fantasy football – Page 54 – The Jeff Kenna League

Kenna League agrees lucrative Metro Bank sponsorship deal

Metro Bank deal — M-People: Soon after this photo was taken Metro Man was heard to invite the Kenna chairman for a ‘cheeky Tuesday livener’

METRO Bank will become the main sponsor of the Kenna League as part of a £120m deal, it was announced today.

The three-year agreement includes everything from titles sponsorship of the Kenna League and exclusive world-wide marketing rights to corporate match-day hospitality to providing the pub buffet at auctions and transfer windows.

Media were invited to a launch event this morning at Metro Bank’s flagship Holborn branch in central London.

“This sponsorship shows the Kenna is a serious player in world football. We look forward to what promises to be a mutually beneficial relationship,” said the Kenna chairman, his eyes glazed over with pound sterling currency symbols.

There were a few raised eyebrows in the press pack when it turned out that rather than the chief executive or commercial director, the bank had left affairs to their mascot – Metro Man.

“I can assure you that I speak of behalf of the bank’s leadership team when I say we’re delighted to be entering this exciting partnership with the Kenna League,” enthused Metro Man a little too loudly, having emerged from the bank’s executive lavatory after an inordinate amount of time.

The M-shaped mascot tried to engage security staff in an arm wrestle and offered several of the branch’s nonplussed female employees a peek at his ‘love letter’, before posing for pictures with the Kenna chairman.

Metro Man demanded: “Get a wriggle on with these snaps will you? I want to get down to Coq d’Argent to toast this deal with a few bottles of Krug, sharpish. I’m doing a primary school at two.”

City analysts have questioned the legitimacy of the agreement.

In the league this week, Young Boys climbed out of the relegation zone for the first time in 10 weeks.

The feat was attributed to new signing Emmanuel Adebayor enjoying one of his three good weeks of the season. Months of underperformance lie ahead.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	48	1
2	Young Boys	Denney	42	3
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	39	3
4	Newington Reds	Dudley	38	1
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	38	0
6	Piedmonte	Phil	37	2
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	36	3
8	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	36	1
9	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	32	2
10	Team Panda Rules OK	George	28	1
11	St. Reatham FC	Mike	28	0
12	Headless Chickens	John N	26	2
13	FC Testiculadew	James N	26	0
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	0
15	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	24	0
16	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	1
17	KS West Green	Stix	22	1
18	Just put Carles	Carles	21	0
19	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	21	0
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	20	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	18	0
23	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	8	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
		Club	Pikey Scum

Busy pubs and bad jokes

Bramble jersey Feb14 anon — Chin, chin: Having been awarded the Bramble Jersey by the Kenna chairman, the former PSV Mornington manager (right) hit the bar and made no signings. He stands accused of ‘presenteeism’

A SOMALI, a Jew, two Catalans, three Welshmen and nine blokes who once considered it their capital city walk into a London pub.

It’s not the start of an inappropriate joke, but what happened last Friday night when Kenna League managers gathered for the season’s second transfer window.

Over three hours in the busy bar of The Enterprise in Holborn, nearly 40 football players went under the hammer as managers shouted above the din of brisk trade.

For those that turned out there was plenty to whet the appetite.

Sporting Lesbian laid £15m on Wilfred Zaha, the most expensive player of the evening.

Bala Rinas, in the mix for a first league title, splashed just £1m less on the formerly unfashionable Marouane Chamakh, and were immediately rewarded with a goal this week.

Despite grumblings afterwards about connectivity, the Headless Chickens manager was able to Whatsapp in from an Austrian skiing chalet to scoop Kostantinos Mitroglu for £14m, and keep the team’s title hopes alive.

At the other end of the table, Young Boys were ringing the changes in a bid to escape relegation. Among seven new players was another £14m signing of the evening in the shape of Emmanuel Adebayor.

It was a typically haphazard night for fellow relegation strugglers Spartak Mogadishu.

Much to everyone’s amusement, the Pirates manager signed Danny Graham in earnest, but then realised the striker was ineligible to score points while languishing on the banks of the River Tees.

