fantasy football – Page 57 – The Jeff Kenna League

Chairman: The Kenna wants Januzaj

THE CHAIRMAN has revealed that the Kenna is one of several leagues keen to sign up Adnan Januzaj.

The Belgium-born, 18-year-old marked his full debut on Saturday with a match-winning brace and is already being touted as a possible candidate for the PFA Young Player of the Year.

But Januzaj, who is of Kosovan descent, is eligible to play for a number of different leagues already: Belgium, Albania and Turkey among them.

Speaking outside Kenna HQ, the chairman said: “Obviously the Kenna is made up of 23 of the finest managerial footballing brains in Europe, so clearly this boy Janachuck or whoever has been on our radar for some time.

“I can confirm that the only reason he hasn’t been signed by one of our managers is because of confusion over his eligibility and nothing at all to do with them not knowing anything about him. That suggestion really is laughable. I’m sure I speak on behalf of everyone in the Kenna when I say ‘Adam Janachuck, remember the name’.”

Asked if the Kenna had ever been in touch over Januzaj, the youngster’s parents replied: “A few seasons ago, the Young Boys manager offered to show him some puppies in a disused farm building, but we’ve heard nothing more from the Kenna until now.”

It’s understood that Kenna blazers are now hastily drawing up dossiers to discredit the “dubious claims of Belgium, Albania and Turkey.”

League table

Kenna table wk 7 - 8 October 2013 — Kenna table wk 7 – 8 October 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	34	2
2	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	31	1
3	Bala Rinas	Lewis	29	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	28	1
5	Piedmonte	Phil	28	1
6	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	24	2
7	Headless Chickens	John N	24	1
8	Newington Reds	Dudley	23	2
9	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	22	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	21	1
11	Just put Carles	Carles	21	0
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	20	1
13	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	20	1
14	Young Boys	Denney	19	0
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	0
16	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	17	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	15	1
18	PSV Mornington	El Pons	15	0
19	FC Testiculadew	James N	14	0
20	Team Panda Rules OK	George	14	0
21	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	13	0
22	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	12	1
23	St. Reatham FC	Mike	12	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Remy, L – NEW – STR
		Club	Newington Reds

Kenna bosses hit back after ‘nancy’ jibe

Hercule Poirot — Whodunnit: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager claims mystery injuries kept him from the transfer window. Kenna HQ has denied any wrongdoing (photo courtesy of Vicki12692)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

PROTESTS have flooded into the homely surrounds of Kenna HQ following calls for a cull of managers.

The deluge comes after it had been suggested in some quarters that team bosses are more interested in lifting shirts than silverware. Saturday saw the poorest turnout at a Kenna transfer window in years.

Leading the outcry is a battered and bruised Still Don’t Know Yet manager.

Speaking through an electrolarynx he said: “It was a Friday night drinking injury that caused my Kenna non-attendance, not a lack of commitment. I’ve got a big fat lip and a face that has swollen out of all proportions.”

Saying that he “probably fell” and that the night was a “bit blank”, the SDKY chief, who has had well-publicised disagreements with Kenna hierarchy in the past, added: “The timing is a bit too convenient if you ask me. It looks like some kind of Kenna dirty tricks campaign to keep me from the title.”

SDKY currently occupy 17^th position in the league table, just four places above the relegation zone.

Kenna HQ indicated managers failing to attend the February transfer window could be subject to increased entry fees next season.

How many roads must a manager walk down

Gestapo interrogation — Serious questions: Managers’ commitment to the Kenna is under review after a poor turnout at yesterday’s transfer window (photo courtesy of josedios)

By the Hairy Fadjeetas manager

THE KENNA’S sexuality has been called into question as just eight managers turned out for the first transfer window of the season – a record low since the league expanded to double figures.

And in scenes reminiscent of the graveyard shift at BBC World only a handful of players changed hands in the first two hours of the event on the upper floor of a south London boozer.

Fans’ groups are now demanding root and branch reform at Kenna HQ starting with a cull of ‘otherwise engaged’ bosses.

