fantasy football – Page 39 – The Jeff Kenna League

Islington Sports Islam & Leisure 2015/16

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Home ground: Mogadishu Arena

Training facility: Spyglass Hill

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Kenna Index rating: 0.68 – 22nd
2010/11 – 14th
2011/12 – 5th
2012/13 – 8th
2013/14 – 21st (relegated)
2014/15 – 20th (relegated)

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Season preview in one sentence (on 28 September): For the second auction in a row the absent manager has had Serbian Nemenja thrust into his midfield by the The Rub: one could say auto-Matic-ally.

Vorm, M (TW2)	TOT	£?m
Sagna, B	MCY	£0.5m
Soares, C (TW2)	SOT	£?m
Walker, K (TW1)	TOT	£11m
Olsson, J	WBA	£0.5m
Johnson, A (TW2)	SUN	£?m
Arnautovic, M (TW1)	STO	£7m
Ayew, J (TW2)	AVL	£?m
Gosling, D (TW2)	BOU	£?m
Okazaki, S (TW2)	LEI	£?m
Ings, D	LIV	£0.5m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In -£24.5m
Gomes, H – Watford goalkeeper – £3m
Galloway, B – Everton defender – £2m
Walker, K – Tottenham defender – £11m
Arnautovic, M – Stoke midfielder – £7m
Inler, G – Leicester midfielder – £0.5m
Moses, V – West Ham midfielder – £0.5m
Bamford, P – Crystal Palace striker – £0.5m

Out +£0.5m
Vorm, M – Tottenham goalkeeper – free
Brown, W – Sunderland defender – free
Bardsley, P – Stoke defender – free
Valencia, A – Man United midfielder – free
Wanyama, V – Southampton midfielder – free
Dyer, N – Leicester midfielder – £0.5m (to Lokomotiv Leeds)
Welbeck, D – Arsenal striker – free

Remaining budget: £2m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Vorm, M – Tottenham goalkeeper – £?m
Soares, C – Southampton defender – £?m
Johnson, A – Sunderland midfielder – £?m
Ayew, J – Aston Villa midfielder – £?m
Gosling, D – Bournemouth midfielder – £?m
Okazaki, S – Leicester striker – £?m

Out
Gomes, H – Watford goalkeeper – free
Galloway, B – Everton defender – free
Matic, N – Chelsea midfielder – free
Inler, G – Stoke midfielder – free
Moses, V – West Ham midfielder – free
Bamford, P – Crystal Palace striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Pikey Scum 2015/16

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Home ground: South Hackney Caravan Park

Training facility: Any patch of grass that riles local residents

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 win (under review)

Kenna Index rating: 0.564 – 12th
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Season preview in one sentence:

Elliot, R (TW2)	NEW	£?m
Reid, W	WHM	£4m
van Dijk, V (TW1)	SOT	£0.5m
Cameron, G (TW2)	STO	£?m
Koscielny, L	ARS	£10m
Sigurdsson, G	SWA	£12m
Lamela, E	TOT	£6m
Depay, M	MUN	£11m
Firmino, R	LIV	£18m
Adebayor, E (TW2)	CRY	£?m
Ighalo, O (TW1)	WAT	£20m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
McCarthy, A – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – £8m
van Dijk, V – Southampton defender – £0.5m
Ighalo, O – Watford striker – £20m

Out
Foster, B – West Brom goalkeeper – free
Pearson, J – Bramble defender – free
Ulloa, L – Leicester striker – free

Remaining budget: £1m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Elliot, R – Newcastle goalkeeper – £?m
Cameron, G – Stoke defender – £?m
Adebayor, E – Crystal Palace striker – £?m

Out
McCarthy, A – Crystal Palace goalkeeper – free
Cahill, G – Chelsea defender – free
Diouf, M – Stoke striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

FC Testiculadew 2015/16

‘Tache: The FC Testiculadew manager

Manager: James N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Scrotrot Street

Training facility: The Death Star

Trophy cabinet: 2013/14 and 2011/12 league and cup double, 2014 Emerson World Cup winner

Kenna Index rating: 0.137 – 1st
2011/12 – 1st
2012/13 – 2nd
2013/14 – 1st
2014/15 – 7th

Sympathies: Everton

Darts music: Space March – John Barry

Season preview in one sentence (on 28 September): An uncharacteristically underwhelming side from the Dark Lord of the Kenna, who would appear to have his hands full with Aleksander Mitrovic’s anger management issues.

