fantasy premier league – Page 3 – The Jeff Kenna League

What a bunch of can’ts

Andorra — McIlroy toothache: Maybe the equipment’s to blame

THE WOKING manager can’t polish a turd.

The Sporting Lesbian manager surely can’t lose the title from here, something the Piedmonte manager can’t ever be expected to win buying under-performing English footballers for extortionate prices at auction. The Judean Peoples’ Front manager can’t visit Utoya Island ever again. One man still can’t believe that when he introduced them to the definition of the word ‘needster’, two people who had never met before the Newington Reds manager’s stag do in the Pyrenees simultaneously pulled up the same provocative Facebook photo of a girl in a bikini. Rival Catalans the Just Put Carles and PSV Mornington managers can’t eat their evening meals before midnight. A steady diet of lager and Jägerbombs can’t be sustained for longer than three days without an eerie taste of sick developing at the back of the throat. The Spartak Mogadishu manager can’t stop pillaging other’s first dates and making off with the booty, while the former Dan Terry Seduction manager can’t get laid, even using Rohypnol. Kenna HQ can’t afford to open premises in St James’s called the Point Fives Club with live tweets from the Olisadebe 2012 Euros auction framed on the wall of the billiard room. And someone who can snowboard can’t necessarily ski.

Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.

No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”

League table

Week 29 - 19 March 2013 — Week 29 – 19 March 2013

Weekly scores

			This week
		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	43	3
2	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	1
3	Piedmonte	Phil	33	3
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	1
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	2
6	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	30	1
7	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	2
8	Just put Carles	Carles	26	1
9	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	1
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	22	0
11	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	22	0
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	22	0
13	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	22	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	19	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	18	0
17	Headless Chickens	John N	16	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	0
19	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	14	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	11	Monreal, N – ARS – DEF
		Club	Judean Peoples’ Front

Le comptrolleur dit ‘non’ á Le Jeff

Pussy's nightclub — Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French

FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.

A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.

Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.

“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.

“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.

“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?

“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”

The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.

Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases

La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.

Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.

Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.

Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.

La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.

Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.

Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.

Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.

Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.

La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.

L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.

Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.

Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.

Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.

Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.

Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.

Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results

Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard

Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez

Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy

League table

Week 28 - 12 March 2013 — Week 28 – 12 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	41	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	32	4
3	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	27	1
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	24	1
7	Pikey Scum	Jack	24	1
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	22	1
9	Just put Carles	Carles	21	1
10	PSV Mornington	El Pons	20	1
11	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
12	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	0
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	0
14	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	14	2
15	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
16	Woking	Mike	14	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	13	1
19	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	1
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	23	Tevez, C – MCY – STR
		Club	Dynamo Charlton

Camera stunt

Lethal Weapon 2 film poster — Lethal Weapons: Martin Riggs and Roger Murtagh

THE CORRIDORS of Kenna HQ have long echoed with reverence for five seconds of Mel Gibson in 1989, but the bubble has sadly burst.

A closing shutter door to the league’s underground executive car park prompted a YouTube search for a remembered gem from Lethal Weapon 2.

The film features two veteran homicide detectives with terrifically well-managed hair fighting the evil spectre of South African Apartheid, which takes the form of snappily-dressed diplomats with clipped accents, automatic weapons and equally high-maintainence bonces.

In one scene madcap martial arts expert Martin Riggs, played by Gibson, enters a restricted area at the South African consulate by rolling underneath a closing shutter door without breaking stride. A true masterclass.

Unable to find the extract posted on YouTube, the Kenna HQ LoveFilm account was pressed into service and a DVD of the film hired for that purpose.

Zeut alors! Upon closer examination it was found that what was previously thought to be an unbridled display of letter-jacketed panache turned out to be two camera shots neatly spliced together.

“A two-minute silence will be observed before every fixture this weekend,” read a missive from Kenna HQ.

League table

Week 27 - 5 March 2013 — Week 27 – 5 March 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	61	3
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	46	3
3	Greendale Rockets	Stu	42	2
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	40	2
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	38	2
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	37	0
7	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	35	2
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	33	4
9	Just put Carles	Carles	32	1
10	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	1
11	Piedmonte	Phil	27	0
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	25	1
13	Headless Chickens	John N	25	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	25	0
15	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	23	1
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
17	Woking	Mike	21	2
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	18	1
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	17	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Public enemy hole in one

Ombersley golf club — 19th hole: The Chairman and former Dan Terry Seduction manager enjoy a well-earned drink

NOT MANY can endure the constant pressure of top level football management for long, and the Kenna League is no exception.

