fantasy premier league – Page 5 – The Jeff Kenna League

Easy targets

Tirowka — Gone in a flash: unsigned, in-form players are expected to be snapped up at Friday’s transfer window

NOWHERE is the enterprise and work ethic of the Polish nation in more evidence than this lay-by 100 miles south of the Baltic coast.

Among the lakes and woodlands of Europe’s Great Northern Plain, this blurry lady patiently plies her trade for just, local knowledge maintains, 35 zlotys a time (£7).

While this roadside boudoir, which consists of a green, plastic garden chair for waiting and a forest for everything else, gives both the lonely and the lasivious a secluded liaison, it also offers the more unconventional, shovel-carrying punter plenty of options.

Kenna managers will be hoping that this Friday’s transfer window is just as open a hunting ground, but with up to £10m in bonuses for submitting players to be released by Wednesday’s 12pm deadline and just a handful of desirable footballers available, competition will be fierce.

With the unsigned, in-form talent likely to attract large sums of money, managers may be forced, like the lay-by lady, to focus their efforts mainly on journeymen.

Top-scoring unsigned players

Strikers: Kone, Wigan (39 points), Shane Long, West Brom (36 points), Petric, Fulham (28 points), Di Santo, Wigan (27 points), Ricardo Vaz Te, West Ham (27 points)

Midfielders: Damian Duff, Fulham (35 points), Kightly, Stoke (24 points), McAnuff, Reading (23 points), Kacaniklic, Fulham (23 points), Raheem Sterling, Liverpool (22 points)

Defenders: Reid, West Ham (38 points), Jenkinson, Arsenal (27 points), Mertesacker, Arsenal (25 points), Chris Baird, Fulham (24 points), Kolorov, Man City (22 points)

Goalkeepers: Begovic, Stoke (23 points), Mannone, Arsenal (19 points)

League table

Week 8 - 23 October 2012 — Week 8 – 23 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	PSV Mornington	El Pons	34	4
2	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	31	1
3	Just put Carles	Carles	28	2
4	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	28	2
5	Greendale Rockets	Stu	26	3
6	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	26	2
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	22	1
8	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	22	1
9	Woking	Mike	22	1
10	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	0
11	Bala Rinas	Lewis	19	1
12	Piedmonte	Phil	19	0
13	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	18	0
14	FC Testicluadew	James N	18	0
15	Newington Reds	Dudley	17	0
16	Pikey Scum	Jack	16	2
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	16	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Headless Chickens	John N	11	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Mata, J – CHE – MID
		Club	PSV Mornington

Just one, Borini

Cornetto — He’s from Bologna, in Italy: Fabio Borini’s summer is over unless he can find the net

There was a gentle tapping at the door.

“Enter!” said the Vasco De Beauvoir manager from his desk. It was performance review day.

A gauche Fabio Borini shuffled in wearing the club’s new training kit: brown with pink lightening bolts. The Vasco manager gestured towards the empty chair in the middle of the room. The Italian gingerly seated himself.

“Do you know why I’ve asked you in?” said the Vasco boss. He glowered, visibly on edge.

Borini looked at the floor.

“That’s right,” continued the manager, starting to toy with a silver letter opener. “I’d like to talk to you about expectations.”

The last word the Vasco manager pronounced very slowly. It was imperative he dragged the team out of this rut. Ever since the 2010 treble, results had dwindled. His empire was crumbling.

The Italian knew what was coming and rallied. He rattled out: “It’s just a matter of time for me. The same thing happened last season. I scored one goal before October, then got injured for three months and after that I scored my second goal in January.

“From January until March I scored eight goals. I know from past experience that the goals will come. In Swansea I scored six goals from March until May. The goals do com….”

“January! Fucking January!” yelled the Vasco boss, stabbing the paper knife into the polished mahogany desk and springing to his feet. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed in between picking up 10 fucking appearance points in the last two months, but we’re bottom of the fucking league!

