They struggled to keep their composure when it turned out the patient had a back four of Philippe Senderos, Wes Brown, Christian Gamboa and Chico Flores (photo: Monash University)
THE Fat Ladies manager has quit his job blaming imminent surgery for his decision.
The Leamington Spa-born manager said he needed to get a pimple removed from his backside and that was why he had made the decision to leave the club, who are second bottom of the Kenna League.
“I need immediate surgery,” said the Fat Ladies manager. “I need my players to give their asses on the pitch. If I can’t give mine 100 per cent on the training field it’s better for someone else to take over.”
The manager’s rear end has taken one hell of a beating in this season’s Kenna, his team scoring just three goals in 22 weeks of the competition. Table toppers Sporting Lesbian have found the net 32 times in the same period.
The club said in a statement today they needed a safe pair of hands to oversee the managerial transition. Some bloke who once got drunk and trashed the Blue Peter garden will take temporary charge.
There were reports the Fat Ladies manager was one game from the sack before his side scored a third goal of the campaign this week thanks to £35m Daniel Sturridge’s return from injury.
The club’s other goals came in week two, again from Sturridge, and from a Kevin Nolan strike nearly two months ago.
The Fat Ladies manager said the timing of his decision may look suspicious but added: “I know what people think – that I’ve been sacked, or stormed off because we couldn’t get the players in – but I can’t control what people think. There’s a pimple on my bum that needs medical care.”
The timing could not be worse for the club going into Saturday’s Kenna transfer window, the second and final chance for managers to freshen up their sides.
One player everyone will hope to avoid signing on the weekend is the league’s bête noire Titus Bramble. The out-of-work defender is awarded as a forfeit to anyone breaking auction rules.
When a photo emerged last night of Bramble apparently signing for Barcelona, the chairman was quick to spot the ruse.
Storm through the window: FC Testiculadew scouts are on the lookout for talent ahead of the transfer window.
IF all the Kenna managers lived on a surburban mews, this would be the most vigorous week of curtain twitching.
The season’s second and final transfer window takes place next Saturday and managers will be keen to size up which footballers they can sign to most improve their teams. The events of the afternoon will decide who lifts the league title in May.
Managers have until next Thursday to send their players to be released to Kenna HQ – by post if they want to claim the £10m war chest supplement.
Here are five most pertinent questions dogging every Kenna manager this week.
1. Can Lesbians resist a little fiddle?
The Sporting Lesbians manager is having a dream season. Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle up front in their first season in England playing like they’re to the Kenna born, a back five of De Gea, Coleman, Demichelis, Luis and Tomkins all putting in a shift from week one and a modestly creative midfield where even Egyptian flake Ahmed Elmohamady has become a regular starter.
At 77 points ahead of the pack Lesbians can surely cruise towards their second league title. But with a couple of pints in him come next Saturday, will the manager stand idly by only to regret his inaction come May? Or will the finger slide tantilisingly towards the button of release? Just a quick play, temptation will say, it’s so naughty but it feels so good…and then ‘pow!’ You’ve just bought Morgan Amalfitano, stuck a Bramble a sensitive area and blood’s running down your leg.
2. Does the Lokomotiv manager sell Bony or Silva?
Hovering just outside a top four finish, the Lokomotiv Leeds manager has the opportunity to turn this window into a springboard to riches but he faces the Bramble-tied quandary of the season. Does he stay with the squat Spanish Merlin David Silva or gamble on the power of Wilfred Bony. The Cote D’Ivoire striker will need time to recover from his country’s customary choke in the African Cup of Nations, but upon his return think of all the goals he could score.
3. Can the Cowley Casuals manager pull it off again?
If transfer windows were competitions taken isolation, the Cowley Casuals manager could be considered to have won in October. While Sporting Lesbians flicked a quick tinker in midfield, Cowley Casuals rummaged around to make four signings who have all contributed to the side’s occupation of second in the table. Casuals still have a fair amount of catching up to do, so the manager is left with a choice of hoping his eleven make it over the finish line or having a clear out.
