Helpless: Just Put Carles were no match for Spartak Mogadishu – the Pirates fired all afternoon (photo courtesy of Spontaneous Raptor)
KEVIN Nolan and Romelu Lukaka both scored hat-tricks to propel Spartak Mogadishu to a record 7-1 victory over Just Put Carles in the Canesten Combi Cup final.
The misery began for the Catalan manager of JPC when defender Jonas Ollson put the ball into his own net in the 17th minute.
Spartak Mogadishu striker Kevin Nolan made it 2-0 a few minutes later. JPC held on until half time, but Nolan added another just after the break.
Adam Le Fondre clawed one back for the Catalans, but Lukaku and Nolan went on to pump in another four goals to make it a record Canesten Combi Cup scoreline.
The Spartak Mogadishu manager becomes the first Johnny Foreigner to win silverware in the Kenna. He tweeted this evening that he was ‘here on merit’.
@jeffkennaleague I’ve proven I’m here on merit and all these idiots saying im a job stealing foreigner are wide of the mark etc etc
In the wake of the defeat the JPC manager tweeted: “Destroyed Catalan for dinner tonight”. It’s unclear whether he’s referring to the result or he’s entertaining Luis Suarez this evening.
It’s yet to be seen what effect the final day of the season will have on the Kenna League table, although Spartak Mogadishu were just too far back from third place for their six goals to have any likely say in the race for prize money.
Sporting Lesbian are almost certain to take the league title. A goal from Dimitar Berbatov will most likely have cemented runners up place to defending champions FC Testiculadew.
Spilt milk?: Sporting Lesbian are on the verge of messing it up (photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)
BITING BANS and injury troubles have Kenna League leaders Sporting Lesbian limping towards the line with two weeks left of the football season.
Michu, David Santon, Kieran Gibbs and Maynor Figueroa are all on the physio’s table, a thought that has teammate Luis Suarez lurking nearby with the condiments as he sits out his 10-match ban.
The personnel crisis at Sporting Lesbian is a surprising twist in this term’s final act. In his debut campaign their manager has dominated to such an extent that league investigators claim to have found the ashes of any competition for the title in the living room woodburner of his country cottage.
The door has now been left ajar for defending champions FC Testiculadew. Not dissimilar to the Sporting manager’s debut this time, FCT’s authority over last season’s contest led to their manager being implicated in the ‘Kenna in the bag‘ scandal in April 2012.
In second place for most of the year, the FCT manager is also struggling to get the best from his team as strikers Loic Remy and Dimitar Berbatov rapidly lose interest in proceedings. Over his shoulder a host of clubs are queuing up for the spoils.
Pikey Scum in fifteenth would appear most likely to escape a dreary performance with a mid-table finish. Below them two goals from ‘Release’ Bryan Ruiz and a second league notch for Gareth McAuley on the weekend have Vasco De Beauvoir exerting a modicum of pressure on those clubs just above the drop zone.
At the bottom, the Woking manager hasn’t been to work since taking a screen test at Sky Sports News three weeks ago. Surrey Police have appealed for any information related to his whereabouts, although they advise the public not to approach him.
Treasure chest: The Spartak Mogadishu cheerleading squad are limbering up ahead of the club’s cup final appearance (photo courtesy of Grant Brummett and the Arizona Renaissance Festival)
A CHRISTIAN Benteke hat-trick in 18 minutes secured a cup final place for Spartak Mogadishu.
The Pirates had looked unlikely to beat Canesten Combi Cup holders FC Testiculadew but the Belgian international supplied a last-gasp lifeline. Benteke’s Somali manager was overjoyed.
“Yarrrrr! I be waitin’ many o’ year to get me mitts on some booty, and I don’t mean western tourists wit’ rope burn on tharr wrists, for I be gettin’ plenty o’ that!” said the Spartak Mogadishu boss banging his fist on the table to the raucous cheers of his management team, before ordering a petrified and dehydrated hostage to ‘blow the man down’.
Just Put Carles will be the other side contesting the 19 May final after their Catalan manager progressed with a rare Jordan Henderson brace in the second leg against Still Don’t Know Yet.
