KENNA League title races have never been so seesaw.
Even without the injured David Silva and Zlatan, FC Testiculadew reclaimed the top spot with notable performances from Eden Hazard (14) and Calum Chambers (13).
Thieving Magpies had a respectable week, but word in the Kenna HQ charts and graphs office is the manager is ‘bottling it’.
Another piece of tittle tattle from that department is worthy of report.
Calculations show the Islington Sports Islam & Leisure manager made a decision at the February transfer window to set off a cataclysmic consequences for the title race.
In selling Joshua King, the Pirate made space to buy Daniel Sturridge and therefore lose Gini Wijnaldum under the Titus Bramble ruling.
The 112 points difference made to the Somali’s season would have put his side right in the middle of the title race.
Furthermore, who should snap up the subsequent 44 points of Wijnaldum to put himself in the mix?
THIEVING Magpies are back at the top of the Kenna League after dominating the scoring this week.
Individual top scorer Alexis Sanchez notched, Yaya Toure assisted and clean sheets from Eldin Jakupovic, Phil Jagielka and Simon Francis saw ‘Pies overturn FC Testiculadew’s slender lead.
Despite a goal and assist from Eden Hazard on Monday night, the wind appears to have left FCT’s sails with injuries to key players David Silva and Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
The former double double winner was also knocked out of the Narcozep Cup in his quarter final tie with Team Panda.
“Fools!” said the Tactical Brambler to journalists who had questioned his side’s depth outside club training facility The Death Star.
“You dare to quibble the effectiveness of Calum Chambers when that pathetic earthling [the Thieving Magpies manager] has a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang?
“I should have you all liquidated.”
In other Narcozep Cups news, the chairman took advantage of the league’s Tuesday-morning-to-Tuesday-morning scoring week to knock fellow committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager out.
It’s quite a feat considering the ‘Pies have a front three of Sam Vokes, Salomon Rondon and M’Baye Niang, while FCT have two representatives from the PFA’s team of the season: Kyle Walker and Eden Hazard.
IT’S been a week to file under ‘a bit of a mare’ for the Thieving Magpies manager.
Flying high on top of the league since 6 December, at times it’s felt like it would be 12th time lucky for one of only three managers to enter every season of the competition.
Pantomime villains lurk around every corner. In the notorious ‘Tactical Brambler‘ the Kenna has a villain made to order and he’s been delivered to knock the ‘Pies from the top of the Kenna League.
The skullduggery does not stop there for Thieving Magpies. The Pirate has knocked them out of the Narcozep Cup.
“It’s a blow, there’s no doubt about that,” said the man who after the cup draw joked on social networking site Twitter he may rest key players for the tie.
The Pirate goes on to face Cowley Casuals in the quarter final first leg this weekend.
The Tactical Brambler kept his hopes of an unprecedented third league and cup double alive by sweeping aside Lokomotiv Leeds.
In what was being touted ‘the Boardroom Derby’, League champions Young Boys, whose manager is vice chairman, were knocked out by the chairman’s XI Adam Johnson Fan Club.
The chairman goes on to face the club of another committee member the Walthamstow Reds manager.
Should AJFC win, the chairman could face yet another executive peer in the semi finals in the form of the Burqini Pool Party manager.
LONDON’S top fantasy football league is planning a novelty cup draw in a snooker hall tomorrow night, it has been rumoured.
Kenna League blazers remained tightlipped about the Narcozep Cup knockout stages draw, but did confirm it is due to be broadcast by Periscope.
Should it go ahead the event will save this season’s Narcozep Cup which is more than two months behind schedule.
If the draw is left unmade for another two weeks it will impossible to fit in two legs for the round of last 16, the quarter finals or the semis.
“All I can confirm is the draw will go ahead tomorrow night. Probably,” said the chairman, who stands accused of putting on a PR stunt to deflect from his shambolic organisational skills.
The first leg of the last 16 will take place this weekend.
A LATINO will not take the vacant manager position at Barcelona because of their miserable Kenna League form, the Camp Nou has confirmed.
Luis Enrique’s announcement he will vacate the Barca position at the end of the season prompted club president Josep Maria Bartomeu to play down rumours another Iberian could get the job.
“You look at how a Catalan is performing this season at the highest level of the game and he’s 300 points adrift at the bottom of the Kenna. The chorizo is mouldy,” said Bartomeu referring to the manager of Just Put Carles.
“But it’s not just this season. You look at managers from Catalonia, from Madrid, even from Asturias like Luis, and they’ve historically underachieved while English managers – Ingles! Dios mio! – have had the better of them,” Bartomeu said in thinly-veiled reference to the time a cardboard cutout of Pep Guardiola performed better than a real-life Catalan.
Meanwhile, the Kenna League has come under fire for failing to post an update for three weeks.
Flimsy excuses from Kenna HQ ranged between ‘I was at a black tie jolly in Manchester’ to ‘I was at a gender balance conference in Stockholm’.
The chairman stands accused both of failing to get the knockout rounds of the Narcozep Cup organised and of coming up with weak memes to try and placate managers.
AS soon as liquid was sprayed in his face in departures he knew something was seriously wrong.