The league quickly cranked its PR machine in to gear in an attempt to deflect the criticism, with the St Reatham FC boss fronting the backlash.

Skyping in from Woking he said: “We’re all 110 per cent fully committed to the Kenna, but Saturdays are difficult with so many distractions.

“I’m sorry but I’ve got to go now, my mum says dinner is ready and Strictly is on in half an hour.”

Kenna chiefs have yet to comment on the debacle but a source close to the league said: “This is yet another example of useless Kenna blazers losing the plot. Even the 50p game was so embarrassed it only made a brief appearance.”

Kenna window sparks Royal Mail meltdown

Groaning: The Kenna HQ doormat struggles under the weight of transfer requests

ROYAL Mail chiefs last night warned of further disruption to services after the Kenna transfer window was blamed for bringing the postal system to the brink of collapse.

Managers notifying the league of their unwanted players by mail ahead of tomorrow’s first transfer window caused an unprecedented surge in correspondence.

As of this morning, Kenna HQ has received 11 letters from managers eager to get their hands on the £10m transfer kitty bonus for getting their requests in by post before today’s deadline. The volume of mail is expected to double today.

The £10m bonus will be added to the remaining funds from managers’ £100m budget from the Kenna pre-season auction. Gathered in the pub tomorrow at 3pm, the managers will bid against each other over unsigned footballers at the transfer auction to fill the gaps in their teams.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Christian Eriksen and Samuel Eto’o are set to top transfer window shopping lists.

The league chairman said: “This is the top, top, top level of football in the world and managers are keen to give themselves the best advantage as they look to freshen up their teams heading into winter. There’s a long way to go to the second, and last, transfer window of the season in February.

“I can confirm that I received a telephone call from the Royal Mail chairman Donald Brydon CBE who begged me to change Kenna rules since additional strain was being put on their services. It seems the volume of under-performing footballers’ names being sent by post was interrupting deliveries of vital, lifesaving equipment.

“I said to him ‘Don, calm down, it’s not like anyone’s lost a kidney. Also, stop using the phone, it’s bad for your business’.

“The call ended well. We’re playing golf next week.”

Photos of managers posting their submissions have flooded social media sites. A prize will be awarded for the best offerings. Here’s a pick of the entries so far:

JPF manager mail room — Going postal: Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager misuses the cricket-loving company dwarf

Useless Kenna blazers — Seeing red: The Still Don’t Know Yet manager shakes his fist at ‘the ivory tower‘

London 2012 stamp — Instant forfeit: The Young Boys manager owes the Kenna committee a round of drinks at tomorrow’s transfer window for using official London 2012 branding

St Reatham post — PR opp: The St Reatham FC manager attempts to rebuild his public image after being plagued by unsavoury allegations earlier this year

The Queen — Queen of football clubs: Her Maj is pressed into service by league leader the Headless Chickens manager

Reading boozers — Pitcher and Piano: The Team Panda Rules OK manager advertises the poor choice of pubs in Berkshire’s county town

Cock drawing — Cock and balls: FC Testiculadew stationery adheres to strict brand guidelines

Fadges post — Knit: The Hairy Fadjeetas manager

Jimmy Savile — Ride of his life: The Judean Peoples’ Front manager felt it appropriate to include this photo with his transfer request

Man in the Window

Nani Michael Jackson — Don’t matter if you’re black or white. Or eight: Nani could face the door at Team Panda Rules OK for his statuesque performances (photo courtesy of thesparrowman)

THE MICHAEL Jackson statue removed from Craven Cottage last week is being lined up as a like-for-like replacement for Nani ahead of this Saturday’s first Kenna transfer window.

The Portuguese winger has failed to make an impact for Kenna newbies Team Panda Rules OK and the manager is taking no prisoners.

“That shabby tribute to the King of Pop has shown as much movement this season as, well, that shabby tribute to the King of Pop,” complained the Panda manager, as he prepared to table a bid for the statue to owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.

The Egyptian business magnate declined to comment.

This desperation is just the tip of the iceberg in the Kenna as managers prepare for the new format of transfer window on the weekend.

