fantasy football – Page 29 – The Jeff Kenna League

‘League K’ – the local authority’s part in its downfall

HARINGEY Council is facing fresh allegations of endemic social care failings this week after details emerged of a severely neglected fantasy football league in the London borough.

The fantasy football league – known for legal reasons as ‘League K’ – was found locked in a cellar at an address in North London.

League K had not been updated for more than two weeks, was hungry, dehydrated and showed signs of physical abuse.

Haringey police and social workers are still trying to track down the man they believe responsible, known only as ‘the chairman’.

Rumours abound of the chairman’s reckless, alcohol-fuelled lifestyle. He was last seen at the League K transfer window two weeks ago.

Sources inside the local authority suggest League K’s recent neglect was due to the chairman become involved with another drunken fantasy football league.

One League K manager, who wished to remain anonymous, said: “We saw the chairman forcing people to drink chilli liquor at the transfer window a couple of weeks of ago, but he’s been a phantom since.

“There’s been no post-transfer window report, no league updates and no cup fixtures posted. I don’t know who anyone else signed, I don’t know where my team is in the table and I don’t know who I’m facing in the cup.

“This must be due to systemic failure on behalf of the local authority.”

Grainy footage of ‘the chairman’s’ last public appearance

LIVE on #Periscope: Kenna transfer window #fantasyfootball https://t.co/xBgMNuE9w0

— Stix (@jeffkennaleague) October 7, 2016

Kenna table week 8

Full scores available from The Rub.

Kenna manager ‘work shy like junior doctors’

A KENNA League manager stands accused of ‘being a bigger job dodger than a junior doctor’ after failing to release players ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window.

Judean Peoples’ Front was one of six clubs not to submit transfer requests to Kenna HQ this week.

“At 10th in the league you’d think the JPF boss would want to do business but he’s obviously been hanging around a junior doctor so long the lack of work ethic has caught on,” said the chairman in reference to the Welsh manager’s spouse.

“He’s probably outside where he’s supposed to be working making an awful din while his chances of a maiden Kenna title die choking on their own blood in the operating room surrounded by shrugging hospital porters.”

Under league rules, the JPF manager can make one wildcard release during tomorrow night’s auction.

Nine managers collected the £10m transfer bonus by sending their released players by post to Kenna HQ this week. A further six got £5m each for emailing them.

With £26.5m Burqini Pool Party head into tomorrow night’s window with the second biggest chest, no doubt covered by a controversial combination of lycra and religion.

An available player list will be emailed to managers ahead of the window.

The central London transfer night venue is yet to be decided.

Released players, remaining budgets

Sleptember XI =32.5
Burqini Pool Party – Pied, Darmian +10+16.5=26.5
Tactical Brambler – Stuart Hall, Cathcart, Hojbjerg +10+13.5=23.5
The treasurer – Mignolet, Mark Bridger, Bojan +10+13=23
The chairman – Funes Mori, Adomah, Enner Valencia +10+12=22
Cowley Casuals – Mannone, Mertesacker, Flannagan, Remy +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
Wandsworth Network Solutions – Rahman, Wollschied, Sakho +10+9.5(ave)=19.5
Young Boys – Baines, Routledge, Jimmy Savile, Rhodes +5+14=19
Dynamo Charlton – Yoshida, Masauku, Deulofeu +10+8.5=18.5
So Good They Named Him Twice – Moreno, Downing +10+8=18
Sporting Lesbian =17
Walthamstow Reds – Chilwell, Ake, Gabriel, Brunt, Nasri, Affelay +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
Pikey Scum – Ayala, Depay, Feghouli, Okazaki +5+9.5(ave)=14.5
Lokomotiv Leeds – Long, Borini +5+8=13
Two Goals One Cup – Hart, Neil Taylor, Janssen, Lanzini, Wickham +10+2.5=12.5
ISIL – none +10+0.5=10.5
Just Put Carles =9.5
Thieving Magpies – Vorm +5+4=9
Team Panda – Gomis +5+2.5=7.5
Piss Poor =6.5
Northern Monkeys =2
Judean Peoples’ Front =1

Kenna table week 7 – 4 October 2016

Jack of two clubs

BLAZERS at Kenna HQ have come under fire once again after it emerged Jack Wilshere spent the first five weeks of the season appearing for two separate clubs.