Continuing the bitter rivalry with the Kenna League’s other Catalan manager, the JPC boss said: *”PSV Mornington són els fills bastards de cabrers il · legítims, i aquesta victòria és un testimoni de la nostra superioritat sobre aquesta escòria que ni tan sols estan en condicions de menjar xoriço a la taula dels Castillianos.”
Commentators are citing the final between foreign managers as further evidence of the decline of managerial talent in England.
Failure to defend the Canesten Combi trophy will come as a double blow to the FC Testiculadew manager, as his chances of retaining the league title ebbed away even more with three weeks to go.
Defiant in defeat: The FC Testiculadew manager
The FCT manager said: “Fools! Every thousand years, I test each life system in the universe. I visit it with mysteries, earthquakes, unpredicted eclipses, strange craters in the wilderness, irregular bidding practices at fantasy football auctions… If these are taken as natural, I judge that system ignorant and harmless – I spare it.
“But if the Hand of tactical Brambling is recognized in these events, I judge that system dangerous to us. I call upon the great god Titus, and for his greater glory, and for our mutual pleasure, I destroy it utterly!”
*”PSV Mornington are the bastard sons of illegitimate goatherds, and this victory is testament to our superiority over those scum who are not even fit to eat chorizo at the table of the Castillianos.”
Lone wolf: Luis Suarez has been the outstanding player for his team this season
THE ALLEYWAY behind the high street was dimly lit and perfect. No one had passed in either direction for at least 20 minutes. As time drew on the task seemed more achievable, albeit no less irksome.
It had become a desperate occupation, but there was no other choice if the team was to continue performing well. The amount of money riding on these nocturnal expeditions was so high that ethics were irrelevant. The star striker must retain his outstanding form, especially considering the indifferent performances of his teammates.
It was just after 10pm. Four hours ago the lid had almost been lifted on one of the biggest secrets in football. He’d got a result from the match and managed to palm off the press in the post-match interview, but he needed tonight to go off without a hitch to complete the run in to the end of the season. He could feel the low thud of adrenaline.
At first this little whim, as he thought it was then, seemed as harmless as wearing lucky underwear or kissing rabbit’s foot. The manager wasn’t a superstitious man, but plenty of his players were. He surveyed the dark street from the car he’d hired and wondered how it had come to this.
He’d noticed something strange about Luis Suarez a few days after becoming his manager. He’d called the striker in for a one-to-one and offered him his complete trust, as he did with all his players. Suarez had seemed shifty then, and it wasn’t until responding to a panicked, late night phone call to the striker’s home that he discovered why. Fortunately, no one asks questions when a middle-aged vagrant disappears.
Already he had sussed out the rest of the squad as a bunch of overpaid underachievers, and he needed his best player to be as happy as possible to produce his best football. Once he’d overcome the initial shock and been assured that no one else knew, he offered the striker his full support. League performance was everything.
The goals kept going in, but the demands to be sated became increasingly frequent and acquired. Homeless men didn’t do for long and by Christmas women were the preferred choice. Not just any woman, but a particular type that had he given this heinous menu more thought beforehand, he would never have guessed.
Just as humans prefer a fatted calf, Luis preferred the larger lady. The sort who wear XXXL fleeces, scrape their lank hair back in a Croydon facelift and march around with a determined expression and a box of Mayfair Menthol clutched in stubby fingers were ideal. Luckily this was the north west of England, and like the stolen credit card and fake driving licence he’d used to hire the car, this commodity was in no short supply.
And so he found himself waiting for the end of shift at the back door of Superdrug. This was the seventh different market town he’d visited in two months, but that afternoon’s outburst had shown the situation was getting out of control. Whatever the cost, he needed those goals.
A few yards away a metal door squeaked open and a figure lumbered into view. For a moment the face was illuminated until a plume of smoke rose into the night air.
Never Woking up again: Three days later a dog walker found Natalie Sawyer’s battered corpse on Chobham Common
THE CAR pulled to a stop and he killed the lights. It was late at night and only the glow of the radio illuminated their faces. He turned to her.
“I really need this,” he said over his Genesis CD.
