fantasy football – Page 8 – The Jeff Kenna League

The five worst Kenna auction signings

IF you were given £100m to buy eleven players at a fantasy football auction who should you buy?

For Kenna League managers, of course, who you should buy isn’t the question.

The question is who you shouldn’t buy.

Even with hindsight, here are five players Kenna managers bought at last month’s auction they really shouldn’t have.

Antonio Rudiger (£7m, 0 points) – Craft Beer Wankers

A German international with 80 league appearances in the last three years, Toni Rudiger fetched well over £10m at previous auctions.

The Craft Beer Wankers manager must have thought the centre back was a snip at £7m, only to find Rudiger ‘tried everything’ to Chimbonda his way out of West London after the arrival of Thiago Silva. Three weeks before the auction.

Robert Firmino (£30m, 15 points) – The Chairman’s XI

It’s the worst kept secret in fantasy football: Bobby F is the foil for Sadio Mane and Mo Salah to rack up big points.

No one doubts the talent of the Brazilian or his dentist, but Firmino remains the falsest nine in the league who in five weeks has repaid his £30m price tag with just two assists and a yellow card. The chairman should’ve known better.

Jan Vertonghen (£2m, 0 points) – Thieving Magpies

A Kenna staple for years, the unflappable Belgian attracted an average price tag of £10.5m in the previous six auctions.

The Thieving Magpies manager must have been rubbing his sticky wings together with glee when he signed Vertonghen for just £2m, until he realised 28 days earlier the defender had left for Benfica.

Gabriel Martinelli (£0.5m, 0 points) – Walthamstow Reds

It would be supercilious to include a ‘point five’ in this list, but Martinelli earns his place for his part in one of the most intriguing Titus Bramble forfeits of recent memory.

The Walthamstow Reds manager already had Willian, who in turn had already scored in the opening game of the season. For reasons known only to himself, the Reds manager then illegally bought a second Arsenal player. He explained afterwards he thought he was buying the goalkeeper Emiliano Martinez, who would have also triggered the Titus Bramble ruling.

As a result, Willian was forfeit as the Reds’ most expensive Arsenal player and replaced with forfeit Bill Cosby. Martinelli is yet to score a point as he recovers from a knee injury he picked up two months before the auction.

Reds are 16th in the league.

Dele Alli (£11m, 3 points) – Barry Town

The end of Alli as the most promising midfield talent in England roughly coincided with the emergence of a Whatsapp video showing Alli’s end coinciding with some promising rough.

The arrival of Jose Mourinho and a host of new midfielders (on the Spurs payroll, not stage left in the Whatsapp video) has seen Alli’s star wane further with just one start and one sub appearance so far this season for Barry Town. Still, his stylist is being kept busy.

Kenna League week 5

Full scores available from The Rub

Dyathinkhesaurus?

MESUT Ozil has been disciplined by his club for secretly sending a second to take his place in training sessions.

The German playmaker was found to have paid the club mascot to pretend he was Ozil in a dinosaur suit and attend training on Tuesday and Wednesday this week.

A source at Ozil’s Kenna League club Judean Peoples’ Front says it took two days to uncover to the switch because a middle-aged man in an oversized comedy dinosaur suit shuffling around the training ground so resembled the Ozil the coaching staff have come to know.

‘To be honest we were surprised because he appeared to be putting in some effort for once. We thought he was trying to play his way back into the starting eleven,’ said the source.

‘Mesut Ozil has been suspended pending an internal investigation. It would be inappropriate to comment further while the investigation is underway,’ read a statement from club blazers.

It is thought the club investigation will centre on a tweet by Ozil offering to pay the mascot’s wages.

Judean Peoples’ Front have made a slow start to the season, which stems from the manager’s failure to attend the 12 September auction and have his team hatecrimed by autofill.

Asked about his ambitions for the campaign, another JPF midfielder Gareth Bale said: ‘Could you pass my six iron?’

I was so sad that Jerry Quy aka our famous & loyal mascot @Gunnersaurus and integral part of our club was being made redundant after 27 years. As such, I’m offering to reimburse @Arsenal with the full salary of our big green guy as long as I will be an Arsenal player… pic.twitter.com/IfWN38x62z
— Mesut Özil (@MesutOzil1088) October 6, 2020

Kenna League week 4

Full scores available from The Rub.