4. Who’s got the most money left?
No one will be able to match the Dynamo Charlton manager’s desperate attempt to buy his way out of the relegation zone. Replacing Rickie Lambert with Harry Kane should be top of his list of priorities, or at least equal with busting some onions over attitude in the general area of Bafetimbi Gomis.
At fourth and fifth place in the league respectively, St Reatham FC and Hairy Fadjeetas have the most control over their destinies with each having over £20m in the war chest. Both managers will be in the Alps next weekend. How much will that impact on their tactics?
Moneybags
Averagebags
Grotbags
Dynamo Charlton – £45.5m
Piedmonte – £26.5m
Hairy Fadjeetas – £25m
St Reatham FC – £20.5m
Fat Ladies – £20.5m
Team Panda Rules OK – £19.5M
Bala Rinas – £16m
Just Put Carles – £15m
Headless Chickens – £14.5m
Cowley Casuals – £13.5m
Young Boys – £12m
Still Don’t Know Yet – £10.5m
Pikey Scum – £10m
Lokomotiv Leeds – £9.5m
Judean Peoples’ Front – £8m
Hoxton Pirates – £7m
Walthamstow Reds – £3.5m
Sporting Lesbian – £3.5m
FC Testiculadew – £2.5m
KS West Green – £0.5m
5. Who are the biggest targets?
Strikers
Up front Harry Kane has managers crowding around the shop window. With Senegal out of the ACN, Mame Diouf may turn heads. Andreas Wiemann could be a solid replacement for injury. Ashley Barnes and Eduardo Vargas are wildcard options.
Midfielders
Managers will be hoping Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer continues to assault the opposition penalty area rather than their creative midfielders. He’s the top scoring available midfielder. Morgan Amalfitano is rapidly turning into the next Chris Brunt in Kenna terms – temperamental form merchants. James Ward-Prowse is having a promising run.
Defenders Astounding as it seems, Toby Alderweireld is still out there. He’s the second-highest scoring defender behind household shrug Aaron Cresswell. Aly Cissokho is third. KS West Green reject Mamadou Sakho is back in favour.
Goalkeepers
Three available goalkeepers are scoring well, which means there must be three Kenna managers looking to improve in that position. They’ll have to fight so dirty over Adrian, Lukas Fabianski and Rob Green that seedy men in mackintoshes are being charged to peep through the keyhole at that scene.
Full scores, tables and disciplinary records available at The Rub.
Taking the George Michael: The Go For Broke Cup will neither objectify nor stereotype wealthy Arabian businessmen (photo: akunthita)
A NEW competition to find the worst knockout tournament team in fantasy football was unveiled today.
The Go For Broke Cup takes the only four teams in the Kenna not to qualify from the group/pool stage of the Canesten Combi Cup and pit them against each other to find out which manager really is the most hapless.
Unlike the slightly racist TV advert for a board game of the same name, the Go For Broke Cup will not see managers dress as Arabian oil sheikhs, get irritated by a casino win or welcome a stock price collapse.
Instead the four sides will play a further group/pool after which the bottom two will enter a playoff. The loser will win.
The Kenna chairman, whose team KS West Green are one of the four clubs to be involved, was quick to dismiss rumours the competition would overrun an already inefficient administration.
“The Go For Broke Cup is yet another way for us to determine the worst managers out there,” he said, with a nod towards the bosses of Hoxton Pirates and Fat Ladies who are both rooted to the foot of the Kenna League.
Elsewhere, the Sporting Lesbian manager made a case for a Kenna League and Canesten Combi Cup double this season by both topping group/pool A and extending his lead at the top of the table.
The Lesbian strike partnership of Alexis Sanchez and Graziano Pelle are the only pair in the league to both break 100 points. Their combined total of 236 points is over a century more than their nearest rivals.
Despite their zero-hours contracts policy, Cowley Casuals took advantage of another poor week in the steady decline of Bala Rinas to take second place, but still lay 76 points off the leaders.
Managers will be looking ahead to the season’s second transfer on Saturday 6 February, just over two weeks away.
SHOCK waves reverberated across the Kenna today as the transfer kitty of Switzerland-based St Reatham FC swelled by a mouthwatering 30 percent.