The injury-prone midfielder was turning out for Northern Monkeys and Pikey Scum until someone pointed it out a few days ago.

At once reporters gathered outside the midfielder’s home to find out how he managed his commute.

“I can barely keep fit playin’ 10 fackin’ minutes for one club, and naow I’m playin’ for fackin’ two. I’m gettin’ ‘ome late. I’m missin’ Eastenders. It’s a fackin’ nightmare,” said Wilshere through his rolled down car window.

Kenna HQ immediately decreed whichever club collected most points this week would get the choice of keeping Wilshere. Monkeys outscored Scum by five points.

Given an option of another Bournemouth midfielder, the Scum manager picked Junior Stanislas.

Wilshere, who once claimed less than a fifth of Kenna managers were English, was a little displeased when questioned over the situation again this morning.

“The fackin’ norf? The fackin’ norf? Surraounded by those flat cap, whippet, braown ale cants? You’re ‘avin’ a Steffi fackin’ Graff, aren’t ya?” he said.

“An’ they got all that fackin’ frackin’. I seen it on the nooz.”

In another uncomfortable turn of events, if Islington Sports Islam & Leisure maintain their top of the table form for another week, the Pirate will win an unprecedented two manager of the months in a row.

Kenna table week 6

Full scores are available from The Rub.

Pog? Ba!

MIND games are already underway in the Kenna League this season after a rival manager said Northern Monkeys would perform better with a pog in midfield rather than Paul Pogba.

The Pikey Scum manager made the early-to-mid-1990s-children’s-game reference in relation to Nacer Chadli.

The Belgian (18 points) – on his Scum debut this week – scored three times the Frenchman’s season total.

“He may as well get on ebay and buy some real pogs, because after all the hype his midfielder is playing like a cardboard cutout,” quipped the Scum boss outside the club’s South Hackney Caravan Park stadium earlier today.

At £23m, Pogba is Northern Monkeys’ joint most expensive player with Deli Alli.

While the young Englishman has started the season positively (19), only he and Wes Morgan (21) have clocked up more points this season than Chadli did this week.

It gets worse for Monkeys who struggle in 16th place. Between them Pogba, Jack Wilshere (4), Viktor Fischer (4), Andy Carroll (2), Baston (1) and Boaz Myhill (0) have a combined season total one point less than Chadli.

“Haddaway man, it’s nee gan canny now like, pet. I divvin’ show me face walkin’ doon Shields Rurd at neet,” said the Northern Monkeys manager in a press conference at the club’s The Outhouse training facility.

“There’s a geet walla challenge now. Tryna get summit oot o’ this lot is like hoyin’ a woodbine doon Northumberland Street, man.”

The World Pog Federation declined to comment.

Kenna table – week 5

Full scores available from The Rub.

His Grindr guys

THE Kenna League has been drawn into the Keith Vaz rent boy scandal after the Young Boys of Vauxhall manager was found pimping out his team to the disgraced MP.

The defending Kenna champion was caught in a tabloid sting renting out his Southeast European Young Boy Aleksander Kolarov to Vaz.

A muffled recording exposed a conversation in which the Kenna manager tried to get the MP to rent out more of his side.

“I’ve got a French Young Boy, Mexican Young Boy, Ecuadorian Young Boy, Dutch Young Boy and Congolese Young Boy, and I can get poppers and coke,” the manager is heard boasting of Hugo Lloris, Cesar Azpilicueta, Antonio Valencia, Patrick van Aanholt and Yannick Bolasie.

“Let’s get this party started,” replies Vaz.

In a statement to press, Keith Vaz apologised for wronging his family and bringing British politics into disrepute, but dismissed rumours linking him to 2006/07 Kenna side Vazmanian Devils.

“I think you’ll find the Devils were named after their Portuguese striker Ricardo Vaz Te, whereas I’m Keith Vaz.

“There’s no connection between me and a side that finished bottom of the world’s leading London-pub based fantasy football league. That’s not the kind of bottom with which I want to be associated,” said the Labour MP.