Graham was quickly tossed overboard under the new wildcard ruling, which allows any manager to dispense of one player at random during the window.

@jeffkennaleague as requested 😀 tricampeao included. Enjoy the premium lager pic.twitter.com/GqRJpyGcHA

— Carles Duz Palau (@cduzpalau) February 7, 2014

As an intermediary battled the miserable London winter to make five signings for Just Put Carles, the manager tweeted a photo of himself on the beach in Antigua.

When the Catalan returns from the Caribbean imagine just how much colder and wetter the runway at Heathrow will be when he discovers his new striker is Shola Ameobi.

The concerning trend of absenteeism, so prevalent at – or not at – October’s window, gave way to new far more dangerous practice on Friday: presenteeism.

Just a little prick: Harold Shipman was one of the notorious criminals revealed as part of the Titus Bramble Pub XI

The former PSV Mornington manager turned up to the window, collected the Bramble Jersey for being bottom of the league and proceeded to make no signings all night. He preferred to consume pints and cigarettes at an alarming rate until midnight.

It just goes to show the pressure of propping up the Kenna table can never be underestimated.

With the window closing at around 10.30pm to end transfer business for the season, managers were left to open the envelopes containing the mystery forfeit Titus Bramble players.

Made up of some of the most high-profile deviants of the last 20 years, the inappropriate jokes could finally begin.

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	49	3
2	St. Reatham FC	Mike	40	3
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	40	2
4	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	38	2
5	Piedmonte	Phil	36	2
6	Pikey Scum	Jack	34	2
7	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	32	2
8	FC Testiculadew	James N	31	0
9	KS West Green	Stix	31	0
10	Young Boys	Denney	30	1
11	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	25	3
12	Just put Carles	Carles	25	0
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
14	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	23	2
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	1
16	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	22	0
17	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	21	2
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	19	0
19	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	1
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	0
21	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
22	Team Panda Rules OK	George	11	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	7	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Hazard, E – CHE – MID
		Club	Hairy Fadjeetas

Danny Graham survives scrape with Pirates

Pirates plank — Released: When the Pirates realised Danny Graham was no longer eligible for the Kenna League they tossed him off (credit: Pirate Johnny).

By the Still Don’t Know Yet manager

A FLEET of Royal Navy ships has been deployed off the north east coast in an attempt to ward off the possibility of further pirate attacks following the brief abduction of a Middlesbrough football player.

Danny Graham had only just transferred to Boro from Kenna League team Still Don’t Know Yet when the incident happened on Friday night.

A pirate raiding party sailed up the River Tees to the club’s Riverside Stadium, where a landing party disembarked, captured the striker, and took him back on board.

However, after realising that Graham was ineligible to play for anyone but Middlesbrough (and useless at football so of little use for ransom), he was swiftly released almost as suddenly as he was captured.

“Yaaarrrrr, t’was an administrative error,” said a pirate spokesman as their ship sailed back towards Somalia.

Kenna chiefs slammed as ‘self-interested Luddites’

Transfer night in The Enterprise — Serious business: Kenna managers gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn for Friday night’s transfer window.

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

TWO of the Kenna’s current powerhouses reacted with dismay after the season’s second transfer window descended in to farce on Friday evening.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Headless Chickens – two of the league’s so-called Big Four – were frozen out of proceedings as managers scrambled to fine tune or radically overhaul their teams in readiness for the business end of the season.

Accusations from the two mangers centre on the fact that league chiefs were unable to organise a piss up in a brewery/use Skype to allow team bosses on overseas scouting missions to bid for players. Skype has been the preferred method of bidding in abstentia for a number of years.

Speaking from an Alpine retreat, the Headless Chickens manager said: “Those at the top need to ask themselves some serious questions. Why we couldn’t engage in proceedings using a freemium voice-over-IP service and instant messaging client, I don’t know.

“I was asked to take part in what could be a season-defining auction using Whatsapp, that’s the digital equivalent of a carrier pigeon. They’re just self-interested Luddites.”