Details of the club’s new-found wealth emerged yesterday lunchtime after the Swiss National Bank abandoned a cap on the country’s currency value against the euro. Before the move it cost the Swiss 1.2 francs to buy one euro, just minutes later that cost fell to 80 cents.
That means St Reatham’s spending power has dramatically increased ahead of February’s transfer window.
A Euro cap
A financial analyst close to the Kenna said: “The club will effectively be getting Black Friday prices on any deal it tries to make, while everyone else will still be paying top whack.”
Speaking from his Alpine retreat, the manager of St Reatham FC, who is still wanted by police following an incident on Chobham Common in April 2013, declared: “It’s a rich man’s game and I’m rich. Filthy rich. Filthy.”
In a hastily-convened press conference the Kenna chairman denied being caught out by the ebb and flow of the global money markets: “We’ve had our top boys on this one for a few days now crunching the numbers and I’m confident that transfer budgets will not be affected by this Swiss decoupling. Who uses bloody euros anyway? The Kenna is a fine British institution.”
CHED Evans has handed in his transfer request at Hoxton Pirates because he believes playing for the club is damaging his reputation.
Shadowy links to kidnappings, poor observation of Ramadan and militant extremist group Al Shabaab of the club’s Somali manager have been cited by Evans as reasons for the swell of negative public opinion surrounding the striker.
“My conscience is clear, so the only way I can explain how Brand Ched has come to be demonised in the media is through representing a club associated with religious oppression and general pillage on the high seas. I need to find a new club immediately,” said Evans, who has previous for trying to force a move.
Evans joined Hoxton Pirates as a forfeit at the October transfer window under the Titus Bramble ruling, after the manager had overspent his budget.
Outside the club’s Pitfield Street ground this morning, the Pirates manager resfused to be backed into a corner by his Welsh striker: “Yarrrrrr! The scoundrel needs to knuckle down instead o’ tryin’ to win the favours of ladies of the night in Charlie Wright’s International Bar by singing on the karaoke machine. If I be hearing Blurred Lines one more time he be gettin’ himself keelhauled.”
Several clubs are reported to be uninterested in the wantaway centre forward, who has also criticised Hoxton Pirates’ poor form this season for not providing enough of a challenge. The club is rooted to both the bottom of the Kenna League and, with one fixture remaining before the knockout stage, the foot of Canesten Combi Cup group C. The side has not scored a goal since 25 November.
For now the drought looks set to continue. The club’s other forward Mauro Zarate has failed to live up to what little promise brought the Argentine to England. A midfield of Matic, Januzaj, Ramirez and Wright-Phillips hardly screams ‘goals’.
The club will be looking to ring the changes come the February transfer window, and even without his attempts to pin down the manager Evans’ future at the club is doubtful. Perhaps there’s a role for the striker with Gavin Peacock.
Wives: one of the primary ways you are to respect your husband is by gladly submitting to and encouraging his leadership.
NEW Year’s Eve is upon the Kenna once more and it’s time to hand out those gongs.
Another outstanding year for the FC Testiculadew manager finally proved that cheats do prosper, which is reflected in his winning one show-piece award and being short listed for many others.
So who had the easiest job? Who let the pressure get to them most? Who had an excellent place for hiding sex workers? Who didn’t? Who missed every Kenna event this year but still managed to walk away with some silverware*? And just who do the Red Arrows think they are to turn down the Kenna?
Take it away the Kenna 2014 end of year awards!
*Disclaimer: these awards do not count as ‘silverware’
Best newcomer – a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola
Performance of the year – the FC Testiculadew manager
An unprecedented second Kenna league and cup double in May followed by Emerson World Cup victory in July – WHEN HE DIDN’T EVEN ATTEND THE AUCTION – all but sealed this accolade for the Kenna’s most controversial manager. The honour was confirmed when the self-confessed Tactical Brambler failed to appear for the August auction and sent six bottles of champagne instead. Some other managers would do well to take note.
Worst performance of the year – the Fat Ladies manager
Any of the Hoxton Pirates manager’s appearances at any league event will always come a close second in this category, but before the Somali had even heard of the Kenna there was the Fat Ladies manager. An early exponent of Albert Luque, the Fat Ladies manger set the precedent for mystifying auction tactics and rake-in-the-face Bramble forfeits. Somehow he won the league in 2008, but after a period of absence he has returned this season to find his managerial talents no longer equal that of the Kenna.
