fantasy football – Page 64 – The Jeff Kenna League

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article — Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012 — Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	4
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	2
6	Woking	Mike	27	0
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	25	0
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	22	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lambert, R – SOT – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Kenna club guide – Midlands and West

Immediately identify Kenna players in Midlands and West clubs: Aston Villa, Stoke, Swansea and West Brom.

Aston Villa

Given, S	GK	Dynamo Charlton	£13m
Dunne, R	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£3.5m
Hutton, A	DEF	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Warnock, S	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2m
Holman, B	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
N’Zogbia, C	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
El Ahmadi, K	MID	Pikey Scum	£3m
Ireland, S	MID	Woking	£7m
Delph, F	MID	Northern Monkeys	£7.5m
Agbonlahor, G	STR	PSV Mornington	£7m
Bent, D	STR	Piedmonte	£16m

Stoke

Sorensen, T	GK	Woking	£4m
Wilson, M	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£2m
Huth, R	DEF	Pikey Scum	£5m
Shawcross, R	DEF	Spartak Mogadishu	£11m
Upson, M	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£2.5m
Delap, R	MID	PSV Mornington	£0.5m
Pennant, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£1m
Kightly, M	MID	Greendale Rockets	£5m
Etherington, M	MID	Newington Reds	£6m
Walters, J	STR	Lokomotiv Leeds	£7m
Crouch, P	STR	FC Testicluadew	£2m

Swansea

Taylor, N	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£0.5m
Rangel, A	DEF	Newington Reds	£3m
Williams, A	DEF	Hairy Fadjeetas	£3.5m
Michu	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£2.5m
Routledge, W	MID	Headless Chickens	£1m
Britton, L	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Sinclair, S	MID	FC Testicluadew	£11m
Dyer, N	MID	Piedmonte	£10m
Lita, L	STR	Vasco De Beauvoir	£20m
Graham, D	STR	Dynamo Charlton	£10m

West Brom

Foster, B	GK	Sporting Lesbian	£6.5m
McAuley, G	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£0.5m
Olsson, J	DEF	Just put Carles	£0.5m
Tamas, G	DEF	Woking	£5.5m
Morrison, J	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Brunt, C	MID	Pikey Scum	£4m
Mulumbu, Y	MID	Newington Reds	£1.5m
Lukaku, R	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Odemwingie, P	STR	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

East and South club guide

Kenna club guide – East and South

Immediately identify Kenna players in east and south Premier League clubs: Norwich, Reading and Southampton.

Norwich

Ruddy, J	GK	FC Testicluadew	£1.5m
Pilkington, A	MID	Headless Chickens	£3.5m
Snodgrass, R	MID	Dynamo Charlton	£6.5m
Hoolahan, W	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£2.5m
Holt, G	STR	Bala Rinas	£9m

Reading

Federici, A	GK	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Harte, I	DEF	Vasco De Beauvoir	£10m
Pearce, A	DEF	Northern Monkeys	£3m
McCleary, G	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	STR	Pikey Scum	£8.5m

Southampton

Gazzaniga, P	GK	PSV Mornington	£4.5m
Clyne, N	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£6m
Lallana, A	MID	Spartak Mogadishu	£14m
Sharp, B	STR	Woking	£1.5m
Lambert, R	STR	Piedmonte	£13m

London club guide

North west club guide

North east club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Kenna club guide – North east

Immediately identify Kenna players in north east Premier League clubs: Newcastle and Sunderland.

Newcastle

Krul, T	GK	Spartak Mogadishu	£21m
Ferguson, S	DEF	Still Don’t Know Yet	£1m
Santon, D	DEF	Sporting Lesbian	£4m
Williamson, M	DEF	Greendale Rockets	£4m
Taylor, S	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£5m
Simpson, D	DEF	FC Testicluadew	£6.5m
Coloccini, F	DEF	Piedmonte	£10m
Taylor, R	MID	Lokomotiv Leeds	£0.5m
Marveaux, S	MID	Bala Rinas	£2m
Gutierrez, J	MID	Vasco De Beauvoir	£5m
Tiote, C	MID	Judean Peoples’ Front	£0.5m
Ben Arfa, H	MID	Hairy Fadjeetas	£6.5m
Cabaye, Y	MID	Woking	£17m
Ba, D	STR	PSV Mornington	£17m
Cisse, P	STR	Northern Monkeys	£15m

Sunderland

Mignolet, S	GK	Hairy Fadjeetas	£5.5m
Brown, W	DEF	PSV Mornington	£3m
Bardsley, P	DEF	Headless Chickens	£2.5m
Cuellar, C	DEF	Dynamo Charlton	£4m
O’Shea, J	DEF	Wandsworth Window Lickers	£5.5m
Johnson, A	MID	Piedmonte	£4.5m
McClean, J	MID	Bala Rinas	£14m
Cattermole, L	MID	Still Don’t Know Yet	£2.5m
Sessegnon, S	MID	Sporting Lesbian	£13m
Larsson, S	MID	Woking	£9m
Campbell, F	STR	Spartak Mogadishu	£0.5m

London club guide

North west club guide

East and South club guide

Midlands and West club guide

Arfa Job: Luxury Man

Roman Triclinium scene — Inactivity: Gabriel Tamas, Micah Richards (centre) and Thomas Sorensen put Woking top of the luxury league

HAIRY FADJEETAS have hit out at BBC Radio Five Live after commentators branded Hatem Ben Arfa ‘a luxury man’.

