: The Don’t Know Yet manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)
2015/16 – 19th (relegated)
2016/17 – Did not enter

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Buying four players, dropping the mic and leaving the rest to autofill could guarantee a third straight relegation – 50/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £2.5m

No changes.

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Ryan, M (TW1)	BTN	£0.50
Otamendi, N	MCY	£0.50
Reid, W	WHM	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£0.50
Maguire, H	LEI	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£20.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£30.00
Pedro	CHE	£18.00
Mata, J	MUN	£18.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£6.00
Calvert-Lewin, D (TW1)	EVE	£12.00
		£106.5m

Auction XI (4-4-2)
Remaining budget: £5m

Karius, L	LIV	£0.50
Otamendi, N	MCY	£0.50
Reid, W	WHM	£0.50
Dann, S	CRY	£0.50
Maguire, H	LEI	£0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£20.00
Eriksen, C	TOT	£30.00
Pedro	CHE	£18.00
Mata, J	MUN	£18.00
Vokes, S	BUR	£6.00
Afobe, B	BOU	£0.50
		£95.00

Piss Poor 2017/18

Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Tempered the incredible bargain of Alvaro Morata when the player became unexpectedly available by signing a Roma player. Piss poor transfer window attendance record – 100/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Player sales: Valencia to Sporting Lesbian for £0.5m, Barkley to FCT for £0.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
van der Hoorn, M	SWA	£0.5m
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Schindler, C	HUD	£17.00
Mangala, E (TW2)	EVE	£0.50
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Allen, J (TW2)	STO	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Sanchez, A	MUN	£22.00
		£92m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £4.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£9.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Schindler, C (TW1)	HUD	£17.00
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Snodgrass, R	WHM	£6.00
Barkley, R	CHE	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Sanchez, A (TW1)	ARS	£22.00
		£97m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £33.5m

Lloris, H	TOT	£10.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£9.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£4.00
Kolarov, A	ROM	£8.00
Ox-Chamberlain, A	LIV	£5.00
Ibe, J	BOU	£3.00
Snodgrass, R	WHM	£6.00
Barkley, R	EVE	£6.00
Morata, A	CHE	£6.00
Rondon, S	WBA	£9.00
Origi, D	LIV	£0.50
		£66.50

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2017/18

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Manager attempts to bounce back from his disappointing title defence last season by signing three defensive midfield players and making Christian Benteke his second-most-expensive player – 35/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018
Remaining budget: £5m

Player sales: Steve Davis to Sleptember XI for £0.5m

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Sanchez, D (TW1)	TOT	£5.00
Hegazi, A (TW1)	WBA	£2.00
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Lennon, A (TW2)	BUR	£13.00
Henderson, J (TW2 – from JPF)	LIV	£0.50
Hugill, J (TW2)	WHM	£0.50
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Deeney, T (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
		£75.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £8.5m

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Sanchez, D (TW1)	TOT	£5.00
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Hegazi, A (TW1)	WBA	£2.00
Sako, B (TW1)	CRY	£0.50
Davis, S (TW1)	SOT	£0.50
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Deeney, T (TW1)	WAT	£8.00
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Joselu	STO	£0.50
		£70.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £14.5M

Fabianski, L	SWA	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£17.00
Nyom, A	WBA	£0.50
Bailly, E	MUN	£5.00
Ndidi, W	LEI	£0.50
Ward-Prowse, J	SOT	£0.50
Gradel, M	BOU	£0.50
Dier, E	TOT	£0.50
Benteke, C	CRY	£29.00
Jesus, G	MCY	£31.00
Joselu	STO	£0.50
		£85.50

Walthamstow Reds 2017/18

English food: The Newington Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co founder and committee member)

Home ground: The Old Dog Track

Training facility: Banbury Reservoir

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2005/06 – 2nd
2006/07 – 7th
2007/08 – 4th
2008/09 – 4th
2009/10 – 3rd
2010/11 – 11th
2011/12 – 3rd
2012/13 – 11th
2013/14 – 7th
2014/15 – 8th
2015/16 – 2nd
2016/17 – 11th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Now the only manager to enter all 13 seasons of the Kenna with an empty trophy cabinet, soon to become 14 – 30/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £20.5m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Clark, C (TW1)	NEW	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Carroll, T	SWA	£0.5m
Heung-min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£94.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £10.5m

Player sales: Michy Batshuayi to FC Testiculadew for £0.5m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Clark, C (TW1)	NEW	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Okaka, S (TW1)	WAT	£0.50
Heung-Min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£94.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £1m

Butland, J	STO	£0.50
Keane, M	EVE	£4.00
Ake, N	BOU	£0.50
Fonte, J	WHM	£0.50
Silva, D	MCY	£24.00
Pogba, P	MUN	£23.00
Zaha, W	CRY	£16.00
Redmond, N	SOT	£6.00
Batshuayi, M	CHE	£5.00
Heung-Min, S	TOT	£19.00
Mounie, S	HUD	£0.50
		£99.00

Two Goals One Cup 2017/18

Spencer anon — Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2016/17 – 15th