And the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, who recently fired a foul-mouthed salvo across the bows of Kenna HQ, added: “It’s not often that I feel like writing a strongly worded letter, but I am rather annoyed. C*nts.”

Kenna transfers nights are no strangers to controversy. During the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction, the Horn of Africa threatened to resign his commission after a series of blunders while the very same evening saw the introduction of the pernicious practice known as tactical Brambling – the unloved brainchild of the current FC Testiculadew boss.

The Kenna chairman said: “Promises were made about wifi that weren’t kept.”

Fadges boss ‘does a Kinnear’

Joe Kinnear Kenna word cloud1 — Saxon the beach: A word cloud from the Hairy Fadjeetas manager’s press conference today (courtesy of CiaranJ75)

THE Hairy Fadjeetas manager has launched an expletive-ridden tirade in response to criticism of his approach to tomorrow’s Kenna League transfer window.

Labelling several Kenna figures as a rude word associated with a lady’s part, criticising league rivals and getting several of his players’ names wrong, the Hairy Fadjeetas manager held a press conference the likes of which football has never seen before*.

The pressure of his first genuine Kenna title challenge appeared to have rattled the Fadges manager, whose team was was knocked off the top spot this week by FC Testiculadew.

Despite an underperforming strikeforce of Roberto Soldado and Javier Hernandez, the manager has come under fire from fans and the club for choosing not to release any players ahead of tomorrow’s last chance to make changes before the end of the season in May.

Speaking while on holiday in the Austrian Alps as to how he planned to push for his maiden Kenna title without freshening up his team, the Fadges manager spat out this furious tirade earlier today:

“Don’t you f*ck!ng start. Which one’s the Chairman? You’re a c*nt. And which one’s from Mogadoodoo? You’re out of order. I don’t have to stand for it. Trying to f*cking undermine my position are you? It’s going to my lawyers.

“Transfers? Why do I need to make transfers? Are you trying to say my squad isn’t f*cking good enough or that I can’t get anyone in? We’ve got a great side with that Aaron Ramsden and Gethin Bazzard holding things together. I spend my whole life picking up the phone, talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out, what would you do, what would you do? I can pick the phone up at any time of day and speak to Arsene Wenger.

“And you can tell that Tactical Brambler… I’ve kept really quiet, but I’ll tell you something, he went down in my estimation when he did that – we have not resorted to that. But I’ll tell ya – you can tell him now if you’re watching it – we’re still fighting for this title, and he’s got to go to keep Dzeko scoring, and… and I tell you honestly, I will love it if we beat them, love it!”

The list of available players for tomorrow’s Kenna transfer window has been published in The Rub.

Managers attending the window will be surprised to see some big names released this week. In particular, the Piedmonte manger, another pushing for his first Kenna title, jettisoned Samir Nasri – who returns from injury in a couple of weeks.

Defending Kenna champions Sporting Lesbian waved toodle pip to Stephen Jovetic.

The Young Boys of Vauxhall manager, looking to escape a relegation first, released six players, including Operation Yewtree’s Rolf Harris.

*Disclaimer: football may have seen a press conference like this before

Manager to Skype in from Alpine hideout

Road to perdition: The St Reatham FC manager has been wanted by police since Natalie Sawyer’s bloodied corpse was found on Chobham Common in April (photo courtesy of GanMed 64)

SUSPECTED murderer the St Reatham FC manager has admitted he will not be able to attend Friday’s Kenna transfer window in person for fear of being apprehended by authorities.

Speaking from his hideout in Switzerland, the manager said he would have to bid over Skype in the Kenna transfer auction while the heinous crime committed in south east England last year remains unsolved.

Surrey Police have wanted to question the current St Reatham manager since last April when the battered corpse of Sky Sports News presenter Natalie Sawyer was found by a dog walker on Chobham Common.

Then in charge of Kenna club Woking, the manager was the last person seen with Ms Sawyer after a taking a punditry screen test for Sky Sports News.

A huge fan of Brentford Football Club, it is thought Sawyer was lured by the Surrey man into his car with the promise of showing her some Bees memorabilia.

