fantasy football – Page 47 – The Jeff Kenna League

Treasurer cashes in

Ginekolog amator — In the hole: Aaron Ramsey is already proving to be an excellent source of goals from midfield for Bala Rinas

THE Kenna League treasurer finds his team at the top of the table for what is possibly the first time in a seven-year management career.

Goals from Marouane Chamakh and Aaron Ramsey, and a brace from Stefan Jovetic saw Bala Rinas fire to the summit of fantasy football in the second round of the season.

Asked if he could keep his side first for the remaining 37 weeks of the campaign, the treasurer consulted his big-buttoned calculator with a receipt roll at the top.

“The chances of Marouane Chamakh popping up with goal every week are…tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, bzzzzzzzzz…slim to none,” he concluded.

Despite a best-ever Kenna performance from Nacer Chadli, Just Put Carles prop up the table, although this is understandable considering the manager didn’t attend the auction and had his team randomly selected from a list of remaining players after 17 people had bought their players at auction.

What demands more explanation is the position of five managers who all find themselves beneath not one but two sides – Hoxton Pirates and FC Testiculadew – picked by the computer from auction scraps because they failed to attend the most well-run event in Kenna history.

Fans are losing patience with the Lokomotiv Leeds manager-out, Fat Ladies manager-out, Piedmonte manager-out, Cowley Casuals manager-out and Still Don’t Know Yet manager-out.

Protest marches from lo

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Bala Rinas	Lewis	49	4
2	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
3	St Reatham FC	Mike	34	1
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	32	2
5	Walthamstow Reds	Dudley	26	-00
6	Hoxton Pirates	Abdi	24	2
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	23	-00
9	Just Put Carles	Carles	22	2
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	21	-00
12	Fat Ladies	Ted	21	-00
13	Young Boys	Denney	20	-00
14	FC Tescticuladew	James N	20	-00
15	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	19	1
16	Team Panda Rules OK	George	19	1
17	Judean People’s Front	Sholto	19	-00
18	Cowley Casuals	Stu	19	-00
19	KS West Green	Stix	18	1
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	15	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Chadli, N – TOT – MID
		Club	*Just Put Carles*

Kenna table

Piedmonte 2014/15

England till he dies: Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: Runner up

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07 and last season)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Season preview in one sentence: The two-time runner up no-time winner has attempted to shed his ‘always the bridesmaid’ tag by signing Andros Townsend again: will the Piedmonte manager ever learn?

Krul, T	NEW	£0.50
Azpilicueta, C	CHE	£11.00
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£10.00
O’Shea, J	SUN	£5.00
Sagna, B	MCY	£7.00
Gerrard, S	LIV	£18.00
Pienaar, S	EVE	£2.00
Shelvey, J	SWA	£6.00
Townsend, A	TOT	£0.50
Valencia, E	WHM	£8.00
Hernandez, A (TW1)	HUL	£0.50
		£68.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Abel Hernandez – striker, HUL – £0.5m

Out
Loic Remy – striker, CHE – £0m

Remaining budget: £26.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers.

Remaining budget: £26.5m

Judean Peoples’ Front 2014/15

Cold-blooded killer: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 3rd in 2012/13)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Serial Killa – Snoop Doggy Dogg

Season preview in one sentence: How much 10th anniversary auction celebratory champagne must one drink before Victor Anichebe is considered a good signing?

Lloris, H	TOT	£12.00
Bertrand, R (TW1)	SOT	£3.00
Jones, P (TW1)	MUN	£0.50
Koscielny, L	ARS	£17.00
Vergini, S (TW1)	SUN	£0.50
Nasri, S (TW1)	MCY	£5.00
Oscar	CHE	£15.00
Henderson, J	LIV	£5.00
Zaha, W (TW2)	CRY	£7.00
Sakho, D (TW1)	WHU	£3.00
Jelavic, N (TW1)	HUL	£5.00
		£74.00

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Ryan Bertrand – defender, SOT – £3m
Phil Jones – defender, MUN – £0.5m
Vergini – defender, SUN – £0.5m
Samir Nasri – midfielder, MCY – £5m
Sakho, D – striker, WHU – £3m
Jelavic, N – striker, HUL – £5m

Out
Curtis Davies – defender, HUL – £0m
Jonny Evans – defender, MUN – £0m
Steve Taylor – defender, NEW – £0m
Besic, M – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Anichebe, V – striker, WBA – £0m
Negredo, A – striker, MCY – £0m

Remaining budget: £8m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Zaha, W – midfielder, CRY – £7m

Out
Delph, F – midfielder, AVL – £0m

Remaining budget: £11m

Fat Ladies 2014/15

Fat Ladies manager picture — Pies the limit: The Fat Ladies manager

Manager: Ted (Coventry)

Twitter name: @haggerstontimes

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2007/08

Last season: N/A

Sympathies: Coventry, Manchester United

Darts music: Single Ladies – Beyonce

Season preview in one sentence: Middle East based Flores aside, strong at the back and up front, but midfield consistency could be described as ‘scatty‘.