Courtois, T (TW1)	CHE	£0.5m
Otamendi, N (TW2)	MCY	£?m
Morgan, W (TW2)	LEI	£?m
Sakho, M	LIV	£0.5m
Ogbonna, A	WHM	£4m
Walcott, T	ARS	£19m
Tadic, D	SOT	£7m
Cabaye, Y	CRY	£17m
Deulofeu, G (TW2)	EVE	£?m
Naismith, S (TW2)	NOR	£?m
Krkic, B (TW1)	STO	£2m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Courtois, T – Chelsea goalkeeper – £0.5m (from Walthamstow Reds)
Krkic, B – Stoke striker – £2m (from Walthamstow Reds)

Out
Romero, S – Manchester United goalkeeper – free
Fletcher, S – Sunderland striker – free

Remaining budget: £11.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Otamendi, N – Manchester City defender – £?m
Morgan, W – Leicester defender – £?m
Deulofeu, G – Everton midfielder – £?m
Naismith, S – Norwich striker – £?m

Out
Clichy, G – Manchester City defender – free
Coleman, S – Everton defender – free
Sinclair, S – Aston Villa midfielder – free
Mitrovic, A – Newcastle striker – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Headless Chickens 2015/16

Sucking it in: The Headless Chickens manager

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Home ground: Guillotine Way

Training facility: The Coop

Trophy cabinet: empty

Kenna Index rating: 0.641 – 20th
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Hala Madrid y nada mas

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 September): When a manager Brambles himself with two Read Madrid players, what further punishment can Kenna HQ mete out?

Lloris, H	TOT	£8m
Kompany, V	MCY	£14m
Janmaat, D	NEW	£6m
Williams, A	SWA	£7m
Ramos, S	RMA	£0.5m
Schneiderlin, M	MUN	£4m
Lallana, A	LIV	£0.5m
Cleverley, T	EVE	£0.5m
Adam, C	STO	£0.5m
Costa, D	CHE	£50m
Jerome, C (TW1)	NOR	£0.5m
		£91.5m

First transfer window – Friday 2 September 2015

In
Jerome, C – Norwich striker – £0.5m

Out
Ronaldo, C – Real Madrid striker – free

Remaining budget: £13m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £13m

Team Panda 2015/16

Manager: George (Bromley)

Since: 2013

Home ground: Bamboo Avenue

Training facility: Certain Extinction

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest finish – 6th)

Kenna Index rating: N/A
2013/14 – 6th
2014/15 – 12th

Sympathies: Millwall

Darts music: True Love Ways – Buddy Holly

Season preview in one sentence (on 27 September): For the third successive season, the manager is relying on Giroud for goals.

Fabianski, L	SWA	£9m
Caulker, S	SOT	£5m
Dann, S	CRY	£5m
Tomkins, J	WHM	£3m
Richards, M	AVL	£6m
Silva, D	MCY	£23m
Milner, J	LIV	£10m
Willian	CHE	£1m
Young, A	MUN	£1m
Giroud, O	ARS	£14m
Lambert, R	WBA	£7m
		£84m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £21m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £21m

Wandsworth Network Solutions 2015/16

Will and Gunnersaurus Rex — Influence at the highest echelons of the game: The Wandsworth Network Solutions manager (left)

Manager: Will (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @chainfir3

Since: 2010

Home ground: King George’s Park

Training facility: The Alma

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 8th in 2010/11)

Kenna Index rating: N/A
2010/11 – 8th
2012/13 – 19th

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Mary Jane – Rick James

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 Sepetmber): Divock Origi!