For every Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and Vasco De Beauvoir manager there are countless others who have passed on from the game to other arenas in which their skills are more suited.

One such example is the former Dan Terry Seduction manager, who readers of these pages will last recall steering the club to relegation in 2012 after a disastrous campaign in which he failed to woo players, the board or even a young journalist.

But whereas reports of his failed effort to slip a roofy to a girl from the local newspaper stretched credulity, the former DTS manager’s present crusade of villainy at a pay-and-play golf club in middle England is more than plausible.

“All the members act like it’s some exclusive club but they miss one point: they’re all sh1t at golf,” he explained during a round with the Kenna chairman on Monday, confirming common knowledge that most amateur golf club members’ enthusiasm for dress code and etiquette far outweigh their prowess on the course.

Retiring from the Kenna last summer, the former DTS boss relocated to Worcestershire to immediately begin his full-time campaign of terror midway through a competitive round.

With one parent on the committee and the other a popular member, particularly in the bar, the ex-Kenna man managed to wipe out his own respectability in one swoop by driving the ball over the heads of the group in front. A fourball that included the club pro.

As the angry scratch golfer marched 250 yards back up the fairway to deliver a furious, expletive-filled tirade, the former DTS boss heeded advice and kept his counsel. But far from being chastened by the experience, the out-of-work manager responded the only way he knew how: by taking the incident as an invitation to start leaving his car in the club pro’s reserved parking space.

“As part of my membership I get a free hour lesson with the club pro, but neither of us wants me to take that one up!” joked the former DTS manager as he produced a scrunched up voucher for a free 18-hole round.

His notoriety secured, the former Seduction boss turned his singular charm to that most sacred of clubhouse property – the notice board.

Eager to get some more competitions under his belt, weather permitting, he signed up for a contest on one condition. An asterix next to his scribbled name directed administrators to the bottom of the sheet to find: ‘*unless it’s snowing in which case I’ll stay in bed’.

Accosted by a senior lady member laster the day, the fairweather golfer was told that under no circumstances was he to deface club property in such a fashion. To the cheeky wag this was yet another chink in their armour.

Fans of 90s Canadian comedy TV show The Kids in the Hall will remember a sketch in which a balaclava-clad athlete with a catchy alias promises only to reveal his true identity once he climbs, ultimately unsuccessfully, to the top of a leisure centre squash ladder.

Taking inspiration from the show, but betrayed by his membership number, the former DTS boss received a curt phone call from a club apparatchik the day after signing up for the next competition and informed that it was not considered club etiquette to call himself ‘The Eradicator’.

So what’s next for the ex-Kenna man?

“I’ve thrown a couple of rounds with the old man to get my handicap up, so in the next Stableford contest I’ll romp home with 70 points. Who cares? It’s not exactly the Belfry,” he said.

Last 16 cup results (aggregate)

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens

Still Don’t Know Yet 3 – 1 Piedmonte

PSV Mornington 0 – 2 Just Put Carles

Woking 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys

Hairy Fadjeetas 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu

Dynamo Charlton 1 – 1 Pikey Scum (Dynamo go through on most points scored in second leg)

FC Testiculadew 2 – 0 Lokomotiv Leeds

League table

Week 26 - 26 February 2013 — Week 26 – 26 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	35	3
2	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	35	2
3	Piedmonte	Phil	34	2
4	Just put Carles	Carles	33	1
5	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	32	1
6	FC Testicluadew	James N	29	2
7	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	28	0
8	Bala Rinas	Lewis	26	2
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	26	1
10	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	1
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	23	1
12	Newington Reds	Dudley	22	2
13	Woking	Mike	22	1
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	21	2
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	17	0
16	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	0
17	Pikey Scum	Jack	14	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	13	0
19	Greendale Rockets	Stu	9	0
20	Headless Chickens	John N	9	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	14	Figueroa, M – WIG – DEF
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Oscar’s night

Browning 9mm Pistol — Shooter: Sporting Lesbian have scored 11 more goals than the next highest club this season

THE CASUAL Kenna manager must be hoping for some kind of Oscar Pistorius turn of fortune to beset Messrs Suarez and Aguero.

The Sporting Lesbian duo are fast leaving the rest of league behind. Chasing managers are wondering why their midnight trip to the John is being interrupted by the sound of a strange padding noise outside their bathroom door.

Chipping in with a paltry two appearance points, Maynor Figueroa was the only other Sporting man to contribute this week, but still the side outperformed all but one other.