Many thought the pressure of poor performances in the league, which saw the Woking manager take the Bramble jersey at the transfer window this time last year, had led to him savagely beating the sports anchor to death.

Their manager on the run, Woking finished bottom of the table in May.

Police later retrieved a tire iron and a Phil Collins CD – both smeared with the manager’s DNA and forensically linked to the crime scene – hidden behind some old training cones at the Woking practice ground.

The St Reatham FC manager said yesterday: “Due to my enforced stay in the non-EU safe haven of Switzerland, I have been unable to send a postcard [with players to be released].

“Until I can prove my innocence I’m confined to Basel. Therefore I will need to Skype in.”

Kenna managers had until today to submit their unwanted players to the league – by post for a transfer bonus of £10m or by any other communication for £5m.

Gathered in The Enterprise in Holborn on Friday evening, managers will fill the gaps in their teams at auction.

FCT go top ahead of transfer window

Hugo Drax — Moonraking them dry: Once again the FC Testiculadew manager had been caught red handed watching unauthorised films using club equipment (photo courtesy of lucy_sarson)

PANTOMIME villain the FC Testiculadew manager is wringing his hands in sinister fashion after leading his side to the top of the Kenna League.

Goals from Edin Dzeko, Christian Benteke, Jonjo Shelvey and Kevin Mirallas saw FC Testiculadew cruise past a dismal performance from Hairy Fadjeetas.

The FCT manager is hunting for his second league title in just three years of competing in the Kenna.

Despite winning the league on debut by a record 129 points in the 2011/12 season, the manager is most well known for inventing the pernicious act of tactical Brambling – an underhand ploy to subvert the league’s forfeit procedure, the Titus Bramble ruling.

In the 2012 Emmanuel Olisadebe Euros auction, the FCT manager calculated that by deliberately springing the Titus Bramble ruling late in the auction under previous Kenna laws, he could free up funds and gain a financial advantage.

Kenna HQ has since brought in heavier penalties to discourage against tactical Brambling.

New regulations have not stopped the Olisdebe auction becoming known as the graveyard of the Kenna’s spirit.

The FCT manager has continued to be marked by his ruthlessness towards the Kenna and his unscrupulousness interpreting league regulations.

Speaking to media this morning outside the club’s Itchyballs Park training facility, the FCT manager said: “First there was the dream, now the reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens.”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rrPB2BER0c]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testiculadew	James N	77	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	59	4
3	Newington Reds	Dudley	58	1
4	Piedmonte	Phil	57	3
5	KS West Green	Stix	53	3
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	49	3
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	47	2
8	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	46	1
9	Bala Rinas	Lewis	45	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	3
11	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	44	2
12	Team Panda Rules OK	George	43	2
13	Just put Carles	Carles	41	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	39	4
15	St. Reatham FC	Mike	38	1
16	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	36	1
17	Young Boys	Denney	36	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	32	2
19	Headless Chickens	John N	31	1
20	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	29	0
21	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	26	0
22	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	23	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	21	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Sturridge, D – LIV – STR
		Club	Pikey Scum

Like Rat from a sinking rat

Life in the gutter: Razvan Rat looks likely to be released from the Kenna League ahead of this Friday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of gynti_46)

RAZVAN Rat is one of eleven players likely to be jettisoned by his club tomorrow as Kenna League managers prepare for this Friday’s transfer window.

The Romanian defender was signed by Dynamo Charlton in August for £3m, but will surely be given the heave ho having been told to scurry away from the Premier League last week.

Another disappointed rat will be the Dulwich Red Sox manager, who sees his £24m striker Dimitar Berbatov slouch off to the French Riviera.

The Still Don’t Know Yet manager was also given plenty more to complain about as the £20m pair of Yohan Cabaye and Danny Graham went their separate ways.

Floundering at 16th in the Kenna table, the under-pressure manager is the subject of an investigation from the league’s manager experiences department after being caught up in a vicious Twitter rant at the chairman.