Adrian	WHM	£0.5m
Taylor, N	SWA	£3m
Ivanovic, B	CHE	£24m
Evans, J (TW1)	WBA	£2m
Cathcart, C (TW1)	WAT	£0.5m
Mata, J	MUN	£19m
Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m
Alli, D (TW2)	TOT	£?m
Drinkwater, D (TW1)	LEI	£0.5m
Long, S	SOT	£1m
Perez, A (TW1)	NEW	£3m
		£?m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

In
Evans, J – West Brom defender – £2m
Cathcart, C – Watford defender – £0.5m
Fernandinho – Manchester City midfielder – £0.5m
Drinkwater, D – Leicester midfielder – £0.5m
Perez, A – Newcastle striker – £3m

Out
Debuchy, M – Arsenal defender – free
Cissokho, A – Aston Villa defender – free
Townsend, A – Tottenham midfielder – free
Johnson, A – Sunderland midfielder – free
Origi, D – Liverpool striker – free

Remaining budget: £19.5m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

In
Alli, D – Tottenham midfielder – £?m

Out
Fernandinho – Manchester City midfielder – free

Remaining budget: £?m

Uncertain FC 2015/16

Over before it’s begun: The Uncertain manager

Manager: Pete (Teeside)

Twitter name: @peterball01

Since: 2012

Home ground: Undetermined Street

Training facility: Klub Kudos

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 14th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.78 – 24th
2012/13 – 14th
2013/14 – 17th
2014/15 – 18th (relegated)

Sympathies: Boro

Darts music: Theme from ‘The Power Game’ – Cyril Stapleton

Season preview in one sentence (on 26 September): It’s not about glory, it’s about how many sex tapes Tom Hopper can knock out before relegation closes in.

Howard, T	EVE	£3m
Gomez, J	LIV	£0.5m
Huth, R	LEI	£0.5m
Kelly, M	CRY	£0.5m
Clark, C	AVL	£0.5m
Sissoko, M	NEW	£7m
Hopper, T	BRAMBLE	£16m
Wilshere, J	ARS	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£5m
Rooney, W	MUN	£31m
Iheanacho, K	MCY	£0.5m
		£65m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £35m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £35m

Pelle bids to keep it up

Bala Rinas made a clear statement in the early Kenna stakes with a brace from Graziano Pelle this week.

They were Pelle’s third and fourth goals this season. Not bad for someone who had all the hallmarks of a one-season wonder last year.

The lanky Italian and his lank hair were part of the phenomenon on the south coast which took everyone by surprise. Surely, no one thought it could continue, but either the Bala Rinas manager or his auction second had other ideas and the £15m investment is already paying dividends.

The Sporting Lesbian manager paid just £3m for the striker last summer when he was an unknown import. Quite whether Pelle will go on to replicate the form that saw him pick up 169 points and help Sporting Lesbian win the league is anyone’s guess and the treasurer’s hope.

It’s not the first time Sporting Lesbian have plucked a star from obscurity. In summer 2012, the manager snaffled Michu for just £2.5m.

Like Pelle last season, the Spaniard picked up 169 points and helped Sporting to the title. Spooky.

Michu could not keep it up. The following season he picked up just two goals and a handful of appearance points before disappearing from these shores altogether. It all made the Headless Chickens manager’s £27m auction transaction look a little foolish.

To find another such example of one-season wonder one must go back to the 2007-08 Kenna campaign.

Vasco De Beauvoir, the Kenna chairman‘s team, signed Roque Santa Cruz for £12m in the first transfer window, back then held in mid November.

It was a welcome change for the manager, who through some error of judgement at the auction fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling. Vasco played the first three months of the campaign with Lee Dong Gook in attack.

