fernando torres – The Jeff Kenna League

Newington Reds

Manager: Dudley (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @dudleyben

Since: 2005 (co-founder and committee member – charts and graphs)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – second in 2005/06)

Last season: 3rd

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: Forever Young – Alphaville

Outlook: Fans of the club were resigned to the manager’s lack of silverware at this level, but after some competent signings at auction expectation is growing in N5. Light in midfield, but with the potential for goals from defence and up front, could this finally be their year?

No Brambles.

Howard, T	EVE	£8m
Samba, C	QPR	£17m
Vermaelen, T	ARS	£17m
Kolorov, A	MCY	£0.5m
Smalling, C	MUN	£0.5m
Sessegnon, S	SUN	£6.5m
Jarvis, M	WHM	£7.5m
Sissoko, M	NEW	£14m
Adam, C	STO	£0.5m
Sturridge, D	LIV	£43m
Long, S	WBA	£1.5m
	Total	£116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out			In
Skrtel, M	LIV	£17m	Samba, C	QPR	£17m
Rangel, A	SWA	£3m	Kolorov, A	MCY	£0.5m
Mulumbu, Y	WBA	£1.5m	Sissoko, M	NEW	£14m
Torres, F	CHE	£37m	Sturridge, D	LIV	£43m
Adebayor, E	TOT	£1m	Long, S	WBA	£1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out			In
Nelsen, R	QPR	£0.5m	Smalling, C	MUN	£0.5m
Etherington, M	STO	£6m	Sessegnon, S	SUN	£6.5m
Miyaichi, R	WIG	£5.5m	Jarvis, M	WHM	£7.5m
Milner, J	MCY	£0.5m	Adam, C	STO	£0.5m
Dembele, M	TOT	£2.5m	Adebayor, E	TOT	£1m

Hennessey injury hits Fadjeetas

FADJEETAS goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey has been ruled out for the rest of the season after scans revealed he had suffered a torn cruciate ligament.

The Bikini Lane No.1 sustained the knee injury during the weekend’s match and was sent for an MRI examination which confirmed the club’s worst fears.

The Hairy Fadjeetas manager is already staring a relegation battle in the face as his side currently sits just above safety with only four games remaining and with a significantly inferior goal difference.

And they must now face their remaining fixtures without the Wales international shot-stopper, who had racked up 47 points, starting every game this season.

With the 25-year-old sidelined, Hairy Fadjeetas will finish the campaign with 10 men, placing more pressure on stuttering striker Fernando Torres and Bryan Ruiz, who has failed to make an impact since being signed in January.

Hennessey now faces a lengthy road back to full fitness over the next three or four months and faces a battle to be fit for the start of next season.

Torres comes prematurely for Fadjeetas cup hopes

Christianity — Touched: Religion has played a key role for Torres

FERNANDO Torres finally had his prayers answered but his exalted performance may have come a week too early.

Two goals, two assists and a first player-of-the-week award from the £27.5m Spaniard put Hairy Fadjeetas top of this week’s scoring charts.

A goal, assist and clean sheet from Jonny Evans and a goal and assist from Stewart Downing completed the rout.

“Typical, my team’s best showing all season comes a week early. I just hope Fernando’s form remains,” said the Fadges boss ahead of his side’s crunch quarter-final second leg against Dynamo Charlton.

Nine points separate the teams after the first leg.

Only one of the quarter-final ties looks like a foregone conclusion after Pikey Scum’s first leg demolition 49 – 16 by Headless Chickens.

Due to technical issues at Kenna HQ the latest table is only available by downloading the spreadsheet in the ‘details’ box.

Release Bryan!

Life of Brian — Impediment: Ruiz and Torres are struggling up front

BRYAN Ruiz yet again failed to make an impact for Hairy Fadjeetas, but it didn’t stop his new club snatching the initiative in the first leg of the cup quarter finals.

Despite showing sparks of promise, the Costan Rican has failed to convince the mob.

The unfancied Fadges had to rely on a Matthew Etherington goal and a Stewart Downing assist to give them the edge over a dismal Dynamo Charlton.

“We just need to get the ball to Bryan in attacking positions,” said the Hairy Fadjeetas boss, forgetting that he’s been trying that with Fernando Torres since August.

Widely regarded as stragglers in the league, where they lie just 15 points from the bottom, Fadjeetas have been tearing up the form book in the cup.

Should they progress to the semis they’ll likely face Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens, who thumped a flimsy Pikey Scum.

Facile boast

In the other half of the draw, the Young Boys manager is preparing to eat his ‘Easy! Easy!’ tweets after losing first-leg ground to PSV Mornington.

Outstanding performances from Alex Song, Danny Murphy and Jermaine Defoe meant the Catalan boss was savouring his turrón and ratafia cocktail come Sunday night.

“Métetelo por el culo,” he said, when asked about Andy Carroll’s form.

A tough semi final against FC Testiculadew or Newington Reds awaits.

Young Boys confident of getting semis

Road to the final — Cannestan Combi Cup - The Road to the Final

A belligerent Young Boys manager claimed his side were guaranteed a place in the semi finals after being drawn to league strugglers PSV Mornington.

“Easy! Easy!” chanted the YB boss after Friday’s draw was made on Twitter.

“My Young Boys don’t have much experience of semis, but they train hard, so I’m quietly confident,” he crowed on the social media platform.

Should they progress, YB face the tough prospect of either league leaders FC Testiculadew or third-placed Newington Reds.

In the other side of the knockout stages, Dynamo Charlton will play Hairy Fadjeetas in what commentators are dubbing ‘The Ambulance News Derby’.

“This is a real grudge match for my beautiful fadges,” said the Fadjeetas boss, stroking Fernando Torres hair as the Spaniard wept into his lap.

The winners will face either in-form Pikey Scum or Pavel Pogrebnyak’s Headless Chickens.

Quarter final dates

Leg one – Wednesday 7 March

Leg two – Wednesday 28 March

Hairy Fadjeetas (second window)

Manager: Mr Aiden Brisland (ENG)

Since: 2011

Trophy cabinet: empty

Sympathies: Sheffield Wednesday

Hennessey, W	WLV	£4m
Evans, J	MUN	£7.5m
Jagielka, P	EVE	£14.5m
Taylor, N	SWA	£0.5m
Givet, G	BLR	£3.5m
Etherington, M	STO	£12.5m
Lennon, A	TOT	£8.5m
Downing, S	LIV	£0.5m
Morrison, J	WBA	£0.5m
Torres, F	CHE	£27.5m
Ruiz, B	FUL	£2m
		£81.5m

Fadjeetas: ‘We need Canesten Combi’

Like Paul Daniels’ circular saw, the Canesten Combi Cup group stages almost ended the magic.

Seven of the eight teams to qualify for the quarter finals are in riding high in the top half of the league.

It was left to Hairy Fadjeetas to tear up the form book and represent the bottom half.

Despite losing their final group game to Vasco De Beauvoir, Fadjeetas edged through by a whisker on goal difference.

The Bikini Lane faithful will be glued to their radios live for next Friday night’s transfer window, when their side will be drawn in the knock-out stages.

The team have struggled this term with Andrey Asharvin and Fernando Torres performances leaving them in danger of going down.

“With our lacklustre efforts in the league and our marquee signings failing to make an impact, we need the Canesten Combi,” said the Fadjeetas boss to his local pharmacist.

“The other seven teams are all strong and we’ll have some pretty stiff competition to deal with, but I can tell them that now we’ll take some licking if they want to get through.”

Cup results - 24 January — Cup results – 24 January