The first player sold in the auction for the Kenna’s highest ever fee, Neymar went on to score two goals before the Where’s Neymar? manager messed up his calculations and overspent his budget.
The chairman snapped up the attacker for a £7.5m, a tenth of the initial cost.
In an email to Kenna HQ, dated yesterday and leaked today, the Where’s Neymar? manager said: “You should expect a legal challenge with regards to the points gained by Neymar last night, as when they were scored he was, unquestionably, a Where’s Neymar? player.
“Furthermore, we believe it is unprecedented in the Kenna’s illustrious history, that a manger is awarded points already scored before the player is a actually signed, further strengthening the Where’s Neymar? claim to all points incurred by the player in question.”
Kenna HQ lawyers have dismissed the claim as ‘sour grapes’ and pointed to the manager’s poor addition and mathematical skills.
The chairman said: “Where’s Neymar?? His team should be called Where’s Your Abacus?
“The manager is simply trying to deflect attention away from the fact he auctioned poorly and needs a calculator.
“He’s always claimed he is a Welshman, yet he turns up three hours late wearing a Belgium shirt and makes a very convincing case of his inability to manage a football team, numbers or a wardrobe.”
THE controversial transfer of one of the world’s biggest footballing superstars for a mere £7.5m has shone a light on the murky workings of the Kenna, according to inside sources.
Neymar – the Brazilian poster child of World Cup 2014 – was originally sold to the Where’s Neymar? manager for a staggering £75m at last night’s Emerson World Cup auction, but was later returned to the auctioneer’s list after the same manager fell foul of the Titus Bramble ruling.
But eyebrows were raised when it became clear that only two managers were still eligible to bid for the playmaker, who bagged a brace in the World Cup curtain raiser against Croatia. One of those managers was the Kenna chairman.
“It just seems a bit strange that almost at the end of the auction, Neymar is returned to the pot and the chairman is straight in there bidding away with a war chest close to fifty big ones,” said a source close to the Kenna camp.
And in a further development, investigations have shown that the Where’s Neymar manager – whose error led to Neymar being returned to the eligible player list to the chairman’s benefit – has not paid his subscription.
The Chairman was unavailable for comment.
In further controversy, the chairman is also rumoured to have tried to cover up a Titus Bramble forfeit when he illegally bought a second German, Marco Reus.
Accusations of ‘this isn’t FIFA’ led to the chairman admitting his error and losing Mario Gotze on a Bramble.
Despite assurances from the chairman that the Clerkenwell site is fully functional, it’s believed that work is not complete. According to witnesses naked power cables are visible in the tap room, Billy the Singing Fish is still without batteries and the promised Dyson Airblade has yet to make an appearance in the gents.
But it is the soft furnishings that will most alarm managers who are due to descend on the purpose built public house in 24 hours time. Threadbare cushions, beer stained chair covers and cigarette burns – long thought to be a thing of the past in an English establishment – litter the carpet.
Speaking to reporters outside Kenna HQ and wearing an off-the-peg Armani suit, the chairman said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Every penny available has been spent on securing the most fit-for-purpose venue for the World Cup auction.
“I’m confident that our choice represents the ideals of the Kenna as well as money well spent – every last penny if you’re taking notes.”
WHAT was Theo Walcott doing at the 2006 World Cup in Germany?
Ahead of the tournament, blind English optimists saw his inclusion in the squad as an exciting commitment to their country’s long-term footballing ambitions.
But when star striker Michael Owen collapsed injured in the second minute of England’s final group game against Sweden, the 17-year-old Arsenal winger went unused, as he did for the rest of tournament.
In the wake of recent scandal, the decision of then England manager Sven Goran-Eriksson to take a teenage boy on a three-week summer trip to the Continent now looks like some sort of a pre-Yewtree indulgence.
In reality, for every top scorer and penalty hero the World Cup there is a multitude of cover: unused substitutes, young players out to get a bit of experience and dogeared veterans who rarely get a run out for their national side anymore.
So in the build up to proceedings in Brazil, as squads are pored over and likely starting line ups are discussed in cafés and bars from South America to South London, everyone will be looking for the shining stars.
But what of those making the least impact?
Of the 736 footballers who have travelled to the Amazon Basin, a 23-man squad is published today of what is hoped are the most goal-shy benchwarmers ‘on the plane’.
Made up of those least likely to impress themselves on matters in Brazil, the ‘Titus Bramble squad’ includes three goalkeepers, eight defenders, seven midfielders and five strikers from the top 23 FIFA-ranked countries at the tournament.
The casual observer may be wondering why the outright worst 23 players at the tournament were not selected. Firstly, it was felt that over the last few weeks there has been more than enough criticism of the Australia squad.
