Tag: football

Piedmonte

Manager: Phil (Wolverhampton)

Twitter name: @PhillyD55

Since: 2005 (co-founder)

Last season: 18th (relegated and sacked as manager of Thieving Magpies)

Trophy cabinet: Empty (best finish – 2nd in 2006/07)

Sympathies: Notts County

Darts music: The Wheelbarrow song

Outlook: After seven years without silverware the Wulfrunian was sacked in May after taking the Thieving Magpies down. Despite circumstances reaching dire levels during that last campaign, he found a job at Piedmonte and things now appear to be on the up. Frank Lampard is already two goals to the good and Adam Johnson’s has made a positive switch to Wearside. The manager has retained the services of Darren Bent up front – a surprising move.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Johnson, G LIV £8m
Coloccini, F NEW £10m
Rafael MUN £2m
Dawson, M TOT £6m
Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Lampard, F CHE £16m
Milner, J MCY £0.5m
Johnson, A SUN £4.5m
Jelavic, N EVE £34m
Lambert, R SOT £13m
 Total £95m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out      In 
Mertesacker, P ARS £19m Dawson, M TOT £6m
Dyer, N SWA £10m Kebe, J REA £0.5m
Bent, D AVL £16m Jelavic, N EVE £34m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out      In 
Green, R QPR £0.5m Begovic, A STO £0.5m
Tomkins, J WHM £3m Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
van der Vaart, R HAM £17m Milner, J MCY £0.5m
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Judean Peoples’ Front

Manager: Sholto (Wales)

Since: 2008

Last season: 9th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th last season and in 2008/09)

Sympathies: Manchester United

Darts music: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python

Outlook: Underachievement and a striking resemblance to Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik has blighted the Welshman’s managerial career, but this time he looks to have assembled a capable side. Jelavic is already living up to the hype, and Hart, Cashley and Enrique should be good for at least 150 points each.

No Brambles.

Hart, J MCY £22m
Enrique, J LIV £13m
Cole, A CHE £17m
Monreal, N ARS £22m
Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Valencia, A MUN £17m
Britton, L SWA £0.5m
Cole, J WHM £10m
Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m
Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m
 Total £103.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Gallas, W TOT £17m Monreal, N ARS £22m
Diaby, A ARS £0.5m Cole, J WHM £10m
Jelavic, N EVE £21m Adebayor, E TOT £0.5m
Rodallega, H FUL £0.5m Rodriguez, J SOT £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Hutton, A AVL £0.5m Gallas, W TOT £17m
Squillaci, S ARS £0.5m Lowton, M AVL £0.5m
Parker, S TOT £0.5m Diaby, A ARS £0.5m
Tiote, C NEW £0.5m Beausejour, J WIG £0.5m
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League admits Fabio ‘balls up’

Cock
Cock: Uproar expected after Fabio played for two teams simultaneously last Saturday
http://www.flickr.com/photos/-skipper-/

A MASSIVE COCK up has forced Kenna HQ to accept responsibility over defender Fabio playing for two teams at the same time last weekend.

The Brazilian lost both Lokomotiv Leeds and PSV Mornington three points each, as five goals went past him at the Liberty Stadium.

A controversial procedure for resolving the matter will now ensue. On the back of last week’s James Collins fiasco, Kenna HQ’s ability to run a well-governed league has been called into question.

“What can I say? There’s been a balls up,” shrugged the Chairman, scrolling through his phone contacts for the Charts and Graphs department.

Under precedent, Fabio would remain at PSV as the club paid a higher fee (£5m, compared to Lokomotiv’s £0.5m).

Lokomotiv would be awarded the next available defender going down the player list. The next four of which are mostly of respectable quality: Chris Smalling, Per Mertesacker, Steven Caulker and Aleksander Kolorov.

The Chairman said: “However, Lokomotiv already has players from Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs and City. Therefore, Lokomotiv’s new defender should be Wigan’s Gary Caldwell. Fabio’s score [-3] will be wiped and replaced with Caldwell’s [0].
“There is an appeal process, which is handled by the Manager Experiences department. We are yet to hear from either manager involved.”
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PSV Mornington

Manager: El Pons (Catalunya)

Since: 2009

Last season: 10th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – 9th in 2009/10)

Sympathies: Barcelona

Darts music: La Bamba – Ritchie Valens

Outlook: A lower mid-table club, and from the looks of this offering, lower mid-table ambition. A hotch potch back five and, £28m Mata and £17m Ba aside, a team that used to be sort of promising. Leiva’s a holding midfielder returning from long injury, just two goals were scored from Delap throw ins last season and Noble’s out of touch at this level. Gabby Agbonlahor? Didn’t he play for England once?