Having bought eleven players each at the pre-season auction, the window is one of only two chances in the campaign for managers to freshen up their teams. A second window is held in early February.

Club’s will release unwanted players by Friday before representatives congregate in the pub to fill their teams at auction.

Aaron Ramsey, Mesut Ozil, Ross Barkley and Morgan Amalfitano are among the unsigned players whose form will see them top manager’s shopping lists.

In the league, Headless Chickens maintained their lead at the top of the table this week with more goals from Yaya Toure and Gylfi Sigurdsson.

Luis Suarez’s two-goal return has lifted This is Sparta…Prague off the bottom of the table.

Rough guide to the transfer window

Notify the league of the players you want to release by Friday to get a bonus.
You will get a £10m bonus for submitting your released players by post to Kenna HQ, or £5m for doing so by any other means of communication.
You start the transfer night with the money you have left from your initial £100m, plus any bonus from getting your transfers in on time.
To begin with, auction lots will be drawn at random from the pot of released players.
Whatever your released player fetches at auction will be added to your funds.
The Titus Bramble ruling applies. Any manager without funds to fill their team spending the minimum of £0.5m on each player will have their most expensive player removed.
If no one buys your released player you can either keep them or let them go on a free. However, if someone buys that player later in the window you will get whatever is paid for them.
Once all the released players have gone to auction, a set number of available players will be auctioned in order of most points scored.
Once the set list is exhausted, managers with gaps in their teams to fill will take it in turns to introduce remaining players to auction.
Each manager has one wildcard that can be played at any time during the transfer window.
The wildcard allows you to release any player in your team at a moment’s notice.
You will not receive a bonus if you do not release any players.

League table

Kenna table wk 6 - 1 October 2013 — Kenna table wk 6 – 1 October 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	35	2
2	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	2
3	FC Testiculadew	James N	31	1
4	Headless Chickens	John N	27	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	0
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	1
7	St. Reatham FC	Mike	24	1
8	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	23	2
9	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	19	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	19	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	18	0
12	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	17	0
13	Team Panda Rules OK	George	17	0
14	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
15	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	14	1
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
17	KS West Green	Stix	13	1
18	Just put Carles	Carles	11	0
19	Dulwich Red Sox	Luke	11	0
20	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	9	0
21	Young Boys	Denney	8	0
22	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	7	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	3	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lukaku, R – EVE – STR
		Club	Bala Rinas

KS West Green 2013/14

Stix — New club, new training facility: The KS West Green manager

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and chairman)

Last season: 18th (relegated)

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, Canesten Combi Cup winner 2006, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Dr Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Let Me Be Your Fantasy – Baby D

Outlook (on 27 September 2013): As both Kenna chairman and competitor, the former Vasco De Beauvoir manager faces an increasingly inescapable conundrum. At the reins of Kenna HQ, the chairman has seen the league swell in popularity and elan with a record 20 managers last season enjoying unprecedented attendance at transfer windows. In charge of Vasco De Beauvoir, the manager has overseen the club’s steady decline since the treble-winning year of 2010, resulting in a slump to relegation for the first time. Indifferent to the Kenna’s overall success, the powers that be at Vasco had enough. Despite bringing them more glory than any other team in the league’s history the manager was handed his P45 in May.

Taking the number 67 bus from De Beauvoir deeper into north London, the chairman has found new employ at Klub Sportowy in West Green, where the streets are literally paved with empty Polish beer cans. The Worcestershire man may be from the pear county, but five weeks into the season his tenure is failing to bear much fruit. Ashley Williams, Nathaniel Clyne and £40m Sergio Aguero may be justifying their expense, but the manager is beset by injury and loss of form.

The Ox made an impressive first 45 minutes to the season, but hasn’t played since. ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz pulled up right in front of the manager’s nose at Craven Cottage two weeks ago. Andre Schurrle, who averages a goal every three games for club and country, is struggling to make an impact and looks like he will soon share a similar fate to Graham Dorrans and Wes Hoolahan – and lose his place in the starting line up. Mark Hudson captained his side last season but now can’t get a place in the team. Jordi Spence is on loan in the lower divisions. Anders Lindegaard is getting as much time in goal at Old Trafford as Anders Breivik.