Kenna table – week 4

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2016/17

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2007

Home ground: Yewtree Lane

Training facility: Fiddler’s Harris

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Kenna Index rating: 0.3 – 4th
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Starting XI – August auction

Lloris, H	TOT	£ 15.00
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£ 17.00
Baines, L (sold TW1)	EVE	£ 12.00
Valencia, A	MUN	£ 7.00
van Aanholt, P	SUN	£ 10.00
Kolarov, A	MCY	£ 0.50
Savile, J (sold TW1)	HMP Kenna	£ 12.50
Bolasie, Y (sold TW2)	CRY	£ 9.00
Routledge, W (sold TW1)	SWA	£ 0.50
Phillips, M	WBA	£ 2.00
Rhodes, J (sold TW1)	MID	£ 0.50
		£ 86.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (8th)

In
Steven Defour – Burnley midfielder – £5m
Roberto Pereyra – Watford midfielder – £9m
Islam Slimani – Leicester City striker – £13m
Adama Diomande – Hull striker – £10m

Out
Leighton Baines – Everton defender – sold for £18m to Bala Rinas
Jimmy Savile – HMP Kenna midfielder – free
Wayne Routledge – Swansea midfielder -free
Jordan Rhodes – Middlesborough striker – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: none

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (5th)

In
Robbie Brady – Burnley midfielder – £2m
Ibrahim Affelay – Stoke midfielder – £2m
Oumar Niasse – Hull midfielder – £0.5m
Ademola Lookman – Everton striker – £0.5m

Out
Steven Defour – Burnley midfielder – free
Roberto Pereyra – Watford midfielder – free
Yannick Bolasie – Everton midfielder – free
Adama Diomande – Hull striker – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £5m

Introducing: this season’s Bramble players

FANTASY football has few harsher punishments than the Titus Bramble ruling.

Mess up at the Kenna League auction draft – overspend, buy an illegal player – and there are no easy let offs and no ‘oh, poor luck let’s forget about that shall we?’s.

Buy an illegal player and you’ll have him whipped out your team and replaced with a forfeit faster than you can say ‘Twattus Bollocks‘. And you’ll lose half the cash you paid for him.

It doesn’t end there. The forfeit players used to be active Premier League footballers, but some notorious chicanery four years ago means they’re now the ultimate deterrent: convicted sex offenders.

Last month’s auction saw three paedophiles turn out for Kenna League teams.

Let’s meet the Charlie Chesters who managers can’t get rid of until the first transfer window in October.

Adam Johnson (£21m), midfielder, Piss Poor

Why’s he here?
Put Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Jamie Vardy and Adam Johnson into an envelope and auction off a lucky dip. It’s called Chinese Roulette. That’s how the Piss Poor manager ended up paying £21m to have the former Sunderland man in his midfield.

What can he contribute?
Johnson creates and scores goals, even more so in the number 10 spot, but then he was sentenced earlier this year for grooming and sexual activity with a 15-year-old girl. He’ll give opposition fans something to sing about though.

Stuart Hall (£12.5m), midfielder, FC Testiculadew

Why’s he here?
Usually so cunning at skirting Kenna auction regulations, the manager best known as the Tactical Brambler walked straight into this Bramble when he signed a second Leicester City player. Cheerio Jamie Vardy and half his £25m signing fee. Hello, It’s A Knockout!

What can he contribute?
At 86, it’s unlikely Hall will translate his poetic vocal style to the FCT midfield. Has he got any attacks left in him?

Mark Bridger (£16.5m), midfielder, Bala Rinas

Why he’s here?
The Bala Rinas manager overspent late in the auction and lost his most expensive player Eden Hazard, who had cost £33m. A tremendous oversight from the league’s Welsh treasurer, for whom Mark Bridger was the obvious Bramble.

What can he contribute?
Rarely caught in possession, but his resourcefulness under pressure hides traces of greater concern.

