Outlook: Up there amongst the best all-time Brambles when the hapless Marouane Chamakh replaced £33m Carlos Tevez, but the Fadges boss recovered well to bring some solid purchases to the club’s Bikini Lane stadium. Paid through the nose for Eden Hazard, but on the evidence of the first game he looks an exciting prospect. Manager yet to prove himself in the domestic arena.
Outlook: Not even 221B could say why the Wandsworth boss introduced and bought Jamie Carragher at last week’s auction, but with the exception of that mystery and Josh McEachran’s announcement he’s going on loan to Boro, the opening week of the season is treating the manager well with goals from Nasri and Odemwingie and clean sheets from O’Shea and Szczesny.
James Collins was last seen being bundled into the back of a van at dawn
DEFENDER JAMES Collins is at the centre of a controversial appeal that has led to the Kenna administration being branded ‘out of touch’.
The incident arose when it emerged after the auction that the Still Don’t Know Yet manager had signed West Ham midfielder Gary O’Neil, and stood to lose Collins under the Titus Bramble ruling.
League regulations stipulated that Collins would be replaced by Newcastle’s Shane Ferguson, but the SDKY boss maintains that the Welshman, who switched to West Ham from Aston Villa two weeks ago, was still marked as a Villain on the official player list.
Already under pressure at the club for being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, the SDKY gaffer was so incensed at HQ’s decision that he sent a strongly-worded email in which he claimed the league had ‘gone too far’ and criticised the bureaucracy for ‘being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet’.
“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull,” said the manager in the leaked email (full copy below), before making a veiled threat to refer the matter to the Court of Arbitration for Sport.
The league’s response was swift and ruthless. The appeal was turned down flat, and in the early hours of the season’s first day Kenna HQ goons with cable ties and rubber truncheons swooped on the team’s hotel, to replace a petrified Collins with a simpering and dehydrated Ferguson.
“Our Manager Experiences department has dealt with an incident related to the Titus Bramble ruling. I’m given to understand the matter was resolved amicably, and we wish the manager involved all the best for the new season,” confirmed a league spokesperson, sweeping the matter under the carpet.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager’s leaked email to Kenna HQ
“Sadly I didn’t have time to reply last night, because, like a real man, I was out playing football and not sat at home being overly pedantic with a spreadsheet.
“I went off the “official” list as you described it on Facebook. The “official” list. If we start ignoring the (and yes, I’m going to use quotation marks for a third time) “official” list, where do we end up?
“Anarchy that’s where. In a nation where people are willing to burn down city centres so they can thieve a slightly bigger TV. You’re playing with fire.
“I can see how jealously can affect your decision making when your strike force is led by a Congolese Middlesbrough reject [Leroy Lita] while my £58m front line contains a daring mixture of mental instability and injury susceptibility, but I think you’ve gone too far.
“The league table won’t lie at the end of the season, in-spite of the dirty tricks you out of touch blazers at Kenna HQ try and pull.”
Outlook: After a warm-up 12th in the Olisadebe in the summer, this was a chance to stamp some authority on the domestic game but the SDKY manager already finds himself under considerable pressure. Not content with being the first manager in eight years to lose a goalkeeper on a Bramble, and hence have the services of missing reserve player from the Cameroon Olympic women’s team Drusille Ngako between the sticks, the SDKY boss unsuccessfully appealed against a controversial decision to remove defender James Collins from his side.
Outlook: Shrewd auction business from the debutant, but questions remain over Edin Dzeko’s ability to hold down a starting place and whether Papiss Cisse’s can carry over the incredible form he displayed last season. Will the outcome of an FA investigation affect appearance points in defence?
Outlook: There were always concerns that the Mog manager’s haphazard approach to auction tactics would overshadow his campaign and, one or two players aside, they appear well founded. Midfield linchpin Luka Modric left for Spain hours after the Pirates signed him, leaving a dressing room bubbling with poor temperament, untested talent and indifferent previous.