With a £100m budget and a quota of one footballer per country, each manager will be keen to secure the services of the best players and give themselves a shot at Emerson glory.
With five points for a goal, three for an assist and two for starting a match, first-choice strikers, attacking midfielders and wing backs overlapping up the flanks will all come at a premium. Though honourable, the ‘Claude Makalele role’ is not desirable at this level.
And with defenders and goalkeepers getting four points for a clean sheet and goalies five for a penalty save, managers will be looking to avoid taking valuable spaces with full backs and centre backs who don’t get forward.
Any manager going over budget or found to have bought more than one player from a certain country will trigger the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling.
Either their most expensive or their illegal player will be removed and replaced with a bogey man from the Bramble line up below.
A high-intensity auction pace on licensed premises ensures at least a handful of managers always fall foul.
Follow the Emerson World Cup auction on a live blog on KennaLeague.com on Thursday from 6.30pm British Summer Time.
Victor (Brazil, 6 caps, aged 31) – may have been the best goalkeeper in the Copa Libertadores in 2013, but still behind Cesar and Jefferson in the pecking order.
Agustin Orion (Argentina, 3 caps, aged 32) – if Sergio Romero gets stretchered off, Mariano Andujar will take the gloves.
Defenders
Matthias Ginter (Germany, 2 caps, aged 20) – young Master Ginter will do well to get picked above Hummels and Mertesacker.
Jose Maria Giminez (Uruguay, 6 caps, aged 19) – in a settled Uruguay outfit, the young Real Madrid centre back looks to be along for the experience.
Philipe Senderos (Switzerland, 53 caps, aged 29) – a full member of the Arsene Wenger dodgy centre back signing club, Senderos is likely to start on the bench.
Timothy Chandler (USA, 12 caps, aged 24) – this defender is most notable for his resemblance to Rob Earnshaw, according to his wikipedia page.
Lucas Digne (France, 2 caps, aged 20) – while it’s likely Patrice Evra, Mathieu Debuchy, Raphael Varane and Laurent Koscielny decide to down tools, the French camp would be in such familiar disarray, Digne would struggle to make an impact.
Constant Djakpa (Cote D’Ivoire, 3 caps, aged 26) – constant hopes one of the preferred centre back pairing gets a snapped hamstring and he gets a chance to add to his three appearances since 2007.
Laurent Ciman (Belgium, 8 caps, aged 28) – Daniel van Buyten is the obvious replacement if any of a strong back four come off.
Oscar Bagui (Ecuador, 21 caps, aged 31) – has not made an appearance for his country since 2010, but continues to be called up.
Midfielders
Alexander Mejia (Colombia, 8 caps, aged 25) – the young Colombian has the tournament’s smallest Wikipedia page and Colombia’s smallest chance of getting in above a wealth of attacking talent.
Marco Parolo (Italy, 4 caps, aged 29) – four appearances in three years for Italy smells like bench warming.
Frank Lampard (England, 105 caps, aged 35) – every England fan will be hoping not to get overrun in yet another knockout match while Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard look at each other across the pitch like they’ve never met before.
Jean Beausejour (Chile, 59 caps, aged 30) – as ever Chile have an exciting team, and as ever the Wigan Athletic lefty isn’t expecting to start matches.
Jose Juan Vazquez (Mexico, 5 caps, aged 26) – known as El Gallo (The Rooster), he certainly isn’t the favoured cock in the defensive midfield position.
Sammir (Croatia, 5 caps, aged 26) – Brazilian who found a Croatian passport. When he was first called up to the national side some Croat players resigned in protest. Funny really, because it’s not like they’ve got form for racism.
Tino Sven-Susic (Bosnia, 2 caps, aged 22) – surely there are murmurs Tino only got selected because his uncle Safet is the national coach.
Strikers
Eder (Portugal, 7 caps, aged 26) – second string striker once went AWOL for club Academia and suspended.
Theofanis Gekas (Greece, 70 caps, aged 34) – out-of-form, ageing striker in the tournament’s most goal-shy team.
Memphis Depay (Netherlands, 6 caps, aged 20) – Robin van Persie, Arjen Robben and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar are all favoured over this young left winger.
Maksim Kanunnikov (Russia, 2 caps, aged 22) – has never scored in a Russia shirt.
El Arbi Hillel Soudani (Algeria, 22 caps, aged 26) – the third-choice striker in a lone front man set up.
Wesley Sneijder scores another ‘goal’ for Nelson’s Column during the the Dr Khumalo 2010 World Cup (photo: LizNN7)
THE 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup runner up says he is out to ‘settle old scores’ at this summer’s tournament in Brazil, which starts next week.
