International form 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – ? 2008 John Jensen Euros – 5/8 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – *winner* 2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 14/14 2014 Emerson World Cup – 6/18 2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 9/18 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 6/16
Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)
International form 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – n/a 2008 John Jensen Euros – n/a 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – second 2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 11/14 2014 Emerson World Cup – 5/18 2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 18/18 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – n/a
Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)
International trophy cabinet: Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review)
International form 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup – 1/8 *winner* (under review) 2008 John Jensen Euros – 7/8 2010 Dr Khumalo World Cup – ? 2012 Emanuel Olisadebe Euros – 14/15 2014 Emerson World Cup – 15/18 2016 Jean Alain Boumsong Euros – 3/18 2018 Dimitri Kharine World Cup – 1/16 *winner*
TWO Kenna managers began their trophy collections on the weekend after a combined 21 seasons of trying.
Bala Rinas confirmed their league title having comfortably topped the table for 29 weeks, picking up the October, December, and March manager of the month awards on the way.
The Kenna treasurer’s big money auction signing Sir Marcus (£29m) was among the season’s top ten performers, and will be drinking for free in the pubs of Bala now local parents have a bit more money in their pockets.
Pikey Scum, the 2018 champions, put in a spirited performance but have been in no danger of catching Bala for weeks finishing second.
The Norris Bros make up the rest of the top four. With three relegations and a highest previous finish of ninth in eight seasons, Piss Poor excelled themselves to come third.
Coming into the season trophy-less since his league, cup, and Emerson World Cup treble in 2014, the tale of the fallen (Death) Star continues for the Dark Lord, who just lost out on the Covid Cup to Hairy Fadjeetas.
Fadges toiled in the league finishing in 14th, but the luck of the knockout cup draw saw them face the only two teams lower placed than them in the league – in the quarter finals (Lokomotiv Leeds, 16th) and semi finals (Craft Beer Wankers, 17th) – before a first proper test in the final.
The top six places in the league were occupied by managers ‘on the phones’, who dialled into the September auction remotely.
The rule of six managers in ‘the garden’ finished in 7th, 9th, 10th, 12th, 13th, and 15th, boasting one manager of the month award between them.
‘Midtable,’ tweeted Opta Joe.
Attentions now turn to next Saturday’s Euros Super League auction, or at least the attentions of five managers, who are the only ones to confirm attendance.
Covid Cup final result
Hairy Fadjeetas 50 – 46 The Dark Lord
Kenna week 34
Kenna League week 34 – 24 May 2021 – Final standings and MOTMs
Prize money
Bala Rinas – £180 (Champions: £150, MOTMx3: £30)
Hairy Fadjeetas – £75 (Cup winner)
Pikey Scum – £70 (Runner up: £50, MOTMx2: £20)
Piss Poor – £35 (Third: £25, MOTM: £10)
FC Testiculadew – £20 (Wenger Trophy: £10, MOTM: £10)
Excavation work is to begin at a cafe where police have been searching for the Bala Rinas’ double hopes.
The league treasurer‘s chance of winning the Kenna title and cup went missing last week and police have been searching the cellar of the the Dark Lord‘s premises.
Officers were called to FC Testicualdew on 7 May following suggestions a cup run may have been buried there.
There is enough evidence for excavation work to take place, police said.
Bala Rinas had hoped to win a maiden league and cup after 11 seasons in the Kenna League, but will have to settle for the title with an unassailable 98-point lead.
FC Testiculadew face long-time rivals Hairy Fadjeetas in this weekend’s Covid Cup final.
The pinstripes in Kenna HQ’s speculations department are massively favouring the Dark Lord, who despite not winning a trophy for seven years has two doubles to his name.
James Milner has been fined in Switzerland for breaking Covid restrictions with a Kenna League manager and nine sex workers.
Local police raided a party last night in the Basle flat of the Hairy Fadjeetas manager, who claims he was following rules by being in a private location with up to nine people, and the English midfielder turned up uninvited.
‘I’ve been single since the start of the pandemic, it’s been lonely, and Swiss Covid restrictions allow up to 10 people inside each other,’ said the Fadges boss.
Milner’s presence at the flat is thought to have been caused by the Kenna post-auction autofill, whereby any gaps in a manager’s starting eleven are automatically allocated the highest-valued unsold players.
The veteran English midfielder is frequently overlooked by Kenna managers at the start of the season because everyone thinks he’s past it.
With 43 points (13 starts, 13 sub appearances, two assists) Milner is currently outperforming a host of midfielders for whom Kenna managers paid multi-million pound sums at the September auction.
This inauspicious list includes Donny van de Beek, for whom the Fadges boss paid £16m (or 16 per cent of his total budget).
The Dutchman was released at the February transfer window having scored a paltry 22 points.