Dagger’n’Redbridge 2020/21

Since: 2018

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2018/19 – 24th (relegated)
2019/20 – 6th

Sympathies: QPR

First transfer window

Kepa Arrizabalaga	CHE	£ 0.50
Joel Matip	LIV	£ 0.50
John Stones	MCI	£ 0.50
Fabian Schär	NEW	£ 0.50
Ahmed El Mohamady	AVA	£ 0.50
Nathan Redmond	SOU	£ 0.50
Dani Ceballos	ARS	£ 0.50
Luka Milivojevic	CRY	£ 0.50
Tanguy Ndombele	TOT	£ 0.50
Odion Ighalo	MUN	£ 0.50
Bobby De Cordova-Reid	FUL	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Auction XI

Kepa Arrizabalaga	CHE	£ 0.50
Joel Matip	LIV	£ 0.50
John Stones	MCI	£ 0.50
Fabian Schär	NEW	£ 0.50
Ahmed El Mohamady	AVA	£ 0.50
Nathan Redmond	SOU	£ 0.50
Dani Ceballos	ARS	£ 0.50
Luka Milivojevic	CRY	£ 0.50
Tanguy Ndombele	TOT	£ 0.50
Odion Ighalo	MUN	£ 0.50
Bobby De Cordova-Reid	FUL	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Lokomotiv Leeds 2020/21

Gael Clichy — The Lokomotiv Leeds manager

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 2nd
2012/13 – 7th
2013/14 – 12th
2014/15 – 4th
2015/16 – 14th
2016/17 – 17th
2017/18 – 4th
2018/19 – 17th
2019/20 – 7th

Sympathies: Leeds

First transfer window

Karl Darlow	NEW	£ 0.50
Willian Jose	WOL	£ 6.00
Ben Davies	TOT	£ 0.50
Tyrone Mings	AVA	£ 0.50
Ethan Ampadu	SHU	£ 0.50
Adam Webster	BHA	£ 2.00
Jorginho	CHE	£ 0.50
Ilkay Gündogan	MCI	£ 0.50
James Ward-Prowse	SOU	£ 0.50
Jay Rodriguez	BUR	£ 0.50
Ademola Lookman	FUL	£ 0.50
		£ 12.50

Auction XI

Dean Henderson	MUN	£ 0.50
Shkodran Mustafi	ARS	£ 0.50
Ben Davies	TOT	£ 0.50
Tyrone Mings	AVA	£ 0.50
Ethan Ampadu	SHU	£ 0.50
Thiago (loan)	LIV	£ 0.50
Jorginho	CHE	£ 0.50
Ilkay Gündogan	MCI	£ 0.50
James Ward-Prowse	SOU	£ 0.50
Charlie Austin	WBA	£ 0.50
Dwight Gayle	NEW	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Young Boys 2020/21

Since: 2007

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2010/11 and 2015/16, Canesten Combi Cup winners 2008/09

Form
2007/08 – 5th
2008/09 – 3rd (cup winners)
2009/10 – 2nd
2010/11 – 1st (champions)
2011/12 – 4th
2013/14 – 16th
2014/15 – 6th
2015/16 – 1st (champions)
2016/17 – 12th
2017/18 – 12th
2018/19 – 9th
2019/20 – 9th

First transfer window

Emiliano Martínez	AVA	£ 0.50
Serge Aurier	TOT	£ 0.50
Ainsley Maitland-Niles	WBA	£ 0.50
Jack Stephens	SOU	£ 0.50
Konstantinos Tsimikas	LIV	£ 0.50
Rodri	MCI	£ 0.50
Alex Iwobi	EVE	£ 0.50
Dennis Praet	LEI	£ 0.50
John Lundstram	SHU	£ 0.50
Danny Welbeck	BHA	£ 0.50
Christian Benteke	CRY	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Auction XI