South Afrikaans Are Racist Santander narrowly missed out on the top spot four years ago after a FIFA technical study group controversially awarded two goals to Nelson’s Column midfielder Wesley Sneijder.
The notches helped the Nelson’s Column manager, who is also chairman of the Kenna League, win the Dr Khumalo World Cup and become the first in history to win a Kenna league and cup domestic double and international tournament in the same year.
“I’ve got a score to settle, there’s no doubt about,” said the SAARS boss in a press conference ahead of next Thursday’s Emerson World Cup auction.
“With Gonzalo Higuaín, Mesut Özil and Carlos Puyol on fire in 2010, I fully deserved to win that trophy. The chairman’s only decent signing was Iker Casillas in goal. The rest of the side were an utter shower, and the authorities should never have allowed those Wesley Sneijder ‘goals’,” he said, holding both hands at head height and slowly curling his index fingers twice.
Many at the time agreed with this assessment. Victory for Nelson’s Column had appeared unimaginable after the 2010 pre-tournament auction, held in the Edgar Wallace just off the Strand, when the chairman ended up with a strike partnership of Angelos Charisteas and The Yak.
But Nelson’s Column went on to win the World Cup by five points in a nail biting contest.
Managers will use their £100m war chest to buy 11 players in a tried-and-tested-at-international-level 4-4-2 formation, while adhering to the quota of one player per nationality.
Any side found to have exceeded the nationality quota or going over budget will be subjected to the draconian Titus Bramble forfeit. Their most desirable player will be removed and replaced with a bogey footballer.
The 23-man Titus Bramble squad, made up of players least likely to make an impact from the top 23-ranked countries, is due to be announced early next week.
Sources close to organisers say Frank Lampard, Phillipe Senderos and reserve Spain goalkeeper and hanger-on-party-guy Pepe Reina are among those set to feature.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through
Venue menu snafu: As it stands, the Union Tavern is not ready for the Emerson World Cup auction (photo: Ian Alexander Martin)
THE date is set, squads are being announced and managers are scratching their heads to think of amusing team names.
But with two weeks to go until the hammer goes down on the first player at the 2014 Emerson World Cup auction, the venue is still not ready.
The Union Tavern on Lloyd Baker Street, Clerkenwell, was selected to host the Emerson auction for its roomy upstairs bar, impressive range of premium lagers and gastropub food offer.
The Victorian architecture was viewed as an excellent setting for managers to spend the four-hour auction buying their 11 players for the tournament, and enjoy the opening match between Brazil and Croatia.
Instead arrangements have been thrown into disarray when it emerged during a spot inspection from Emerson officials this week that the pub food menu has not yet been decided.
The landlord said dishes will not be confirmed until at least 10 days before the auction.
The revelations will be yet more egg on the face of organisers, although they were unable to say how that egg would be cooked and with what it would be served, if at all.
For managers trying to Skype into the second transfer window in February, this fresh display of ineptitude from league authorities will come as no surprise. The broken promise of wifi in The Enterprise in Holborn as they tried to buy players from the Alps is still a painful memory.
“There will be at least 15 people turning up in the evening who won’t have eaten since lunchtime, and as we stand they don’t know whether they can order pappardelle pasta with New Forest mushrooms, rocket, parmesan & truffle oil or lamb rump, sweet potato purée, caramelised shallots, minted peas & jus.
“Kenna HQ? More like Clusterf*ck HQ. It’s an utter disaster.”
In the face of criticism, the chairman remained confident the situation would be resolved and urged people ‘don’t pay attention to the prawn sandwich brigade’.
“Whatever’s on the menu, we know from previous events that any self-respecting manager will opt for a Cornish pasty on the way to the pub followed by several pints and a traditional ‘crisp buffet’ if someone decides to buy three bags of Phileas Fogg to open up on the table,” he shrugged.
YAYA Touré isn’t the only person in football this week to make demands about how things should be presented to him.
A memo leaked from Kenna HQ has revealed the FC Testiculadew manager, whose side won the league and cup double this season, has made a series of requests about how he would like his prize giving ceremony to go, most of which were turned down by a cash-strapped league administration.
First of all the FCT manager, known around the Kenna as the Tactical Brambler, asked for a novelty cheque as he’d ‘never received one and it’d be a great photo opportunity for the league’.
The manager continued: “Regarding the trophy presentation, I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to this, is there any way this can be done as the top of a flight of steps at the pub rather than on the ground floor on a small stage with confetti cannons?”
In turning down many of the FCT manager’s requests, league authorities were quick to point out the fiscal constraints placed upon them by failure of the Dulwich Red Sox manager to pay his £25 entry fee.
The official response said: “When contacted the FA were polite but reluctant to give the green light for a Wembley presentation, and a potential sponsorship deal with Mumm champagne also fell through when talks were at advanced stages.