“I need you to start pulling something out your arse, Sonny Jim, or you won’t just find yourself with the knife between your teeth, or whatever that contrived goal celebration is about, you’ll find this fucking letter opener giving you a Chelsea fucking smile!”

As he delivered this impassioned vitriol, the Vasco manager had picked up the dagger, moved around the desk and ended the outburst pointing it, shaking with rage, an inch from the quaking 21-year-old’s nose.

“B..b..but..” he stammered.

“Don’t fucking ‘but’ me,” screamed the Vasco boss, spittle hitting the Italian’s face. “I spent a lot of time justifying to the board why I forked out £19m for you. I told them you’re the next fucking Aguero.”

Borini knew better than to react at this last comment. Jermaine Pennant had been dropped after one start for mentioning the Argentine’s name in a team meeting.

“Now, let’s make a deal, “said the Vasco manager in a conciliatory yet strained voice. “You start scoring goals and I won’t sling you out of here like the slovenly luxury player you want to be.”

As he nodded his assent, Borini was saved by a knock at the door. He would not be the only player to get this one-on-one motivational talk today.

“And speaking of slovenly luxury players,” the Vasco boss was genial again. The head of Tomas Rosicky popped around the door.

“Come in Tomas. Fabio was just leaving,” said the gaffer. “Now tell me: why shouldn’t I injure your other shin?”

League table

Week 7 - 9 October 2012 — Week 7 – 9 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	39	2
2	Newington Reds	Dudley	33	3
3	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	33	2
4	Greendale Rockets	Stu	31	1
5	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	30	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	30	2
7	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	2
8	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	1
9	Headless Chickens	John N	26	2
10	Piedmonte	Phil	26	1
11	Pikey Scum	Jack	26	1
12	Woking	Mike	21	1
13	FC Testicluadew	James N	21	0
14	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	20	1
15	PSV Mornington	El Pons	19	0
16	Just put Carles	Carles	18	0
17	Bala Rinas	Lewis	15	1
18	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	9	0
19	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	7	0
20	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	5	0

This is England

St George's flag — In his heart: Piedmonte players have been made to watch Dambusters to practice their formation

THERE HAVEN’T been many positives in the career of the erstwhile Piedmonte manager.

For seven disappointing years he plied his trade in the Kenna at the helm of Thieving Magpies, sticking to the same dogged loyalty of picking England players to do a job that foreigners will perform with twice the results for half the transfer fee.

After starting their Kenna career with positive third and second place finishes in the opening two seasons, Thieving Magpies spent five years in steady decline. Supporters were patient, but when January’s nadir came with the manager admitting he couldn’t go out locally, it was only a matter of time before he got the boot.

Taking the reins of new club Piedmonte, it looked like the manager had made the same St George’s flag lapel badge blunders of the dark times at ‘Pies, but Darren Bent and Frank Lampard have come charging out of the blocks, ably assisted by Nathan Dyer and Ricky Lambert.

Even the inclusion of his preferred goalkeeper Rob Green appears a masterstroke. The former England man doesn’t get a sniff of action in goal at Loftus Road, where so many away strikers do.

“I like football the English way. It’s about keeping them honest,” said the Piedmonte manager, making the first team’s only foreigners Rafael and Fabricio Coloccini practice slide tackling on the training ground’s goalposts before sending them to buy runner beans from an untended table in a nearby village and checking they’d left some money.

The manager’s dogmatic approach has already caused ripples at the club, with £17m Dutch playmaker Rafael van der Vaart leaving for the Bundesliga.

“I’ve got the utmost respect for Rafa, but to be fair he was a bit of a luxury player,” said the gaffer, who went on to deny rumours the midfielder had left because the team had been made to watch ‘Escape to Victory’ before every match.