So while KS West Green may not be in line for any traditional Kenna silverware, they’re surely an early favourite in the Little Maddy award for least appearances stakes.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f17b8m5fniU&w=420&h=315]

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Speroni, J	CRY	£0.5m
Davies, C	HUL	£0.5m
Clyne, N	SOT	£7m
Williams, A	SWA	£9m
Bardesley, P	SUN	£5m
Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m
Schurrle, A	CHE	£14m
Whittingham, P	CAR	£2m
Ox-Chamberlain, A	ARS	£0.5m
Aguero, S	MCY	£39m
De Jong, L	NEW	£5m
		£83m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £13.5m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £8.5m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Value
GK	Lindegaard, A	MUN	Free	GK	Speroni, J	C RY	£0.5m
DEF	Spence, J (TB)	WHU	Free	DEF	Davies, C	HUL	£0.5m
DEF	Hudson, M	CAR	Free	DEF	Whittaker, S	NOR	£5.0m
MID	Dorrans, G	WBA	Free	MID	Barry, G	EVE	£0.5m
MID	Hoolahan, W	NOR	Free	MID	Whittingham, P	CAR	£2m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Starting budget: £15m, remaining budget: £5m, net loss: £10m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	POS	Player	Team	Value
DEF	Whittaker, S	NOR	Free	DEF	Bardsley, P	SUN	£5m
STR	Ruiz, B	FUL	Free	STR	De Jong, L	NEW	£5m

Vatican declares war on the Kenna

Pope Francis — ‘You’ve won a caravan’: The Kenna transfer window is under threat from a dark and powerful organisation

CHRISTIANITY touches, rightly or wrongly, millions of people around the world.

It’s early orders left a lot to be desired, but as Europe entered the Middle Ages the church provided hope, education and the promise of a life much better than the poverty and injustice of secular existence.

As civilisation marched on organised religion became bloated, corrupt and outmoded. The Enlightenment revealed much of the accepted history taught by the church to be inaccurate.

For example, the Eighteenth Century scholar Edward Gibbon was made to finish his six volume history of Europe – The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire – in free-thinking Switzerland for daring to use primary sources to write about the calamity that was the early Christian church.

Two hundred years later the founding of the Jeff Kenna League rendered Christianity all but obsolete.

Still men of the cloth – and sometimes women too, but certainly not gay men, or at least openly gay ones – catered to congregations who needed assurance of the basic difference between right and wrong. That was fine while the more pressing affairs of Kenna HQ could, like a happy choirboy, carry on unmolested.

This week the ambiguous relationship between the Kenna and church is in danger of being, like an unhappy choirboy, irreversibly broken.

The chairman is marrying a Catholic, and that Catholic, despite largely enjoying the Kenna’s practical views of religion, wants to get married in a Roman Catholic Church. In Poland.

Turn up and say the vows? Sadly, with this mob – the word is used carefully, meeting the chief priest in the Polish interior was like a scene from The Sopranos – it’s not just a case of chatting about your family values over a pot of tea and getting the bride-to-be to wear a T-shirt to advertise a lack of mystery bruising.

The Roman Catholics Church requires you to attend a structured course of lessons over a number of weeks. And you don’t even get tea.

They also want you to sign a piece of paper declaring you will never stop your children from becoming Catholic.

The icing on the cake, not that you get any of that either, is the reluctance of the priest to impart when the lessons start. The chairman’s better half has been attending mass every week waiting for the Good News.

In the Bernard Samson Cold War spy novel series by Len Deighton, the lead character describes the operations of the KGB as ‘very slow and very cunning’. He could have been talking about the Catholic Church.

The Kenna transfer window was scheduled for next Friday. Friday evening to be precise, a time when the western world finishes work for the week and unwinds ahead of their weekend chores, but not religion.

In His almighty wisdom, channeled through the dog collar of his local henchman, He has hinted, but not confirmed, that this lesson may well take place next Friday.

The transfer window hangs in the balance. This would not have happened if instead of choosing Jim Bowen, the Vatican had considered a more progressive application.