The Fish in a Barrel award for easiest job to do – the Hong Kong police
Best celeb spot – Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, the chairman
The Fat Ladies manager may have bumped into Dion Dublin in a London pub and the St Reatham FC manager may have contrived a stalker/stalked relationship with Soccer Saturday consonant-dropper Bianca Westwood, but it was the chairman who in April received a face-to-face apology from the Ox for his poor performances at KS West Green. The look on David Bentley’s face to be recognised by the chairman at an event with so many footballers present was worth attending alone.
The Joe Kinnear award for worst transfer business – Piedmonte
Yes, the Headless Chickens manager bought Kostas Mitroglou at the February transfer window for £14m, but at the same event the Piedmonte manager traded in Samir Nasri for Andros Townsend. That business cost the Wulfrunian his best ever shot at the Kenna league title as Nasri barnstormed the rest of the season while Townsend could have maintained a similar level of form if he’d been on the moon. A special commendation goes to the Judean Peoples’ Front manager, who was doing his business when Nasri was sold rivals Bala Rinas.
The Kevin Keegan ‘I WOULD LOVE IT!’ award for coping with pressure – the Hairy Fadjeetas manager
February was a difficult month for the Hairy Fadjeetas manager. Having led the league for a few weeks earlier in the season, his campaign was beginning to unravel. Fast. Cue expletive-ridden press conference.
The Young Boys manger deserves a commendation for his unusual response to World Cup support in the absence of Wales from Brazil.
The Colt Detective Special revolver award for biggest snub – the Red Arrows
It was supposed to be the icing on the cake. The Kenna’s landmark 10th auction. The cream of fantasy football management celebrated by the cream of aeronautical display teams. Who could have predicted the Red Arrows wouldn’t get out of bed for 25 blokes on an all dayer? Not the chairman.
The America’s Dumbest Criminals award for worst kidnap attempt – the Hoxton Pirates manager
Two days after the October transfer window, the chairman received a phone call from an apoplectic pub landlord. It appeared an ornamental sword in his upstairs bar had been removed from its wall fixings and used to hold to the neck of the Fat Ladies manager by a radical Muslim. Those photos were deleted by the Fat Ladies a few days later, so no evidence remains of an incident which now officially never took place. As such, this award must go to the well-documented plight of Danny Graham. The striker was snatched by the crew of the good ship Hoxton Pirates off England’s north east coast at the February transfer window only to be made to walk the plank a few minutes later.
The Jozef Fritzl award for interior design – Kenna HQ
Despite putting in a ‘tactical no show’ at the Emerson World Cup auction before winning the tournament a month later, the FC Testiculadew could learn a thing or two from one of the Kenna’s Catalan contingent. Sending a second to the February transfer window, the Just Put Carles manager tweeted a picture of himself enjoying cocktails in the Caribbean.
Both fade in comparison with Surrey Police wanted board’s the St Reatham FC manager. Ever since the body of a female Sky Sports News presenter was found battered to death on Chobham Common last April, the manager has led the desperate life of an international fugitive. In February he Skyped into the transfer window from his Alpine hideout, In August, his team abandoned at the start of the season, he was sighted on the Amalfi coast in Italy. In October, the jet-lag appeared to be catching up with him. Holed up in San Francisco for the transfer window, he tried to release a player that wasn’t even in his side.
Most inappropriate use of world affairs to describe a fantasy football scenario – the missing Malaysia Airlines flight
When it comes to expressing the utter forlorn of managers while FC Testiculadew cruise to victory every time, there’s nothing else on the radar.
Flashback of the year – the Still Don’t Know Yet manager remembers Emerson
Knee trembler: The Young Boys manager reacted badly to the cup Christmas fixture list (photo: Kingston99)
THE Young Boys manager was left cursing Kenna HQ ahead of Christmas after Charlie Austin scored a hat trick during a cup week….when his side didn’t have a fixture.
Overwhelmed by such a glut of goals from the striker, the Young Boys manager had immediately taken to social media networking site Twitter on Sunday.