Adrian (TW2)	WHU	£0.50
Alderweireld, T (TW2)	SOT	£4.00
Naughton, K (TW2)	SWA	£3.00
Enrique, J (TW2)	LIV	£2.00
Richardson, K (TW2)	AVL	£0.50
Lampard, F (TW2)	MCY	£0.50
Fer, L (TW2)	QPR	£0.50
Fletcher, D (TW2)	WBA	£2.00
Fellaini, M (TW2)	MUN	£2.00
Walters, J (TW2)	STO	£2.00
Cllr Roger Stone – Bramble (TW2)	ROT	£17.50
		£34.5m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Senderos, P – defender, AVL – £4m
Gamboa, C – defender, WBA – £1m
Valencia, A – midfielder, MUN – £0.50m
Graham, D – striker, SUN – £4m (Bramble player)

Out
Chiriches, V – defender, TOT – £0m
Coloccini, F – defender, NEW – £0m
Young, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Benteke, C – striker, AVL – 0m (lost on a Bramble)

Remaining budget: 20.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Adrian – goalkeeper, WHU – £0.5m
Alderweireld, T – defender, SOT – £4m
Naughton, K – defender, SWA – £3m
Enrique, J – defender, LIV – £2m
Richardson, K – defender, AVL – £0.5m
Lampard, F – midfielder, MCY – £0.5m
Fer, L – midfielder, QPR – £0.5m
Fletcher, D – midfielder, WBA – £2m
Fellaini, M – midfielder, MUN – £2m
Walters, J – striker, STO – £2m
Former Rotherham Counsellor Roger Stone – striker, ROT – £17.5m (Titus Bramble player)

Out
Szczesny, W – goalkeeper, ARS – £0m
Brown, W – defender, SUN – £0.5m
Senderos, P – defender, AVL – £0m
Gamboa, C – defender, WBA – £0m
Flores, C – defender, QAT – £0m
McCarthy, J – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Navas, J – midfielder, MCY – £0.5m
Nolan, K – midfielder, WHU – £0m
Valencia, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Graham, D – striker, SUN – £0m
Sturridge, D – striker, LIV – forfeit under the Titus Bramble ruling

Remaining budget: £9m

Walthamstow Reds 2014/15

In-ger-land: The Walthamstow Reds manager

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 7th

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: House of Love – East 17

Season preview in one sentence: Are James Milner and Aiden McGeady really going to win you your first ever Kenna title in 10 years of trying?

Cech, P (TW2)	CHE	£ 0.50
Chester, J (TW1)	HUL	£ 0.50
Janmaat, D	NEW	£ 4.00
Williams, A	SWA	£ 4.00
Pieters, E	STO	£ 2.00
Lamela, E	TOT	£ 28.00
Coutinho, P (TW1)	LIV	£ 7.00
Navas, J (TW2)	MCY	£ 0.50
Walcott, T	ARS	£ 18.00
Kramaric, A (TW2)	LEI	£ 6.00
Rooney, W	MUN	£ 39.00
		£ 98m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Schmeichel, K – goalkeeper, LEI – £0.50
Chester, J – defender, HUL – £0.50
Coutinho, P – midfielder, LIV – £7m
Arfield, S – midfielder, BUR – £0.50
Agbonlahor, G – striker, AVL – £0.50

Out
Cech, P – goalkeeper, CHE – £0m
Flanagan, J – defender, LIV – £0m
McGeady, A – midfielder, EVE – £0m
Milner, J – midfielder, MCY – 0.50m
Ideye, B – striker, WBA – £0m

Remaining budget: £3.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Cech, P – goalkeeper, CHE – £0.5m
Navas, J – midfielder, MCY – £0.5m
Kramaric, A – striker, LEI – £6m

Out
Schmeichel, K – goalkeeper, LEI – £0m
Arfield, S – midfielder, BUR – £0m
Agbonlahor, G – striker, AVL – £0m

Remaining budget: £6.5m

Sporting Lesbian 2014/15

Sloth: The Sporting Lesbian manager

Manager: Ben M (Cumbria)

Twitter name: @BenMarcangelo

Since: 2012

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2012/13

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Lesbian Seagull – David van Driessen

Season preview in one sentence: The expensive Sanchez and Sterling aside, only time will tell whether the Kenna champions from two seasons ago are a team of canny buys or complete dross.