No stranger to automatic weapons himself, Anders Breivik lookalike the Judean Peoples’ Front manager made his team’s case for a place in Europe as Jose Enrique and Ashley Cole both put in strong showings.

At the bottom Woking slipped even further away from safety. The manager’s competence has already been doubted by the highest authorities. How long until the club has their very own Night of the Short Blades?

Canesten Combi Cup second leg of the last 16 this weekend. Away goals count. Download the free wallchart.

League table

Week 25 - 19 February 2013 — Week 25 – 19 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	36	5
2	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	30	3
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	30	1
4	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	22	2
5	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
6	Piedmonte	Phil	20	1
7	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	17	1
9	Greendale Rockets	Stu	15	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	14	1
11	FC Testicluadew	James N	13	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	12	1
13	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	12	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	11	0
15	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	10	0
16	Woking	Mike	8	0
17	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	7	0
18	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	6	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Aguero, S – MCY – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman eyes Vatican job

Popemobile — Space just outside heaven: Managers attending the August auction may need to kiss the chairman’s ring

THE KENNA League chairman has thrown his funny hat in the ring to become the next Pope.

The Catholic Church was left in the hunt for a new leader yesterday after Benedict XVI became the first pontiff in 600 years to resign.

Despite not being a cardinal or even a Catholic, the Kenna chairman, who was recognised in the Queen’s New Year’s honours list to become Sir Nimrod Rodgers-Boyce, claims he has the perfect credentials for the job.

He said: “The Vatican may have a following of 1.2bn compared to our smaller league membership [of 20], but the issues are the same. Most of my flock freely engage in intimate pre-marital relations, and if the stories are true a few of them enjoy going bareback with strangers too.”

Asked how he’d tackle the high-profile issue of child abuse in the church that dogged the last incumbent’s papacy, Rodgers-Boyce said his in-depth knowledge of the Kenna League’s draconian forfeit process – the Titus Bramble ruling – would more than prepare him for the role.

“During my eight years in charge a lot more people than just Kenna managers officially complained after forcibly having their pants pulled down by Titus Bramble.”

The Vatican are yet to comment.

Cup scores – Last 16 first leg

Five teams picked up crucial away goals, including Hairy Fadjeetas on a precarious visit to the Horn of Africa.

The second leg will take place on 26 February.

Kenna HQ has produced a gnatty wallchart to keep track of the latest cup developments. Download your free copy from The Rub on the right hand side of the page.

Vasco De Beauvoir 3 – 0 Headless Chickens
Ramires
Puncheon
McAuley

Still Don’t Know Yet 1 – 1 Piedmonte
RVP Lampard

Just Put Carles 2 – 0 PSV Mornington
Maloney
Rangel

Woking 0 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Michu x2

Greendale Rockets 0 – 2 Northern Monkeys
Cazorla
Dzeko

Spartak Mogadishu 2 – 1 Hairy Fadjeetas
Benteke Hazard
Lukaku

Dynamo Charlton 0 – 1 Pikey Scum
Huth

Lokomotiv Leeds 0 – 0 FC Testiculadew

League table

Week 24 - 12 February 2013 — Week 24 – 12 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	40	3
2	Just put Carles	Carles	40	2
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	39	2
4	Piedmonte	Phil	35	1
5	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	2
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	31	3
7	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	31	2
8	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	0
9	Pikey Scum	Jack	28	1
10	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	24	1
11	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	23	1
12	PSV Mornington	El Pons	22	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	20	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	0
16	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	19	1
17	Headless Chickens	John N	17	0
18	Newington Reds	Dudley	14	0
19	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	11	0
20	Woking	Mike	11	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Michu – SWA – MID
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Woking fingered in Europol match fix probe

Bramble jersey handover 1Feb13 anon — Funny looking brown envelope: The Woking manager (right) accepts the Bramble jersey at Friday’s transfer window

WOKING emerged from the transfer window in the unsavoury spotlight of the match fixing allegations sweeping Europe.

The struggling club’s truly lacklustre debut season left Europol with little doubt that an Asian betting syndicate must be involved.

Handed the Bramble jersey at Friday night’s transfer window for being last-placed in the Kenna League, the Woking manager insisted there was nothing fishy going on at the club.

“I’ve just been unlucky in the transfer market,” said the Woking boss, who only has Leighton Baines left from his original eleven in August. “Who are Europol anyway? They sound like something from a second-rate sci-fi movie. What are they doing to do? Come after me with Judge Dread and Commander Worf?”