“Added to that are financial difficulties at the Kenna HQ because one manager didn’t pay his subs.
“In short, the league can provide a pub staircase, handover ceremony and a two-litre bottle of White Lightening, but you’ll have to bring your own cheerleaders.
“We regret to inform you, however, that a novelty cheque is out of the question. The office printer is out of ink.”
The Dulwich Red Sox manager’s pecuniary disinclination has also led to a reduction in prize monies this season.
A Cockney chalkstripe from the Kenna HQ speculations department confirmed: “Manager of the Month awards, which were set at £12.50, have been reduced to an Ayrton.
“The Wenger Trophy has also been reduced from a pony to a Bobby Moore. Considering the Judean Peoples’ Front manager’s untimely visit to the Frank Zapper, that makes it the most expensive pony he’s ever had!” he quipped.
FC Testiculadew: £270
Kenna League champions: £150
Canesten Combi Cup winners: £100
Manager of the Month in January and April: £10 x2
Piedmonte: £85
Kenna League runners up: £75
Manager of the Month in November: £10
Other Manager of the Month awards: £10 each August: Sporting Lesbian
September: Headless Chickens
October: Hairy Fadjeetas
December: This is Sparta…Prague
February: Pikey Scum
March: Just Put Carles
May: Still Don’t Know Yet
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart
Alan Hansen’s coloured performance chart – Kenna League 2013/14
EMERSON World Cup organisers have admitted funny fantasy football team names will be harder to come by this summer than previous tournaments, and launched an appeal for ideas.
“We’ve had our top minds putting their heads together for the last three days and the best they’ve come up with is ‘Copa Lallana’, ‘Kappa-Wearers’ and ‘Just Like Watching Alan Brazil’. It’s a bit embarrassing really,” lamented the chairman.
Other names to come out of the Emerson think tank include: ‘Christopher Samba School’, ‘Man or Manaus’, ‘Rio de Mistrugstessed’ and ‘Just Like Watching Savile’ – the last a reference to the childhood innocence of many Emerson managers in the 1980s.
“Two years ago Poland and Ukraine had the social shortcomings and unfortunate 20th Century history which meant inappropriate team names were easy to come by,” reminisced the chairman. “And the 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup, well, I can tell you our lawyers are very happy those weren’t published online.”
The admission has led to fears the Emerson will simply not be as irreverent as previous tournaments.
The chairman this morning launched an appeal for anyone with a sense of humour to come forward with team names ahead of the Emerson auction, which is scheduled to take place in a London pub on Thursday 12 June, the evening of the opening game.
The 2014 Emerson World Cup is sponsored by Soul Glo: Let Your Soul Shine Through.
Chocolate hostage: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager claims a rival Welshman took advantage of his singular bowel movement ritual (photo: FluffyPuppy2007)
THE Judean Peoples’ Front manager has claimed an ill-timed call of nature at the second transfer window flushed away his chances of finishing third in this season’s Kenna League.
Having occupied the number three spot for over three months as the season approached its back end, Judean Peoples’ Front were wiped down to fourth on the penultimate week of the campaign by rival Welsh manager’s side Bala Rinas.
As it is, while the JPF manager was in consultation with this number two, Bala Rinas signed Nasri for £2.5m and shot to third, his best ever finish.
The Breivik lookalike maintains insider knowledge of his unusually lengthy toiletting habits were used by the Bala manager, who is also the Kenna treasurer, to secure Nasri while he was dropping the kids off at the pool.
“I would have come third if I hadn’t gone for a shit. It’s as simple as that,” said the JPF manager yesterday.
“The treasurer, he’s a sneaky one. He knew I had more money than him on that transfer night and that I wanted Nasri. He knows I take a long time to park the fudge, so he waited for me to crimp one off and signed the midfielder on the cheap.”
This is the second time Samir Nasri has unwittingly found himself at the centre of this season’s Kenna League narrative.
Many managers were stunned the Frenchman was available in the first place.
The Piedmonte manager inexplicably released Nasri ahead of the second transfer window in favour of the services of Andros Townsend.
Presented with a genuine shot at the title two months ago, Piedmonte eventually hit the skids while Nasri flourished. For the second time, the Wulfrunian manager finds himself at number 2 – his ninth tilt at the title down the pan.
Asked today how he has masterminded two Kenna doubles in just three seasons, the FCT manager said: “It’s a giddy mix of knowledge, preparation and luck.”
In further comments that will not endear the already unpopular manager to the rest of the league, he continued: “Having said that, I’d consider ourselves unlucky this season. Had the lady smiled on us, rest assured your crushing under foot would have been far more emphatic.
“We’d have ripped your heads off and shat down each and everyone of your necks, real diarrhoea style.”