Defender John Terry brought the Young Boys goal tally to four, but the festive cheer dried up at the when the manager realised his side were not playing in group/pool A.
A long-time critic of Kenna HQ’s decision to amend the cup fixtures system from head-to-head points scored in a week to head-to-head goals, the Young Boys manager was quick to vent his spleen.
@jeffkennaleague O goody, JT scored another goal for the Young Boys in cup week, when we don’t have a fixture, you’ve ruined the cup!
Dynamo face Young Boys over the Christmas weekend. Sporting opened up their lead at the top of the Kenna League after chasers Bala Rinas put in a pitiful shift.
Injuries to influential midfielders Dusan Tadic and Aaron Ramsey have seen Bala Rinas lose momentum they could never dream to maintain with a front two of Stefan Jovetic and Marouane Chamakh.
‘Guys. Hey, you guys, I’m over here. Guys?’: Marvin Sordell has been overlooked by the Kenna apparatus (photo: Telegraph)
KENNA League blazers have admitted they didn’t know who Marvin Sordell was after it emerged the striker had not been scoring points for two months.
Until today no one at Kenna HQ noticed Sordell’s one start and three substitute appearances failed to contribute to the title efforts of St Reatham FC.
A leaked email from the charts and graphs department in response to an enquiry about the oversight read: “Sordell was down as a Leicester player, not sure why, probably because I don’t know who he is.”
Murmurs among managers in the league maintain Marvin Sordell was overlooked because his underwhelming performances and suggestive name make him sound less like a footballer and more like an adult film actor. Peter Ndlovu or Rod Fanni are two other such phenomenons.
Despite his lack of goals and perceived inclination to whip it out at the first sniff of innuendo, Sordell’s efforts have still seen St Reatham FC climb up on top of Cowley Casuals to third place in the table.
The St Reatham FC manager was unavailable for comment, but sources at the club say he’s welcomed the Sordell oversight in light of his continued efforts to avoid questioning from Surrey Police.
Sordell wasn’t needed for St Reatham to win their group C – or pool C, depending on who you talk to at Kenna HQ – match in the opening round of the season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition this weekend. A Juan Mata notch was enough to overcome a goalless, and bottom of the table, Fat Ladies.
KENNA HQ has admitted it still doesn’t know whether the first round of this season’s Canesten Combi Cup competition will be known as the ‘group’ or the ‘pool’ stage.
The quandary comes as the four cup groups – or pools – are announced today.
Recovering from the first of a clutch of Christmas smash ups this morning, the chairman said: “We’ve always called the first round the ‘group’ stage, but we thought this year we would call it the ‘pool’ stage. They use the term in rugby’s The Heineken Cup and it sounds quite professional, but then it also leaves us open to jokes about that night at Michael Barrymore’s house, and this kind of inappropriate carry on is really off brand for the league.
“We’ve got through at least a crate of scotch and several types of recreational drugs debating the matter in the Kenna HQ situation room but we’re still drowning in detail. We could even call them ‘draws’, I suppose.”
Further criticism was heaped on league authorities for their controversial new cup seeding process.
Each team has been grouped – or pooled – with every fourth team going down the Kenna League table.
“The new seeding process is an excellent solution to two problems,” said the chairman to the dayshift barman’s exasperation in the saloon bar of the King’s Arms in Waterloo.
“First, it ensures that every group – or pool – is of comparable quality so any team can strike it lucky, and second, we forgot to do the draw at the October transfer window because everyone was too busy drunkenly playing with the display-only cutlasses in the pub.”
Cup fixtures will be played during the following five weeks:
16 December
23 December
30 December
6 January
20 January
Group/Pool A Sporting Lesbian
Young Boys
Headless Chickens
Judean Peoples’ Front
Dynamo Charlton
Group/Pool B Bala Rinas
KS West Green
Piedmonte
Team Panda Rules OK
Just Put Carles
Group/Pool C Cowley Casuals
Pikey Scum
Walthamstow Reds
Still Don’t Know Yet
Hoxton Pirates
Group/Pool D St Reatham FC
Lokomotiv Leeds
Hairy Fadjeetas
FC Testiculadew
Fat Ladies