@jeffkennaleague pic.twitter.com/vtsViE1jOs

— Peter Ball (@peterball01) January 31, 2014

Samurai’s Danny Osvaldo is set to leave Newington Reds for Italy, Philipe Senderos will depart from Pikey Scum for Spain and the decision to ‘release Bryan’ is an expensive one for KS West Green.

Meanwhile, four managers find themselves Titus Bramble tied – they now have two players from the same Premier League club and must release one tomorrow.

FC Testiculadew will surely keep Juan Mata over Rafael, but three other managers find some pretty tough choices to make.

As well as a rat, or lack of a rat, problem, the Dynamo manager has the humdinger of picking between striker Peter Odemwingie and defender Erik Pieters, now both plying their trade in the potteries.

Anders Brievik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager must choose between goalkeeper Allan McGregor or striker Nikica Jelavic. McGregor’s red card makes it likely the Croat will stay.

Bottom-of-the-table PSV Mornington, now being managed by a cardboard cut out of Pep Guardiola since the former boss was sacked just before Christmas, will probably keep regular starter Leroy ‘The Bouncer’ Fer over a crocked Jonas Gutierrez.

Cheerio

Dimitar Berbatov (£24m) – Dulwich Red Sox

Yohan Cabaye (£11), Danny Graham (£9m) – Still Don’t Know Yet

Bryan Ruiz (£14m) – KS West Green

Razvan Rat (£3m) – Dynamo Charlton

Philipe Senderos (£2m) – Pikey Scum

Danny Osvaldo (£1.5m) – Newington Green

Bramble tied

FC Testiculadew – Juan Mata or Rafael

PSV Mornington – Jonas Gutierrez or Leroy Fer

Dynamo Charlton – Peter Odemwingie or Erik Pieters

Judean Peoples’ Front – Allan McGregor or Nikica Jelavic

In the showroom this Friday

Swiss Toni — Built like an Alp and ridged like a Toblerone: What forecourt sales patter will charm Kenna managers ahead of this Friday’s transfer window?

‘There’s never been a better time to change your car.’

A lifetime ago when the Kenna chairman prowled the forecourt of a provincial dealership of premium German cars, this was the mantra of the managing director.

He said the phrase so often one likely mechanic went as far as to suggest the MD uttered it to his wife ‘before slipping her one’.

There was much sniggering and raised eyebrows, but after a while the penny dropped. As an opening pitch it was cast iron. It could woo any customer.

Those just browsing were suddenly reminded their current car was losing value every day. Those seriously looking were gently spurred towards the dotted line. Those salivating over the garish demonstrator with all the knobs and buttons whole-heartedly agreed.

But there was an overriding reason this phrase worked so well: everyone turns up to a premium German car dealership in a car.

It seems obvious, but whether it’s another prestige motor, a mass market Volkswagen or a clapped out Ford Scorpio, everyone visiting a premium German car showroom has one thing in common: they’re thinking of an upgrade.

And many are dreamers. If they were shopping for a drive within their means and with hard science, they would be in a Kia garage.

And that’s why shiny foreign cars and are like shiny foreign footballers.

When it comes to those big-money signings, clubs are always looking for an upgrade. They want to say to their fans and to their rivals ‘look at us, we mean business, we’re up there with the best’.

Just like some pinstripe at the top of his game would rather turn up to that important meeting in a BMW 7-series rather than a Kia Ceed.

The Kenna League transfer window takes place this Friday night. Managers will gather in The Enterprise on Red Lion Street looking to inject some fresh football talent into their teams.

Over the last month a selection of shiny foreign imports have filtered into England’s top flight.

Who will Kenna managers go after? Who will fetch the most money at auction?

Of course, there’s no sure way of telling how successful a silky continental striker will be in the Kenna. Take Dani Osvaldo – a failure sure to be released by Newington Reds by Wednesday’s Kenna deadline.

So when it comes to the auction – three pints of strong lager on an empty stomach, the pressure of getting results by May – Kenna managers aren’t going for the Kia Ceed. They don’t care about fuel consumption or seven-year guarantees. They want a Beamer with all the trimmings, with ‘skin, wind and bark’.