Emiliano Martínez	AVA	£ 0.50
Serge Aurier	TOT	£ 0.50
Ainsley Maitland-Niles	ARS	£ 0.50
Jack Stephens	SOU	£ 0.50
Konstantinos Tsimikas	LIV	£ 0.50
Rodri	MCI	£ 0.50
Alex Iwobi	EVE	£ 0.50
Dennis Praet	LEI	£ 0.50
John Lundstram	SHU	£ 0.50
Olivier Giroud	CHE	£ 0.50
Hal Robson-Kanu	WBA	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Judean Peoples’ Front 2020/21

Anders Breivik — The Judean Peoples’ Front manager

Since: 2008

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 11th
2009/10 – 6th
2011/12 – 9th
2012/13 – 3rd
2013/14 – 4th
2014/15 – 5th
2015/16 – 15th
2016/17 – 20th (relegated)
2017/18 – 17th
2018/19 – 21st
2019/20 – 20th (relegated)

Sympathies: Manchester United

First transfer window

Tom Heaton	AVA	£ 0.50
Benjamin Mendy	MCI	£ 0.50
Aaron Cresswell	WHU	£ 0.50
Mamadou Sakho	CRY	£ 0.50
Eric Bailly	MUN	£ 0.50
Dele Alli	TOT	£ 0.50
Thomas Partey	ARS	£ 0.50
Callum Hudson-Odoi	CHE	£ 0.50
Miguel Almirón	NEW	£ 0.50
Shane Long	SOU	£ 0.50
Divock Origi	LIV	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Auction XI

Tom Heaton	AVA	£ 0.50
Benjamin Mendy	MCI	£ 0.50
Aaron Cresswell	WHU	£ 0.50
Mamadou Sakho	CRY	£ 0.50
Eric Bailly	MUN	£ 0.50
Gareth Bale (loan)	TOT	£ 0.50
Mesut Özil	ARS	£ 0.50
Callum Hudson-Odoi	CHE	£ 0.50
Miguel Almirón	NEW	£ 0.50
Shane Long	SOU	£ 0.50
Divock Origi	LIV	£ 0.50
		£ 5.50

Pikey Scum 2020/21

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Canesten Combi Cup winner 2008, Narcozep Cup winner 2016, Kenna League champions 2017/18, Claudio Caniggia World Cup 2006 winner (under review), Dmitri Kharine 2018 World Cup 2018 winner

Form
2005/06 – 7th
2007/08 – 8th
2008/09 – 8th
2009/10 – 7th
2010/11 – 5th
2011/12 – 7th
2012/13 – 15th
2013/14 – 5th
2014/15 – 13th
2015/16 – 6th
2016/17 – 18th
2017/18 – 1st
2018/19 – 8th
2019/20 – 11th

Sympathies: Spurs

First transfer window

Lukasz Fabianski	WHU	£ 0.50
Thiago Silva	CHE	£ 14.00
Toby Alderweireld	TOT	£ 6.00
Yerry Mina	EVE	£ 4.00
Ben White	BHA	£ 0.50
Nicolas Pépé	ARS	£ 6.00
Mohamed Salah	LIV	£ 6.00
Kevin De Bruyne	MCI	£ 40.00
Youri Tielemans	LEI	£ 0.50
Ivan Cavaleiro	FUL	£ 0.50
Ollie Watkins	AVA	£ 0.50
		£ 78.50

Auction XI

Lukasz Fabianski	WHU	£ 0.50
Thiago Silva	CHE	£ 14.00
Toby Alderweireld	TOT	£ 6.00
Jack O’Connell	SHU	£ 0.50
Gary Cahill	CRY	£ 0.50
Nicolas Pépé	ARS	£ 6.00
Mohamed Salah	LIV	£ 6.00
Kevin De Bruyne	MCI	£ 40.00
Youri Tielemans	LEI	£ 0.50
Ivan Cavaleiro	FUL	£ 0.50
Ollie Watkins	AVA	£ 0.50
		£ 75.00

Bala Rinas 2020/21

Since: 2007 (committee member – league treasurer)

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2007/08 – 12th (relegated)
2011/12 – 8th
2012/13 – 13th
2013/14 – 3rd
2014/15 – 3rd
2015/16 – 3rd
2016/17 – 9th
2017/18 – 19th
2018/19 – 4th
2019/20 – 5th