League table

Kenna table wk 5 of 37 - 240913 — Kenna table week 5 of 37 – 24 September 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Headless Chickens	John N	49	4
2	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	35	1
3	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	33	0
4	St. Reatham FC	Mike	31	3
5	Piedmonte	Phil	30	2
6	Newington Reds	Dudley	29	2
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	29	1
8	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	1
9	KS West Green	Stix	25	2
10	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	0
11	FC Testiculadew	James N	22	0
12	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	21	0
13	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
14	Team Panda Rules OK	George	15	1
15	Lurliners	Luke	14	1
16	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0
17	Just put Carles	Carles	13	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	13	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	13	0
20	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
21	PSV Mornington	El Pons	7	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	7	0
23	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	4	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	16	Nasri, S – MCY – MID
		Club	Piedmonte

Spartak Mogadishu 2013/14

Manager: Abdi (Somalia)

Twitter name: @abdinw1

Since: 2010

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2012/13

Sympathies: Arsenal

Darts music: The Trumpet Hornpipe

Outlook (on 24 September 2013): Spartak Mogadishu stunned the whole league in May when they lifted their first piece of the silverware, the Canesten Combi Cup. Not writing anything down and drinking heavily, the manager traditionally approached auctions with the gay abandon of an Al-Shabab shopping spree, and his reputation of firebrand was galvanised when he became the first manager to resign in the middle of an auction at the Emmanuel Olisadebe 2012 Euros. Attending last month’s all-dayer for the first time outside of Ramadan appeared to temper the Somali, and he even hooked some worthwhile players.

At the unveiling of the new squad at the club’s Spyglass Hill training facility, the manager admitted he felt slightly hornswoggled at the purchase of Glenn Murray, who’s been on crutches since May and will continue to be for some time. In Robert van Wolfswinkel, Marco van Ginkel and Johnny Heitinga, the manager has three players to feature in the national side for Holland, a country known throughout history for its maritime tradition. Hernandez, Lallana, Kolarov and Jaaskelainen all started the season in strong form.

Despite this Spartak are not managing to gel and slipping down the table with each passing week. In the Kenna there’s a very fine line between success or failure; between a white, sandy Caribbean island, a crate of rum and Keira Knightly, or five minutes in the upstairs room of a tavern with a toothless crone.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3nM2Ul4rLU&w=420&h=315]

(B) denotes forfeit player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

Jaaskelainen, J	WHM	£12m
Chiriches, V	TOT	£2.5m
Kolarov, A	MCY	£10m
Gabbidon, D	CRY	£3.5m
Olsson, J	WBA	£1m
Lallana, A	SOT	£12m
Cleverley, T	MUN	£7m
Hernandez, P	SWA	£15m
Barkley, R	EVE	£8.5m
van Wolfswinkel, R	NOR	£13m
Jones, K	CAR	£0.5m
		£85m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £12.5m, remaining budget: £1.5m, net loss £11m

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Bramble, T	FAG	Free	DEF	Taylor, A	CAR	£0.5m
DEF	Heitinga, J	EVE	Free	DEF	Olsson, J	WBA	£1.0m
MID	Van Ginkel, M	CHE	Free	MID	Barkley, R	EVE	£8.5m
STR	Murray, G	CRY	Free	STR	Gayle, D	CHE	£0.5m
				STR	Kone, A (released on a free)	EVE	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
DEF	Taylor, A	CAR	Free	DEF	Chiriches, V	TOT	£2.5m
DEF	Shotton, R	STO	Free	DEF	Gabbidon, D	CRY	£3.5m
STR	Gayle, D	CRY	£0.5m	STR	Jones, K	CAR	£0.5m

Piedmonte 2013/14

England till he dies: The Piedmonte manager

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 4th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Great Escape – the England Band

Outlook (on 19 September): Commitments on the south coast meant the Piedmonte manager was unable to attend last month’s auction in person. Instead he joined proceedings by Skype over three hours into the bidding. Unenviable, considering this would be his ninth tilt at the Kenna hindered by an unhealthy preoccupation with signing English players. As such his trophy cabinet’s emptier than a pint of Carling is of flavour. He joins the Newington Reds manager on dismal figures of just two podium finishes in eight seasons.