Like a car showroom full of eager sales executives, the media is full of managers, new team mates and former teammates expounding the virtues of their latest delivery.

Now is the time that Kenna managers must choose between the flattery and the pad, because that hour of shooting from the hip in the pub on Friday night will define the rest of their season.

There’s never been a better time to change your car.

Strikers

Konstantinos Mitroglu (Fulham): “Eric Cantona was a great, great player – one of the best, but Konstantinos is very strong. I remember watching Cantona on television and he was holding the ball up – that’s the type of player Konstantinos is.” Roy Carroll, former teammate at Olympiakos.

Marco Boriello (West Ham) – “It’s not too difficult to say what we want from Marco – that’s goals and Italian flair.” Sam Allardyce.

Luke De Jong (Newcastle) – ‘He’s a great character and a proven goalscorer who I know is very keen to replicate the prolific form he showed for FC Twente in the Eredivisie.’ Joe Kinnear.

Midfielders

Aiden McGeady (Everton) – “The first time I saw Aiden was in 2007 in an Old Firm game against Rangers. He was special. He was a match winner, playing with his socks down. I love a player who is as good in one-versus-one situations as Aiden.” Roberto Martinez.

Anotnio Nocerino (West Ham) – “Antonio is a link between defence and forward play that makes us more creative in possession and more resilient when we’re out of it.” Sam Allardyce.

Mohamed Salah (Chelsea) – “He reminds me of Robben, the way he plays going from the right wing but going inside left-footed. I hope he is going to be important for us.” Jose Mourinho.

Nemanja Matic (Chelsea) – “Nemanja’s a spider, stealing balls and the way he runs and moves.” Branislav Ivanovic.

Magnus Wolff Eikram (Cardiff) – “He’s a playmaker, a quarterback if you will, someone who likes to get on the ball and can see a pass.” Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.

Kim Kallstrom (Arsenal) – “We identified he would be injured for four to six weeks, so they will pay him for the first six weeks of his wages. There’s a possibility he will not play, but also a possibility he will score a vital winning goal.” Arsene Wenger.

Defenders

Kurt Zouma (Chelsea) – “He’s a player with big potential, physically ready. One thing is to be physically ready, another thing is to be tactically ready. Well done Chelsea.” Jose Mourinho.

Marcos Alonso (Sunderland) – “I watch a lot of Spanish football and I saw him play for Real Madrid. When he joined Bolton, it surprised me.” Gus Poyet.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_E0ZF2uIKs]

Red Arrows snub the Kenna

Red Arrows colours — ‘Aerobatic joyriders’: The chairman was heavily critical of the Red Arrows today when they turned down a Kenna flypast request (photo courtesy of Crustyfur)

THE Kenna League chairman launched an astonishing attack on the Red Arrows today after they turned down a flypast request for this summer’s 10th anniversary auction.

The Kenna announced on Tuesday the Royal Air Force Aerobatic Team would be part of the league’s landmark celebrations on Saturday 9 August this year, when they would perform a flypast over the City of London pub where the auction is to be held.

The chairman was forced into an embarrassing u-turn today when a leaked email from the Ministry of Defence revealed 25 blokes on an all-dayer did not meet the strict event criteria demanded for Red Arrows flypasts.

“Red Arrows? Don’t talk to me about the Red f***ing Arrows!” roared the chairman at a press conference called to discuss next Wednesday’s Kenna transfer window deadline.

“Football and pubs. That’s what British society is and that’s exactly what the Kenna stands for: football and pubs. Those aerobatic joyriders wouldn’t know a cornerstone of the British institution if it pinched one off in their cockpit.

“They say flypasts over London by military aircraft are restricted to Royal, state or exceptionally high-profile events. What do those showboaters think the Kenna is? We’ve got nearly 200 followers on Twitter.”

With flypast plans scrapped, the chairman admitted the league was thin on the ground for ideas of how best to mark the 10th anniversary of London’s leading pub-based fantasy football league.

“If Sepp Blatter turns down his invite, it’s squeaky bum time,” he said.