League table

Week 6 - 2 October 2012 — Week 6 – 2 October 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	43	4
2	Pikey Scum	Jack	30	1
3	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	28	2
4	PSV Mornington	El Pons	27	3
5	Bala Rinas	Lewis	24	2
6	Just put Carles	Carles	24	1
7	FC Testicluadew	James N	23	3
8	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	23	1
9	Newington Reds	Dudley	21	1
10	Greendale Rockets	Stu	20	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	20	1
12	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	20	1
13	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	20	1
14	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	19	0
15	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
16	Piedmonte	Phil	17	1
17	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	13	0
18	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	12	0
19	Woking	Mike	7	0
20	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	6	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	20	Suarez, L – LIV – STR
		Club	Sporting Lesbian

Chairman challenges Chris Evans comments

Chris Evans article — Kenna suits have taken issue with praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager

BROADCASTER Chris Evans is to have his eyes tested after writing a glowing character reference of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager in his weekly column.

In the Mail on Sunday magazine at the weekend, the BBC Radio 2 host said the Judean Peoples’ Front boss was: “Top of the class, solid gold, as good as it gets.”

But senior figures at Kenna HQ have taken exception to the description by the bespectacled entertainer, which they claim bears no resemblance to the loud buffoonery and poor performance associated with the Welshman’s four-year league career.

“While we appreciate the noble cause that led to the article being written, we cannot let such fulsome praise of the Judean Peoples’ Front manager pass unchallenged,” said the Chairman at a press conference in lounge bar of the King’s Arms, Waterloo.

“Mr Evans’ comment about the JPF manager being ‘modest like that. All the best men are’ is wholly inaccurate taking into consideration a Kenna League tenure marked by poor man management skills, inappropriate jokes about hair colour and worrying parallels with Norwegian gunmen.”

It has been a controversial year for the Welshman. In the February transfer window, a leaked email – in what became known as the Ashley Williams affair – sparked outrage when he was found to have called his members of his first team an ‘under performing bunch of tossers’.

In April, when the team was found to have the fewest black minority ethnic players, the manager was forced to dismiss reports that his similarity to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik only ended at looks.

Judean Peoples’ Front went on to finish a disappointing ninth last season, the manager’s highest achievement in three campaigns at the helm.

Asked how he thought someone could draw such wild conclusions about the JPF boss, the Chairman said: “He’s obviously never sold Chris Evans a car.”

League table

Kenna table week 5 - 24 September 2012 — Week 5 – 24 September 2012

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	4
3	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	29	3
4	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	29	2
5	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	27	2
6	Woking	Mike	27	0
7	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	26	2
8	FC Testicluadew	James N	25	0
9	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	25	0
10	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	24	0
11	PSV Mornington	El Pons	23	1
12	Pikey Scum	Jack	23	0
13	Just put Carles	Carles	22	0
14	Bala Rinas	Lewis	16	0
15	Greendale Rockets	Stu	16	0
16	Headless Chickens	John N	15	0
17	Newington Reds	Dudley	15	0
18	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	15	0
19	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	15	0
20	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	14	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	Lambert, R – SOT – STR
		Club	Piedmonte

Lesbi show

Peep show — Michu has given a glimpse of his prowess

FOUR GOALS in three appearances for Spanish sensation Michu has gifted the Sporting Lesbian boss August’s Manager of the Month award.

The £2.5m attacking midfielder from Asturias has inspired the rest of the Lesbian side – apart from the injured Marko Marin, the rest of the team has contributed to their manager’s early success.

“We’re putting in some very good Lesbian performances. It’s really bringing the punters in,” said the Sporting boss, while taking delivery of a fresh batch of ping pong balls and listing the used ones for sale on a discreet, specialist website.

This time last season Just Put Carles were in a similar position, but could only end the season in a bitter lower mid-table dogfight.