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling.

de Gea, D MUN £0.5m
Ramis, I WIG £0.5m
Chico SWA £6m
Sagna, B ARS £10m
Lescott, J MCY £0.5m
Mata, J CHE £28m
Noble, M WHM £8m
Sidwell, S FUL £8m
McClean, J SUN £0.5m
Agbonlahor, G AVL £7m
Jones, K STO £0.5m
 Total £69.5m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Bosingwa, J QPR £10m Lescott, J MCY £0.5m
Sahin, N LIV £7m McClean, J SUN £0.5m
Ba, D CHE £17m Jones, K STO £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Gazzaniga, P (B) SOT £4.5m de Gea, D MUN £0.5m
Heitinga, J EVE £6m Ramis, I WIG £0.5m
Senderos, P FUL £5m Chico SWA £6m
Fabio QPR £5m Sagna, B ARS £10m
Brown, W SUN £3m Bosingwa, J QPR £10m
Delap, R STO £0.5m Sidwell, S FUL £8m
Leiva, L LIV £0.5m Sahin, N LIV £7m
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Lokomotiv Leeds

Manager: Ben S (Yorkshire)

Twitter name: @BenCSilver

Since: 2011

Last season: Runner up

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Leeds

Darts music: Lokomotiv Anthem

Outlook: Competent team with the potential to mount a challenge in their second Kenna season. All the money’s gone on Rising Sun Kagawa, Sigurdsson, and shoring up a defence that has already bagged two goals. Ryan Taylor’s free kicks a snip at point five. The manager will be hoping to avoid the downturn in form last season, after high flying at Christmas.

Cesar, J QPR £0.5m
Clichy, G MCY £15m
Riise, J FUL £10m
Ivanovic, B CHE £10m
Vertonghen, J TOT £14m
Kagawa, S MUN £26m
Larsson, S SUN £6m
Cabeye, Y NEW £0.5m
Bannan, B AVL £0.5m
Giroud, O ARS £6m
Walters, J STO £7m
 Total £96m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Gorkss, K REA £0.5m Vertonghen, J TOT £14m
Sigurdsson, G TOT £20m Larsson, S SUN £6m
McCarthy, J WIG £0.5m Bannan, B AVL £0.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Federici, A REA £0.5m Cesar, J QPR £0.5m
Fabio QPR £0.5m Gorkss, K REA £0.5m
Holman, B AVL £0.5m Cabeye, Y NEW £0.5m
Taylor, R NEW £0.5m McCarthy, J WIG £0.5m
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Headless Chickens

Manager: John N (Yorkshire)

Since: 2011

Last season: 11th

Trophy cabinet: empty (best finish – last season)

Sympathies: Liverpool

Darts music: The Chicken Dance

Outlook: Beyond Cech, Kompany and Walcott, the Chickens boss doesn’t look like having the tools to better last season. Marquee signing Clint Dempsey is ‘unsettled’ and looking to swap his role as a big fish in a little pond for minnow in the sea of Liverpool midfielders. Caroll and Cole up front are fully expected to warrant their price tag.

Cech, P CHE £19m
Kompany, V MCY £18m
Heitinga, J EVE £0.5m
Brown, W (B) SUN £5m
O’Brien, J WHM £2.5m
Sterling, R LIV £22m
Dempsey, C FUL £21m
Routledge, W SWA £1m
Pilkington, A NOR £3.5m
Hernandez, J MUN £15m
Crouch, P STO £6.5m
 Total £114m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Santos, A ARS £0.5m Brown, W (B) SUN £5m
Bardsley, P SUN £2.5m O’Brien, J WHM £2.5m
Carroll, A WHM £1m Hernandez, J MUN £15m
Petric, M FUL £12m Crouch, P STO £6.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Jones, P MUN £9.5m Heitinga, J EVE £0.5m
Dawson, M QPR £6m Santos, A ARS £0.5m
Walcott, T ARS £17m Sterling, R LIV £22m
Cole, C  WHM £1.5m Petric, M FUL £12m
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Dynamo Charlton

Manager: Alex (Surrey)

Twitter name: @alexbass75

Since: 2011

Last season: 12th

Trophy cabinet: Olisadebe Euro 2012 winner

Sympathies: Charlton Athletic

Darts music: Entry of the Gladiators

Outlook: The Olisadebe Euro 2012 champion manager is yet to prove himself in ‘the best league in the world’, and with £40m on the front two he’s really had to gamble with the rest of side. Considering his poor outing in Poland, Given for £13m wasn’t a great start.

No Brambles.

Guzan, B AVL £4m
Taylor, S NEW £5m
Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
Reid, W WHM £7.5m
Caulker, S TOT £6m
Oscar CHE £5.5m
Snodgrass, R NOR £6.5m
Dyer, N SWA £10m
Carrick, M MUN £2.5m
Graham, D SWA £10m
Tevez, C MCY £30m
 Total £106

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Cuellar, C SUN £4m Mertesacker, P ARS £19m
The Ox ARS £8.5m Dyer, N SWA £10m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

Out     In
Given, S AVL £13m Guzan, B AVL £4m
Young, L SUN £4m Reid, W WHM £7.5m
Upson, M STO £2.5m Caulker, S TOT £6m
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Bala Rinas

Manager: Lewis (Wales)

Twitter name: @jsl105

Since: 2007 (committee member – Treasurer)

Last season: 8th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – last season)

Sympathies: Wrexham

Darts music: C.R.E.A.M. – Wu Tang Clan

Outlook: Scarred by relegation in his debut at the helm of The Trinny Men in 2007/08, the Welshman took time out from the pressure of Kenna management before assuming the reins of Bala Rinas last season, and with some success. His follow up campaign began with some respectable business, but with a red card for Agger already and the fire of Grant Holt and Djibril Cisse up front, discipline could be an issue.