Removed from the absurdity of The Roebuck’s upstairs bar, the Piedmonte manager appears to have overcome his prejudice, buying just five players who hail from the green and pleasant land, although how pleasant the changing rooms will be after a mid-match visit from Jason Puncheon is up for debate. The rest of the team is made up of a German, a Welshman, a Norwegian, a Frenchman, a Togolese and an Irishman. The manager must be asking himself if all these Johnny Foreigners be able to play in a rigid 4-4-2 system reliant on long ball? Or will they just be a bad, uncoordinated, out-of-tune joke?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjVd54E2e_U&w=420&h=315]

Krul, T	NEW	£9m
Jagielka, P	EVE	£17m
Davies, B	SWA	£7m
Jones, P	MUN	£17m
Hangeland, B	FUL	£10m
Gerrard, S	LIV	£10m
Noble, M	WHM	£7.5m
Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m
Puncheon, J	CRY	£3m
Long, S	HUL	£5m
Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m
		£92m

First transfer window – 5 October 2013

Starting budget: £8m, remaining budget: £7.5m, net loss: £0.5m

(Hyperlink denotes from which club player was bought)

Out				In
Pos	Player	Team	Sold	Pos	Player	Team	Paid
STR	Adebayor, E	TOT	Free	STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m

Second transfer window – 7 February 2014

Out				In
Position	Player	Team	Sold	Position	Player	Team	Paid
MID	Nasri, S	MCY	£2m	MID	Townsend, A	TOT	£1.5m
STR	Walters, J	STO	£0.5m	STR	Odemwingie, P	STO	£5m

Rambo bounces back

Rambo lunchbox — Box to box: Aaron ‘Rambo’ Ramsey, unsigned by Kenna managers, was player of the week (photo courtesy of Sveden)

THE CAMOUFLAGED Genoa youth coach may have been likened to a fictional Vietnam War veteran this week when he was caught in a bush spying on a Sampdoria training session, but he’s not the only Rambo making an assault on the football headlines.

It wasn’t so long ago that Aaron Ramsey goals were so infrequent that every time he scored it was mockingly linked to a high-profile death.

The Twitter Users Obvious Jokes Club has been left scrabbling around the obituary columns over the last month as the Welshman’s goal scoring touch transformed from occasional sniper rifle to Syrian chemical weapon.

So convincing is his resurrection, there’s even a bandwagon swelling with passengers who claim Ramsey is better than Jack Wilshere. The injury-prone Englishman, who is yet to score or make an assist, was bought for £23m by Judean Peoples’ Front.

Another player to come in from the cold of indifferent Kenna form is Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Icelandic midfielder scored twice on Saturday as his Headless Chickens teammates Michu, Craig Gardner and Gareth McAuley also struck to help their team to the top of the Kenna for the first time since entering the league.

Aaron Ramsey joins nearly-namesake Aron Gunarsson, Jose Fonte, Frazier Campbell, Steven Whittaker, Peter Whittingham and Nathan Redmond as over-performing players left unsigned by Kenna managers at last month’s auction.

Come October’s transfer window they will all be in high demand as managers look to the sparse talent available to improve their sides.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9IetxqXGm4&w=420&h=315]

Kenna table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Headless Chickens	John N	46	5
2	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	42	1
3	Team Panda Rules OK	George	34	1
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	34	0
5	Judean Peoples Front	Sholto	32	1
6	FC Testiculadew	James N	28	2
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	25	1
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	25	1
9	St. Reatham FC	Mike	23	1
10	Lurliners	Luke	23	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	19	0
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	19	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	18	1
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	18	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	16	0
17	Piedmonte	Phil	16	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	16	0
19	Young Boys	Denney	15	0
20	Rapids De Cullons CF	Jorge	13	0
21	KS West Green	Stix	11	0
22	This is Sparta…Prague	Rich	9	0
23	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Ramsey, A – ARS – MID
		Club	Unsigned