de Gea, D	MUN	£ 1.00
Coleman, S	EVE	£ 14.00
Demichelis, M	MCY	£ 0.50
Luis, F	CHE	£ 10.00
Tomkins, J	WHM	£ 0.50
Elmohamady, A (TW1)	HUL	£ 1.00
Sterling, R	LIV	£ 33.00
Westwood, A	AVL	£ 0.50
Dyer, N (TW1)	SWA	£ 8.00
Sanchez, A	ARS	£ 34.00
Pelle, G	SOT	£ 3.00
		£ 105.00m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Elmohamady, A – midfielder, HUL – £1m
Dyer, N – midfielder, SWA – £8m

Out
Paulinho – midfielder, TOT – £0m
Hernandez, P – midfielder, QAT – £0m

Remaining budget: £3.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

No transfers

Remaining budget: £3.5m

Kenna League 10th anniversary auction: photos

THE Saturday afternoon of 9 August 2014 marked a momentous day in London pub-based fantasy football: the 10th anniversary auction of the Kenna League.

With the competition now in it’s first week (Kenna table below), 10 photos of this historic occasion show the day in all its glory.

All photos and captions by the Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

The chairman begins what he describes to everyone but his fiancee as his most important speech of the year

Ahead of the auction the Kenna League chairman made a short address to the 16 managers gathered above The Carpenter’s Arms near Marble Arch.

Traditionally consisting of flimsy and inappropriate jokes about the cultural origins of league members, this 10th anniversary’s Fozzie Bear performance made reference to the number 10 being linked to the average age children are radicalised in Somalia…after reading Treasure Island…as part of the school curriculum.

Sadly, the league’s Somali representative was not present to take offence.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excels patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget — The Hairy Fadjeetas manager using Excel’s patented tight-fisted Yorkshireman feature to ensure he stays within budget

Still on the run after brutally beating a female Sky Sports News presenter to death on Chobham Common, one manager was forced to dial into the auction from his Swiss hideout.

A Kenna manager's best friend...and an auction brochure LOLZ — A Kenna manager’s best friend…and an auction brochure LOLZ

A classic auction photo. See how the additional challenge of rampant alcoholism has this manager consider tabling a bid for West Bromwich Albion reserve goalkeeper Boaz Myhill.

Hamas were always going to struggle to pass the fit and proper owner test

Managers arriving at Marble Arch tube station that day were greeted by a ‘Free Palestine’ demonstration, which most of them ignored. Except the Piedmonte manager, who turned up to the auction late carrying a placard.

Managers hang on the chairman's every word — Managers hang on the chairman’s every word

Is this the last ever photo of the Bramble Jersey? The Wigan Athletic shirt thought to have been worn by the notorious defender were among the league effects to disappear after the auction when an errant taxi driver cheesed it.

The fate of Le Maillot Merde, the Bramble bell, auction hammer, Kenna HQ keys and pornographic playing cards are still at the mercy of the Transport for London lost property department.

As with any marathon-length event carbohydrate loading was essential

This year’s auction took six hours, which is a test of stamina for any fantasy football manager. For the Fat Ladies boss, returning to the league after a few years, the event proved too much on liquid alone and he cracked.

Auditions for a remake of Brideshead Revisted were also taking place

Alexander the Great, on some ancient campaign, came across the Gordian Knot: a piece of rope so tangled that the greatest minds in the known world could not untie it. Alexander solved the problem by chopping through the knot with his sword.

Here the Judean Peoples’ Front manager talks a similar approach to a conundrum that has bugged the Kenna since the public smoking ban. How does a pub-based fantasy football auction that usually takes place in upstairs rooms allow managers to chuff on a tab and take part in proceedings?

Technically he’s not flouting the law. In reality he looks like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Deep in concentration or possibly just passing wind

Armed with a player list and their wits – well, just a player list – managers attempt to buy eleven players during the auction…

…which can be thirsty work.

Thanks Tactical Brambler but we still hate you

Tired of wiping the floor with the floor with the league and all that prize money, and much maligned after discovering the sharp practice of tactical Brambling, the FC Testiculadew manager sought to increase his popularity by donating his Emerson World Cup winnings to the bar at the 10th anniversary auction.

The chairman thought long and hard about the how best to spend this sum and came up with master plan of half a case of champagne. For those looking to organise their own fantasy football auction, this worked well as managers were instantly talkative and engaged in proceedings.

One learning point for the future would be to not buy as much champagne, for after a couple of hours there was a definite lull. After that memories are sketchy.

Kenna table

Bala Rinas 2014/15

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – treasurer)

Last season: 3rd

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Season preview in one sentence: Chamakh and Jovetic yet to perform to their heralded potential in the Kenna, so it looks like the treasurer will be relying on Cahill, Ramsey and Eriksen to better last season’s third place.