(B) = player awarded under the Titus Bramble ruling

Jaaskelainen, J WHM £0.5m
Agger, D LIV £15m
Neville, P EVE £4m
Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Fabio QPR £0.5m
Hernandez, P SWA £10m
Duff, D FUL £16m
Johnson, B NOR £1m
Bale, G TOT £26m
Ba, D CHE £42m
Di Santo, F WIG £0.5m
 Total £116m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Hooiveld, J SOT £0.5m Fabio QPR £0.5m
Nani MUN £15m Hernandez, P SWA £10m
McClean, J SUN £14m Johnson, B NOR £1m
Holt, G NOR £9m Ba, D CHE £42m

First transfer window – Friday 26 October 2012

Out     In
Savic, S (B) MCY £10m Koscielny, L ARS £0.5m
Kaboul, Y TOT £6.5m Hooiveld, J SOT £0.5m
Moses, V CHE £12m Duff, D FUL £16m
Marveaux, S NEW £2m Bale, G TOT £26m
Cisse, D QPR £12m Di Santo, F WIG £0.5m
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Kneecaps for goalposts

Truncheon
Kenna Law: Collins is set to overcome injury to feature for Just Put Carles

DEFENDER JAMES Collins, who went missing hours before kick off on Saturday, has been found in the Just Put Carles starting XI.

The Welshman has not been seen since a vanload of Kenna hatchet men with Estuary accents kidnapped him from the Still Don’t Know Yet team hotel before dawn on Saturday morning.

Kenna HQ declared Collins ineligible to play at Undecided Road as the manager had signed second West Ham player Gary O’Neil at the auction.

JPC have confirmed that Collins will be immediately available, despite club doctors diagnosing him with a severe case of truncheon rash.

This week’s highlights

  • Unsigned Martin Petric was the top individual points scorer.
  • £12m Sporting Lesbian striker Sergio Aguero is out for a month after picking up an injury in the first few minutes of the season.
  • £9m Wandsworth Window Licker Josh McEachran will not be picking up any points after going on loan to Boro. The Still Don’t Know Yet manager is said to be preparing his transfer window war chest for the midfielder.
  • £6m Headless Chicken Michael Dawson will score approximately 50 fewer points this season after a move to Loftus Road.
  • £2.5m Woking defender Alex Santos was arrested by police going faster than the auction night buffet on the way to training.

Kenna table – week 1

This season
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0

Week’s scores

This week
Manager
Points
Goals
1 Hairy Fadjeetas Aiden 46 2
2 Sporting Lesbian Ben M 39 2
3 Wandsworth Window Lickers Will 37 3
4 Northern Monkeys Hugo 37 1
5 Spartak Mogadishu Abdi 33 2
6 Newington Reds Dudley 28 0
7 Piedmonte Phil 27 4
8 Greendale Rockets Stu 27 1
9 Just put Carles Carles 26 0
10 Dynamo Charlton Alex 24 1
11 FC Testicluadew James N 23 1
12 Headless Chickens John N 21 0
13 Vasco De Beauvoir Stix 19 0
14 Judean Peoples’ Front Sholto 19 0
15 Pikey Scum Jack 14 0
16 Woking Mike 14 0
17 PSV Mornington El Pons 13 1
18 Still Don’t Know Yet Pete 12 0
Points Player
Player of the week 15 Petric, M – FUL – STR
Club Unsigned
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Just Put Carles

Manager: Carles (Catalunya)

Twitter name: @cduzpalau

Since: 2010

Last season: 14th

Trophy cabinet: Empty (highest league position – 9th in 2010/11)

Sympathies: FC Barcelona

Darts music: Cant del Barca

Outlook: Retained the majestic services of David Silva for £10m than last season, but the manager only bought four more players at auction before leaving faster than an Alex Santos commute once he discovered his choice of wardrobe would mean buying the committee a round. Filled by Kenna HQ using the accepted procedure, the team now contains former Still Don’t Know Yet defender James Collins.

No Brambles

Schwarzer, M FUL £0.5m
Walker, K TOT £12m
Olsson, J WBA £0.5m
Collins, J WHM £0.5m
Rangel, A SWA £8m
Arteta, M ARS £16m
Silva, D MCY £32m
Osman, L EVE £0.5m
Henderson, J LIV £0.5m
Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Maloney, S WIG £1.5m
 Total £87m

Second transfer window – 1 February 2013

Out     In
Alcaraz, A WIG £0.5m Rangel, A SWA £8m
Welbeck, D MUN £7m Le Fondre, A REA £15m
Sturridge, D LIV £20m Maloney, S WIG £1.5m

First transfer window – 26 October 2012

No changes

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