However, the European Union’s law enforcement agency dropped the charges soon after discovering that, amongst other glaring examples of tactical shortsightedness, Shane Long had scored just hours after being ditched by the Woking manager.

Rob Wainwright, director of Europol, said: “Having investigated Woking in more detail we’ve come the conclusion that the manger’s ineptitude excuses him of any wrongdoing. He’s bought Stewart Downing, for crying out loud.”

League table

Week 23 - 5 February 2013 — Week 23 – 5 February 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Piedmonte	Phil	50	4
2	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	39	2
3	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	36	2
4	Bala Rinas	Lewis	34	1
5	PSV Mornington	El Pons	33	2
6	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	33	0
7	Newington Reds	Dudley	30	3
8	Just put Carles	Carles	30	1
9	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
10	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	2
11	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
12	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	23	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	21	0
14	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
15	Woking	Mike	20	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	19	1
17	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
18	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	16	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
20	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	1

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	12	Fellaini, M – EVE – MID
		Club	Wandsworth Window Lickers

Mad Dog and Englishmen

EMANUEL Pogatetz has snatched the spotlight ahead of tonight’s transfer window as competition for his signature reaches fever pitch.

As managers make the traditional preparations of a Cornish pasty and quick internet search before attending this evening’s auction at Trafalgar Square hot spot The Two Chairmen, pulses throb at the commitment and passion the Austrian defender, known as ‘Mad Dog’, can bring to any side.

Hairy Fadjeetas and Still Don’t Know Yet are both reported to be in the chase, with the manager of the latter team has jettisoned Gary O’Neil and Carl Jenkinson to make way for Pogatetz.

Quizzed by hacks outside the Undecided Road stadium about his decision to keep Turkey-bound defender Anton Ferdinand, as well as absentee goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, the Still Don’t Know Yet manager said through his rolled down car window: “Anton’s a mere detail. Do you think Napoleon focused on every individual soldier? No, he was looking at the big picture, and so am I.”

After the midweek games, the club slipped down the table to one place above the relegation zone (latest table below).

As for Emanuel Pogatetz, his Kenna credentials are beyond dispute. In the January 2008 he joined The Trinny Men (whose manager is now at Bala Rinas), helping the team to last.

Follow the action from tonight’s Kenna transfer window live on @jeffkennaleague

Free agents – headlines

Shane Long scored this week just hours after being released by Woking. The Irishman is likely to be starting every game now that Wandsworth Window Licker Peter Odemwingie is living in his 4×4 in west London.
PSV Mornington has chosen the magic of Mata over the boundless goal-scoring of Demba Ba.
Daniel Sturridge is back on the market after being released by Just Put Carles, who also scrapped Danny Welbeck.
Fernando Torres could go for a cut-price fee after being handed his P45 by the Newington Reds manager.

For full details of released players and available budgets for each team click here or check the The Rub (top right of this page).

League table

Kenna table - 31 January 2013 — Kenna table – 31 January 2013

Transfer deadline day – just four hours left

LORRY LOADS of toilet paper being delivered to Vasco De Beauvoir‘s Shoreditch Park ground as the manager attempts to lure Jason Puncheon to the club.

Demba Ba and Juan Mata battling it out in an arroz con leche eating contest as they try to secure their future at PSV Mornington by impressing ‘El Jefe’.

Daniel Sturridge and Jordan Henderson having a ‘siesta off’ to prove their worth to the Just Put Carles manager.

The Sporting Lesbian boss interrupted with news of the fast approaching transfer window during a game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe dismissing concern with the words: “We have time to finish our game of bowls and defeat the Spanish.”

These are some of the things that could be happening this morning as managers rush to get their players released to Kenna HQ ahead of today’s noon deadline.

Come Friday night it’ll be game faces ‘on’ for the second and final transfer window of the season before clubs make their assault on the title / relegation survival / mid-table mediocrity (delete as appropriate).

Top-performing unsigned players, and a few new faces, are listed below. As everyone steels themselves ahead of Friday the question hanging in the air is: just who will walk away with Emmanuel Pogatetz?