Sympathies: Wrexham

First transfer window

Hugo Lloris	TOT	£ 0.50
João Cancelo	MCI	£ 0.50
Nelson Semedo	WOL	£ 0.50
Patrick van Aanholt	CRY	£ 0.50
Luke Ayling	LEE	£ 0.50
Leandro Trossard	BHA	£ 0.50
Jarrod Bowen	WHU	£ 7.00
Emile Smith-Rowe	ARS	£ 0.50
Marcus Rashford	MUN	£ 29.00
Jamie Vardy	LEI	£ 27.00
Che Adams	SOU	£ 2.00
		£ 68.50

Auction XI

Hugo Lloris	TOT	£ 0.50
João Cancelo	MCI	£ 0.50
Trent Alexander-Arnold (loan)	LIV	£ 30.00
Sead Kolasinac	ARS	£ 0.50
Luke Ayling	LEE	£ 0.50
Leandro Trossard	BHA	£ 0.50
Jarrod Bowen	WHU	£ 7.00
Oliver Norwood	SHU	£ 0.50
Marcus Rashford	MUN	£ 29.00
Jamie Vardy	LEI	£ 27.00
Che Adams	SOU	£ 2.00
		£ 98.00

Piss Poor 2020/21

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Form
2011/12 – 11th
2012/13 – 16th
2013/14 – 9th
2014/15 – 16th
2015/16 – 18th (relegated)
2016/17 – 21st (relegated)
2017/18 – 11th
2018/19 – 21st (relegated)

Sympathies: Liverpool

First transfer window

Nick Pope	BUR	£ 5.00
Andrew Robertson	LIV	£ 20.00
George Baldock	SHU	£ 4.00
David Luiz	ARS	£ 5.00
Jonny Evans	LEI	£ 0.50
Bertrand Traore	AVA	£ 5.00
João Moutinho	WOL	£ 3.00
Christian Pulisic	CHE	£ 17.00
Richarlison	EVE	£ 11.00
Danny Ings	SOU	£ 26.00
Patrick Bamford	LEE	£ 0.50
		£ 97.00

Auction XI

Nick Pope	BUR	£ 5.00
Andrew Robertson	LIV	£ 20.00
George Baldock	SHU	£ 4.00
David Luiz	ARS	£ 5.00
Jonny Evans	LEI	£ 0.50
Fred (loan)	MUN	£ 1.00
João Moutinho	WOL	£ 3.00
Christian Pulisic	CHE	£ 17.00
Richarlison	EVE	£ 11.00
Danny Ings	SOU	£ 26.00
Patrick Bamford	LEE	£ 0.50
		£ 93.00

Barry Town 2020/21

Since: 2018

Trophy cabinet: Empty

Form
2018/19 – 12th
2019/20 – 4th

Sympathies: Liverpool

First transfer window

Kasper Schmeichel	LEI	£ 10.00
Aymeric Laporte	MCI	£ 10.00
Ben Chilwell	CHE	£ 8.00
Victor Lindelöf	MUN	£ 0.50
Trent Alexander-Arnold	LIV	£ 10.00
Leander Dendoncker	WOL	£ 1.00
Abdoulaye Doucoure	EVE	£ 1.00
Ashley Westwood	BUR	£ 0.50
Tomas Soucek	WHU	£ 7.00
Callum Wilson	NEW	£ 8.00
Josh Maja	FUL	£ 0.50
		£ 56.50

Auction XI

Kasper Schmeichel	LEI	£ 10.00
Aymeric Laporte	MCI	£ 10.00
Ben Chilwell	CHE	£ 8.00
Victor Lindelöf	MUN	£ 0.50
Virgil van Dijk	LIV	£ 22.00
Leander Dendoncker	WOL	£ 1.00
Abdoulaye Doucoure	EVE	£ 1.00
Ashley Westwood	BUR	£ 0.50
Dele Alli	TOT	£ 11.00
Callum Wilson	NEW	£ 8.00
Michy Batshuayi	CRY	£ 1.00
		£ 73.00