Outlook: Fans of the club were resigned to the manager’s lack of silverware at this level, but after some competent signings at auction expectation is growing in N5. Light in midfield, but with the potential for goals from defence and up front, could this finally be their year?
Outlook: Picked up the auction’s bargain Sergio Aguero for £12m, although devastating capabilities of the front two may be curtailed by casual racism. Very creative in midfield, but yet to be seen if Charles N’Somnia wakes up this term. No Brambles.
Chairman’s largesse in action: “Digestif? Take the pack.”
WITH SO many thrills, spills, tears and emotions it’s hard to believe that London 2012 was just the warm act, but tonight it’s finally time for the main event.
Tweeted live from 7pm, the Kenna auction will see around 20 managers gathered around a table bidding to buy their eleven Premier League players for this season’s campaign.
In an act typifying his boundless munificence, the Chairman has issued some top tips for managers to get the most of their experience.
“In order for everyone to buy their teams, we’ll have to clear at least one player a minute. If managers follow some simple pointers, we should have no trouble,” said the Chairman, forgetting that the FC Testiculadew manager has confirmed his attendance.
The Chairman’s top tips
Get there early – proceedings will start at 6.30pm, with the auction starting at 7pm regardless of how many managers are present.
Bring £20 – to give to the treasurer for your entry fee.
Bring a player list and pen – there’s a stationery shortage at Kenna HQ. An inquiry has been launched.
Write down who you buy – seems obvious, but some managers have fallen foul of the Titus Bramble ruling for not doing so in the past.
Plan your picks – if I catch you scratching your head looking stumped, I’ll pick them for you. We don’t have time.
Don’t take it too seriously – it’s a competitive arena, but if you throw your toys out the pram the Treasurer will refund your entry fee and we’ll bid you an upbeat farewell.
A Bramble is for life (or at least until October’s transfer window) – a Titus Bramble player cannot be lost on a Bramble, no matter how much they cost.
Pre-emptive West Cornwall Pasty Co – there’ll be a pub buffet at 8pm, but we’ve all been left with no more than a cocktail sausage and some leftover satay in the past.
A few other items of note:
Anyone arriving in Team GB merchandise will immediately be considered to have bought Ryan Giggs for £10m.
Anyone arriving in London 2012 merchandise will have to buy the committee a round.
Anyone arriving in Olympic accreditation, a Games Maker uniform or a Locog BMW will have to buy the league a round.
Drusille? Drusille?: Missing Cameroon keeper makes Bramble squad
THE CAMEROON Olympic women’s footballer missing from the athlete’s village has been named in the Titus Bramble squad.
Drusille Ngako is suspected to have absconded along with six other Cameroonian athletes to stay in the UK illegally.
However, if a manager falls foul of the Titus Bramble ruling at Wednesday night’s auction, the 25-year-old goalkeeper could find herself turning out in the Kenna.
“Surely for Drusille a chance to play in the Kenna would be a more alluring prospect than making fake designer clothes in a Birmingham sweatshop for 12 hours a day. Although, in the eight years the league’s been running no one’s ever been awarded a goalkeeper under the Titus Bramble ruling, so managers will have no cause for concern at her inclusion, unless they’re a complete muppet,” said the Chairman, overlooking the accepted calibre of Kenna manager.
“As only one player can be signed from each club, Titus Bramble players like Stefan Savic, Josh McEachran and Bebe will be a thorn in the side of managers,” chortled the Chairman, keeping his fingers crossed.
Titus Bramble squad
Goalkeeper
Drusille Ngako (free agent)
Defenders
Titus Bramble (Sunderland)
Stefan Savic (Man City)
Joe Flanagan (Liverpool)
Shane Ferguson (Toon)
Gabriel Tamas (West Brom)
Midfielders
Josh McEachran (Chelsea)
Fabian Delph (Aston Villa)
Joey Barton (QPR)
Gary O’Neil (West Ham)
Steve De Ridder (Southampton)