“Look, Mike, it’s not that easy. I can’t just click my fingers and get you a job,” she said nervously. There was no other light around them as far as the eye could see, except the dim red suggestion of the M3 a couple of miles away. He’d seemed so pleasant and well mannered in the studio, but he was different now. He probably didn’t have any rare Brentford Football Club memorabilia to show her.
“But you must be able to,” the tension in his voice was clear. “You’re one of their most popular anchors. The Woking job, that’s over now. The board called me in yesterday.”
She took a deep breath: “Not all ex managers make good pundits. I know you did okay in the screen test today, but there are other factors. Do you know how many former managers we have coming in? Lots of…”
“But I could do it,” he cut in. “I’ve got the experience. To manage a team propping up the league for most of the season, well, it gives you plenty to analyse. It gives you perspective,” he was louder now, and the Home Counties twang he worked so hard to hide was becoming more pronounced.
“We’ve already got a team of well known pundits who the punters love,” she was firmer, and trying to steer the conversation towards getting away from the desolate spot in which she found herself. “They’re not some one-season pony with three worst manager of the month awards and a string of ill-advised signings. They’re household names: Jeff Stelling, Matt Le Tissier, Alan McInally…”
“Screw Alan McInally!” His hands hit the steering wheel in frustration. Her head snapped round to see a wild look in his eyes as he stared into the darkness. His breathing was deep, animal.
“If I don’t get this then there’s nothing,” he continued. “Nothing. I’ve been talking to my agent and there are no offers to manage another club. No job in football’s top flight and my life’s over. You have to get me a job, Natalie.” His knuckles were white. His eye twitched.
“I’d like you to drive me home now,” she made the sound, but it was barely audible. The end of the sentence was swallowed by the realisation that she’d seen Sam for the last time.
He opened the door and stepped into the chill of a Surrey spring night. She became more rigid in her seat as he retrieved something from the boot. In a flash her door was opened.
“Get out!” He shouted. Then without waiting he grabbed her sleek dark hair and dragged her out of the car. She screamed but there was no one to hear. The noise was enveloped by the lonely isolation.
He threw her to ground and stood over her. The lichen was damp and cold against her tights.
“I’ve been patient,” he said, the strain of his team’s poor league performances and early cup exit very much apparent. “But you’re negativity is starting to anger me. You don’t understand. No one understands. You just think the Kenna League is a bunch of guys in the pub doing a fantasy football auction. Do you know how much my back still stings from wearing the Bramble Jersey during the January transfer night? This is serious, more serious than you could ever imagine in your cosy studio.”
“I understand. I agree with you,” she simpered.
“You’re mocking me,” he snarled. Something briefly shined at his side.
“Please, please don’t hurt me,” she sobbed. Tears were streaming from her dark eyes. In places they were beginning to stick hair to the sharp curves of her Slavic features.
The open car door was the only window of light in the wide open space of the dark heathland, made blacker still by the overcast and starless night sky. Not even an owl hooted.
Sporting Lesbians: It got messy (Photo courtesy of Wet and Messy Photography)
CHANCES of a debut manager winning the Kenna league and cup double for the second season in a row came to an end today.
Sporting Lesbian, who have dominated this season’s league campaign since before anyone can remember, were found to have been dumped out of the Canesten Combi Cup quarter finals after a goal recount.
The Lesbians were initially thought to have progressed to the semi finals last week at the expense of Just Put Carles. It emerged that goals from JPC’s Mikel Arteta and Jordan Henderson were overlooked.
Known across the Kenna as ‘the tactical Brambler‘ for his underhand gamesmanship, the FCT manager is also looking to defend his league crown, but faces an uphill struggle as he attempts to claw back a 72-point lead from Sporting Lesbian in just six weeks.
For Spartak Mogadishu the cup holds the only chance left of picking up any prize money this season. The Pirates had challenged for third spot but – like Hairy Fadjeetas, Northern Monkeys and Newington Reds before them – their league campaign appears to have run out of steam.
At the bottom, Headless Chickens are just about keeping their, uh, necks above the waterline of the relegation zone.
The cup semi final first leg will be held this weekend.
Another event being held this weekend is the Greenwich to Tower Bridge pub crawl. The bit of walking, 11 pubs and short boat trip is a follow up to the incredibly successful pub crawl of the number 38 London bus route in autumn. For more information contact the league.
