FRANCE have been refused rights to a Kenna franchise after delegates deemed Paris ‘just not suitable’.
A Gallic consortium hoping to bring the world’s best format of fantasy football to the Continent were told their country wouldn’t be ready for at least a few years.
Speaking to L’Equipe after a quick crêpe on the Champs-Élysées, Kenna suits explained their decision to snub ‘Le Jeff’.
“I paid a king’s ransom to wander round some dimly-lit rooms staring at young women in the buff, but when in Paris one must visit the Louvre,” quipped the Chairman, once he’d scrubbed every trace of the stamp for Pussy’s nightclub from his wrist.
“Joking aside, these cheese eating surrender monkeys now have a good standard of football in Ligue Uhhhne, and we’ve long since forgiven their poor taste in stonewashed jeans and floppy mullets, but the truth is the conditions we’ve seen in Paris are just not suitable.
“I went to a pub where they were showing football and ordered a beer. Not only was I served the shabbiest pint since records began, but the waitress kept a straight face while charging me 11 Euros. 11 Euros! Am I supposed to be paying Zlatan’s wages?
“The slow table service and expensive lager means this city cannot, I repeat cannot, be trusted to allow 20 managers to bid for their teams at auction.”
The news comes as a big blow to the French capital after they lost out to London on their bid to host the 2012 Games.
Le Kenna: French forms of common league phrases
La Folie Anglaise – 4-4-2, the prescriptive formation of all Kenna League teams.
Hôtel de Jeff – Kenna HQ, where the organs of league business are based.
Le nuit des boissons vigoureux – auction night, the pre-season event in August where 20 managers buy their teams. Held in the pub.
Le chef du chaos – the auctioneer, who sells players at the pre-season event.
La Coupe de la Chatte Mal – the Canesten Combi Cup, knock-out tournament run during the season.
Hors de combat – injured, commonly murmured by competitors to undermine a manager’s confidence in the player he’s just bought.
Manger le Bramble – to fall foul of the Titus Bramble forfeit ruling and be awarded a bogey player.
Le Bramble stratégique – tactical Brambling, the pernicious act of deliberately trying to trigger a Titus Bramble forfeit to gain a financial advantage late in the auction.
Le Maillot Merde – the Bramble jersey, worn by the last-placed manager at auction and transfer nights.
La fenêtre de chance – transfer window, event held twice a season where players can be bought and sold.
L’Absenteé – the Still Don’t Know Yet goalkeeper Drusille Ngako, who absconded from the Cameroon Olympic women’s football team during London 2012 and hasn’t been seen since. The name can also refer to Still Don’t Know Yet defender Anton Ferdinand.
Le Corsaire d’Afrique – the Spartak Mogadishu manager.
Le Comte de Fléchettes – the Newington Reds manager, who bears a remarkable resemblance to professional darts player Ted ‘The Count’ Hankey.
Le Provocateur Malveillent – the FC Testiculadew manager, who founded the sharp practice of tactical Brambling.
Le tumulte Catalan – the bitter incident between rival Catalans the PSV Mornington and Just Put Carles managers, resulting in an ongoing grudge match.
Le Chevalier sans Charme – the former Dan Terry Seduction manager.
Canesten Combi Cup quarter final first leg results
Vasco De Beauvoir 1 – 1 Still Don’t Know Yet
Ramires Gerrard
Just Put Carles 1 – 2 Sporting Lesbian
Silva Figueroa, Suarez
Northern Monkeys 1 – 2 Spartak Mogadishu
Cisse Benteke, Lukaku
Dynamo Charlton 3 – 1 FC Testiculadew
Tevez x3 Remy
League table
Weekly scores
| Manager | Points | Goals | ||
| 1 | Dynamo Charlton | Alex | 41 | 3 |
| 2 | Lokomotiv Leeds | Ben S | 32 | 4 |
| 3 | Sporting Lesbian | Ben M | 30 | 2 |
| 4 | Greendale Rockets | Stu | 27 | 1 |
| 5 | Newington Reds | Dudley | 25 | 1 |
| 6 | Northern Monkeys | Hugo | 24 | 1 |
| 7 | Pikey Scum | Jack | 24 | 1 |
| 8 | FC Testicluadew | James N | 22 | 1 |
| 9 | Just put Carles | Carles | 21 | 1 |
| 10 | PSV Mornington | El Pons | 20 | 1 |
| 11 | Still Don’t Know Yet | Pete | 19 | 1 |
| 12 | Bala Rinas | Lewis | 15 | 0 |
| 13 | Piedmonte | Phil | 15 | 0 |
| 14 | Spartak Mogadishu | Abdi | 14 | 2 |
| 15 | Headless Chickens | John N | 14 | 1 |
| 16 | Woking | Mike | 14 | 1 |
| 17 | Judean Peoples’ Front | Sholto | 14 | 0 |
| 18 | Vasco De Beauvoir | Stix | 13 | 1 |
| 19 | Hairy Fadjeetas | Aiden | 12 | 1 |
| 20 | Wandsworth Window Lickers | Will | 9 | 0 |
| Points | Player | |||
| Player of the week | 23 | Tevez, C – MCY – STR | ||
| Club | Dynamo Charlton |