Strikers

Hernandez (MUN, 89)
Le Fondre (REA, 87)
Benteke (AVL, 83)
Shaun Maloney (WIG, 64)
Di Santo (WIG, 62)

Gouffran (NEW)
Remy (QPR)
Wellington Paulista (WHM)

Midfield

De Guzman (SWA, 81)
Jason ‘I went for a sh1t’ Puncheon (SOT, 72)
Craig Gardner (SUN, 66)
Beausejour (WIG, 60)
Macanuff (REA, 57)

Coutinho (LIV)
Sissoko (NEW)
Chris David (FUL)
Holtby (TOT)

Defenders

Bassong (NOR, 72)
O’brien (WHM, 68)
Geoff Cameron (STO, 65)
Clichy (MCY, 63)
Azpilicueta (CHE, 60)

Yanga-Mbiwa (NEW)
Haidara (NEW)
Forren (SOT)
Ben Haim (QPR)
Debuchy (NEW)
Emmanuel Pogatetz (WHM)

Cup results

Greendale Rockets	2	1	Dynamo Charlton
Woking	1	0	Still Don’t Know Yet
Vasco De Beauvoir	1	2	Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys	1	0	Judean Peoples’ Front
Sporting Lesbian	1	1	Newington Reds
FC Testicluadew	1	0	Spartak Mogadishu
Just put Carles	0	0	Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds	4	1	Piedmonte

Canesten Combi Cup group stage – final tables

Final tables - cup groups — Final tables – cup groups

League table

Week 22 - 29 January 2013 — Week 22 – 29 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	34	4
2	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	32	1
3	Greendale Rockets	Stu	29	2
4	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	2
5	FC Testicluadew	James N	26	1
6	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	26	1
7	Headless Chickens	John N	25	2
8	Pikey Scum	Jack	20	2
9	Woking	Mike	18	1
10	Bala Rinas	Lewis	17	0
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	16	1
13	Piedmonte	Phil	15	1
14	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	13	0
16	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	11	0
17	Just put Carles	Carles	10	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	8	0
19	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	6	0
20	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	3	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	26	Giroud, O – ARS – STR
		Club	Lokomotiv Leeds

Shower of expectation

Shower scene — Happy ending: Half the teams in the Kenna have already progressed from the cup group stage (Photograph courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)

CRYSTALLIZED at the bottom, breathless at the top and much jiggling around in the middle: in many ways the Kenna table resembles a fat man with gout and a carrier bag over his head in the final throes of rubbing one off in the shower.

So it’s fitting that the coming weekend sees the climax of the race to the cup knockout stage. Who will breathe a satisfying sigh of relief? Who will tumble through the shower curtain, sustain a fatal head injury on the sink and be found naked three days later by sniggering paramedics?

Going into the deciding week, each manager will be looking at his team for goals, the key to a successful cup campaign. Chances of progression to knockout stages are analysed below – starting with the most wide open.

Group D

Just Put Carles v Wandsworth Window Lickers
Lokomotiv Leeds v Piedmonte

The Lickers will be backing Peter Odemwingie (7 goals this season) and club top scorer Fellaini (11) to combat the recent upturn in form of Just Put Carles striker Daniel Sturridge (4). Lokomotiv Leeds will hope that Jonathan Walters (7) will score at the right end, while Piedmonte look to Lambert (10) and Lampard (7) – a draw will not guarantee survival for either club.

Group C

Sporting Lesbian v Newington Reds
FC Testiculadew v Spartak Mogadishu

Sporting Lesbian trio Luis Suarez (18), Michu (14) and Sergio Aguero (8) will take some beating from Newington Reds, who rely on, oh dear, star striker Fernando Torres (7). A woeful goal difference means FC Testiculadew will have to keep out Spartak Mogadishu star Romelu Lukaku (9) to ensure safety.

Group B

Vasco De Beauvoir v Headless Chickens
Northern Monkeys v Judean Peoples’ Front

No player at either Vasco De Beauvoir or Judean Peoples’ Front have found the net for two weeks, and being on equal goal difference survival may be decided on who ships the least in the final game. A 1-1 draw was played out between the clubs in December, so JPF carry the advantage having scored one more goal in the contest.

Group A

Greendale Rockets v Dynamo Charlton
Woking v Still Don’t Know Yet

Friendly encounters all round as Bala Rinas managed got knocked out with a game to go.

League table

Week 21 - 22 January 2013 — Week 21 – 22 January 2013

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Pikey Scum	Jack	56	4
2	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	44	3
3	Piedmonte	Phil	44	2
4	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	42	1
5	Just put Carles	Carles	40	4
6	Bala Rinas	Lewis	39	0
7	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	38	1
8	PSV Mornington	El Pons	37	3
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	37	0
10	Headless Chickens	John N	35	1
11	Newington Reds	Dudley	35	0
12	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	33	2
13	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	32	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	26	1
15	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	26	0
16	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	26	0
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	25	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	22	1
19	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	1
20	Woking	Mike	16	0