Sleptember XI 2016/17

Paul pic — Chilling with my bitch: The Sleptember XI manager

Manager: Paul

Twitter name: @whitewashweb

Since: 2016

Home ground: Andre Gray’s Appeal

Training facility: Andre Gray’s Social Media Manager

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: debut season

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: September – Earth, Wind & Fire

Starting XI – August auction

Gomes, H	WAT	£ 2.00
Delaney, D	CRY	£ 3.00
Daniels, C	BOU	£ 5.00
Schlupp, J (sold TW1)	LEI	£ 0.50
Friend, G	MID	£ 4.00
Mata, J	MUN	£ 8.00
Fletcher, D	WBA	£ 2.00
Noble, M	WHM	£ 10.00
Sterling, R	MCY	£ 9.00
Defoe, J	SUN	£ 9.00
Gray, A	BUR	£ 15.00
		£ 67.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (5th)

In
Jamie Milner – Liverpool midfielder – £20m

Out
Jeffrey Schlupp – Leicester City defender – free

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £22.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February (3rd)

No changes.

Formation: 3-5-2
Remaining budget: £32.5m

Two Goals One Cup 2016/17

Spencer anon — Bald ambition: The Two Goals One Cup manager

Manager: Spencer (Lichfield)

Since: 2016

Home ground: Rimmer’s Way

Training facility: Fantasy Island

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Sympathies: Nuneaton Borough

Darts music: Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-dop – Scatman John

Starting XI – August auction

Hart, J (TW1)	MCY	£ 10.00
Monreal, N	ARS	£ 15.00
Ivanovic, B	CHE	£ 11.00
Blind, D	MUN	£ 4.00
Taylor, N (TW1)	SWA	£ 0.50
Barkley, R	EVE	£ 18.00
Coutinho, P	LIV	£ 23.00
Shaqiri, X	STO	£ 12.00
Lanzini, M (TW1)	WHM	£ 0.50
Wickham, C (TW1)	CRY	£ 3.00
Janssen, V (TW1)	TOT	£ 0.50
		£ 97.50

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (9th)

In
Artur Boruc – Bournemouth goalkeeper – £5m
Vincent Kompany – Manchester City defender – £0.5m
Stewart Downing – Middlesborough midfielder – £12m (signed from So Good They Named Him Twice)
Steve Davis – Southampton midfielder – £0.5m
Duncan Watmore – Sunderland striker – £0.5m

Out
Joe Hart – Manchester City goalkeeper – free
Neil Taylor – Swansea defender – free
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – sold for £8m to So Good They Named Him Twice
Connor Wickham – Crystal Palace striker – free
Vincent Janssen – Spurs striker – sold for £0.5m to Pikey Scum

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £2.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (14th)

No changes.

Formation: 4-5-1
Remaining budget: £2.5m

So Good They Named Him Twice 2016/17

Weatherall and Anderton — Sicknote: The So Good They Named Him Twice manager

Manager: Weatherall (Liverpool?)

Twitter name: @johnredknapp

Since: 2016

Home ground: The Jay-Jay Memorial Park

Training facility: Okocha

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: debut season

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Smooth Operator – Sade

Starting XI – August auction

Schmeichel, K	LEI	£ 10.00
Alderweireld, T	TOT	£ 18.00
Bertrand, R	SOT	£ 6.00
Moreno, A (sold TW1)	LIV	£ 0.50
Terry, J (sold TW2)	CHE	£ 0.50
Ozil, M	ARS	£ 30.00
Allen, J	STO	£ 2.00
Downing, S (sold TW1)	MID	£ 0.50
Martial, A	MUN	£ 20.00
Llorente,	SWA	£ 4.00
Success, I (sold TW2)	WAT	£ 0.50
		£ 92.00

First transfer window – Friday 7 October 2016 (6th)

In
Pablo Zabaleta – Manchester City defender – £0.5m
Manuel Lanzini – West Ham midfielder – £8m (signed from Two Goals One Cup)

Out
Alberto Moreno – Liverpool defender – free
Stewart Downing – Middlesborough midfielder – sold to Two Goals One Cup for £12m

Formation: 4-3-3
Remaining budget: £21.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 10 February 2017 (12th)

In
Marcos Alonso – Chelsea defender – £20m
Mamadou Sakho – Crystal Palace defender – £4m
Lazar Markovic – Hull midfielder – £0.5m

Out
John Terry – Chelsea defender – free
Pablo Zabaleta – Man City defender – £4m (to Judean Peoples’ Front)
Isaac Success – Watford striker – free

Formation: 4-4-2
Remaining budget: £11.5m