The Kenna pump

£17m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart has moved to Germany. “Scheisse!” said the Peidmonte manager.
£500k defender Neil Taylor is out for the rest of the season with injury. “We’re not in crisis,” said the Greendale Rockets manager, whose also without Wayne Rooney.
Despite £35m Robin van Persie’s hat-trick and penalty fail, Still Don’t Know Yet are in trouble up front with £23m Mario Balotelli out with an eye injury. “He’s not looking so good,” quipped the SDKY gaffer.
£500k Lokomotiv Leeds midfielder Ryan Taylor is out until March with a cruciate injury
£1m Headless Chicken Andy Carroll is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
Just over a year after the FC Testiculadew manager signed him for £7m, Maicon has come to England.

League table

Kenna table - week 3 — Kenna table – week 3

Weekly scores

		Manager	Points	Goals
1	FC Testicluadew	James N	36	3
2	Piedmonte	Phil	29	1
3	Northern Monkeys	Hugo	28	2
4	Sporting Lesbian	Ben M	27	1
5	Dynamo Charlton	Alex	24	2
6	Still Don’t Know Yet	Pete	23	3
7	Bala Rinas	Lewis	21	0
8	Just put Carles	Carles	19	0
9	Vasco De Beauvoir	Stix	18	1
10	Headless Chickens	John N	17	1
11	Lokomotiv Leeds	Ben S	17	1
12	Spartak Mogadishu	Abdi	17	1
13	Newington Reds	Dudley	16	1
14	Wandsworth Window Lickers	Will	16	1
15	Woking	Mike	16	0
16	Hairy Fadjeetas	Aiden	15	1
17	Judean Peoples’ Front	Sholto	14	0
18	Greendale Rockets	Stu	13	0
19	Pikey Scum	Jack	10	0
20	PSV Mornington	El Pons	5	0

		Points	Player
	Player of the week	15	van Persie, R – MUN – STR
		Club	Still Don’t Know Yet

Vasco De Beauvoir

Manager: Stix (Worcestershire)

Twitter name: @jeffkennaleague

Since: 2005 (co-founder and Chairman)

Last season: 16th

Trophy cabinet: Champions 2005/06, treble in 2009/2010 (league, cup, Khumalo World Cup 2010)

Sympathies: Kidderminster Harriers

Darts music: Highway to the Danger Zone – Kenny Loggins

Outlook: People used to say that Brazil were the Vasco De Beauvoir of world football, but those heady, summer, treble-winning days of 2010 seem a Rory Delap throw in away looking at the club’s current shower. In what’s become known as the most epic Bramble of all time, £40m Sergio Aguero was replaced in the auction by Leroy Lita, but a month-long lay off with injury means not even the prolific Argentine could have dragged this bunch of misfits to anything but a relegation battle. Tomas ‘Little Mozart’ Rosicky, himself off until October with injury, should be preparing a requiem for the manager’s chances of being employed come May.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Al-Habsi, A	WIG	£2.5m
Harte, I	REA	£10m
Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Ferdinand, R	MUN	£6.5m
McAuley, G	WBA	£0.5m
Gutierrez, J	NEW	£5m
Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m
Ramires	CHE	£12m
Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Podolski, L	ARS	£40m
	Total	£119.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Kolorov, A	MCY	£19m	Nastasic, M	MCY	£13m
Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m	Puncheon, J	SOT	£29m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Hibbert, T	EVE	£5m	Kolarov, A	MCY	£19m
Pennant, J	STO	£1m	Etherington, M	STO	£0.5m
Rosicky, T	ARS	£1.5m	Surman, A	NOR	£0.5m
Borini, F	LIV	£19m	Ruiz, B	FUL	£0.5m
Lita, L (B)	SWA	£20m	Podolski, L	ARS	£40m

Pikey Scum

Manager: Jack (Hampshire)

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: Cup at some point (best league finish – 5th in 2010/11), 2006 Claudio Caniggia World Cup winner

Sympathies: Spurs

Darts music: I’m A Pikey – Enrique Iglesias

Outlook: With the exception of £8m Stewart Downing, the Pikey manager seems to have assembled a side capable of making a first successful assault on the title. Will have a tough decision come the first transfer window, when he’ll have to jettison either Bale or Adebayor

No Brambles.

Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Huth, R	STO	£5m
Cahill, G	CHE	£7.5m
Boyce, E	WIG	£0.5m
Allen, J	LIV	£10m
Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Granero, E	APR	£0.5m
Brunt, C	WBA	£4m
Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m
Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m
	Total	£99m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m	Allen, J	LIV	£10m
El Ahmadi, K	AVL	£3m	Granero, E	QPR	£0.5m
Pogrebnyak, P	REA	£8.5m	Anichebe, V	EVE	£5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
de Gea, D	MUN	£19m	Vorm, M	SWA	£9.5m
Sagna, B	ARS	£11m	Jones, P	MUN	£12m
Bale, G	TOT	£30m	De Ridder, S (B)	SOT	£15m
Downing, S	LIV	£8m	Walcott, T	ARS	£15m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m	Fletcher, S	SUN	£30m

Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Johnson, G	LIV	£8m
Coloccini, F	NEW	£10m
Rafael	MUN	£2m
Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Lampard, F	CHE	£16m
Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m
Johnson, A	SUN	£4.5m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m
Lambert, R	SOT	£13m
	Total	£95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m	Dawson, M	TOT	£6m
Dyer, N	SWA	£10m	Kebe, J	REA	£0.5m
Bent, D	AVL	£16m	Jelavic, N	EVE	£34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Green, R	QPR	£0.5m	Begovic, A	STO	£0.5m
Tomkins, J	WHM	£3m	Mertesacker, P	ARS	£19m
van der Vaart, R	HAM	£17m	Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m

Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th last season and in 2008/09)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.

No Brambles.

Hart, J	MCY	£22m
Enrique, J	LIV	£13m
Cole, A	CHE	£17m
Monreal, N	ARS	£22m
Lowton, M	AVL	£0.5m
Valencia, A	MUN	£17m
Britton, L	SWA	£0.5m
Cole, J	WHM	£10m
Beausejour, J	WIG	£0.5m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m
Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m
	Total	£103.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Gallas, W	TOT	£17m	Monreal, N	ARS	£22m
Diaby, A	ARS	£0.5m	Cole, J	WHM	£10m
Jelavic, N	EVE	£21m	Adebayor, E	TOT	£0.5m
Rodallega, H	FUL	£0.5m	Rodriguez, J	SOT	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Hutton, A	AVL	£0.5m	Gallas, W	TOT	£17m
Squillaci, S	ARS	£0.5m	Lowton, M	AVL	£0.5m
Parker, S	TOT	£0.5m	Diaby, A	ARS	£0.5m
Tiote, C	NEW	£0.5m	Beausejour, J	WIG	£0.5m

PSV Mornington

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook: A lower mid-table club, and from the looks of this offering, lower mid-table ambition. A hotch potch back five and, £28m Mata and £17m Ba aside, a team that used to be sort of promising. Leiva’s a holding midfielder returning from long injury, just two goals were scored from Delap throw ins last season and Noble’s out of touch at this level. Gabby Agbonlahor? Didn’t he play for England once?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Chico	SWA	£6m
Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Mata, J	CHE	£28m
Noble, M	WHM	£8m
Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Agbonlahor, G	AVL	£7m
Jones, K	STO	£0.5m
	Total	£69.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m	Lescott, J	MCY	£0.5m
Sahin, N	LIV	£7m	McClean, J	SUN	£0.5m
Ba, D	CHE	£17m	Jones, K	STO	£0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Gazzaniga, P (B)	SOT	£4.5m	de Gea, D	MUN	£0.5m
Heitinga, J	EVE	£6m	Ramis, I	WIG	£0.5m
Senderos, P	FUL	£5m	Chico	SWA	£6m
Fabio	QPR	£5m	Sagna, B	ARS	£10m
Brown, W	SUN	£3m	Bosingwa, J	QPR	£10m
Delap, R	STO	£0.5m	Sidwell, S	FUL	£8m
Leiva, L	LIV	£0.5m	Sahin, N	LIV	£7m