Hairy Fadjeetas are 15th in the table, but have a chance to win the manager’s first ever piece of silverware in 10 seasons with a Covid Cup semi final against Craft Beer Wankers, known to insiders as the Duke of Sussex Derby.
The first leg takes place this weekend.
The Fadges boss said: ‘Winning the Covid Cup would be an honour, but since I live in Switzerland the £75 prize money won’t even begin to cover the cost of this Covid fine. Or the hookers.’
Kenna League week 30
Kenna week 29 – 27 April 2021
Covid Cup semi final first leg fixtures this weekend
Bala Rinas v The Dark Lord Fadges v Craft Beer Wankers
Bramble Super League proposals withdrawn after huge global backlash.
THE football world exploded on Sunday evening when six clubs in the Kenna League announced they were forming a breakaway Bramble Super League.
The so-called ‘Bramble Six’ tried to create a midweek competition where tactical Brambling is acceptable, but unbridled global outrage forced them to shelve the plan.
Upon announcing the BS League, the Tactical Brambler told media ‘legacy managers’ were holding back football with their traditional views of fair play.
Known habitual ‘Bramblers’ at Kenna auctions are among the other breakaway managers. They include:
the Still Don’t Know Yet manager, who in August 2012 accused the chairman of being ‘overly pedantic with a spreadsheet‘ after losing James Collins on a Bramble three days after the auction had finished
The Fat Ladies manager, who turned up to the February 2015 transfer window needing 10 players and then Brambled on Jonathan Walters because he thought he was a midfielder not a striker.
Reaction to the BS League announcement was unequivocal.
UEFA president Aleksander Ceferin said: ‘Gentelmen [sic], you made a huge mistake. There is time to change your mind.’
FIFA president Gianni Infantino said: ‘There is a lot to throw away for maybe a short-term financial gain for some. Either you are in or you are out.’
Alan Shearer said: ‘This league is plain simple and wrong [because it doesn’t include Newcastle].’
The Kenna chairman claimed the Bramble Six plans were simply a red herring, devised by the Tactical Brambler to gain concessions and be made guest organiser of of the Euro 2021 auction.
‘You think these people care about the fans? You think they care what you, or the media says about them?’ read a statement from Kenna HQ.
‘They’ve all come out and apologised now, but they never wanted to create the BS League from the start. They want more power over the structures already in place, and they’re trying to flex their muscles to get it.’
THE world’s leading fantasy football league has joined those paying respects to Prince Philip, hailing him as ‘The Duke of Inappropriate Content’.
Like Graeme Hick’s Sydney test innings in 1995, the senior royal sadly passed away just short of a ton.
‘As a Worcestershireman I still can’t believe Atherton declared after Hick kept the match alive for so long,’ said the Kenna chairman at a press conference to five journalists in a beer garden at opening time on Monday.
‘We’d bowled them out 116 in their own backyard and taken commanding position in the test. Hick was just doing his job. It would have been his maiden Ashes century.
‘Why haven’t you bought Jaegerbomb chasers with that round?’
The Kenna will pay its respects to Prince Philip by firing 41 rounds into any manager caught tactical Brambling at the next auction.
DYNAMO Charlton have given up hope of winning a second consecutive Kenna League title after police found remains in a Kent woodland.
Police chief Desdemona Johnson said it will take time for formal identification and added this was “every Kenna manager’s worst nightmare.”
The Dynamo manager reported his championship defence as missing last week, but many claim it was gone the moment he signed Sebastian Haller at the pre-season auction in September last year.
Dynamo dropped to 10th place in the league this week, but there is a glimmer of silverware as they sit second in the Covid Cup group A with a game to play.
However, their final group-stage tie is against Bala Rinas who presently sit 200 points above Dynamo at the top of the Kenna League table.
KENNA League managers have all been assigned lookalikes after a gang turned up at Kenna HQ and assaulted the chairman with soggy marine life.
The incident happened following a press conference in which Sean Dyche – although it could have been Mick Hucknall – said any footballing body who does not fully embrace lookalikes should be ‘slapped with a wet fish’.
The Kenna chairman admitted while there were already pockets of managers identified as lookalikes, adopting this as policy across the league was long overdue.
‘We’ve long recognised the Judean Peoples’ Front manager as our very own Anders Breivik, and the vice chairman is regularly reminding everyone I look like Jamie O’Hara, but to date there has been no concerted effort to find lookalikes for every Kenna manager,’ said Jamie O….the chairman.
‘Now every manager, for better or for worse, has a lookalike on their team profile page.
‘We understand some managers may be unhappy with their lookalike choice, and there is a process to challenge it.’
Any manager who wishes to appeal to get their own or another manager’s lookalike changed must present a better alternative to Kenna HQ for consideration.
‘We’re looking forward to hearing the appeals,’ said the chairman.