Russia blood to the head: A Bramble own goal wasn’t enough to knock his own team out the cup (Photo courtesy of the England 2018 bid)
TITUS BRAMBLE lived up to his Kenna reputation by scoring an own goal, but it wasn’t enough to stop his team from progressing to the semi finals of the Canesten Combi Cup.
Spartak Mogadishu took a first-leg lead home to win a close-fought battle with Northern Monkeys in the Somali capital on aggregate.
“Yarrrrr! That yellow-bellied scoundrel Bramble will be feelin’ the tip o’ me cutlass in training this week,” said the Pirates boss suggestively of his haphazard defender.
A draw in Mogadishu was a good result for Northern Monkeys, particularly given security fears that Islamic extremists Al Shabaab may target the fixture.
The Northern Monkeys manager said: “We covercame home-grown terrorists, a crumbling infrastructure, high unemployment and a lack of decent plumbing to make it this far in life only to be undone by an unlucky first leg.”
Spartak will face FC Testiculadew in the semis after, as predicted on these very pages last week, Dimitar Berbatov and Loic Remy helped poach a win from a two-goal deficit.
In the other semi, Still Don’t Know Yet trounced Vasco De Beauvoir to set up a tie with the untouchable Sporting Lesbian.
The Still Don’t Know Yet manager said: “When a van load of heavvies in balaclavas kidnapped James Collins from the team hotel in August I vowed revenge on the league, and to knock the Chairman’s team out of the cup is sweet revenge.”
Asked by media to respond to this claim at a press conference, the Chairman fumed: “Why can’t you vultures just leave these allegations alone? I will only talk about football.
“There is no hard evidence linking me to the Collins affair, far-right political groups in Italy or the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.”
Protection: Northern Monkeys will have a bodyguard for their away trip to Spartak Mogadishu (photo courtesy of Jessica Hatcher)
EIGHT managers will be eating their eggs with a little more anxiety than usual this Easter weekend as their teams head out in the final leg of the cup quarter finals.
As Sporting Lesbian run away with the league, the Canesten Combi Cup increasingly represents the only chance to get some silverware this season.
Who will progress? Who will end up with egg on their face? For each tie the Kenna makes predictions weaker than the puns in this post.
A vital, first-leg away goal for Still Don’t Know Yet will make this a tough trip for Vasco, and the relegation strugglers from De Beauvoir will hope Robin van Persie’s goal drought continues.
The league leaders are in assured form carrying two away goals into the second leg, and are the bookies’ favourites to take this all the way having scored 15 more goals than any other club this season.
JPC’s Le Fondre, Maloney, Henderson, Osman and Silva are less likely to find the net.
Prediction: Plenty of mouth-watering action with Lesbians coming on top.
One of the toughest away trips in the calendar. Northern Monkeys will have to overcome a lead, away goals and Al Shabaab pot shots from nearby rooftops.
The good news is that Monkeys striker Edin Dzeko has good experience in this field, having grown up in 90s Sarajevo.
Prediction: Monkeys fail to scramble it in the Horn of Africa.
Cup holders Testiculadew have their work cut out to overturn this tie, but Dynamo only just scraped through the last 16 and can sometimes rely a little too heavily on Carlos Tevez.
Prediction: Remy and Berbatov poach it for the tactial Brambler.
Which is why the Chairman cuts a lonely figure in the photo above. Having made it half way up a red run, he spent 20 agonising minutes being severely punished for his vainglorious, ‘how hard can it be’ attempt to ski. Forced to abandon, he was rewarded with the long and awkward journey back to the bottom, and for posterity snapped by the Greendale Rockets manager from the smug comfort of a chairlift.
No stranger to ignominy on the slopes, the Chairman said afterwards: “It wasn’t as bad as the trip to Chamonix a few years ago. I’ll never go snowboarding in jeans again.”
Bright lights: Despite the charms of Paris Kenna suits remain unconvinced by the French
FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.
A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.
Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.
“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.
“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.
“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?
“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”
The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.
Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases
La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.
Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.
Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.
Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.
La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.
Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.
Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.
Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.
La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.
L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.
Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.
Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.