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Lost Peter Crouch on a Bramble, but still has plenty up front and solid at the rear, a bit like the Two Goals Bramble player, fnarr! fnarr! – 25/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £4m

Karius, L (TW2)	LIV	£0.50
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Gudmondsson, JB (TW2)	BUR	£0.50
Fabregas, C	CHE	£0.50
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Murray, G (TW2)	BTN	£20.00
		£99.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £15.5m

Mignolet, S	LIV	£5.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
Tarkowski, J (TW1)	BUR	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£10.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Long, S (TW1)	SOT	£0.50
		£93.50

Auction XI (4-3-3)
Remaining budget: £6.5m

Mignolet, S	LIV	£5.00
Koscielny, L	ARS	£7.00
Blind, D	MUN	£5.00
Zabaleta, P	WHM	£5.00
van Aanholt, P	CRY	£0.50
Sterling, R	MCY	£24.00
Fabregas, C	CHE	£10.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£0.50
Vardy, J	LEI	£18.00
Rooney, W	EVE	£18.00
Clancy, A	BRM	£0.50
		£93.50

Roberto Firmino

Rifles once more the ball into the net,

Or sets another up to do the same,

Brazil’s fair crop of talent again yet

Enlivens North West England’s pressing game.

Roberto’s entry into Europe’s sphere,

To ply his silky skills next to the Rhine,

Oft saw defenders ever more in fear,

Forthwith he is a genuine false nine.

In fantasy his season’s started well

Reaping more than seven league points a week.

Much joy the Lokomotiv fans will tell

In sitting high upon the Kenna’s peak.

Never have they enjoyed a title’s glow

Out seldom from mid-table’s end they go.

Kenna table week 3

Full scores available from The Rub.

Pikey Scum 2017/18

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

What the chalkstripes in Kenna HQ speculations department are saying: Oh dear, would you look at that midfield, and £8m on Bravo. There are some things even Harry Kane can’t do – 66/1

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018
Remaining budget: £16m

Lossl, J (TW1)	HUD	£ 5.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Robertson, A (TW2)	LIV	£0.50
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, J	SWA	£1.00
Boufal, S (TW2)	SOT	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£90.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017
Remaining budget: £7m

Losl, J (TW1)	HUD	£ 5.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Lovren, D	LIV	£5.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£1.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£95m

Auction XI (3-4-3)
Remaining budget: £2m

Bravo, C	MCY	£ 8.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£18.00
Lovren, D	LIV	£5.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£5.00
Dunk, L	BTN	£2.00
Townsend, A	CRY	£3.00
Ayew, A	WHM	£1.00
Shelvey, J	NEW	£0.50
Albrighton, M	LEI	£0.50
Rashford, M	MUN	£15.00
Kane, H	TOT	£40.00
		£98.00

Toby Alderweireld

THE glory days of La Liga titles and Champions League finals are a distant memory for Toby Alderweireld.

On the evening of the Kenna League auction 14 days ago, the Belgian defender became the Sleptember XI manager’s most expensive signing at £18m.

But any hopes of improving on Sleptember’s debut sixth-place finish last season look short lived. The club are propping up the table.

Yaya Toure, Deigo Costa, Fernando Llorente, Adam Lallana, Marcus Rojo and Scott Malone are all yet to start for the club.

Alderweireld is among four players to enjoy some game time, although while Etienne Capoue and Darren Fletcher have produced humble returns, goalkeeper Joe Hart is on a season total of minus one point.

Legions of fans have been critical of the manager’s recruitment policy.

Diego Costa is a case in point.

Every other manager at the auction suppressed snickers of schadenfreude as the Sleptember manager engaged in a small bidding war for lot number 14.

Remaining deadpan while a competitor throws away his budget on a player unlikely to play in England again is a challenge for even the most seasoned Kenna manager.

What thigh-slapping relief when the Sleptember manager didn’t catch on and signed Costa for £15m!

Events must have taken a toll on the unfortunate Sleptember boss.

Inhibited by the Costa blunder, Sleptember went on to trigger the Titus Bramble ruling.

Remember Stan Collymore? No longer a striker with a wayward personal life, Collymore is now a broadcaster and journalist with a more balanced personal life.

Except, given the events in Royal Tunbridge Wells this weekend, one wonders whether Stan The Man is slipping into old habits.

Locals appear to have been vindicated in their protest against Flamefest sex festival in Kent, where one unfortunate man was pronounced dead and a woman went to hospital.

‘Discreet’ adult play area staffed by dominatrices and an outdoor dungeon. For Toby Alderweireld the October transfer window can’t come soon enough.

Kenna table – week 2

Full scores available at The Rub.

Kenna League table week 4

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £2.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £2.5m

Auction XI (4-4-2) Remaining budget: £5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £6.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £4.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £33.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 October 2018 Remaining budget: £5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £8.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £14.5M

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £20.5m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £10.5m

Auction XI (3-4-3) Remaining budget: £1m

Second transfer window – Friday 4 February 2018 Remaining budget: £4m

First transfer window – Friday 6 October 2017 Remaining budget: £15.5m

Auction XI (4-3-3) Remaining budget: £6.5m