The Korean striker’s contribution was more than eclipsed by the Paraguayan’s. Roque went on to score 145 points for Vasco and was instrumental in the chairman picking up December’s manager of the month award.

Vasco finished seventh that May, which three months later was enough evidence for manager of Matty Taylor’s Titans (now in charge of Young Boys) to fork out £10m for Santa Cruz.

Partnered alongside Afonso Alves in attack, Roque didn’t last beyond the November window where he was released in favour of a £35m Robinho. Titans won the Canestan Combi Cup and finished third in the league.

So what’s the moral of the story?

When you release your Dong make sure it’s into the jaws of obscurity, rather than those of dead pig.

Kenna table – week 6

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	2
2	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	31	1
3	Newington Reds	Ben D	30	1
4	Young Boys	Andrew D	26	2
5	Wandsworth Network Solutions	Will	25	1
6	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
8	Cowley Casuals	Stu	23	0
9	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	21	0
10	Carles	Carles	20	0
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
12	Thieving Magpies	Phil	18	1
13	Uncertain	Pete B	18	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	17	1
15	KS West Green	Stix	17	0
16	ISIL	Abdi	15	1
17	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	14	1
18	Team Panda	George	14	0
19	FC Tescticuladew	James N	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Zouma, K – CHE – DEF
		Club	*Unsigned*

Fadges comedy Said-show

It’s too early in the season to be drawing any conclusions from the Kenna League table, despite the bluster of the Young Boys manager.

Tweeting on the weekend he proclaimed himself ‘The Special One’, and while there’s no doubting he shares similar concerns of Pedro’s injury and John Terry’s decline to the Portuguese sneer, so bold a statement after a handful of of games will end up making him look ridiculous. Admittedly, that wouldn’t be hard.

So soon in the campaign, the keen follower or casual observer of the Kenna is drawn towards a manager’s misfortune, rather than his team’s overperformance before the vagaries of form and injury take their toll.

Managers take brave, but mostly foolish, decisions at the auction, only to come unstuck after a few games.

Hairy Fadjeetas are this campaign’s prime example. The manager’s strike force is the Kenna’s most successful comedy double act since the treasurer and his auction second.

To be fair, a few pints down at The Hoop and Grapes, the prospects of Saido Berahino and Karim Benzema were not wholly negative.

Berahino broke into the England squad last year, although that’s more due to a dearth of Three Lions strikers in the post-Owen era than any great shakes on the young striker. However, he still showed promise last term.

Now he shows promiscuity, his head turned by the swill of money and agents. Although anyone who’s visited Smethwick surely wouldn’t blame him if he was looking to improve his quality of life.

While Berahino gets all the laughs, Karim Benzema is the ultimate straight man, mainly because he’s not even there.

The exasperation of the Fadges boss over his forwards can only be matched by nonplussed bemusement of the French striker’s social media manager as Internet monitoring reports flood in of Karim’s move to London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.

Kenna table – week I’m flying to Barcelona in 10 minutes and don’t care

Just Put Carles 2015/16

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Home ground: Camp de la Independencia

Training facility: The Farmhouse

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 5th in 2012/13)

Kenna Index rating: 0.604 – 16th
2010/2011 – 9th
2011/12 – 14th
2012/13 – 5th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 17th

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Season preview in one sentence (on 14 September): Five weeks in and already £89m on those three players appears a colossal blunder.

Given, S	STO	£0.5m
Collins, J	WHM	£2m
Yoshida, M	SOT	£0.5m
van Aanholt, P	SUN	£0.5m
Moreno, A	LIV	£0.5m
Fabregas, C	CHE	£21m
Blind, D	MUN	£0.5m
Johnson, B	DER	£2m
Navas, J	MCY	£0.5m
Kane, H	TOT	£28m
Sanchez, A	ARS	£40m
		£96m

First transfer window – Friday 2 October 2015

No changes.

Remaining budget: £16m

Second transfer window – Friday 5 February 2016

No changes.

Remaining budget: £16m