Eight months of freedom. Eight months since leaving his position as manager of Real Brexit, his last posting in the so-called ‘world’s greatest London pub-based fantasy football league’.
Now he was sinking to his knees, a wave of nausea sweeping over him.
Contemplating his untimely demise at gate two of Durham Tees Valley Airport.
And when he heard another passenger innocently enquire ‘was that Emanuel Pogatetz dressed like a lass?’ his worst fears were confirmed.
Only one organisation used former professional footballers as assassins: the Kenna League’s manager experiences department.
Cross the manager experiences department and the outcome was far from pretty.
It was no fluke they had chosen Pogatetz as the trigger man. While managing Still Don’t Know Yet in his first season he had signed the Austrian for £3.5m in the February transfer window.
The 14th-place finish was nothing to do with it though.
It was the beginning of that season, his first in the Kenna, where he had made an enemy for life.
He realised it now as the darkness intensified and a woman who smelled strongly of Superkings Menthol wheezed ‘you alright, pet?’
You never really left the Kenna. You went through life thinking you’d left, as he’d done since the summer, but they always caught up with you.
And as his life ebbed away, his head resting on the flabby thighs of a morbidly-obese airport worker, he thought of the strapline on the Durham Tees Valley Airport website.
GABRIEL Jesus will be top of many shopping lists ahead of the final Kenna League transfer window tonight.
The Brazilian striker has made a big impact following his move to England a few weeks ago.
Of the top four teams in the table, only Islington Sports Islam & Leisure can sign Jesus without triggering the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.
The managers of Thieving Magpies (Yaya Toure), FC Testiculadew (David Silva) and Sleptember XI (Raheem Sterling) would all have to release a high-value player as a wildcard tonight to bid for the Brazilian.
Peter Crouch and Jay Rodriguez are the other most notable strikers currently without a Kenna club.
League leader ‘Pies released Dimitri Payet ahead of the window, but there are slim pickings in midfield, where Victor Moses looks the most attractive available player.
With only one wildcard permitted, the ‘Pies manager is taking a long hard look at Pedro.
Another Chelsea player, Marcus Alonso, will captivate interest for managers after a defender. Chambers, Ward, Prodl and Rojo lead the ragtag alternatives.
At 20th in the table, the Piss Poor manager is yet to release Adam Johnson.
GRANIT Xhaka has told police he was the victim of racial abuse just 24 hours before being brought in for questioning over allegations he himself racially abused a Heathrow Airport worker.
In the aftermath of his red card in Sunday’s match, the midfielder claims his Kenna League manager called him a ‘chocolate Swiss’.
The AJFC manager fiercely denied the allegations of racism made to him during a press conference yesterday.
“What I was trying to tell Granit was if he’s always suspended through ill discipline he’s as much use to me as a chocolate Swiss Army knife,” said the manager.
“I’m not racist. I’m not a Nazi. Gold – that’s the standard I set at this club for diversity and inclusion.
“Granit’s flown off the handle before I’ve had a chance to finish the sentence. I’ve managed a lot of foreign players and they tend to do that, but if he thinks he can explain away the Heathrow incident using my post-match comments he’s cuckoo.
“There’s more holes in his argument than a lump of Alpine dairy product.
“He needs to watch it.”
Narcozep Cup – final group standings and playoff fixtures
Sleptember XI v Lokomotiv Leeds
Burqini Pool Party v Wandsworth Window Lickers
The Kenna League has warned against football talent being drawn to Chinese wealth after the chairman bumped into a manager travelling to the Far East end of the Jubilee Line.
The encounter happened in the Friday morning rush hour when a furtive Lokomotiv Leeds manager was spotted by the chairman at Canary Wharf.
The Lokomotiv boss was forced to make a shifty admission he was ‘going all the way to Stratford’.
By lunchtime Kenna HQ had issued a explosive press release entitled ‘Lured to the Riches of The Orient’, and packed with provocative, xenophobic, racially-aggravated jingoism such as ‘The Yellow Terror’, ‘The legacy of Fu Manchu’ and ‘Brexit means Brexit’.
“The enormous wealth of China is leading to a ‘Sino-The Dotted Line Mentality’ and is the biggest challenge to London pub-based fantasy football since the 2006 smoking ban,” read the release, which claimed Kenna HQ is now on ‘Yellow Alert’.
Astronomical wages in the Chinese Super League has thrown preparations for the second Kenna transfer window next month into disarray
This weekend saw Islington Sports Islam & Leisure striker Diego Costa compound his manager’s problems by being unavailable for selection until interest from Asia is resolved.
The chairman’s own team, Adam Johnson Fan Club, has been left with a hole in midfield since Oscar moved to China in an audacious £60m deal.
It is widely believed this move has got the league apparatus in a particular paddy over the Lokomotiv manager’s oriental tube ride.
But Lokomotiv Leeds supporters have welcomed a move abroad for their manager, and questioned the Kenna’s description of him as ‘football talent’.
The editor of fan blog BellendRurdFurrever.com tweeted: “Lokomotiv Leeds? More like Special Leeds! 14th last season, 16th today. Couldn’t give a Peking duck where he goes #SackTheJew”.