Guzan, B	AVL	£0.50
Cahill, G	CHE	£15.00
Kelly, M (TW2)	CRY	£0.50
Brown, W (TW2)	SUN	£0.50
Trippier, K	BUR	£0.50
Eriksen, C	TOT	£24.00
Ramsey, A	ARS	£20.00
Tadic, D	SOT	£10.00
Sissoko, M	NEW	£3.00
Bony, W (TW2)	MCY	£23.00
Diouf, M (TW2)	STO	£0.50
		£97.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

No transfers. Not even Marouane Chamakh.

Remaining budget: £16m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Kelly, M – defender, CRY – £0.5m
Brown, W – defender, SUN – £0.5m
Bony, W – striker, MCY – £23m
Diouf, M – striker, STO – £0.5m

Out
Lovren, D – defender, LIV – £0m
Rafael – defender, MUN – £0m
Jovetic, S – striker, MCY – £0m
Chamakh, M – striker, ARS – £0m

Remaining budget: £1.5m

Young Boys of Vauxhall 2014/15

Manager: Denney (Wales)

Twitter name: @andenney

Since: 2006

Last season: 16th

Trohpy cabinet: Champions 2010/11, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: We Don’t Talk Anymore – Sir Cliff Richard

Season preview in one sentence: Accomplished back five – should Don Vito get a starting berth – but flimsy going forward and unlikely to be able to do it on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke.

Ospina, D (TW2)	ARS	£ 6.00
Baines, L	EVE	£ 5.00
Vertonghen, J (TW2)	TOT	£ 10.00
Kolarov, A	MCY	£ 5.00
Terry, J	CHE	£ 17.00
Moses, V (TW1)	STO	£ 0.50
Sigurdsson, G	SWA	£ 10.00
Elia, E (TW2)	SOT	£ 2.00
Boyd, G (TW2)	BUR	£ 0.50
Austin, C (TW1)	QPR	£ 0.50
Sturridge, D (TW2)	LIV	£ 0.50
		£ 96m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Richardson, K – defender, AVL – £5m
Moses, V – midfielder, STO – £0.5m
Tiote, C – midfielder, NEW – £0.5m
Austin, C – striker, QPR – £0.5m
Balotelli, M – striker, LIV – £1m

Out
Jones, P – defender, MUN – £0.5m
Markovic, L – midfielder, LIV – £0m
Hoilett, J – midfielder, QPR – £0m
Krkic, B – striker, STO – £0m
Riviere, E – striker, NEW – £0m

Remaining budget: £12m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Ospina, D – goalkeeper, ARS – £6m
Vertonghen, J – defender, TOT – £10m
Elia, E – midfielder, SOT – £2m
Boyd, G – midfielder, BUR – £0.5m
Sturridge, D – striker, LIV – £2m

Out
Mannone, V – goalkeeper, SUN – £0m
Richardson, K – defender, AVL – £0.5m
Arteta, M – midfielder, ARS – £0m
Tiote, C – midfielder, NEW – £0m
Balotelli, M – striker, LIV – £0m

Remaining budget: £1m

Lokomotiv Leeds 2014/15

All over my face: The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – runner up in 2011/12)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Bicycle Race – Queen

Season preview in one sentence: Still struggling to follow up an impressive debut three years ago, emerges from the auction with some agricultural defending, hotchpotch midfield options and Ivorians up front: lottery.

Heaton, T	BUR	£ 0.50
Shawcross, R	STO	£ 2.00
Moreno, A (TW1)	LIV	£ 13.00
Cresswell, A (TW2)	WHU	£ 8.00
Gibbs, K	ARS	£ 2.00
Colback, J (TW2)	NEW	£ 6.00
Silva, D	MCY	£ 25.00
Livermore, J (TW1)	HUL	£ 0.50
Mane, S (TW1)	SOT	£ 0.50
Defoe, J (TW2)	SUN	£ 15.00
Naismith, S (TW1)	EVE	£ 5.00
		£ 81.50m

First transfer window – Friday 17 October 2014

In
Moreno, A – defender, LIV – £13m
Livermore, J – midfielder, HUL – £0.50m
Mane, S – midfielder, SOT – £0.50
Naismith, S – striker, EVE – £5m

Out
Stones, J – defender, EVE – £0m
de Jong, S – midfielder, NEW – £0m
Nzonzi, S – midfielder, STO – £0m
Drogba, D – striker, CHE – £0m

Remaining budget: 9.5m

Second transfer window – Saturday 7 February 2015

In
Cresswell, A – defender, WHU – £8m
Colback, J – midfielder, NEW – £6m
Defoe, J – striker, SUN – £15m

Out
Vertonghen, J – defender, TOT – £10m
Herrera, A – midfielder, MUN – £0m
Bony, W – striker, MCY – £23m

Remaining budget: £23.5m