The criticism came during the first half of last night’s match at Goodison Park as Ben Arfa continued to waste possession despite his team struggling in midfield at 1-0 down.

Comments made by summariser Danny Mills outraged the Hairy Fadjeetas midfielder’s manager.

“I’d like to see Five Live bring their ‘analysis’ to the bearpit that is the Kenna and then talk about luxuries,” he fumed from his Regency chaise longue in between mouthfuls After Eight mints dipped in asses’ milk fed to him by the woman who popped Marouane Chamakh’s cherry.

Luxury league

A ‘luxury player’ is considered to be someone whose individual talent can turn a game in his team’s favour, but who contributes little actual work to the side.

Identifying luxury players in general is largely a matter of opinion, but in the Kenna there’s a hard and fast rule.

Below, Kenna teams are ordered into a hierarchy of money spent on players who so far have contributed nothing to their side’s campaign.

Woking top the list, by virtue of having the most players on nil points, including that most profligate of signings – a luxury player in goal. Cynics might say that at one place off the bottom, the club also has a luxury manager.

Leroy Lita and the luxury player’s luxury player Tomas Rosicky have fin de siècle Vasco De Beauvoir a close second.

Considering his side’s dissolute approach, the Fadges boss would do well to heed to the BBC.

Northern Monkeys, Lokomotiv Leeds and Newington Reds are all huddled over their bowl of gruel and cancelling Christmas – all their players have scored points.

Woking (£21.5m) – Thomas Sorensen (£4m), Gabriel Tamas (£5.5m), Micah Richards (£12m)
Vasco De Beauvoir (£21.5m) – Tomas Rosicky (£1.5m), Leroy Lita (£20m)
Hairy Fadjeetas (£18.5m) – Steve Warnock (£2m), Marouane Chamakh (£16.5m)
Headless Chickens (£18m) – Phil Jones (£9.5m), Michael Dawson (£6m), Phil Bardsley (£2.5m)
Dynamo Charlton (£15m) – Luke Young (£4m), Matthew Upson (£2.5m), The Ox (£8.5m)
PSV Mornington (£12.5m) – Paolo Gazzaniga (£4.5m), Phillipe Senderos (£5m), Wes Brown (£3m)
Pikey Scum (£11m) – Bacary Sagna
Bala Rinas (£10m) – Stefan Savic
Wandsworth Window Lickers (£9.5m) – Jamie Carragher (£0.5m), Josh McEachran (£9m)
FC Testiculadew (£5.5m) – Karim Frei
Greendale Rockets (£3.5m) – Richard Dunne (£3.5m)
Still Don’t Know Yet (£2.5m) – Drusille Ngako (£1m), Shane Ferguson (£1m), Gary O’Neill (£0.5m)
Judean Peoples’ Front (£1.5m) – Alan Hutton (£0.5m), Sebastian Squillaci (£0.5m), Scott Parker (£0.5m)
Spartak Mogadishu (£1m) – Luka Modric
Sporting Lesbian (£0.5m) – Marko Marin
Piedmonte (£0.5m) – Rob Green
Just Put Carles (£0.5m) – Jordan Henderson

League table

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	46	2
2	Greendale Rockets	Stu	30	2
3	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	28	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	26	0
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	25	0
6	Woking	Mike	24	2
7	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	24	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
9	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	20	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	19	1
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	19	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	0
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	18	0
14	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	2
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	17	0
16	Piedmonte	Phil	16	0
17	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	16	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	13	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	2	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Gervinho – ARS – STR
		Club	Greendale Rockets

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Stix (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins

Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Al-Habsi, A	WIG	£2.5m
Harte, I	REA	£10m
Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Ferdinand, R	MUN	£6.5m
McAuley, G	WBA	£0.5m
Gutierrez, J	NEW	£5m
Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m
Ramires	CHE	£12m
Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Podolski, L	ARS	£40m
	Total	£119.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Kolorov, A	MCY	£19m	Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m	Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Hibbert, T	EVE	£5m	Kolarov, A	MCY	£19m
Pennant, J	STO	£1m	Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Rosicky, T	ARS	£1.5m	Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m
Borini, F	LIV	£19m	Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Lita, L (B)	SWA	£20m	Podolski, L	ARS	£40m

Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Huth, R	STO	£5m
Cahill, G	CHE	£7.5m
Boyce, E	WIG	£0.5m
Allen, J	LIV	£10m
Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Granero, E	APR	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£4m
Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m
Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m
	Total	£99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m	Allen, J	LIV	£10m
El Ahmadi, K	AVL	£3m	Granero, E	QPR	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	REA	£8.5m	Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
de Gea, D	MUN	£19m	Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Sagna, B	ARS	£11m	Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Bale, G	TOT	£30m	De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m
Downing, S	LIV	£8m	Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m	Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m

Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Johnson, G	LIV	£8m
Coloccini, F	NEW	£10m
Rafael	MUN	£2m
Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£16m
Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m
Lambert, R	SOT	£13m
	Total	£95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m	Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Dyer, N	SWA	£10m	Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£16m	Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Green, R	QPR	£0.5m	Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	WHM	£3m	Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m
van der Vaart, R	HAM	£17m	Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m